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It’s not every day that a 130-year-old joke makes me laugh for five minutes. It might be a new one to us here in the states, but the “bill stickers” pun is a golden oldie across the pond, where sarcastic vandals have been rallying for Bill Stickers’ freedom ever since anti-bill signs (the British equivalent of “post no bills” notices elsewhere) started appearing everywhere in the 1960s. But the joke goes back even further, to at least the 1880s, when the London Graphic printed this:
“A countryman named William Stickers, flying to London to escape from rural justice, was appalled at reading on a wall: ‘Bill Stickers Beware!’ He went a little further, but reading again, ‘Bill Stickers will be punished with the utmost rigour of the law,’ gave himself up for lost and surrendered.”
In any case, I’m not usually pun-loving person (heh, sorry), but this one really got me. Now here’s the part of a post like this that I love: what’s your favorite pun?
‘End Roadwork’ ‘End Construction’ and ‘End School Zone’ signs are obviously the work of an underground network of anti-progress, neo-luddite Anarchists!
posted by M.R. on 1-11-2008 at 10:07 am
I can’t believe he actually said this (and I can’t believe I’m repeating it):
Woman friend: “I’m attracted to other women. You’re okay with that, right?”
My dad, without missing a step: “Oh yeah, that’s fine with me. But be careful. This is Alabama, and the lesbian said about that, the better.”
posted by ellen on 1-11-2008 at 10:08 am
I’m not exactly sure that qualifies as a pun but it is hilarious. My friends and I have a list which we call “The List” and is composed of names like Bill Stickers that we dream up while traveling. Car and plane rides seem to stimulate our brains in this direction. Our latest additions include Reston Pease, Bella Poke, and Major Storms. We also have fun concocting the occupations that go along with such names. “The List” is going on forty+ names. A corollary to this is a game we call “Extended Family”. We start with a last name and add relative with descriptives names. Our classic is the extended family of Don Ho. Bet you can come up with some of his relatives.
posted by Alice on 1-11-2008 at 10:11 am
I couldn’t remember the lead-in so I had to look it up:
Three brothers bought a cattle ranch in Texas. They couldn’t think of a name for it so they asked their father. He said that they should name it ‘Focus.’ When the brothers asked him why, he said “Because ‘Focus’ is where the sun’s rays meet.”
posted by BrianD on 1-11-2008 at 10:23 am
Couldn’t help but post this from today’s MF site.
Moron Arrested After Driving Truck Into House
A man was arrested last Friday after he drove his truck into a house in Texas. 20-year-old Bryan Scott Moron was arrested after failing a sobriety test. His blood alcohol level was twice the legal limit.
posted by Lisa on 1-11-2008 at 10:23 am
I LOVE this joke, but everyone else I know thinks I’m crazy when I tell it… it is better when you say it outloud…
“Two pretzels were walking down the street. One was assaulted.” (Get it? assaulted = a salted!)
posted by Kelly J on 1-11-2008 at 10:23 am
An oldie, but a goodie.
“A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother”
Also, my dad wore this on a sweater for a while, the pun being so bad I wanted to kill him:
“Church musicians say ‘Sanctuary Much’”
posted by Stu on 1-11-2008 at 10:23 am
two skunks named in and out. one day when out was in and in was out, momma sent out out to find in. he came back in mere seconds.
Momma: How did you find your brother so quickly?
Out: Instinct
posted by Vince on 1-11-2008 at 10:28 am
I had a dream the other night where Darth Vader was trying to get into my house and the door was kind of rickety and so we were trying to hold it closed.
And I was like “I don’t know why we’re bothering - he can just Force it open” and then (my dream self) realized that although I meant use the Force to open it, it could also mean to physically force it open.
I can’t even escape puns in my sleep!!! :-)
posted by Dan on 1-11-2008 at 10:28 am
Obviously pregnant woman to friend: “I’m going to have a baby.”
Friend: “Yes, and the reason is becoming apparent.”
posted by Dail on 1-11-2008 at 10:30 am
This from a fellow ENglish teacher:
You know those elves that work in Santa’s shop?
They are subordinate clauses.
Gotta love it
posted by Juan on 1-11-2008 at 10:34 am
2 of my favorites:
“Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.”
“Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere he went which was very tough on his feet and made them very hard. He also fasted often which made him quite weak and also gave him bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.”
posted by Petro on 1-11-2008 at 10:39 am
They are a little more elementry than some of the previous puns, but I still like:
“Do you know the capital of Alaska?
Juneau.
Yes I do, but I am asking you.”
Now lets all go play on the swings…
And, “Watt is the name of a unit of power”
posted by Tuck Steele on 1-11-2008 at 10:40 am
Someone I work with’s favorite that he ALWAYS uses at resturants:
‘I see you’re having honeymoon salad — lettuce alone.’
But I cut him slack. For him that’s pretty racy.
posted by EV on 1-11-2008 at 10:46 am
The Zen master traveled to NYC. He had never eaten a hot dog, so he found a hot dog vendor and said ‘make me one with everything.’
(Wait, it gets better)
He hands the vendor a twenty, which the vendor pockets without a word.
The Zen master asks ‘what about my change?’
Hot dog vendor says ‘change must come from within.’
Ba-dum-bump. Thanks, I’ll be here all week, try the veal.
posted by fixedgear on 1-11-2008 at 10:50 am
What do you call a cold puppy sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun.
posted by cw on 1-11-2008 at 10:52 am
I love puns. I have them every morning for breakfast.
Okay, a mushroom walks into a bar, hops up on a stool and asks for a beer. The bartender says “We don’t serve you kind in here.” Mushroom replies, “Why not? I’m a fungi.”
A piece of string walks into a bar, hops up on a stool and orders a beer. The bartender says, “We don’t serve string in here.” The string leaves, ties himself into a loop, messes up his “hair” a little and goes back into the bar and orders another beer. The bartender says, “Aren’t you the string who was just in here?” The string says, “I’m a frayed knot.”
posted by Lisa on 1-11-2008 at 10:55 am
This one’s long, but it cracks me up every time:
An anteater walks into an ice cream parlor. The ice cream man asks, “What can I do ya for?” The anteater says, “I don’t knooooooow.” So the ice cream man says, “How about some vanilla ice cream?” The anteater replies, “Nooooo”. So then the ice cream man says, “Well, how about a banana split?” But the anteater says, “Nooooo.” The ice cream man says, “Okay, what about a brownie sundae?” The anteater says, “Nooooo.” Finally, the ice cream man is fed up, and he says, “Hey buddy, what’s with the long no’s?”
Because an anteater has a long nose.
posted by leofishy on 1-11-2008 at 11:00 am
I’m stealing this headline from Fark, but it still makes me laugh:
“Man charged with assault with flashlight. Flashlight charged with battery.”
posted by Lucas on 1-11-2008 at 11:05 am
A penguin was driving through the desert when her car broke down.
She waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. Her car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told her he would need a couple of hours to check things out.
The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn’t complain, and then wandered off to find the closest supermarket.
She went next door and had a vanilla ice cream cone.
Then she noticed the time and headed back to the garage, covered with ice cream.
The mechanic walked over to her, wiping his hands and shaking his head, and said, “It looks like you blew a seal.”
Blushing, the penguin replied, “Oh no! It’s just ice cream.”
posted by Rodney on 1-11-2008 at 11:05 am
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and says “I’m lookin’ for the man that shot my pa(w)”
posted by Jerry on 1-11-2008 at 11:10 am
Our pets were the victims of our puns — with a last name of Hall, there were some interesting critters in our house: Tajmah Hall, Carnegie Hall, Mess Hall and even You Hall (beckoned with “C’mere, You!” of course). ;-)
I blame my dad, and can’t wait to inflict similar groaners on my daughter.
posted by Punny guy on 1-11-2008 at 11:12 am
When I’m driving through Mississippi (which I do more frequently than the average person, considering I don’t live there) I enjoy the road signs that say “Miss Highway Patrol,” because my first th ought is of a pageant where the winner is crowned Miss Highway Patrol.
posted by Nora on 1-11-2008 at 11:12 am
Well, cool! I’ve seen that picture before, but never knew it was a long-standing joke. Neat.
posted by Stephen on 1-11-2008 at 11:21 am
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Why the long face”?
posted by Jill on 1-11-2008 at 11:25 am
May favorite (very corny one) is this:
Person 1: It was a really intense experience
Person 2: You know what else is intense?
P1: No, what?
P2: Camping!
posted by Erin on 1-11-2008 at 11:28 am
This man loves puns, thinks about them over breakfast; during his commute; chuckles over them as he falls asleep. At last, there was a pun contest in his area, with a generous prize for the winner. He was so excited, he couldn’t decide which ones to send. After much thought, he narrowed it down to 10 of his favorite puns, figuring at least 1 would take home the prize. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
posted by sarah on 1-11-2008 at 11:34 am
As a music teacher, my favorite has to be:
“If it ain’t Baroque, don’t fix it!”
Music professors are notorious for puns.
posted by Ellen on 1-11-2008 at 11:37 am
What do you call college students who study ancient Egyptian plumbing fixtures?
Pharoah faucet majors.
I’ve gotten a few blank stares from younger people with that one.
posted by Anthony on 1-11-2008 at 11:38 am
My favorite:
A man walks into a bar
OUCH!
hahahaha
A family of four tomatoes were walking down the street. The kids were walking too slowly so the pappa tomato turns one of the little tomato kids, stomps on him and says - “Catch-up”!!
Provides a much bigger laugh if it is acted out :)
posted by Katie on 1-11-2008 at 11:39 am
I am sorry to subject everyone to this TERRIBLE joke, I know it must be PUNishing….
2 gold fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, You drive, I’ll shoot.
posted by Witty Nickname on 1-11-2008 at 11:43 am
I actually dreamed about a new French delicacy of “White Mouse” - Imagine a pristine white mouse, gutted and filled with M&M’s then microwaved for 20 seconds on “high.” Downside: Sounds disgusting. Upside: Melts in your mouse, not in your hands!
posted by Gordy (tooembarrassed)) on 1-11-2008 at 11:44 am
what happens when you don’t pay your exorsist?
You get repossessed
posted by melissa on 1-11-2008 at 11:46 am
I went to a Fark party at a bar in NYC and the woman that had put it together was greeting everyone near the door as they came in. She held out her hand to me and said, “Aileen” and I said, “Maybe one leg is shorter than the other.” I hadn’t even started drinking yet.
posted by kdub on 1-11-2008 at 11:48 am
My favorite pun ever was, alas, not my own, but from a friend from college. A few of us were all sitting around a small table, playing poker and enjoying college appropriate beverages. One friend won the particular hand we were on, and reached for the pot to collect his winnings. In doing so, he spilled his beverage all over the table, coating the forearm of our friend sitting to his left. From across the table, a third friend, without missing a beat commented, “Don’t worry, the second amendment protects your right to beer arms.”
posted by jakepants on 1-11-2008 at 11:59 am
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
Sign at a drug rehab center: “Keep Off The Grass”
Puns are for kids, not for groan adults.
posted by gmsc on 1-11-2008 at 12:04 pm
let me add one more to the Lizst…
why did Mozart kill his chicken?
it kept saying Bach, Bach, Bach!!!
musicians really do have some of the best puns…
can you Handel it?
and then there is the really long theory joke that starts with a C and a G sitting down at a bar and having a fifth between them. an Eb comes and and the bartender says, sorry but we don’t serve minors here…
posted by the creature on 1-11-2008 at 12:16 pm
I had a friend who was searching for a particular piece of music on CD and was having difficulty finding a store that had it in stock.
I said, “Do you know why it’s so hard to find?”
“No, why?”
“Because it’s Haydyn.”
posted by W on 1-11-2008 at 12:20 pm
I can’t say anything ending in “-er” around a friend of mine…
Does this taste bitter?
Bitter? I hardly even knew her!
posted by Kevin on 1-11-2008 at 12:24 pm
this is a very loose paraphrase of one I heard a long time ago…
A family owned a flower shop. They were very successful until one day a monestary opened up its own flower shop right across the street. The family became upset because they saw their old customers going to the rival shop. The trend continued until the family became distraught. They were almost out of business because of the new competition.
Then they remembered their old friend Hugh. He used to be in the mob and was very “persuasive.” The family hired Hugh to get rid of their “problem.” Needless to say, a few days later, the monestary flower shop packed up and closed down, proving once again that:
HUGH, AND ONLY HUGH CAN PREVENT FLORIST FRIARS.
*groan* hehheh
posted by Tim on 1-11-2008 at 12:26 pm
My favorite, courtesy of Spider Robinson:
I’m sure everyone has heard or read at least one story involving those gigantic chunks of ice that can sometimes form on a passenger jet’s fuselage when the the toilets are flushed at high altitudes. Sometimes these frozen clumps of blue ice and brown…er…stuff can break away from the plane. They end up hurlting earthwards, occasionally demolishing a building. Which only goes to show that even if you live nowhere near a strategic target, you can still get hit by an icy B.M.
posted by Joe Maz on 1-11-2008 at 12:27 pm
Also, Katie: You wouldn’t by any chance be a member of Fox Force 5, would you?
Fox: Because they’re all foxy girls.
Force: because they’re a force to be reckoned with.
5: because there’s one, two, three, four, five of them.
posted by Joe Maz on 1-11-2008 at 12:30 pm
A string walks into a bar. The bartender says ‘get out, we don’t serve your kind in here.’
The string leaves, dejected. Once outside, he thinks for a second, rolls himself up into a little ball and goes back inside.
The bartender asks ‘are you a string?’ The string says,’no, I’m a frayed knot.’
I’m afraid not. The horror….
posted by fixedgear on 1-11-2008 at 12:32 pm
Did you here about the 3′ spiritualist wanted for murder?
The headline read ‘Small medium at large”.
posted by Sheldon Siegel on 1-11-2008 at 12:36 pm
When I was a kid i used to ask my dad why he smoked…
he would nonchalantly say “Because I’m on fire”
I never got that until jr high…
When I bit my tongue he would ask “did it taste good?”
I now do that to my son, he doesn’t think its funny either.
posted by RodneyB on 1-11-2008 at 12:39 pm
A termite walks into a bar and says, “Is the bar tender here?”
Eh heh.
Eh heh.
Whee.
posted by Tyler on 1-11-2008 at 12:40 pm
Our town recently put up signs that said,”No Jake Brakes”.
I didn’t know about trucks and the jake braking and all……
but I always think, “Jake better stay outta town.”
posted by lizhot on 1-11-2008 at 12:43 pm
What did one tree say to the other?
“Leaf Me Alone!!!!”
And these….
“It’s no Gouda” and
“I’m feta up with you”
Both being said in cheesy (yeah…) Italian accents.
posted by Summer on 1-11-2008 at 12:45 pm
On REM’s “Fables of the Reconstruction” tour, they had an “End Construction” sign on stage which they’d modified to say “End ReConstruction,” which some southerners take as a statement about the nebulous end (actually the lack thereof) to the Reconstruction period in US History.
Now that I think of it, I guess this isn’t a pun. Oh well, I always liked it anyway.
posted by Higgins on 1-11-2008 at 12:45 pm
An armless hunchback is looking for work in town and applies for a job as the church bell ringer. The priest asks him how he can do the job with no arms. Without a word, the hunchback leads the priest up to the bell tower, runs at the bells and slams his face into them. They ring loud and clear and the priest hires him on the spot. All is going well for a few days when tragedy strikes. The hunchback misses his footing and plunges off the tower to his doom.
Several locals gather around him and one asks if anyone knows who it is. One man replies, “I don’t know his name, but his face rings a bell”.
And to continue:
As luck would have it, the hunchbacks twin brother arrives in town, and, upon hearing of his brother’s death, applies for the same job. Alas, he had no coordination and on his first try, he also missed the mark and plunged to his death. More townsfolk gather around and again, the question is asked, Who was he?”. The reply from one of the locals was “I don’t know, but he’s a dead ringer for that other guy.”.
:-)
posted by Sheldon Siegel on 1-11-2008 at 12:51 pm
What this thread needs is a joke strap.
posted by Sheldon Siegel on 1-11-2008 at 12:53 pm
I don’t get the one about focus being where the sun’s rays meet. Can someone explain it to me? I love the Gandhi one though! Hilarious =)
posted by CK on 1-11-2008 at 12:55 pm
In high school my physics teacher told me I was a role model because of my excellent physics homework and studiousness. And since I am handicapped and use a wheelchair …”roll” model… hilarious. He didn’t get it at first.
posted by Ann on 1-11-2008 at 12:57 pm
I don’t have a pun, but I do believe that that photo of yours is from a pillar outside a liquor store on the High Street in Oxford, UK. Last year I walked past that sign every day, and giggled very quietly to myself.
posted by Maggie on 1-11-2008 at 1:05 pm
From the great Groucho Marx
What do you get when you cross and elephant and a rhino?
Elephino!!
(hell if I know)
posted by jenny on 1-11-2008 at 1:07 pm
The focus of light is, literally, “a point toward which light rays are made to converge” (Wikipedia) so, where the sun’s rays meet, thinking of a magnifying glass focusing the sun onto one spot, is a Focus. The ranch is where the father’s sons raise meat…
Maybe it’s only funny to me :(
posted by BrianD on 1-11-2008 at 1:08 pm
#50: The sons raise meat. It took me a while to figure that one out, too, because I thought the joke had something to do with the word “focus.”
posted by srah on 1-11-2008 at 1:09 pm
CK: I thought about it for a while and decided that it maybe was supposed to be “where Ray’s sons meet…” But then realized that didn’t make any sense either. In short, I don’t know.
My pun (oldie but goodie):
3 moles are wandering around under ground. The first smells something, pokes his nose up from a hole in the ground, and says, “Do you smell that? It’s the greatest thing I’ve ever smelled!”
The second mole sticks his head up…”Yeah! It’s like…sunshine and roses and happiness!”
The third mole struggles to get up to the surface, but is stuck between the two others. Grumpily, he snipes, “All I smell is molasses.”
posted by Jen on 1-11-2008 at 1:13 pm
CK, I didn’t get it at first either. My husband had to explain it to me:
It’s where the sons raise meat.
posted by Joanna on 1-11-2008 at 1:14 pm
This is more unfortunate than anything:
My dad signed us all up for email addresses at one point that ended with “@home.com”. My dad, being the comedian that he is made my screen name “idump” so that my email address read “idump@home.com”. Yeah, it was a lot of fun being a freshman in highschool with THAT email address.
posted by Pearl on 1-11-2008 at 1:16 pm
True story - My mom and I had just boarded our flight and a woman comes down the aisle and loads her items into the overhead cabin. She had a tote bag from our local bookstore. I said to my mom:
Me: I have the same tote bag, I use it to carry my gym clothes
Mom: I have it too, I use it to carry my books!
Me: What a novel idea!
We laughed soooo hard about that and still do!
posted by Jill on 1-11-2008 at 1:17 pm
The groundskeeper of the cemetary Beethoven was buried in was walking through the graveyard and heard an odd noise coming from the man’s grave. The scared witless groundskeeper ran to get the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. The magistrate was equally confused and called the local university. Soon enough, the area was surrounded by scholars.
They all listened before one of them shouted “That’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards!”
He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.” So the scholars kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…”
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the groundskeeper; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”
posted by jenny on 1-11-2008 at 1:20 pm
I read ten of these puns, in hopes they would make me laugh, but no pun in ten did.
posted by Klatuu on 1-11-2008 at 1:24 pm
OHH I get it know, thanks for clarifying everyone. I was confused too because I kept concentrating on the word “focus.” Makes more sense now =).
posted by CK on 1-11-2008 at 1:25 pm
For Katie,
A man walks into a bar. “Ding.”
Smiles!
posted by Tina on 1-11-2008 at 1:31 pm
okay, music pun first:
q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
a: a flat miner (think key signature)
q: what do you get if the miner moves?
a: a sharp miner.
And my ultimate favorite:
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
nacho cheese.
(love the pun post! AWESOME!)
oh, one last music pun (i am a music teacher after all…)
When you are Baroque, you have no Monet.
gotta love it!
posted by Ashley on 1-11-2008 at 1:33 pm
My father always enjoys the opportunity to tell a long-winded story which ends in a terrible pun - a trait which I’ve inherited. A favorite (shorter than I usually tell it):
There is a tribe of savanna-dwellers who live in huts made of the tall grasses that are commonly found in their area. Legend tells of an ancient war-mongering king who led his troops to neighboring villages and conquered them all, each time literally taking the seat of power from the conquered king. He would bring the thrones home to his palace, and eventually he had so many of them that he had to begin storing them in the second level of the home. Naturally, being made of grass, his home couldn’t bear the weight of the ornamented chairs, and it soon collapsed, killing the king and his loyal followers. The moral of the story: People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.
posted by Deuce on 1-11-2008 at 1:34 pm
#46: Since you’re new here, I’m gonna cut you a break… today. So, why don’t you make like a tree and get out of here?
posted by biff_tannen on 1-11-2008 at 1:35 pm
Driving through Hastings, England (as in Battle of …) a few years ago. On the side of a truck: William the Concreter.
During the same trip, I bought socks with a map of the London subway on them. They’re tube socks.
posted by Jaclyn on 1-11-2008 at 1:40 pm
Adopt A. owns like every highway in America.
posted by artlthr on 1-11-2008 at 1:42 pm
Here are several that make me laugh. They appeared in my hometown newspaper a few years ago:
TWO fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
TWO hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”
A WOMAN has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is called Amahl. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amahl. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amahl.”
THERE’S a monastery that’s in financial trouble and in order to increase revenue it decides to go into the fish and chips business. One night, a customer raps on the door and a monk answers. The customer says, “Are you the fish friar?”
“No,” the robed figure replies, “I’m the chip monk.”
TWO weevils started life together. One was an immediate success; the other was a complete failure. Naturally, it became the lesser of two weevils.
Bob and Betty Hill were vacationing in Transylvania. Driving in a storm, they had a wreck. Both were badly hurt, especially Betty. So Bob, limping, carried her to a nearby farmhouse. A hunched man, Igor, answered the door and called to his master, a scientist. The Hills were taken to the lab where they were placed on tables. Despite the scientist’s best efforts, both died. Disconsolate, the scientist went upstairs to play his piano. Igor, cleaning the lab, noticed that Bob and Betty were moving. They stood and began to dance. He ran upstairs, “Master, master,” he exclaimed. “The Hills are alive with the sound of music.”
posted by MW on 1-11-2008 at 2:15 pm
There was a famous monk who wandered about from village to village. He traveled only on his two bare feet, so they were rough and thick-soled. Due to his asceticism rarely ate, so he was often weak. Not having any possessions, including a toothbrush, he never brushed his teeth and suffered from terrible breath. Everywhere he went, he was known as the super-calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.
posted by Paige on 1-11-2008 at 2:22 pm
I work at the post office and there is a sign on the wall giving instructions for what to do if there’s a fire. They go something like this:
1. Call 911. Report fire at this address
2. Evacuate yourself
I know it’s supposed to mean “evacuate the building” but every time I see it I laugh so hard I nearly evacuate myself.
posted by Michael on 1-11-2008 at 2:25 pm
darn! I was late… I missed the earlier post.
posted by Paige on 1-11-2008 at 2:27 pm
A famous Hollywood actress is filming in the the African savanna when she hears of a bar where the wild animals drink at. Always the socialite, she decides to find this bar–with a little luck she stumbles upon it, and it’s just like she heard. Lions, tigers, cheetahs, gorillas, gazelles, elephants–name an African animal and its there kicking back a scotch and soda or a cold brew.
The actress strolls up to the bar and orders a gin and tonic, attracting quite a lot of attention. Two lions who are pretty well toasted stare at her from a corner.
“Look at her,” one of them slurs. “Who the hell does she think she is, walking into the animal bear like she owns the place? You know, I could just pounce on her right there and nobody would say nothing.”
“Then why don’t you?” the second lion retorts.
“I think I will,” the first says, and stumbling a bit, jumps up and messily devours the actress right in front of the whole bar. When he’s done, he orders another drink and sits back down in the corner and the bar continues with business as usual.
A few minutes later the lion begins groan. “Ugh–I feel so tired all of sudden.”
The second shoots back, “Must have been that barbiturate.”
(bar bitch you ate)
posted by Gavin on 1-11-2008 at 2:27 pm
two antennas get married, the wedding was terrible but the reception was great
sooo bad
posted by Lindsey U on 1-11-2008 at 2:28 pm
I had a math teacher in high school who use to tell this to students that were causing trouble:
“You are an outstanding student” long pause “out standing in the hall!” And they would have to wait in the hall untill he could counsel them. It always made me laugh.
posted by Scott on 1-11-2008 at 2:33 pm
There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
Now matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
posted by RodneyB on 1-11-2008 at 2:48 pm
#68: Maybe I could make like a drum and beat it.
Or maybe I could stop quoting horrible puns.
posted by Tyler on 1-11-2008 at 2:57 pm
My Dad used to love these things, and he got me hooked on them. This was the very first one he ever told me, and is my favorite (although younger people may not get it):
One day for his birthday, Dale Evans bought Roy Rogers a brand new pair of cowboy boots. And Roy LOVED those shoes! He immediately put them on and wore them on his daily trip through the range.
When he got home, he put them on the front porch because they had mud all over them. Overnight, a mountain lion stole down from the mountains and chewed Roy’s new shoes to bits!
Furious, he rode up into the mountains the next day and killed and skinned the mountain lion.
As he returned, dragging what was left of the carcass behind his horse, Dale Evans happened to notice, and said:
“Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?”
posted by Suzeo on 1-11-2008 at 3:06 pm
Two vultures are purchasing tickets for a flight. The ticket seller asks them if they want to check their bags.
“No thanks”,replies one of the vultures,”they’re carrion.”
posted by kebeco on 1-11-2008 at 3:19 pm
A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but saran wrap for underwear.
The psychiatrists looks at him and says “I can clearly see you’re nuts”!
posted by Kevin on 1-11-2008 at 3:19 pm
I had a teacher in high school who loved to pop his head into classrooms and fire off puns before running off again. My favorite:
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it!
posted by SarahW on 1-11-2008 at 3:22 pm
LOVE THIS POST! I’m surprised no one has posted these yet (sorry there are a lot) but these “Confucius Says” jokes are hilarious!
…crowded elevator always smell different to midget.
…dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs.
…don’t drink and park - accidents cause people.
…state of pregnancy exist when woman takes seriously something poked in fun.
…baseball all wrong — man with four balls cannot walk.
…house without toilet is uncanny.
…man trapped in brothel get jerked around.
…panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
…man who cut self while shaving, lose face.
…man who eats photo of dad, soon spitting-image of father.
…man who take sleeping pill and laxative on the same night will wake up in deep sh*t.
…man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in his own hands.
…wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
…man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
…man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
…man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding bag.
…man who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser.
…man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
…man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.
…woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy.
and my FAVORITE:
…man who walk through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok!!!
posted by Kelly J on 1-11-2008 at 3:26 pm
A scientist discovered a way to make porpoises live forever by feeding them a certain type of seagull.
One day he ran out of seagulls and left to get some more.
When he got back there was a lion sleeping on his porch. He had animals all over the place and thought nothing of it. He stepped over the lion and went in.
The police showed up later and told him he was under arrest.
“What for?” asked the scientist.
The policeman replied, “Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises”
posted by Steve on 1-11-2008 at 3:33 pm
Between my Dad and my best friends husband there is no shortage of horrible puns around.
From Dad:
A panda walked into a bar and grill and ordered a sandwich. He ate the sandwich, took out a gun, shot out all the mirrors in the place and started to walk out. The owner stopped him on the way out the door, “You can’t do that! You have to pay for the repairs!” The panda thows a dictonary at him and says “I’m a panda, it’s what I do. Look it up.” The owner looks at the definition of panda which reads “Large asian mammal. Eats shoots and leaves.”
From Mike:
A monk traveled as a missionary to an unreached island and established a monastary there among it’s people, taking the position of Abbot. Over time, he observed an odd cultural phenomenon. Also living on the island were a race of small pygmies called “Drids.” Whenever the people of the island found a drid, they would kick them around like a soccer ball. The horrified abbot confronted one of his followers about this behavior and was told, “Silly Abbot! Kicks are for drids!”
posted by Ashley on 1-11-2008 at 3:48 pm
Trespassers Will Be Prostituted !!
posted by Indian on 1-11-2008 at 3:52 pm
OK, this headline was in the NY Post recently:
“Ike Beats Tina to Death”
posted by TomH on 1-11-2008 at 3:54 pm
This one works out loud, but not in print. My husband heard it in his college biochemistry class.
Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Don’t pay her.
posted by akimbo on 1-11-2008 at 4:19 pm
Ad in the paper:
FOR SALE-1973 Hammerfore. Call——-
So I called and asked, “Whats a Hammerfore?”
The reply? “For putting in nails”
posted by Cuzzy Fuz on 1-11-2008 at 4:42 pm
I can’t believe this hasn’t been mentioned!
Oh, I’m so excited…
Three explorers want to cross the desert and go to the camel dealer. Along with camels, the dealer dispenses some sage advice: “if you hear a loud squawking that sounds like “foo foo foo” and you see a large bird flying overhead take cover, for if it makes a crap on you you must not wash it off or you will die.” The men nod and chuckle amongst themselves at the simple superstitious camel dealer and begin their journey. Shortly thereafter the men here a large squawking that sounds like “foo foo foo” ringing overhead. The men shade their eyes and turn their heads to look up toward the sky and immediately one of them is soaked with a huge bird dropping. “Oh, nasty!” he exclaims, takes out his canteen and begins washing the filth off his face… and immediately drops dead. The remaining men leave him there and continue on, and the next time they hear the “foo foo foo” they immediately start running for cover but before they can make it an entire flock of birds unloads all over the both of them. They are covered with foul slime but determined not to go out like their friend. After a few hours, when the baked on crap became too much to bear one of the men decided “to hell with this” and pulled out his canteen. As he washed his face he suddenly hiccuped and fell over, dead. The third man went without washing and made it through the desert, filthy but alive.
And the moral is?
If the foo shits, wear it.
posted by Boo on 1-11-2008 at 4:51 pm
Long ago on TV I saw a championship tennis match: Pat Cash vs. Ivan Lendl. A spectator was holding a sign saying “Cash is better than a Czech”.
posted by Jenn on 1-11-2008 at 5:08 pm
The following were said by friends of mine:
- Democratic Friend: Elephant’s deficate more than donkeys.
- Republican Friend: Well my elephants can kick your ass!
“Turducken! Eww! That sounds so foul!”
posted by Erika on 1-11-2008 at 5:23 pm
So, this baby harp seal walks into a club….
posted by kehrsam on 1-11-2008 at 5:43 pm
Eggs Benedict should be served on a hubcap. Everyone knows: There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
posted by Dan Henderson on 1-11-2008 at 6:04 pm
Two lions walk into a bar and sit down for a drink. They’re enjoying themselves for a while when a woman walks up to them and starts insulting them and being generally obnoxious, so one of the lions eats her. After a while, the same lion burps and says “Boy, my stomach is really giving me trouble!”. And the second lion says “Maybe it was the barbituate.” (get it? Bar-b***h-you-ate?)
My Gradpa tells this one all the time. Now I feel old.
posted by heather on 1-11-2008 at 6:23 pm
Sorry for the double post, but this one’s a favorite of mine:
The Buddha goes up to a hot dog vendor in the park and orders a dog. The vendor asks him what he wants on it and the Buddha replies “Make me one with everything.”
Thank you! Thank you! I’m here till Thursday!
posted by heather on 1-11-2008 at 6:25 pm
One DNA said to another DNA, “Do these genes make me look fat?
posted by haselwoman on 1-11-2008 at 6:30 pm
For Kelly J:
. . . man who pass gas in church sits in own pew
posted by gmsc on 1-11-2008 at 6:36 pm
During an outdoor concert, the orchestra featured several songs in a row that didn’t make use of the bass players. The bass players finally decided to sneak out to the bar next door to get a few drinks.
To make things worse, a strong wind began blowing in the middle of Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony. The sheet music went everywhere.
The conductor had to stop the concert, apologize to the audience, and help the musicians get their sheet music attached to the stands with rubber bands. It was at this point that he first realized the bass players were missing. Fortunately, he knew them well enough to look in the bar next door first.
He finally got them back and seated. The conductor said, “I apologize for the delay, and thank you for your patience. The baseball fans out there should enjoy this, as it’s the last half of the Ninth, the scores are tied and the basses are loaded.”
posted by gmsc on 1-11-2008 at 6:52 pm
True: I asked a therapy group “what is a metaphor?” Answer: We don’t know, what’s the metaphor (matter for) you?
Let’s make like a hockey player and get the puck out of here.
Why did the blond nurse carry a red pen? In case she had to draw blood.
Celine Dion (or Tori Spelling) walks into a bar and the bartender says “Hey, why the long face?”
posted by womannequin on 1-11-2008 at 7:22 pm
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese.
posted by sara on 1-11-2008 at 7:22 pm
Err, Heather, see numbers 15 and 75. So a double double.
Maybe it was the beer that made Mel Famey walk us?
posted by fixedgear on 1-11-2008 at 7:27 pm
What’s a methaphor? It’s a place for cows to stand.
posted by fixedgear on 1-11-2008 at 7:28 pm
A man with a wooden eye walks into a bar and scans the crowd. He spots a woman who is pretty hot, with the exception of her harelip.
He works up his courage and walks over to her. He asks “would you like to dance?” She says “would I!” He looks at her and says “harelip!”
posted by fixedgear on 1-11-2008 at 7:43 pm
not sure if this qualifies as a pun but…..
a baby seal walks into a club.
posted by john on 1-11-2008 at 7:52 pm
You people must really hate baby seals — three different people have posted that joke already!
posted by Ransom on 1-11-2008 at 7:58 pm
I made this one up the other day (apologies to anyone who made it up first!):
What do you get if you play the lute for 10 hours at a time?
Minstrel cramps.
posted by Denise on 1-11-2008 at 8:12 pm
On our past Science Olympiad t-shirts:
If you’re not part of the solution, then you’re part of the precipitate.
posted by Gyrosyzygy on 1-11-2008 at 8:35 pm
Okay, kinda nerdy but… that’s what we’re all here for:
Two atoms are hanging out. One says to the other, “Hey, I think I lost an electron.” The other says “are you sure?”
And the first one replies “yeah, I’m positive!”
posted by Nora on 1-11-2008 at 8:38 pm
My boss from England…
“So I’ve waited all this time and then, as if to make things easier, the woman says to me, ‘Now, if you’ll just bear with me…’
Well, my response to that was that, of course, was ‘No!’ Bear with her…I hardly knew the woman!”
Perhaps this doesn’t come across without the advantages of inflection. Think of having children. It gets really funny.
posted by John on 1-11-2008 at 9:23 pm
A friend of mine was talking about going to Ruby Falls in Chattanooga where they have a cavern with a bunch of yard gnomes. He said we should take our own gnomes in and leave them. I told him, “I can’t. My mother always taught me to never be a gnome dropper.”
posted by Mr Wabbit on 1-11-2008 at 9:29 pm
There is a local gay bar downtown that has a sign posted in front that reads: “Parking In The Rear”.
posted by Kelly on 1-11-2008 at 9:39 pm
How to catch a polar bear:
Go up north where it is very cold, and cut a hole in the ice. Then line the hole with green peas and hide behind a nearby snow bank. When a polar bear comes to take a pea kick him in the ice hole.
posted by Rob on 1-11-2008 at 10:24 pm
My dad always had one to cheer me up when I had a bad day…
You’re a wigwam, you’re a tepee. You’re too tense.
Made me smile every time.
posted by Tricia on 1-11-2008 at 10:28 pm
Back where I grew up there was a road named Bean Road. Every time I passed the sign I couldn’t help but wonder…I don’t care what it’s bean, what is it now? always cracked myself up. That is almost my favorite pun, but not quite.
My favorite was an accidental pun that my wife and I shared back when we were dating…
We were driving through a town and saw an elderly woman carrying a full sack to her garbage cans. I forget now what prvoked me to comment to the contrary of her being a nice little old lady with, “Yeah, I bet it’s a sack of kittens.” but further on I commented, surprisingly, on my lack of obscenity in saying it was kittens and not cocks (as in penis).
Thinking about it I shiverd slightly and mused, “A sack of cocks. Man, that would give you the willies.”
After it dawned on us what I’d said, we almost had to pull over for laughing so hard tears streaming down our faces, gasping for air and on the verge of peeing ourselves.
posted by jonathan n. thomas on 1-11-2008 at 10:30 pm
Don’t kiss your honey when your nose is kinda runny. You may think it’s funny, but it’snot.
posted by Nina on 1-11-2008 at 11:06 pm
that sounds like it might hurt!
posted by aaron on 1-11-2008 at 11:10 pm
Another Confucius Says:
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
posted by Manda on 1-11-2008 at 11:45 pm
#69: Is that a reference to The Boondock Saints?
#109: That is also a Natalie Dee picture/joke.
posted by unmiss/take\able on 1-12-2008 at 12:01 am
A man walks into a bar.
gingerly touches his forehead and says
“Damm that really hurt”
posted by dr Howard on 1-12-2008 at 12:48 am
How come cannibals don’t eat clowns”
Because they taste funny
posted by dr Howard on 1-12-2008 at 12:57 am
You gotta love the puns!
Since all of you gave me a few laughs here with all the puns, I thought I would return the favor.. Hopefully it wasn’t one I missed in the long list above lol, but anyways,
Two fish are in a tank… One says to the other “You drive, I’ll man the guns!”
And it seems to me I have heard one similar to this… But if not, it still works as a pun :)
I once had a friend who worked as a gunner in a canning factory. He shelled peas!
posted by goldbaron357 on 1-12-2008 at 2:33 am
Oh, sorry, did that say favorite pun? The termite one isn’t my favorite.
I’ve always wondered if anyone wrote like a whole book just to lead up to a horrible pun for a punchline. Looking at some of these posts, maybe someone has…
posted by Tyler on 1-12-2008 at 7:32 am
This one’s older than Bill Stickers.
The pun of ass meaning bottom and/or donkey goes back at least to Shakespeare’s time, as he used it in A Midsummer Night’s Dream.
For those who don’t know, a man named
Bottom has his head turned into a donkey’s head by magic, with the ass puns you’d expect from that.
posted by little gator on 1-12-2008 at 9:55 am
Two melons were becoming frustrated while planning the details of their weeding. Soon it was suggested that they go to Los Vegas and marry in secret. Mr. Melon said to his soon to bed wife, “I’m sorry dear, but we cantaloupe.”
I first heard a version of this pun from my eldest daughter. She is a lot of fun telling “corny” jokes in the produce department.
posted by haselwoman on 1-12-2008 at 10:50 am
My current favorites:
Did you hear about the cowboy who got a dachshund? He kept hearing “Get a long, little doggie!”
and the girl who broke up with her implement-dealer boyfriend?
She wrote him a John Deere letter.
posted by Heidi on 1-12-2008 at 11:35 am
A newspaper held a pun writing contest. A man submitted ten puns into the contest in the hopes that one would win. No pun in ten did.
posted by K.C. on 1-12-2008 at 1:12 pm
When it’s 2:30, it’s time to go to the dentist.
posted by Moon on 1-12-2008 at 7:51 pm
The State Joke of Wisconsin:
Come to Wisconsin and smell our dairy air.
posted by Moon on 1-12-2008 at 8:31 pm
First of all people should really check before they post something FOR THE THIRD TIME!
And here are two of my favorites…
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef! (Ha ha ha)
And..
Two cannibals are eating a guy. One starts at the head, the other at the feet. The one at the head says to the other. “How are you doing?”.
The other says, “I’m having a ball!”
The first one says “Slow down you’re eating too fast!”.
Also I loved the one about the Psychiatrist and the Saran Wrap!
posted by Sandy C on 1-12-2008 at 10:14 pm
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
“No eye-deer”
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
“Still no eye-deer”
posted by Moon on 1-12-2008 at 10:43 pm
You can lead a horticulture but you can’t make her think
posted by kitty on 1-12-2008 at 10:57 pm
tess tossed er own salad (testosterone salad)
pay leon to lodge his dick in the dirt?
(paleontologist, dig in the dirt.)
these are both mine.
posted by ruben villarreal on 1-12-2008 at 11:15 pm
Hey baldy! Why the long face?
a man with a fake eye goes to a bar and asks a woman with a fake leg to if she wants to dance — she says ‘would I!!” and he responds huffily “Peg Leg!”
posted by Sally on 1-13-2008 at 3:27 am
What do frogs say?
“Time’s fun when you are having flies”
posted by Jacques on 1-13-2008 at 9:40 am
i dated a guy a while back who had tatooed a rooster with a noose around it’s neck , right below his left knee. the reason? so he could say “my cock hangs below my knee.” needless to say, we only dated for a couple months.
i’m surprised nobody has even mentioned this one: “denial isn’t just a river in egypt!”
A frog walks into a bank with intentions of borrowing some money, and is helped by the teller, named Paddy-Whack. The frog, only having a 3″ figurine as collateral, asks for a loan. The teller has never had the offer of a tiny statue as collateral before, nor has he ever seen anything like what the frog has to offer, so he goes to his boss. He tells his boss the situation, concluding the story with “and I don’t even know what that thing is” (referring to the figurine). The boss says “It’s a knick-knack, Paddy-Whack, give the frog a loan!”
aahhh haha.. life is punny.
posted by holly on 1-13-2008 at 9:43 am
Two cannibals at dinner:
#1: “I don’t like my mother in law.”
#2: “Then just eat your vegetables.”
posted by Jacques on 1-13-2008 at 10:01 am
Some clever signs:
On an electricians truck: let us remove your shorts
Outside a radiator repair shop: best place in town to take a leak
In a non smoking area: if we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action
On maternity Room door: push push push
At an optometrists office: If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place
At a car dealer: the best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment
Outside a muffler shop: no appointment necessary, we’ll hear you coming
Outside a hotel: Help, we need inn-experienced people
At an auto body shop: May we have the next dents?
In a veterinarians waiting room: be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
On a music teachers door: Out Chopin
At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. Howerver if you don’t, you will be
On the side of a garbage truck: we’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got
On the door of a computer store: Out for a quick byte
In a restaurant window: don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up!
posted by Jacques on 1-13-2008 at 10:12 am
CHINESE PROVERBS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.
posted by Jacques on 1-13-2008 at 10:26 am
There is a bar (in Montana, IIRC) that has a card room in the back.
The sign on the outside says:
Liquor in the front,
Poker in the rear.
posted by Moon on 1-13-2008 at 11:09 am
neatorama sent me to this site of “shaggy dogs”: “A modern shaggy dog is one that tells an entertaining tale in its own right, and which ends in a ripping pun as the punchline.”
sometimes, i feel sorry for the people i live with mwahahaha
posted by kitty again on 1-13-2008 at 11:27 am
Here’s a bilingual one: Why do the French eat only one egg for breakfast? Because for the French, one egg is un oeuf.
posted by K.C on 1-13-2008 at 4:39 pm
I’ve been reading these posts to my husband and his smart ass reply is :
two eggs are walking down the street arguing with each other. another egg walks up and asked: “What’s wrong with your friend?” The other replies; “Oh, he’s just bein’ a dick” (benedict…. groan!!!)
posted by Krismissy on 1-13-2008 at 5:29 pm
Over dinner one night in Naples Italy, I was explaining that I was a vegetarian. The woman across the table explained that she had a lot of lesbian friends in college, and that “they didn’t eat meat either”…
Honest to “Personal Deity of Choice”.
posted by Jay on 1-14-2008 at 4:20 am
Interesting to read some Haydn and Mozart puns here.
Personally I love Bach, and am addicted to the Chaconne from the D-minor partita for solo violin. I especially like vibrant romantic performances such as that of Hilary Hahn. I understand of course that others may prefer more historically correct performances, played on reconstructed instruments, with gut strings and a distinct lack of vibrato. Personally I find such performances lacking in character, but I would never deny anyone’s right to enjoy this magnificent music in whatever style speaks most directly to them. After all, chaconne a son gout.
posted by csrster on 1-14-2008 at 6:17 am
This one’s kinda hard to set up, but I think it’s worth it.
There was once a scientist that had discovered a serum that would grant eternal life to dolphins. The key ingredient was a tail feather from a myna bird, but he had used up his stock on the latest test batch.
The only place in town he could get another bird was the zoo, so that night he struck out. The best way to get to the myna bird cages was through the lion cage, so he brought along his tranquilizer gun. On his way through the lion cage, he had to tranquilize one of the large cats, which fell asleep right on the path behind him. After he grabbed his ill-gotten bird, he went back the same way. As he was stepping over the sleeping lion, a security guard popped out and slapped the cuffs on him.
He was arrested for transporting a mynah over a stayed lion for immortal porpoises (transporting a minor over a state line for immoral purposes).
posted by Tim F. on 1-14-2008 at 9:30 am
My dad, the chemistry professor, always told me this one:
The copper caught the silicon because he heard him laughing.
I guess it’s only funny to chemistry geeks.
posted by Tim F. on 1-14-2008 at 10:42 am
Did y’all hear about the tribe that was recently discovered in India? There are only 500 of them. Always. When a baby is born, the oldest person in the tribe dies, so there are always only 500. The other odd thing is that none of them have nipples. Know what they’re called?
The Indian Nipple-less Five Hundred.
I kill myself.
posted by Anthony on 1-14-2008 at 12:05 pm
“I see,” said the blind man, as he picked up the hammer and saw.
My dad used to get me with this one when I was a kid:
“My legs hurt.”
“That’s too bad… How is your face?”
“It doesn’t hurt.”
“Well, its killing me.”
har har.
posted by Heather on 1-16-2008 at 10:02 am
My cousins always tell no-arms-no-legs jokes. For example:
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the middle of a lake?
Bob
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?
Art
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting on your front porch?
Matt
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russell
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pot of boiling water?
Stu
They have about a million of them. Then there’s my sister’s favorite joke of all time:
Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they’d be bay gulls.
posted by Janel on 1-18-2008 at 11:42 am
A burglar fleeing The Louvre Museum in a van with the police in hot pursuit, suddenly stops and gets arrested.
The police asked him why he stopped.
Here’s what he had to say.
Brace yourselves!!!
“I did not have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Goh
posted by Laly on 1-20-2008 at 7:24 pm
One of my favorites - best when used to set someone up for a joke.
It goes like this:
Person 1: Did you hear? A famous Hollywood actress was having lunch with her agent in a swanky restaurant today, got into an argument, and she stabbed him right in his forehead with her fork!
Person 2: Who was it?
Person 1: A very famous actress, I can’t think of her name right now, Reese something, she’s a big star, Reese…Reese…?
Person 2: Witherspoon?
Person 1: NO, With her fork!!!!
ahahahahahah
ty, ty, ty, you’re far too kind.
posted by Shane on 1-24-2008 at 3:37 pm
Two puns about glass eyes:
A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.
Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in midair.
“Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry,” the woman said as she popped her eye back in the socket. “Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.”
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink.
They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night.
The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.
The guy was amazed. “You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No, she replied…. You just happened to catch my eye!”
AND…..
A man with a glass eye was very ashamed of his disability. He kept this secret very well hidden until it came out over dinner one night.
…..and I’m done.
posted by Shane on 1-24-2008 at 4:51 pm
A woman lit a cigarette while pumping gas. The fumes ignited and her sleeve burst into flames. The authorities were called and she was subsequently arrested for…..wait for it….. possession of an illegal firearm.
posted by Shane on 1-24-2008 at 4:56 pm
Or the Pirate who walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his pants. Bartender asks him about it and he says, “Yar it’s drivin’ me nuts”.
ok I’ll stop.
posted by Shane on 1-24-2008 at 4:59 pm