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The responses to Randy’s post on crappy work incentives are so great. My favorite kind of humor. One of the greatest incentives: forced fun at holiday parties.
With our liberal eat-at-your-desk policy and Mangesh’s new “I’ll bring in cupcakes!” habit, every single day is a party in the mental_floss New York office. So there’s no need to throw a special one. But judging from away messages and Facebook status updates, this week was big for corporate holiday programming.
I’m in meetings all day, and only have a second to post this. So I’ll tell you a quick story about a previous employer’s December celebration from 2005, then you can tell me all about your best (worst) experiences.
Holiday Party season is brutal on the commuting class. We held ours at the Heartland Brewery in Times Square. When the clock struck 10, I stumbled over to Port Authority and hopped on my bus. The combination of cheap red wine and exhaust fumes knocked me right out. When I woke up, the scenery was unfamiliar. Equal parts panicked and confused, I rang the bell and hopped off. Equal parts drunk and careless, I failed to bring my cell phone.
My bearings eventually restored, I trekked the 1.7 miles home. Through the snow. No sidewalks. A Back-In-My-Day story to tell the kids. The passed-out-on-the-bus/lost-my-phone details will likely be phased out over time. And “Heartland Brewery” will be replaced by “soul-enriching charity work.”
You can do much better than that. Let’s hear them!
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The best holiday party I ever went to was when I worked at a pecan farm. My job was testing quality of pecans (no, not by eating them). The holiday party was outside in the cold but it didn’t matter- the debris leftover from pecan processing left us a pile about the size of a small house. Of course we lit it on fire and had ourselves a huge bonfire (it burned for 2 weeks straight afterwards)…the heat from the bonfire kept us warm all night, as well as the roast pig and turkey….there was also some veggies but we pushed those outta the way. My bosses were surprisingly talented musicians and whipped out their guitars and banjos and played bluegrass all night. We challenged each other to take shots and shots of liquor and then see who could win the dance contest. The most crazy thing was hiding behind the barn uh..ahem..”smoking” and seeing my boss do the same. The following day he could not recollect anything that happened.
posted by lizhot on 12-14-2007 at 2:03 pm
The worst part of the holiday forced-festivities is when folks start passing around presents. In an event that will forever live on with my co-workers and my family, we all skied our way through the snow to the office building that was set to house our party, as they were too cheap to get a place.
An associate, who shall only be called Pancake Sue, is often the subject of our conversation when it comes to pot-lucking. She oftentimes brings pancakes because she’s so cheap. Let’s face it, no one’s eatin’ pancakes for an office potluck at 1:30. Sick.
At any rate, I didn’t buy her anything because she knew how I felt about her pancake shennanigans. It was no secret. So I was baffled, nay, dumbfounded, when she proudly handed me the card she made me that she printed off her computer. When I opened it, I realized that she had indeed given me a Christmas gift…a donation made in my name. To her coven.
If anyone is familiar with Seinfeld, this will smack of when George gave everyone a donation to the Human Fund in their name. Pancake Sue ran the coven, and took a cut off the top for “administrative fees”. So, she basically paid herself, and said, “Thank You” to me. Raise your syrup bottles high this Christmas for Pancake Sue…true story.
posted by emc on 12-14-2007 at 2:26 pm
My department holiday party takes place tonight in a club at the top of a downtown Omaha skyscraper (yeah, it has those–well, two). I work for emergency doctors who never fail to amaze me with their own lack of self-control when it comes to the full, open bar. I’m sure they’ve lectured their fair share of inebriated teenagers needing their stomachs pumped. Anyhow, last year’s soiree proved pretty memorable, so we’ll see what’s in store for us this time. I’m bringing my camera.
posted by Kelly on 12-14-2007 at 2:57 pm
We no longer have a proper holiday party. Instead, our holiday party will take place next Thursday, at 2pm in the boardroom. That’s right we get to eat cookies and “drink” with colleagues in the office under fluorescent lights …
posted by kt on 12-14-2007 at 3:32 pm
I’ll say I’m sorry right now because this story is a tear jerker but I have not shared this with many people, maybe 3.
Setting: Chicago, 1975
I was in the navy at the time and was stationed at the Great Lakes Training Center as an instructor. A couple of friends and I decided to head into the Windy City for the weekend as it would be our last chance to do so. We were all heading out on or about the 20th for other places. We traveled by train and headed straight for the USO where we would start our great adventure.
The staff members told us of a Christmas party that they would be attending and asked us to come along. It was at an orphanage and did not really interest us but the staff members (did I mention they were very pretty ladies of our own age) talked us into it. (You guys know what happens when looonnnnng eyelashes are batted your way.) We finally arrived and we went into the gym where the party was being held.
Oh yea, by the way, we are setting up for the party too.
The party started about 2 hours later when the Nuns brought in the children and they all ran up to the 6 of us. The kids ranged in age of 3 to 9. Now we find out from talking with the Nuns that this is not a orphanage but a home for children that are terminal and who have been left in the Sisters care. The Sisters said that all the children at the party would not live to see another.
A 5 year old girl by the name Mary Grace latched on to me and she stole my heart. She was a shy, bright eyed, curly blonde who could melt the ice off the coldest heart with just a look. We spent 2 hours together, mostly with her on my lap or in my arms. When she and here fellow party goers left I felt I was leaving my own child behind. I was in tears. I did not want to let go.
I asked one of the sisters to notify me when Mary Grace died and I left notes on how to do so. I left what I could behind to get her what she needed and I walked out the door. I was in California at the end of January when I received the call relayed by my parents. I cried for an hour thinking on how that beautiful child had to face death alone.
And now I’m in tears again.
posted by Owen on 12-15-2007 at 3:11 am
I know it was not a corporate Christmas party……The USO and The Navy and the Catholic Church, what else can I say.
posted by Owen on 12-15-2007 at 3:15 am
I worked, as a gardener, for a company with several small branches. One of these was a sports bar. When they gave a party for the office staff the fare was pizza, wings, cheese fries and other sports bar fare. The staff complained so much that the next year the V.P. and her assistant hand rolled sushi to serve along wu=with fancy cheeses, wine, and related fare. Of course the staff complained about this as well, causing the company to no longer have a party. Our two person maintainence staff, on the other hand received cash bonuses.
posted by gus on 12-15-2007 at 8:40 am
The little pharmacy I work at typically holds it’s holiday party in the summer. I don’t really know why, it’s just what we do. But they’re usually really nice. This year we had a Hawaiian luau with dancers and music, and really good food.
posted by Janel on 12-16-2007 at 1:39 am
Two memorable holiday office events:
I was a manager of an overnight shipping company in the 70s – a new concept at the time. Holiday bonuses were given at the “party” – there was the usual crappy buffet and no-host bar. Afterwards I was talking to my staff and learned they were given $10 gift certificates at a local grocery (I was given a hefty cash bonus). I thought this unfair, cashed the bonus and split it among my staff. Word about this got to upper management and they were ready to have my hide nailed to the shipping dock door. Dunno why. I pointed out that it was *my* money (they gave it to me) and I could dispose of it in any way I wanted to and if they didn’t like it there was this new outfit in town called the ACLU that would just LOVE to hear this story. They backed down, but within six months I was fired because our new area manager screwed up his job and blamed it on me – I was not politically connected like he was.
Things worked out, though. He was in the country illegally, having been on the wrong side of a military coup in Argentina and left that country one step ahead of a posse with a substantial amount of the new government’s funds in the form of bearer bonds and other securities. Couple of phone calls to the Argentinian Embassy in L.A. made it easy for them to find him and, son of gun, the US had an extradition treaty with Argentina. Bye bye.
Other ugly holiday party – I worked for a regional airline, Reno Air, which was bought out by American Airlines in 1999/2000. When AA took over they told us everybody at Reno Air would have jobs with AA. The day of the big shebang holiday party the Reno Air VP Ops called me into her office and told me that AA did not have an IT department and none of my staff would be offered jobs because there weren’t any – AA’s IT dept. consisted of half a dozen middle-level bureaucrats whose jobs consisted of outsourcing the tech work. It was my job to go tell 17 people that there was no room at the inn and we’d be getting severance packages and accumulated vacation time and thank you very much for your service.
It was also earlier that same day that I’d told my wife that I couldn’t handle her constant and blatant infidelities and that she had to find someplace else to live and someone else’s money to spend and here’s the name of my divorce attorney.
Not the best day of my life…
posted by Doc on 12-16-2007 at 1:27 pm
At the holiday party for my squadron last year I was standing in the buffet line when a woman in the line caught my eye. She looked incredibly familiar and I was sure I’d known who she was at some point in our lives. Since I live in England I wasn’t sure if it was somebody I had met at a previous base. I had a nagging thought that it was somebody I knew. Well,I finally got up the nerve to approach her and asked about where I might know her. It turns out we went to high school together and her brother was in the same graduating class as me. I never thought I’d meet up with somebody thousands of miles away that I knew 10 years ago. To make the coincedence more special, we both married men from Ohio and we had talked to each other on the phone at work and not known who the other was. We’re good friends now and I’m glad I went over and talked to her.
posted by Tricia on 12-16-2007 at 8:19 pm
Hey Owen, Thanks for sharing your story. Providing to make that little girl’s last days more comfortable was a really decent thing.
posted by Ashley on 12-17-2007 at 8:34 am