ok I’ll stop.

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in midair.

“Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry,” the woman said as she popped her eye back in the socket. “Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.”

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink.

They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night.

The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.

The guy was amazed. “You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No, she replied…. You just happened to catch my eye!”

AND…..

A man with a glass eye was very ashamed of his disability. He kept this secret very well hidden until it came out over dinner one night.

…..and I’m done.

It goes like this:

Person 1: Did you hear? A famous Hollywood actress was having lunch with her agent in a swanky restaurant today, got into an argument, and she stabbed him right in his forehead with her fork!

Person 2: Who was it?

Person 1: A very famous actress, I can’t think of her name right now, Reese something, she’s a big star, Reese…Reese…?

Person 2: Witherspoon?

Person 1: NO, With her fork!!!!

ahahahahahah
ty, ty, ty, you’re far too kind.

The police asked him why he stopped.

Here’s what he had to say.

Brace yourselves!!!

“I did not have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Goh

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the middle of a lake?
Bob

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?
Art

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting on your front porch?
Matt

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russell

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pot of boiling water?
Stu

They have about a million of them. Then there’s my sister’s favorite joke of all time:

Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they’d be bay gulls.

My dad used to get me with this one when I was a kid:

“My legs hurt.”
“That’s too bad… How is your face?”
“It doesn’t hurt.”
“Well, its killing me.”

har har.

The Indian Nipple-less Five Hundred.

I kill myself.

The copper caught the silicon because he heard him laughing.

I guess it’s only funny to chemistry geeks.

There was once a scientist that had discovered a serum that would grant eternal life to dolphins. The key ingredient was a tail feather from a myna bird, but he had used up his stock on the latest test batch.

The only place in town he could get another bird was the zoo, so that night he struck out. The best way to get to the myna bird cages was through the lion cage, so he brought along his tranquilizer gun. On his way through the lion cage, he had to tranquilize one of the large cats, which fell asleep right on the path behind him. After he grabbed his ill-gotten bird, he went back the same way. As he was stepping over the sleeping lion, a security guard popped out and slapped the cuffs on him.

He was arrested for transporting a mynah over a stayed lion for immortal porpoises (transporting a minor over a state line for immoral purposes).