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I was trying to find the public bathroom at Macy’s the other day — no easy task in any department store; why is that? — when I ran across the employee lounge, and this sign. It made me feel laugh, and then feel bad for laughing, because if nachos are the best thing about working at Macy’s, well, that’s just depressing.
(Sorry about the shoddy picture; no matter what they tell you, camera phones still kinda suck.) Anyway, it got me to thinking about lame positive-reinforcement incentive programs I’ve been an (unwilling) part of at jobs I’ve held. I was reminded of the pens and chocolate they used to hand out at the Wells Fargo Loan Origination Center — a cubicle Hell if there ever was one — neither of which, judging from both the desk drawers and waistlines of my fellow employees, anyone there needed. The incentives always felt like this strange wink-and-nod gesture from the management, as if to say “We know working here is horrible, and if you were anywhere else right now, under any normal non-work circumstances, you wouldn’t be at all interested in these nachos. But if you eat them now, we promise you’ll feel a little better about working here, at least for a minute or two.”
What crappy work incentives have you been offered?
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My favorite was the year I worked for a company that did away with our holiday party, decided not to give us the week between Christmas and New Years off, took away our “summer hours” of half-day Fridays and then gave us gift certificates for $35 to a grocery store so that we could get our holiday turkeys …
posted by katie on 12-14-2007 at 10:34 am
Let’s see…I worked at the IT Help Desk for 3 years in college, which was pretty much my own personal flourescent-light hell for $6/hr. At the end of my 3rd year, we had a huge staff meeting in which my boss called out all of the names of the people who had been there from the beginning… “Congratulations to these people–you’re all up for longevity raises! Unfortunately, we can’t afford them. But thanks for sticking with us anyway! We appreciate it!” It was like the public recognition and subsequent public humiliation was enough to make up for the misery and low pay. Luckily, I graduated soon after, and landed a job that doesn’t give us anything, either. Maybe I should raise my standards?
posted by Jen on 12-14-2007 at 10:47 am
A company I used to work for shipped out door knobs to everyone to tell us it was “your turn” to lead the company to success.
posted by Mike on 12-14-2007 at 10:48 am
When I worked at one of the largest insurance companies around, they used to be big on coming up with catchphrases then doing something lame to reinforce them. My favorite was one year when the catchphrase was “shoot for the moon!!”. What did they do to get us to rally around this new theme? FREE MOONPIES!!!! For those of you who are unfamiliar with moonpies, they are basically a big round dry, super sweet marshmallow sandwich covered in chocolate. Nobody under the age of 60 has ever eaten one. The best part was since they were so horrible and nobody wanted them they had boxes and boxes left over. What did they do with them? put them in the vending machine for 50 cents each.
posted by Sean on 12-14-2007 at 10:54 am
I actually worked at Marshall Field’s before it turned into Macy’s, and yours must be a high quality one because the nachos were free!
As with many department stores we had to sign people up for the Marshall Field’s card. I always sucked at it, but they’d offer “incentives” to get us to do more. At the start they were good, like a bonus $5 or a $10 gift card, etc. By the time I was done they had bottomed out and were offering Blow Pops. Yes, the candy that costs 10 cents was our big incentive to do the credit cards. Not only was that the incentive, but the managers acted like it was incredibly cool and were singing “Lollipop, lollipop” over the walky talkies.
Needless to say, I did not earn one.
posted by Kevin Nelson on 12-14-2007 at 10:59 am
I once worked for a company that took pride in offering powder milk and imitation bacon bits at discounted prices to its employees…….go figure.
posted by Leo on 12-14-2007 at 11:00 am
Going anon on this one….
We were given gift certificates for turkeys every year during the holidays. Then the company realized were were all donating our certificates to the local womens shelter so they decided to make a donation in the companys name to a local foodbank and give us an electronic certificate for $10 that we can use for a ‘multitude’ of stores. When you log on to the site that list the stores most stores no longer had anything at the $10 level. So basically (unless you were really quick) you ended up with nothing. Why bother? Well, this year they didn’t bother. Worst part is they didn’t bother giving anything to the food bank either!
Another one was, after working on a huge project for three years, working nights, weekends, etc were were all given lucite clocks with the company logo on them. Whopp-dee-doo!
Makes me want to work harder
posted by Anon on 12-14-2007 at 11:10 am
Kevin, when I worked at Foleys we had the card thing too. Our incentive? For every card we had people sign up for we earned a DOLLAR. Maybe this was great for people who saw a bazillion people out in clothes, but I was working in furniture.
posted by Andie on 12-14-2007 at 11:11 am
My favorite was the holiday gift exchange at one of my former companies. The bosses (aka, their wives) would go out and buy gifts for all of the staff, and they’d do one of those gift exchanges where one person opens the first gift, then the second person has the choice of stealing or choosing a different gift to unwrap. Not terrible to this point, right? Well, the gifts varied WIDELY in value. Bose stereo systems vs $50 gift certificates vs. $300 cash. I kid you not. It was like a subliminal message from our bosses “We know you all hate each other. Well, now is your chance to show it in public!” Urgh.
posted by Stacey on 12-14-2007 at 11:17 am
I only made it 3 months at the largest home improvement warehouse, partly because of the “incentive” they offered if you sold an extended warranty–an “ESP” they called it. You basically competed against the other employees all month, and they kept the names of the people who sold them on a chart–the name at the top being the “greatest.” They depended on the employees competetive nature, because the prize was to have your name on a star for the following month as winner of the previous month’s contest. Remind anyone of kindergarten?
posted by Lulu on 12-14-2007 at 11:19 am
I worked for a short time in an office where the boss’ idea of employee incentives was a bunch of Successories posters and banners telling us the importance of having a good attitude.
Bleh.
posted by Jill on 12-14-2007 at 11:21 am
At a former employer, they came up with a grand idea to boost morale and increase retention.
At your five year anniversary with the company, you received…a jar of marbles! That’s right! To fill you with a sense of wonderment or awe or something.
But that’s not all! The marble jar was only partially filled. On subsequent anniversaries, you’d receive an additional ration of marbles until the jar was completely filled after 10 years.
The honor!
Alas, I wasn’t there long enough to get even a partially filled marble jar.
posted by JT on 12-14-2007 at 11:24 am
I remember when I worked in a call center for a cable company (I hear you guys griping, this was one step above telemarketing, it was the second worst job ever!!) Anyway occasionally the customer wanted to tell the supervisor how “great” you were. So you were obligated to raise your hand and call them over. They always took their time. When they finished the call, they would yell out “Gold Star for ____!”
I don’t think the Gold Star ever meant anything, but I did know that one of the metrics for our raises was how long our class were (supposed to be less than 2 min if we were good.) So if we did a great job, the supervisor yelled it out to everyone in the cheesiest way possible, and you were one more long call away from a good raise.
posted by Witty Nickname on 12-14-2007 at 11:26 am
I work at a company where they pride themselves on their work-life flexibility, such that those in a higher pay grade in my department get to work from home twice a week. I am in an area of the company where I get to hear how great it is to work here b/c you can work from home once a week; everyone does it…I would basically have to make up that the cable company is coming so I have to stay home and would probably have to justify why no one else could be there or why they couldn’t come on a weekend. The higher ups get to work from home even though they have a surgical consult or a kid in a school play. Others that are in my pay grade but do a slightly different job can work from home whenever they want. If I have a doctor’s appt, I have to take a half day off. The inequality is bull*!&#. I thought I’d take this opportunity to rant.
posted by Anon on 12-14-2007 at 11:32 am
I work for a regional transportation authority… one of our incentives is free bus transportation.. this might be ok, if I didn’t work in the inner city… I get scared by some of the people waiting for the bus, never mind the people the busses pick up that I don’t even see… I think I’ll continue paying my 3.00 a gallon, thanks.
posted by Aliceson on 12-14-2007 at 11:40 am
Working at Home Depot as a uni student, there really wasn’t much in the way of perks. Maybe 10% off purchases, but what am I going to buy there? :P
posted by Kate on 12-14-2007 at 11:45 am
My one year anniversary was in June of 2007. In NOVEMBER of 2007 my boss walks past my desk throws a cheap company key chain at me and says “oh yeah, happy anniversary”. I felt like the prettiest girl at the ball….
posted by Lola on 12-14-2007 at 11:47 am
The company I work at was trying to motivate the employees of our very large IT department. To do this they had rubber braclets (similar to the LiveStrong ones) made up in the company color with some corp-babble on them. When I heard about this I about fell on the floor laughing. I think I saw maybe 15 people (out of thousands) wearing them.
Most of them were given to children who thought they were cool.
posted by Dusty on 12-14-2007 at 11:49 am
Back when iPods and MP3 players where starting to be huge our boss gave us little (iPod Shuffle-sized) radios that sounded like crap from day one and that stopped working after about 3 days.
posted by Bob on 12-14-2007 at 11:51 am
i’m a teacher and i don’t go to the staff holiday parties because we have to pay for our own meals. you’d think the board could spring for something better than a dried up cheese and greasy meat tray with stale crackers.
posted by Shelly on 12-14-2007 at 11:57 am
well, if you think of it, they really don’t have to give us nothing besides the paycheck so when they do, try at least to appreciate the mkt or HR guy behind the idea and the effort he had to make to pitch that to a dificult boss that doesn’t want to spend any more money than he has with you anyway.
(yes I’m one of those mkt guys and it’s really hard to see our fabulous – “how about giving everyone a gift certificate at the local spa” – ideas into “can I at least make some company pens and give them to the staff?”)
but I agree, if they yell “gold star” to someone they have to at least give you one, even if it is just a drawing made on the spot.
posted by xixita on 12-14-2007 at 11:58 am
i used to work for a large electronics distribution company in one of the regional sales offices… i was the receptionist/accountant/errand girl. yay. anyway, as a year-end reward for the hard work of the company’s 300 or so employees nationwide, we were all given really crappy stainless steel knife sets. with the corporate logo etched on them all, of course.
not to be outdone, the following year’s christmas gift to its employees was a particularly lovely throw blanket with a map of the US on it, complete with large dots over the locations of every one of the company’s branches. oddly enough, the largest dot on the map was over new mexico… where we did NOT have a branch. every time i look at the designated doggie blanket on the backseat of my car, i still wonder if they ever put up a new mexico branch of the company i no longer work for…
posted by tracii on 12-14-2007 at 12:02 pm
Someone stated in an earlier post that they lost their week between christmas and new year vacation, as well as their christmas party.
Same thing happened to me. Instead of getting a gift certificate we all got frozen turkeys. Guess who still took their vacation? The upper level management of course.
I’m much happier now that i’m working for a company where no one gets anything at all.
posted by Jared Probst on 12-14-2007 at 12:05 pm
My previous employer required lots of long hours and lots of (unpaid) overtime (the perks of being salaried). People often worked on the weekends. To save money on energy costs, the firm decided to turn off the cooling system after 6 pm on weekdays and all day on weekends. Still assuming people would work late and/or on weekends, the company handed out free desk fans that couldn’t have cost more than a $5 a piece. The fans did little to alleviate the uncomfortable heat. This policy also meant that almost all of Monday the office was insanely hot because the AC had not been running all weekend.
If I wanted to work in unbearable heat, I’d take a job in the rainforest. At least then I’d be outside.
posted by Matt on 12-14-2007 at 12:08 pm
I worked for a hospital as an OR nurse…and last year they gave us all pizza cutters with their logo on the cheap plastic handle. No catchy catch phrase or slogan….just a pizza cutter. Not sure what to think of that one!
posted by Denni on 12-14-2007 at 12:09 pm
I think this is pretty standard, and it’s not that outrageous, but I’m still miffed about it…
Come raise time, I was brought in and told that we couldn’t afford raises. Instead I was given price-frozen stock options: the right to buy x-amount of stock shares at a set price, even if the price rose.
The problem is: I work in the Travel industry, and this was post 9-11: you guessed it, the stock never rose to even my frozen price. Then, when we were made private this year, my stock options were considered “under-water” and were made null and void. Some raise!
posted by Karl on 12-14-2007 at 12:11 pm
I once worked for a large company where the HR department created a contest to reward the most innovative project within the company. Individual departments or teams would submit their projects, and HR would determine a winner. The team that won got rewarded with a pretty nice trip.
Who won? The HR department, of course, for their work in creating the contest.
posted by Scott on 12-14-2007 at 12:16 pm
The company I work for now loves us sooo much that they gave us lunch boxes and coffee mugs.
I was the first one to notice there was a sticker on the bottom of the coffee mug that said “Warning: Materials used to make this product contain lead and/or cadmium chemicals known to cause birth defects.”
Im still trying to find a new job so I can get out of here before they kill me.
posted by Diane on 12-14-2007 at 12:20 pm
My current company went through a large expansion, the goal was to double revenue while only slightly increasing expenses. It actually was well managed so the employee pain was minimal. However after 3 years when we succeeded on time and budget they had a “virtual” party. That is they setup a web site to submit pictures and comments about the expansion. I guess nachos would have blown the expense budget. About 2 months later everyone got a DVD with the pictures and stories from the executives posted to the web site. BTW this is a 3000 person company not a mom and pop where someone spent a day burning DVDs. They are professionally packaged.
And yes, my DVD is still sitting on top of my DVD player in the shrink wrap.
posted by BoilerBob on 12-14-2007 at 12:21 pm
I used to work at Pangburns Chocolate factory in Ft. Worth where the biggest perk was that they’d let you eat all the chocolate candy you wanted while at work, of course they also knew that by your second week of employment you never wanted to eat another piece of chocolate again because you ate so many pieces of chocolate the first week.
posted by Melinda on 12-14-2007 at 12:28 pm
I used to work for Lockheed Martin. We never got bonuses, but they enjoyed giving us useless gifts for christmas every year. Usually it was a crappy calendar with pictures of their planes, but one year they decided on house slippers. Kind of random. And they were cheap too, kind of like those paper booties you have to wear in a clean room. That was only slightly worse then the year we got plastic cups with the company logo.
posted by Anon on 12-14-2007 at 12:30 pm
At my company we don’t get incentives or end of year bonuses, but on our benefit package that we get every year, one of our benefits is a pizza party for everyone once a year. oh yay!! All our raises are lower this year than any other, but hey we can still look forward to the “pizza party” Isn’t life fun??
posted by Darcy on 12-14-2007 at 12:31 pm
I once worked for a construction firm that had given out bonuses the past two years I had been with them. Cash too which was nice. So third year I am there, company had grown and basically doing twice the amount of business with the same amount of staff. Boss tells everyone that the company has not made enough money to give bonuses, but welcomed everyone to come take a ride on his new 60’ boat. Things that make you go hmmmmm.
posted by anon on 12-14-2007 at 12:41 pm
We don’t get anything.
Enjoy your pizza party.
posted by No-name on 12-14-2007 at 12:46 pm
I work for a company that doesn’t give holiday bonuses/perks. But since I don’t have an office, they never know if I’m working or not! Unofficial vacation day anyone?
posted by Laura on 12-14-2007 at 12:48 pm
I worked at a specific government agency as a contractor during Hurricane Katrina doing mapping support. As a reward for our 95 hour night-shift work weeks for three months, we received polo shirts and ball caps MONTHS later that said ‘Disaster Relief Team’ as a big ‘Thank You’.
We found out that other contractors who supported them for less than 3 days and did less work received over $150 dollars in AmEx gift cards.
There are some pretty sad incentives in this list above – pizza cutters, losing vacation time, killer mugs….pathetic.
posted by Brandi on 12-14-2007 at 1:01 pm
My job is such that I often wind up on ‘the committee’ that comes up with the crappy gifts/incentives of which you speak (though not for holidays in my case).
I do my best to rigerously defend common sense in choosing incentives. I go to great lengths to try and explain things (like why a 4×5 picture that says ‘MOTIVATION’ isn’t exactly motivating to anyone), so therefore on the committee I’m known as “that arrogant a** who thinks he’s so smart and that everyone else’s ideas suck”. Not a great label, but I’ll keep it. It’s a cross I bear for us common shmucks — those of us who doesn’t give a crap about free company logo shoelaces or Hawaiian shirt friday.
Keep strong, my brethern, and know that I am fighting the fight for you. As god is my witness, one day instead of a company logo indoor digital thermomiter they will simply give us it’s $3 purchase value. In CASH.
posted by EV on 12-14-2007 at 1:03 pm
What fun!
I used to work at a factory and our “perk” one year was that we got a free bag. It was a very nice bag…..which we had to make. Yeah, we had a “rush order” for an item and worked like mad to finish it in time then were given the exact item. Classy, I know.
Also, at a bookstore I worked at, I was the unfortunate soul who had to come up with a perk to sell our discount cards. Management was looking for something like, “you can chose which register you work at!” My idea though, which I made sure to follow through with, was to make a bracelet that said “I’m better than you” that way when the managers would go to shake the hand of the person who sold the most cards, they were immediately told “I’m better than you” hehehehehe…..needless to say, the managers didn’t appreciate it. But you can bet that the cards sold increased.
posted by Sparkles on 12-14-2007 at 1:04 pm
Only a little bit off-subject:
I was hired in July. In late October, I had a new boss. In mid-December he told me that I needn’t bother to come to the Xmas party because nothing much would be happening. At the party the Board passed out a crisp $100 bill to employees. New boss took mine and I never saw it. When I asked him about it, he magnanamously said “I’d give you mine- but I’ve already spent it”.
posted by harold on 12-14-2007 at 1:04 pm
Melinda’s tale dredged this from the depths of my memory where I thought it had been properly interred (stake thru the heart, at the crossroads, etc):
As a mid-teen I used to work afternoons and summers for teh company my grandfather managed, which, among other things, manufactured and distributed ice cream. It was *good* ice cream – we cooked up Baskin-Robbins and Lily brands.
One of my tasks was to inventory the cold room storage once a week. I’d dress up in full artic gear – hooded fur-lined parka, down-insulated trousers w/long johns underneath, the whole nine yards. (I later recognized the kit as WWII GI issue gear for the guys holding fort in Alaska.) The reason for all this covering? The cold room was kept at minus 40 Farenheit with blowers running 24/7. The fun part? None of it. I’d have an athsma attack every time I did inventory and have to take the rest of the afternoon off relearning how to breathe. My hair would freeze to the hood and it’d take 10 minutes to defrost enough to take the damn thing off afterwards.
BTW: This was in Tucson, Arizona in summertime – temp in the warehouse outside the cold room was about 105 F – don’t need to refrigerate cups, spoons, syrup, and the other miscellania.
Upside (”bonus”, according to owners) was that I could have all the ice cream I wanted, either on-property or off.
To this day, 44 years later, the very SMELL of ice-cream makes me gag…
posted by Doc on 12-14-2007 at 1:10 pm
Gee, I was going to complain about stuff. But I know that I am lucky. Where I work, the first year we got ‘Chamber of Commerce’ dollars- $50 to be exact, to be used like cash at any store in town. That is great, except I live in a rural area with no real shopping…… well last year they decided to ditch them and give us the cash value of them. So now we all get $25 cash. Life is mediocre.
posted by qt314159265 on 12-14-2007 at 1:27 pm
At my old job whenever management thought that we did something exceptional they wrote it on a star shaped piece of paper and gave it to us.
A couple of years ago they were calculating the overall budget and sw that we did really really well. They decided to give us all bonuses. Unfortunatley, the idiot in charge looked at the wrong collum and we had not done well at all. The mistake cost over $90,000. They asked for our bonuses back. Nobody did.
posted by StephW on 12-14-2007 at 1:29 pm
When I worked for a law firm, the incentive itself – a gift certificate for a few hundred dollars at a local department store – was nice. The way it was distributed was not.
The partner in charge of each department was responsible for handing them out at the formal firm Christmas party. The head of our department would approach each person and shuffle through the envelopes while saying something like “Well, I think I have something for you here.” He would then extend the envelope with the gift certificate and when you reached for it, he would pull it back.
Psyche.
After this brief humiliation, he would hand it to you. If he did this to a couple of people one year, that would established him as kind of jerk. However, he did it to everyone. Every year. Certified tool.
After a couple of years of this, I figured out the solution. When he approached me, I simply locked eyes with him.
“Well, I think I have something for you here.”
“That’s great, Jack.”
He held out the envelope.
I stared at him.
He waved it around a little.
Stare.
He pretty much put it in front of my face.
Nope.
Finally, he tucked it into the pocket of my suit coat.
I told him “Merry Christmas.”
He never did it to me after that. Still did it to everyone else. Like I said, certified.
posted by Moon on 12-14-2007 at 1:39 pm
Hospitals are notoriously cheap at Christmas. Ours used to give store coupons for free turkeys, until the hospital attorneys decided it was a “tax liability”. This year we got movie passes. Oh, and the hospital had a record profit year, by the way.
posted by RN on 12-14-2007 at 1:40 pm
This year, we were given calendars advertising items from our vendors. It listed the birthdays of many B and C list celebrities – I suppose they thought we’d find that important. The best part? The calendar was missing a day. Not because of Leap Year – February 29th was intact. Instead, it was missing August 31st.
posted by KB on 12-14-2007 at 1:41 pm
I love those inspirational records companies sometimes give out to their employees. I used to date a gal who worked for The Phone Company (back when they were “The”) and they once promoted a new service strategy with a cassette featuring a re-lyricized version of, you guessed it, Jim Croce’s song “Operator.” And when I worked for Wells Fargo, they promoted their “11 Ways To WOW!” customer service program with a CD featuring a similarly overhauled version of “Rhythm Of The Night,” (titled “Rhythm of The WOW!”)
I could never listen to it all the way through, not even to find out if they’d managed to shoehorn the phrase “Retail Incentive Compensation Plan” into the lyrics.
posted by Joe Maz on 12-14-2007 at 1:47 pm
I work at a department store part-time, and last night as we were turning in our register bags and trying to leave, the closing manager calls us back to customer service with the promise of an exciting Christmas bonus. Everyone gets all giddy at the thought of cash or gift cards or maybe even the chance to just run through the store and pick one item for free (hey, wishful thinking never killed anyone…)
When we arrived, everyone was handed a lunchbag/cooler with the store’s logo on it, a pen that writes in two different colors (hot damn!!), and a lapel pin with the name of the store and “Christmas 2007″ on it. Then we were promptly reminded that food was in no way allowed on the sales floor.
For my full-time job, the incentive is that we get to use the conference room for a pot-luck buffet (we bring the food, i.e. it costs the office nothing…) and a rousing game of Dirty Santa (i.e. we supply the gifts, and someone ends up pissed because their gift was taken).
At least now I have a bag to take left-overs home….the circle of life continues…
posted by BAS on 12-14-2007 at 1:47 pm
I’ve had a number of strange little trinkets given to me over time, but it always occured to me that my employer was under no obligation to give me any of these things. I enjoy a good salary, and if I didn’t have a good salary, I’d be negotiating with my boss to get a better one.
While I enjoyed reading some of these strange rewards (the jar of marbles was particularly funny), I don’t get the belly aching over some of this stuff.
Why is it bad they are giving free nachos? I mean nachos in lieu of pay would suck, but these appear to be free nachos!
posted by Scott on 12-14-2007 at 2:00 pm
I have no complaints; I came here to gloat.
The law firm I worked for was great. For Christmas, every year, the partners would take everyone out to lunch. We would then exchange our Secret Santa gifts which were silly things worth $5.00 or so. After lunch, we would all head back to the office to finish up a bit of work. We would get to go home early, so we could clean up. We would all meet back at the office, where a limo was waiting. We would all pile in and go to our local Restaurant/Bar/Pool place where we could drink, eat, and play as much pool as we wanted. We would then be driven home in the limo; this was in addition to the 2 weeks pay we received as a holiday bonus. NO complaints here.
posted by Ryan on 12-14-2007 at 2:00 pm
The worst incentives we get are usually leftover conference crap given to the higher ups who get to go the library confrences.This means we end up getting stuff like pencils, sticks, and tote bags with vendor logos on them.
This comes in a close second to getting leftover summer reading medals with library stickers attached to the which we were given for staff development day.
Way to boost morale!
posted by Tamara on 12-14-2007 at 2:08 pm
I work for a VERY large telecommunications company. We were given water bottles for an incentive to sell more products. It leaks like it has a hole in it.
posted by Shannon on 12-14-2007 at 2:13 pm
One year, the company gave us all stainless steel thermoses with an insulated cover. The odd thing about them was when you removed the cover, the thermos looked a heckuva lot like a, ahem, female personal massager, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
For a short time, I worked for a winery, and at the end of the day, they would divvy up all the bottles of wine that had gotten screwed up in the labeller and give them to the employees.
posted by Anthony on 12-14-2007 at 2:18 pm
I once worked for a wedding photographer who promised an afternoon off before Christmas and cash bonus to help us (all two of us and him) prepare for the holiday. On the day of said afternoon off he proudly presented me with $23.45 in cash and while I was puzzled by the odd amount I decided not to look the gift horse in the mouth. He then leaned in and said I might want to run to a nearby grocery store to pick up my contribution to our party.
“Our what?”
“The Christmas party we’re having this afternoon.”
“I thought we had the afternoon off.”
“Oh, well I thought we’d spend the afternoon celebrating here. Now run along and choose something from my suggestions list at the store.”
Got to the store and all of the items on his little list all cost (yup) $23.45.
Remarkably I managed NOT to kill him in his sleep that night.
posted by Karen on 12-14-2007 at 2:21 pm
Hey Scott,
Most of us ARE receiving this ridiculous crap in lieu of decent pay or bonuses. Most retail and assisting jobs pay less than 20 grand a year. I’m guessing no one on this response list feels better about that because of free nachos. Mmmm microwaved cheese mmmmm!
posted by karen on 12-14-2007 at 2:28 pm
Scott:
The reason most people belly ache (at least in my experience) is that a warm handshake and a sincere thank you is of much more value then a “here’s something free now get back to work”. Employees know the difference. Managers that value you know how to make a $1 trinket seem great.
Like the expression goes “its the thought that counts’. No thought counts twice.
posted by BoilerBob on 12-14-2007 at 2:28 pm
I worked as a telemarketer in college for a semester to pay for study abroad (yes, I was the one who called during dinner and offered you a credit card….), and they had some interesting incentives. There was an all-expenses paid vacation they would give away, via a lottery. The more tickets you were given, the better chance you had. You’d get one per sale-and the bosses gave out extra if you got someone’s SSN. Isn’t that sick? Conning people into getting poor business owners or people at home to give out their SSN to someone who could literally walk in off the street and be hired on the spot, by offering employees a chance at vacation. I hope none of them had their identities stolen. :(
They also paid people extra if they worked extra hours. It’d be, say, 25 cents per hour for each hour over, and when you got to over 100 hours they gave you an extra buck for each of those hours (aka, an extra $100 bucks).
All in all, decent incentives…..except the job sucked and I felt like I was working for the devil.
posted by Kate on 12-14-2007 at 2:37 pm
The second job I ever had was waitressing. Right around the x-mas season, we found something extra in our pay envelopes. Stapled to our actual paychecks was another check: A check that would have been worth $5.00, had they not TAKEN TAX OUT OF IT. That’s right, I ended up with a “bonus check” for about $3.85. I was almost too embarrassed to deposit it into my bank account.
A few years later, I landed a job as a “Telephone Sales Representative” for Ticketmaster. I’ll name the company, I don’t give a crap. I went through a 2-week training course, then on my first day of actual work, someone from HR swooped in and let us know that the call center would be closing. 1 week before Christmas. “Longevity Bonuses” would be given to those who had worked for 90 days or more, but the bonuses would not be awarded till after the first of the year. So about 150 people lost their jobs the week before Christmas. Sad. To this day I will pay a scalper for every event/concert/etc. rather than go through Ticketmaster.
posted by Rose on 12-14-2007 at 2:38 pm
We don’t get motivational promos in my office. We do, however, create t-shirts and other goodies to give out to visitors at events. I can empathise with the people who have tried to come up with some really great “Wow!” items only to be shot down.
Recently we were doing an event for teens. All the higher-ups (old men) wanted oatmeal colored t-shirts with busy colorful designs to give out. It took a lot of convincing and insisting from our young graphic designer and myself to get them to agree on cinch bags (which were cheaper than shirts) and black long-sleeved tee’s in black for the VIPS, both with VERY SIMPLE logos.
Promos that I have had to cope with? I had an RA in college who would put a gold star next to our names on a chart if we came to floor meetings, participated in community building exercises and whatnot. We would lose stars if got in trouble.
One drunken evening towards the end of the semester all the stars mysteriously were turned upside down into pentagrams and moved all over the board to spell some off color words. One kiss-up girl was really upset because now no one would know that she had earned the most stars. My rebellious cohorts could care less – we didn’t have any stars to begin with.
posted by anon on 12-14-2007 at 2:40 pm
Boilerbob: Agreed 100%.
posted by Scott on 12-14-2007 at 2:40 pm
I am a clock-punching blue-collar worker. It does not, and should not, bother me that all we are given every year is a company logo mug, key-chain, t-shirt etc… I am happy to have a good job with benefits and know that a lot of people in the world are much worse off than I am. It’s childish to complain that things “aren’t fair.” That is like a kid complaining that his brother got a bigger piece of the birthday cake.
posted by TruckMetal on 12-14-2007 at 2:43 pm
My mother works for a very large telecommunications company. One day while visiting her office, I noticed a plaque on the wall of her coworker’s cube. There was a pen mounted on it and written below was something to the effect of “I got this pen in recognition of 25 years service to XXXX” below that there was another pen, very similar to the first, mounted and a note saying “and this is what I got for getting my oil changed…” Mom works in a group where the lowest seniority is about 18 years. Honestly, I think they do this crap on purpose to try to convince them to quit….
posted by Sarah on 12-14-2007 at 2:45 pm
My company used to spend upwards of $300,000 to plan a “winter event” for employees at its home office every year (I know, because I helped plan it). When Hurricane Katrina happened, the execs saw it as an opportunity to say, “Hey, let’s give that money to hurricane victims!” which was nice, and everyone really appreciated the gesture. But in following years, they just quietly never brought the event back and never replaced it with anything. Not even company keychains.
posted by anonymous on 12-14-2007 at 2:54 pm
I was in the Navy and our present was a 6pack of enimas.
posted by amy on 12-14-2007 at 2:58 pm
I’ve been on both sides-but I must be livin right with this job because I’ve been spoiled rotten from day one.
One year my bosses installed a remote starter on my car. Very nice in our sub zero temps.
This year? I got (will get) a purebred Ragdoll kitten.
Plus a cash bonus every year.
OK I’m gloating, but it doesn’t make me feel better for all of you who really get the shaft. And I am very thankful.
The key is to work for small yet highly successful family businesses. ;)
posted by mrs.djs on 12-14-2007 at 3:10 pm
To help balance out some of the crappy incentives people have gotten. Here are a few of the rather nice ones that I have received:
1. Yesterday was our company holiday party which I could not attend. So my boss ordered me to go home early.
2. I am a salaried employee, but my company allows us to “earn” time off (in addition to normal vacation time) for working overtime
3. In High School I worked for the local bagel shop. Not only did we get all the free food we could stomach while on the job, I still get half off everything I buy. I haven’t work there in 10 years.
4. At the same job, every year around Christmas our boss would hand us a nice wad of cash on top of our normal pay.
Just wanted to give some anonymous props to some very nice little touches that made/make me feel like I mean something.
posted by Cheeques on 12-14-2007 at 3:17 pm
One company I worked at had a catered lunch delivered on Christmas eve at 1 pm and then we could leave early. But the wife of the husband/wife team that owned the company didn’t like that people weren’t working, so she had her husband call in to the office to say that lunch would be postponed two hours (yes, we had to cover up that lunch meat.) She spent the afternoon in her office with the door closed and later he appeared to be very uncomfortable when no one would talk to him.
posted by Denise on 12-14-2007 at 3:27 pm
I used to work for a company that gave awesome incentives. Cash bonuses (albeit small ones) for just about everything and 2 open bar parties a year. It seemed great for a while then it suddenly dawned on me I was coming up on 4 years and I was just getting my second raise. I was making a whopping 49 cents more than when I started.
Now I work for a company that isnt nearly so incetive happy (golf shirt, christmas lunch no drinks) but I make a hell of a lot more each week! Guess you can’t have everything but I’m happier now.
posted by Lisa H on 12-14-2007 at 3:38 pm
I have received some nice ones as well. I’ve been pretty lucky. The worst one was free admission passes to the aquarium where I worked every day and had free rein of every day. And there was this competition to win a “spirit bear” that was a talking bear that sat on your desk. but you didn’t get to keep it — human resources would just wander through and put it on someone’s desk for a week, hoping to incite competition for the bear.
posted by Mo on 12-14-2007 at 3:40 pm
Worst I ever had was when the newspaper I worked for reported record profits (back when papers could actually SAY something like that) and had a generous plan for EVERY employee to share in the extra windfall. The generous plan…we all got a Nestle’s Crunch Bar. No joke.
Best I ever had? Place gave us a nice bonus based on years with the company, and even on the low end like I was it was a pretty nice little bonus.
posted by Alvie on 12-14-2007 at 4:35 pm
The worst I’ve ever seen was from my husband’s former employer. As a holiday bonus, they included random coupons from the newspaper in the paycheck envelopes.
posted by Tiffany on 12-14-2007 at 5:14 pm
I used to work at a nature center that kept all sorts of reptiles. Reptiles that ate, among other things, mice and rats. We raised the rodents ourselves, and the employees were allowed first pick should we decide we wanted to keep some of them instead of feeding them to the pythons.
Yeah. We got free mice and rats. Beat that.
posted by Vikki on 12-14-2007 at 5:45 pm
Not a Holiday bonus but oh well…
I worked for Target a couple years back and they would give all of their “emloyee of the month” winners absolutely nothing. You get announced as the best employee that month and you get a polariod pic put up on a wall for everyone to laugh at. Yes I did hate that job…
posted by Anon on 12-14-2007 at 7:03 pm
I worked for a department store chain when I was young. As a reward for doing something “above and beyond”, they would give you a points certificate. As I recall, if you collected a thousand points, you could turn it it for a ten dollar gift certificate.
I never met an employee who had collected enough points to actually turn them into cash.
posted by bibli0phile on 12-14-2007 at 9:20 pm
Maybe this doesn’t qualify as an “incentive” per se, but I just feel like getting this off of my chest.
I worked as a clerk for the US Post Office in the ’90s (Phoenix, Arizona – CFS) One year, we received a bag of microwave popcorn with 2 movie tickets to a local theater. V V Lame. I’d rather receive nothing. Just like a 10% off coupon. You can keep it!
posted by Kevin on 12-14-2007 at 10:28 pm
When I was in the Army, we were in our last month of preperation for a deployment. We got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and New Years Day off. They gave us half-days the week between Christmas and New Years, and for our Christmas festivities, we had forced fun of watching our friends beat each other up. Why they thought a boxing match would make us feel better about deploying 2 weeks after Christmas, I’ll never know. While we were deployed, we had about the same schedule during the holidays. I would have killed for some pizza or ice cream.
posted by Jenny on 12-14-2007 at 11:19 pm
I’ve worked for a major private bank for about 5 years. About 1 1/2 years ago, a co-worker “celebrated” 30 years with the company… her award for many years of service, a vast amount of knowledge, transferring from a major city to a minor one at the bank’s request??? An acrylic block with her name on a piece of decorative magnetic paper on the back. Wow! really makes you want a career with them. This year, my 5th and her 31st, our jobs have been moved to India so in January, we’re done. What a great place to work!
posted by Catherine on 12-14-2007 at 11:38 pm
I had a job at a produce stand in high school that would close on the big holidays (July 4th, Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas) and pay us for the day anyway. They would also have a huge pig roast at the beginning of the summer for everyone who WILL work that summer and a huge picnic at the end for the workers and their families. We didn’t get paid squat but I worked ther for 6 years because I truly felt appreciated.
I also had a job in a seafood store where we could get 1 pound of whatever we wanted each weekend and then 5 pounds for Thanksgiving and 10 (TEN!) pounds for Christmas and New Years (20 pounds total) We also got one free bushel of crabs during the summer AND our birthdays off, with pay, and a free meal for up to 10 at the bosses’ restaurant. Again, didn’t pay much but it was a blast!
At the other extreme- had a boss who, to celebrate our winning a $50 Million contract bought one- as in a SINGLE- bottle of single malt and gave everyone a shot of it. If you turned it down (I was on antibiotics) he drank yours for you and thanked HIMSELF for it.
Also had a company that gave out packs of cigarettes for Christmas and a coupon for an ice cream cone on your anniversary- a KID’s cone!
Last and also least, I had a boss who was given a lump sum of cash (about $35,000) by his boss to hand out to the best employees “as he saw fit.” Guess who the best employee was. Yep, none of us saw so much as a dime.
posted by Scott on 12-15-2007 at 12:27 am
Hmmm, let’s see. Now don’t get me wrong, they don’t have to do it. But if they’re paying very low wages, and regularly give you grief, a token of non- appreciation can be infuriating.
I worked for McDonald’s as a teen, and we actuall had formal Christmas parties, 4th of July picnics, and Ballgames if you were a trainer–those were the days!
Then there was the NHL team owner that gave us 200$ gift cards (undoubtedly sewn into some sponsorship contract)which was nice, but he also gave us –snuff bottles?!? He had the team logo painted on the inside-snuff bottles?!?! Can I PLEASE get the retail value on that? What the hell? Seriously, it even had a spoon.
Others from that job: Promo items they had no room to store and sponsor items fans and players didn’t want.
One job-entertainment book
Another job-U bring it pot luck
Yet another-T-shirts the owner got for free on his trip to chicago
Bosses:Make an effort if you care, if not, leave it alone.
posted by Ain't Sayin on 12-15-2007 at 12:36 am
I worked for Kohl’s while in school. They also did the rubber bracelet thing as motivation. You could earn 4 different bracelets which had the 4 differnt categories on them – I don’t even remember what they were. No one wore them.
And for those of you who say we should be happy for getting anything, I disagree. I think that the message it sends is the most upsetting – “Hey, all that hard work you’ve been putting in is worth a hunk of 5 cent rubber.” The people who are making these companies post their billion dollar profits aren’t seeing dime one (I also worked at Wal-Mart for .50 above minimum wage – can you tell?). Yeah, life isn’t fair. But I’m not going to just shut my mouth and be grateful for what I have – that is the mindset of the oppressed. If we do not speak out, nothing will change. Viva la revolucion!
posted by Jill on 12-15-2007 at 12:45 am
Years ago I worked for a large company owned by and named for the then-richest man in Minnesota. Our Christmas gift one year? A copy of the owner’s book about how he got to be the richest man in Minnesota. Gee, thanks Curt. And thanks for misspelling my name when you signed it for me.
At the other end of the spectrum, I worked briefly for an internet company that provided free beer to all employees on Friday afternoons. That was seriously cool. So was the monthly bring your dog to work day tradition. Then my job got sent to India. Oh, well.
posted by eric! on 12-15-2007 at 7:10 am
I unfortunately work @ inbound call center for a large insurance co. Like all other insurance co’s the push is to get as much from the customer as possible. We are required to offer life insurance on every call. If you get someone that agrees to speak with a life insurance agent you get to (hold onto your seats) get up from your chair take off your leash, oops I mean headset and go take one of the mylar balloons to have at your desk till the next person gets theirs then they can come take it from you. Its kind of like “yay look at me, then you get backslapped once the next person gets theirs” What amuses me more then anything is the fact that some people get great joy in collecting the balloons then if all three of these balloons end up with one team that manager sends out a smack down challenge to the rest of the department. I have never wanted a blow dart gun more, these balloons are frickn annoying and childish.
posted by ashamed on 12-15-2007 at 8:34 am
non-crappy work incentive… i used to work at victorias secret. they give you free bras and super discounts on perfume. twas awesome
posted by v on 12-15-2007 at 11:38 am
I also have a non crappy work incentive. I work the citibank call center and they usually give put Ipods. Just thought I’d gloat a bit. Hee hee.
posted by Gilbert on 12-15-2007 at 1:19 pm
I do contract work for a shopping channel. This year they gave out small vanity mirrors with company logo on them.
posted by Matt on 12-15-2007 at 9:00 pm
I got quite spoiled by my first job – it was at a very small company run by an elderly man who was both eccentric and very demanding. Luckily he recognized his own personality quirks and knew he wasn’t the easiest person to work for, so if someone did a good job and stuck with him, they were rewarded handsomely. My annual Christmas bonuses were large enough that Uncle Sam took approx $2000 out in taxes. We were also treated to lunch at a five-star restaurant on our birthdays. So it was a huge slap of reality when, after I’d worked there for 12 years the owner died, the company closed and I had to get a new job. It was another small company in the same line of business, but this owner could squeeze a nickel until the buffalo pooped. Not only were there no outings or bonuses of any type during the year, at Christmas any gifts I received (vendors often sent fruit baskets and such) were confiscated, the card tossed, and were subsequently re-gifted to customers so the Boss didn’t have to spend any money.
posted by Manon on 12-16-2007 at 2:43 am
I’ve had a few jobs where the management was tight during the holidaze, but my current employer is cool.
A paid week off between Christmas and New Year.
Staff luncheon at a nice restaurant.
Group lunch at another nice restaurant.
Don’t give up hope.
posted by anon on 12-16-2007 at 12:38 pm
“As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly”
Hahaha!
posted by Moon on 12-16-2007 at 6:06 pm
“They don’t have to give you anything so why’re you complaining?”
I’d rather the management didn’t make things weird by pretending to be my friends. I’m here for the money and the insurance and they’re trying to work me for as little as they can get away with. I’m comfortable with this arrangement.
I’ve seen young employees get confused by this ‘we care’ treatment to disastrous results.
posted by Andie on 12-17-2007 at 10:11 am
I worked for a company that gave out decent gifts (took us out for a nice dinner, free baseball game, big catered party) but it was to make up for the fact that not only did the customers treat us like trash, but so did most of our coworkers! As a receptionist in a service-based business, noone would even bother to learn my name for the first 3 months. Our managers were grossly overpaid and spent all of their time avoiding work but complaining about being poor while getting free services done on/to them during their ‘breaks’ that they conviently forgot to clock out for. You know, if you leave early every day, it’s hard to make overtime. Weird concept, I realize.
There was a lot of turn-over for receptoinists… gee I wonder why.
The best part is that they just bitch when they have to hire new people (which is constantly) but they don’t change anything?
Oh and at your reviews (the owners are a little too hands-on and always want to ‘talk to you in the office’), they’d tell give you motivational speeches and everyone would leave the office with a new self-help book to read. I must have been doing something right…or wrong… I never got a book.
Not that the book was great motivation.. you were supposed to read it quickly and give it back so they could pass it off to another soul that needs their counseling.
Good riddance!
posted by Emily on 12-17-2007 at 10:46 am
I work in the IT department of a large University. Many years ago no bonuses were given, which was OK. Then there were some demanding projects, where people worked 60-70 hours per week for a year or two. Those people were given $1000-$2000 bonuses. Not bad. The latest bonus for people working 60-70 hours per week is kudos. Yes at an all hands meeting your are called by name and handed a ‘Kudos’ candy bar.
posted by Stew on 12-17-2007 at 1:01 pm
In 2006 National Semiconductor gave all 8500 of its employees 30GB iPods. After 35 employees at its Arlington, TX, plant were laid off, the company asked them to return the iPods or buy them at “fair market value.” Some of the terminated employees had already sold them or given them away.
posted by JasonS on 12-17-2007 at 1:47 pm
I worked at a club for a year or so and during the year, they fired the general manager and REFUSED to hire anyone to replace him (what a trendy way to save money!) making all of us work twice as much for the same pay. Come christmas time, guess what? Our bonus had dissapeared and we didn’t even get so much as a thank you.
I made a comment to the owners assistant about the absence fo even a nice greeting card (I really would hve been happy with just that) and was told: “You want a Christmas, card? I’ll make him sign you a damn christmas card RIGHT now if it’ll make you happy.” Merry Christmas and goodwill to all men my arse!
posted by Bitter on 12-17-2007 at 4:22 pm
When I worked for Maryland Public Television they would have the occassinal barbedbecue for us employees, the one time Steve Raichlen the host of BBQ U cooked for us. They had an employee drawing for his books and the only people who won were the management from the front office. It was fixed. I did get a chiken leg.
posted by Ms. Mole on 12-17-2007 at 9:24 pm
I don’t count work-sponsored parties or even happy hours as “incentives” for the simple fact that being forced to hang with my coworkers is not my idea of fun. It’s work, but even more uncomfortable because of the enforced social atmosphere. I don’t watch the tv shows those people do, and I dislike listening to recaps of them. Their lives are inane borefests and a few are even Republicans.
Give me the money and I’ll go get hammered with my friends, thankyouverymuch.
posted by Professor Pan on 12-17-2007 at 11:10 pm
I worked for a .com electronics retailer that one year laid off half the staff in November, just as we were about to roll out some major new features on the website and right before the holiday rush. To reward us those of us left for our hard work through crunch time, they gave each of us a Rio 64mb MP3 player… and then the CEO praised the portable electronics buyer for getting pallets of them for $.03/each.
posted by Anon on 12-19-2007 at 7:53 pm
Well, I dont have an actual job , but my boyfriend works for a company with a name that sounds a lot like Wal-Bart, and they give him the cute little notes that say L.E.C, which stand for Leave early cards. They are pretty self explanatory, but the catch is you dont get paid for the hour you leave early for. Best part is he works nights so if he uses one that means he gets to come home at 6am instead of 7am…Woo-de-freakin-hoo.
posted by Alicia on 12-20-2007 at 10:08 am
I work at a publishing company I wanted a raise this year, but my boss said he couldn’t offer one. But he added that, as I’d been working so hard, I should be able to attend fairs abroad.
Excuse me, since when is spending days on end in airports, planes and carpet-covered halls without seeing your family or friends (or even be able to do the tourist thing) and getting paid no overtime considered “a perk”?
posted by Not a travelling saleswoman! on 12-21-2007 at 7:54 am
I have a second job doing retail part-time, and we also are encouraged to sign customers up for charge accounts. Our incentive? $2 per card! I’m not terribly motivated by $2, sorry to say. It just reminds me of the paperboy in “Better Off Dead”–”I want my $2!”
I also used to work for a payday advance company. One year, they told us we could hold a cookout at each branch, provided it didn’t interfere with the other merchants nearby. So we got all excited, thinking about the publicity it’d bring and how many new customers we’d gain. Until we were told that we’d get no help from the company locating anything for these cookouts–we would have to obtain donations on our own for everything, as they would not pay for food, decorations, etc. Oh, and it had to be planned during work hours (they were anti-overtime), when we had enough to do as it was. And did I mention there were only 2 people in each branch? Needless to say, the manager and I basically said forget it.
posted by Krie on 3-11-2008 at 4:45 pm
At the large automotive plant where I worked we usually got nothing for Christmas until the year our great leader of a plant manager joined the plant’s acapella choir and gave each and every employee a cassette of Christmas songs performed by said plant choir. It turned out to be a gift that keeps on giving since copies turn up every year as gag gifts!
posted by Ranger Ron on 3-11-2008 at 5:54 pm