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M
y voice mail greeting used to be the litmus test of my emotional stability. If I happened to be going through an especially schizoid period, the girl on the machine (um, me; see, i’m veering dissociative already) would either solicit callers warmly to leave important data and sweet nothings, or bark her number and something monosyllabic in closing.
And when other people I know change their voice mail greetings, I always think: something’s wrong. They’re angry. Lonely. Broke. Hunted. Or maybe they’ve been chastised by someone close to their hearts or paychecks. But if the greeting isn’t linked to an actual human voice, then I don’t take it as hard. It then seems less personal and more whimsical, like changing the wallpaper on your myspace. And for people who do like to thusly outsource their greetings, there are countless options.
If you’re a PETA supporter, you can have the guitarist for Good Charlotte intone a voice mail greeting for you. If you’re concerned a percentage of your callers aren’t registered to vote, Mary J. Blige will remind them during the time you dash to either answer or silence your ringer. YouMail has a ton, including a whole category devoted to “Fake Errors“–for the poor dears among us who actually are being stalked? Or who are just malicious–I shutter at the “Earthquake” one (but thought the “this call requires a 25¢ deposit” was cute).
I might even prefer getting any of these over the one I can’t stand the most: the “fake-out” greeting, in which the person actually records himself answering the phone and starting a conversation, responding to you, etc., then laughs and breaks the news that, sucka, leave a message after the beep.
Are there greetings out there that make you want to jump through the phone?
Comments (18)
Comment
I hate the pre-recorded ones that come with the phone service. It’s ok if the person at least records their name to go with it, but when you just get the automated message with just a phone number . . . I always freak out and wonder if I called the wrong person (the problem with cell phones is that I don’t know anyone’s number anymore).
And yea, I hate the fake out messages too, as well as the ones where someone records a song FIVE MINUTES LONG before saying they’re not there . . . . seriously, we know. We just wanna get to the damn message already!
posted by nutmeag on 12-19-2007 at 7:26 am
My brother had a voice message that he recorded himself. It was three minutes of him saying: “Hello? I can’t hear you. [pause] What? [longer pause] Oh, hey! What’s up? [pause again] I can’t hear you! Speak up!” The only way anyone ever knew it was a message and not actually him was the beep at the end and the automated voice telling you to leave a message. It drove my dad absolutely insane.
posted by bryn on 12-19-2007 at 8:08 am
I hate it when people let their kids record the greeting. Bah! Humbug!
posted by Amy on 12-19-2007 at 8:40 am
My friend Bat has great voicemails. Once her voicemail was simply “I’m from Thailand!” The next time she changed her voicemail it was “For all you people that DON’T think I’m from Thailand — Here’s a message from my neighbor.” she then handed the phone off to a friend of ours who is an international student… from Thailand. XD
Another friend of mine once had a voicemail where she repeated the message you hear after the tone. You know “Press 1 to leave a message, Press 5 to leave a numeric page…” etc etc when she finished that, she said, “HAH! NOW YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO IT AGAIN!” The first time it was cute… the 400th time… not so much.
The voicemail that REALLY made me jump through the phone though, was once a friend of mine set up two snapple bottles , sat his phone between them, and recorded his voicemail as nothing but a spoon banging bang and forth on the glass bottles. EVIL. The same guy also did a voicemail where he impersonated Bob Ross.
My friends are special.
My favorite voicemail that my friends currently have is a very professional voicemail of one of my friends — who ends his message in Africanz. :D So pretty!
posted by Ashley on 12-19-2007 at 8:47 am
I hate the duet answering machines…
Bob: “Hello, this is Bob…”
Carol: “…and Carol”
Unison: “and we´re the Smiths!”
Bob: “We´re not home…”
Carol: “…so leave a message…”
Unison: “…at the tone!”
(Note: all characters depicted above are mostly fictional although resemblence to actual people is not coincidental). :)
posted by GTT on 12-19-2007 at 9:10 am
my aunt usually has a great one. a sampling of past messages:
“i’ve gone out to find myself, if i should get back before i return, please ask me to wait. thanks!”
“the answering machine is broken, you’re talking to the refrigerator so speak slowly and clearly.”
posted by mri on 12-19-2007 at 9:16 am
I’m guilty of the fake-out kind of voicemail; man did I get some angry messages when I had that one!! Mainly my mom, who forgot every time that it was fake. For awhile I just tried leaving a brusque, “Hi, this is Molly, you know what to do” message, but people always left messages asking me why I was so pissed. I think I’ll change my soon though; I like the ones that are just a song/intro to a song… or even better… maybe I’ll belch into the phone and have that as my message. Awesome.
posted by Molly W. on 12-19-2007 at 9:38 am
I had a semi-professional message on my phone for a while when I was job hunting and it drove my friends nuts. Every single message from one friend started, “So, when are you doing a *fun* message again?”
There’s just no pleasing some people.
posted by Sarah on 12-19-2007 at 9:57 am
Every time I call someone whose greeting says, “Please leave a brief message,” I want to leave a message about the history of underpants.
posted by Molly N. on 12-19-2007 at 9:59 am
Oh! I just remembered the voicemail I had that garnered me the most abuse:
Hi this is Ashley, and I’m either at work, in class, asleep or I’m screening my phone calls and you just don’t make the cut. Leave a message.
My mom was quite upset that I would “screen” her calls and requested an immediate change. ;)
posted by Ashley on 12-19-2007 at 10:59 am
My friends dad had the most annoying message on their voicmail it home. It was a parody of that song “Don’t Worry be Happy” except it was “Don’t Worry, Leave a Message” I swear it went on for five minutes. Needless to say I never left a message, just hung up!
posted by Leslie on 12-19-2007 at 11:31 am
I’m guilty of the fake out too… but I was in college and I hope that serves as a valid excuse.
I really cant stand music on someone’s voice mail.
Two minutes of your favorite pop/bad emo/trance song recorded from your CD player means I have to waste 120 seconds of my life listening to a scratchy recording that I dont a)like or b)recognize.
Unless you’re still in high school - Just. Don’t. (those extra periods mean business)
posted by Stef on 12-19-2007 at 11:48 am
My grandparents cannot *stand* telemarketers… so my nana says “Hi. We are currently unavailable to dialogue with you. We will return your call expeditiously. Please leave your name, phone number, and communicae after the tone.”
They figured if someone was bright enough to understand the message, then they probably weren’t telemarketers. (sorry!)
posted by lainey on 12-19-2007 at 1:14 pm
This is the message I used to have on my answering machine years ago:
Greetings.
You are listening to a cronoally recusive answering device.
I’m not here at the moment because I’ve gone to the future to buy this device, so that I can take to the past and install it for your use now.
At the sound of the tone, please remember what you are going to tell me, and I’ll get back to you tomorrow.
posted by James T. Savidge on 12-19-2007 at 1:58 pm
I’m infamous for funny recordings, on the answering machine, now that I don’t do it people miss them!
Some famous ones:
-Apu from the quickie mart sharing the weeks squishy flavors.
-Camel Rental Shop
-Ahab the Jewish Lawyer and his rates
-Mohammad the electronics store owner who’s got a sale going on
-Message in french. (that’s it)
-The fake out (yes shameful but I’ve done it)
-Amir the persian rug sales man who comes to your house and gives you hugs
-Joann the old lady looking for her cat while recording her voice mail message (hilarious)
posted by Bilal on 12-19-2007 at 2:11 pm
When I was younger, I would use the answering machine as a personal recorder. I would sing, read Shakespeare, fart, have a fake radio show, flush the toilet, etc., then play it back to see what I sounded like. (Let me clarify,I was/am a dork.) I’ll never forget the day when I forgot to erase this Bjork-esque song I created(featuring beats made by shaking a can of bacon bits). After going to bed, I woke up the next morning to the sound of my “song,” followed by a message from my parent’s insurance agent.
More recently, my favorite voicemail message ploy is to have a member of the opposite sex (points for accents) leave the outgoing message, while still using my name, info, etc. Right now it’s my grandpa.
posted by MoneyPenny on 12-19-2007 at 3:59 pm
i have to say, the fake out messages are the worst. closely followed by the recorded song ones where the person wasn’t smart enough to make the music loud enough to even be audible.
my best message wasn’t even mine. i once grabbed my friend’s cell phone and re-recorded her voicemail greeting by singing in an opratic voice. the message was a hit.. too big of one, word got out and she was taking calls from strangers asking her to hang up and let them hear her voicemail message. sadly, the message had to be short lived so strangers would leave her alone.
posted by tami on 12-19-2007 at 10:13 pm
I prefer recording a fax machine noise on my voice mail. Most people give up before reaching the beep which suites me just fine.
My usual message is just “You have 10 seconds .. Go!”
Unfortunately the people who have driven me to hating voice mail find this far to subtle.
posted by kr on 12-20-2007 at 10:14 pm