“Well, huh, might as, might as well ask why is trees good? Why is sunsets good? Why is boobs good?”

– The White Trash Philosopher, Joseph Dirt

The attraction to Guitar Hero traces its roots all the way back to the 11th Century where Appalachian monks held weekly singing competitions round the camp fire. The battles were fierce, yet jovial. But what really was unique about these practices was that the monks were sworn to vows of silence. Indeed they merely moved their lips and tongues to imitate the act of singing, but did not utter any melodic tones.

From these humble beginnings, the competitive art of pretending to make music without actually making music slowly spread and evolved over the years. The 14th century Italian composer Francesco Landini, is revered by Stevie Wonder and a couple historians as the Godfather of Air-Composing. Blind at a young age due to his abnormally small pox, his father taught him the skill of flawing his arms around as if conducting an orchestra. As fate would have it, one day an orchestra just happened to cross in front of him and the rest is history. By the late 1700s, the French were consumed with toting their baguettes in a flute-like manner, and striking sharp notes with guillotines across the country. The Underground Railroad played a crucial role in its expansion as this new form of transportation helped quickly spread the cult-like ritual to fresh and foreign lands.

By the turn of the millennium mankind appeared perched for a new horizon in faux-musicianship. As a teenager, Leonardo da Vinci dreamed of an invention that would allow for a more objective way to score his ninja air-guitar battles against the other great young mutant minds of the Turtle Renaissance. But his plans were too advanced for the technology of his time. So humanity waited until the genius of Stephen Hawking was born to wheel across this earth. With the help of Tom Hanks he discovered da Vinci’s ancient sketches and set about founding the divine company of Harmonix, and ultimately conceiving Guitar Hero in a manger in a stable outside of a Red Roof Inn that was too full and not handicap-accessible. It came to absolve us of all our sins: impersonating false idols, using the air-guitar in vein, remembering and keeping holy the (Black) Sabbath, stealing riffs and chords, and coveting thy neighbor’s guitar.

1. I have good hand eye coordination (GH) and hand feet coordination (Dance Dance). I’ve learned a little bit of guitar, and a little bit of dance in my day, and I respond to the sort of “instruction” these games offer. If they could really teach me guitar or dance steps, it would be awesome. Not sure if that’s the case for others that play them, but it works for me.

2. Real guitar people get snobby about it. My dad is in a band, and I’ve never been good enough on guitar to do that. The first time we both played GH we did it together, and I killed him. So there’s an underdog aspect that’s appealing.

3. It’s interactive in an unconventional way. Pong was cool because you could move the bar on the screen. The N64 controller was cool for that little joy stick thing. Guitars, drums, microphones and dance pads just add to the interaction with the technology.

4. It’s relatively cheap in terms of money and time cost. Spend your $90 for the game and guitar and you’re good to go. No need to buy a guitar and an amp, learn how to tune it, recruit band members, practice, book a gig… you just goof off.