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I guess I’ve been a little obsessed with word puns here in the Wrap. We’ve covered punny names, punny store names, punny e-mail addresses, homophonic puns, Paging Doctor puns, and, of course, the hugely popular Tom Swifty puns.
mental_floss’s own Kara Kovalchik has a thing for puns, too, and after the success of our Tom Swifty contest, she suggested we run another punny contest, this time casting a wider net and opening it up to all and any word play.
So I present you with mental_floss’s Best Pun IN THE WORLD!! Competition.
Enter as often as you’d like, one entry per comment (n.b. we mean it!). We’ll narrow it down to 10 finalists and let you guys name the winners. Two runner-ups will receive bragging rights and one lucky pun-dit (or should that be, pun-wit?) will receive a tee from our store. So make sure you tell us what shirt you’re eyeing.
May the best pun win!
Two peanuts walk down the street, one was a salted. . .peanut.
posted by Kevin A on 3-14-2008 at 5:04 am
Kermit the frog went to his bank to get a loan. His banker, Patti Black, was busy helping him fill out forms. When it came time to offer collateral, the only thing Kermit has was a priceless elaborate gold egg. Unsure how to classify this, she went and talked to her boss who responded, “it’s a knick-knack Patti Black, give the frog a loan.”
posted by Kevin A on 3-14-2008 at 5:08 am
This one’s great because it actually happend.
My cousin and I are sitting on the couch, both barefoot. She looks at my toes, and then at hers and says, “We both have that same strange toe thing!” I said, “Yeah, ugly feet must RUN in our family!”
posted by Elphaba on 3-14-2008 at 6:05 am
I was talking with some hot twins, I asked “how did you guys like being womb mates?” they responded with a uterlateral, “vagatastic!”
posted by Adog on 3-14-2008 at 6:24 am
well i tried entering 10 different puns hoping they would win… unfortionatly no pun in ten did…
posted by Parry on 3-14-2008 at 6:47 am
The tabloid press in the UK is awfully fond of puns, and the erstwhile breakfast TV show here, “The Big Breakfast”, would feature a roundup of the best from that day’s papers. My favourite by a considerable way was the headline for a story about a man who threw his inheritance money from a London bridge into the River Thames because it just wasn’t enough: “Bad Heir Day”.
posted by Andrew Green on 3-14-2008 at 7:28 am
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
posted by palmer on 3-14-2008 at 7:29 am
I tried to have sex with an Eskimo, but I couldn’t find any that were innuit.
posted by Bob Mc on 3-14-2008 at 7:53 am
Two atoms are walking down the streen and they run into each other. One says to the other, “Are you all right?” “No, I lost an electron!”.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m positive!”
There was a new driver for the bus on Sesame Street. On his stops he picks up the following passengers:
Two overweight girls named Patty, a special needs student named Ross, and the school’s resident cheater Lester (known for picking his bunyons at inappropriate times).
The driver get to the school and is asked who he is dropping off. The driver replies, “I’ve got two obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester cheatin’, pickin’ bunions on a Sesame Street bus!”
posted by Codius on 3-14-2008 at 7:57 am
Have you seen the new Circus Movie?
It’s in tents.
posted by Ian on 3-14-2008 at 8:28 am
I used to work in a salt and pepper factory but I lost that job because it was seasonal.
posted by RJ on 3-14-2008 at 8:31 am
The special olympics recently announced that they will institute wheelchair boxing in an attempt to roll with the punches.
posted by Paco on 3-14-2008 at 8:33 am
What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?
Damn
posted by Cassie on 3-14-2008 at 9:01 am
The cross-eyed teacher had the hardest time controling his pupils.
posted by palmer on 3-14-2008 at 9:02 am
If a fish is an atheist, does it believe in cod?
posted by Big Pun on 3-14-2008 at 9:30 am
Why is a fire engine red?
Well One and One make Two
Two and Two make Four
Four times Three is Twelve
Twelve inches make a Ruler
A famous Ruler was Queen Elizabeth
The Queen Elizabeth sailed the ocean
Oceans are full of fish.
Fish have Fins
The Fins fought the Russians
Russians are Red.
And that is why Fire Engines are red.
They are always Rushin’ to the fire.
posted by Patrick B on 3-14-2008 at 9:44 am
A true one,
I live in Elberton, a town known for having more rock quarries that any place in the world. We don’t make a big deal about it tho, we take it for granite.
posted by Patrick B on 3-14-2008 at 9:47 am
I like to spoon in bed . . . especially after we fork.
posted by Michelle on 3-14-2008 at 9:56 am
My mom is sitting on the floor sorting socks. Being socks, there are always a few without mates. She turns to me and says “Caitie will you put those lost soles back in the hamper?”
True Story.
posted by Caitie on 3-14-2008 at 10:43 am
E^x walked into a function bar.
The bartender says, “Want to integrate?”
E^x replied, “What’s the point?”
posted by Billy on 3-14-2008 at 10:49 am
A baby seal walks into a club.
The end.
posted by Billy on 3-14-2008 at 10:51 am
Here’s one my dad loves to tell:
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead antelope. The flight attendant looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
posted by Brittany on 3-14-2008 at 11:15 am
Oh, easter island small please :D
posted by Brittany on 3-14-2008 at 11:16 am
A doctor walks into the waiting room and says ‘Thank you for your patients’
posted by palmer on 3-14-2008 at 11:34 am
Celine Dion walks into a bar, the bartender looks at her and says “Why the long face?”
posted by Brittany on 3-14-2008 at 11:46 am
Did you hear about the explosion at the sperm bank?
Two nurses were overcome.
posted by Lylythe on 3-14-2008 at 11:49 am
Ancient humans, venturing across the ice bridge to North America, got lost quite often. They found it very hard to keep their Bering Strait….
posted by ;im on 3-14-2008 at 12:03 pm
An argument overheard amoung numbers:
i - “Your not being rational…”
pi - “oh, get real!”
posted by Justin on 3-14-2008 at 12:58 pm
Q: What does a copy editor do when he’s not feeling well?
A: Calls in [sic].
(Extra-large men’s Pluto)
posted by buddz on 3-14-2008 at 1:54 pm
I tried to come up with a pun about famous German philosophers, but I Kant.
posted by Dan on 3-14-2008 at 1:56 pm
Physics teacher to a failing student:
“Honestly, I just don’t think you understand the gravity of your situation.”
[Fibonacci L]
posted by Justin on 3-14-2008 at 2:38 pm
Why did the vascular surgeon call off his last surgery? He just didn’t have the heart to do it.
[Fibonacci L]
posted by Justin on 3-14-2008 at 2:39 pm
Why did the miner quit his job?
He found it boring.
[Fibonacci M (M on the others as well)]
posted by Justin on 3-14-2008 at 2:43 pm
J: Did you hear they found a narcissistic male lion whose females had turned on him?
C: No, really?
J: Yeah. Course it was his pride that did him in…
[Fibonacci M]
posted by Justin on 3-14-2008 at 3:03 pm
Evangelicals believe that God will make you happy, but never gay.
posted by Krista on 3-14-2008 at 3:25 pm
Now that you’re gone all that’s left is a bandicoot.
(From the Mo(town)tivational Mammals poster series I’m working on.
posted by Money House Blessing on 3-14-2008 at 3:59 pm
I read over a couple of the comments. I had to stop. Couldn’t take the punishment.
posted by MikeonTV on 3-14-2008 at 4:17 pm
Do you know what the best part of a bad joke is? It really groans on you!
posted by MikeonTV on 3-14-2008 at 4:19 pm
I believe I made this one up. But as there’s “nothing new under the sun” I tender my apologies to anyone who made it up first.
What do you get after playing the lute for 10 hours straight?
Minstrel cramps.
posted by Denise on 3-14-2008 at 4:35 pm
(Oops. Shirt = Pluto L)
posted by Denise on 3-14-2008 at 4:39 pm
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?” The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”
(Pluto L)
posted by Denise on 3-14-2008 at 4:47 pm
I’ve been reading something very interesting — Stephen Hawking’s latest book about anti-gravity.
I just can’t put it down.
posted by buddz on 3-14-2008 at 5:41 pm
A Russian scientist and a scientist from the Czech Republic had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears. Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to the park.
They reported to the ranger station but the chief ranger told them that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented.
The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. Following the trails of a male and a female bear, they finally caught up with the female.
Fearing an international incident, they decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientist. They killed the female and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, “You know what this means, don’t you?”
The other ranger responded……
“Yes. The Czech’s in the male.”
(x-lge men’s Pluto)
posted by buddz on 3-14-2008 at 5:46 pm
“Did you see this story? Says here that a newspaper published a report about election fraud, and some goons from the ruling party went and attacked their offices.”
“What did they do?”
“Oh, toppled file cabinets, threw paper around, smashed monitors…”
“Any loss of life?”
“No, it looks like just a monitor-y loss.”
posted by AG on 3-14-2008 at 5:58 pm
I made a cheesy film about Gordon Lightfoot that turned into a kind of homage to the man. So we called it a fromage.
posted by Pete on 3-14-2008 at 9:34 pm
(idioms L. you never know.)
posted by Pete on 3-14-2008 at 9:39 pm
A few years ago, I was in Arizona on vacation with my family. We were making plans to visit the Tonto National Forest, and I remarked that I had read that the forest had suffered recent cutbacks in staff, adding, “There’s only a lone ranger.”
(L men’s Fibonacci)
posted by Kevin P. on 3-14-2008 at 9:44 pm
all of my insults are complimentary.
posted by dan on 3-14-2008 at 9:48 pm
I drove my daughter to school we drove through a familiar pungent odor. My daughter exclaimed, “Pheww! What’s that yucky stuff called that skunks spray and why?”
I told her, “Instinct”.
As we got nearer the source, she asked, “Ugh! But does any other animal smell that bad?”
I responded, “No, it’s distinct.”
We drove past the telltale clump of black and white fur and the oder gradually faded and she pondered, “Wow I’m glad that’s gone.”
You mean “Extinct”.
Pi T
posted by Greg VA on 3-14-2008 at 10:42 pm
Puns may be bad, but poety is verse.
(Scurvy L)
posted by Adam on 3-14-2008 at 11:16 pm
I don’t know if my entry went through the first time I posted, but here it comes again (it’s one I’ve previously submitted to Slate’s Aug ‘07 Bad Poetry Contest *and* - in ‘Opening Sentence’ mode for the Bulwer-Lytton Contest):
THE DEATH OF CLEOPATRA
When Cleopatra’s pet snake -
from her bosom did take -
its deadly bite,
the Queen of the Nile sat bolt upright
and with her final gasp,
cried “What a pain in the Asp!”
posted by Amy on 3-14-2008 at 11:58 pm
Oh, and should I FINALLY ‘win’ for this masterpiece(?) -
I’d love love love a Womans small Pavlov, long sleeved please!
posted by Amy on 3-15-2008 at 12:02 am
i had a friend laugh and another groan at this one
if youre leaving a room and plan on returning, you can always say
“I’ll be Bac(k) and you’ll be Mozart”
optimistically requesting a womens S Fibonacci
posted by Annie on 3-15-2008 at 12:12 am
So the prison in my hometown started up a literacy project for the inmates, focusing on the writing skills they’ll need after they get released.
The project was a bit slow at first, but as more and more inmates joined, they amassed a sizable collection of good pieces of writing.
The director of the project, who knew a good opportunity when he saw one, decided to collect the best pieces and turn them into a literary journal.
He titled it: “Prose & Cons”
posted by Andrew E on 3-15-2008 at 12:36 am
If Lassie were to have incredibly well-defined, muscular buttocks, would she be Colliepygian?
posted by Andrew E on 3-15-2008 at 12:52 am
I recently picked up a book of parenting advice for poker players:
“How to Know When to Hold ‘em and When to Scold ‘Em
posted by Andrew E on 3-15-2008 at 12:55 am
In Detroit, the public school system has a great relationship with the school system in Trondheim, Norway, and every year there are dozens of exchange students. It’s Norwegian tradition, though, for the parents to accompany their children on the flight to Detroit. The whole affair leaves the parents somewhat depressed (as they see their kiddoes for the last time for about 6 months), so a lot of the companies in Detroit have been sponsoring all kinds of festivities to cheer them up - Norwegians are known for their linguistic prowess, so there are at least 3 different celebrations that involve plays on words. One celebration happened to be a contest in which the winner gets a car.
When this was covered in the paper, the headline read as such: “Norwegian Blue Parents, Punning for the Fords”
posted by Andrew E on 3-15-2008 at 8:43 am
A dairy farmer was getting up in his years, and even though he had run the entire farm by himself since he started it, he decided that he needed a ranch-hand.
Not having sons, the dairy farmer put an ad in the paper.
The next morning, a young man, clearly hungry, who hadn’t shaved in a while, was standing outside the gate.
When the dairy farmer asked him his story, the young man said, “Sir, I’m a hard worker. I work harder’n anyone, and you’ll never find a better ranch-hand for your dairy farm. But I don’t have any muscles in my feet, and no one will hire me because of it. I wanted to tell you this right away so that you can tell me now if you won’t take me because of it.”
The dairy farmer was a bit surprised, but since the young man needed a meal and seemed like an honest fellow, he decided to put him to work for the day, in exchange for a hearty breakfast, an even heartier dinner, and a chance to earn a job.
And that ranchhand, he worked harder than anyone had ever worked before, and got all of his jobs done in half the time and twice as good as the dairy farmer had ever seen anyone do them before.
Perplexed, he asked the young man how no one else had given him a job.
“It’s simple,” said the young man. “Even though I’m a hard worker, these other dairy farmers are slack-toes intolerant”
posted by Andrew E on 3-15-2008 at 9:20 am
Riddle me this Batman. There are three men in a boat with four cigarettes and no way to light them, yet how do they manage to smoke?
They throw one cigarette overboard and make the boat a cigarette lighter.
Women’s Fibonacci - medium
posted by jennifer on 3-15-2008 at 1:20 pm
Would a thoughtful, contemplative dinosaur with an interest in the metaphysics and a wicked set of claws be a Philosoraptor?
posted by Andrew E on 3-15-2008 at 1:33 pm
Seems this fortune teller in new York was tired of the cold of the city’s winter, so she moved her business out to the west coast.
Unfortunately, fortune tellers were a dime a dozen over there, so she decided to go into a second career. Oral hygiene always interested her, so she got her degree and began her own practice. However, she couldn’t shake off the need to go back to her fist love, fortune telling.
In a brainstorm, she combine both of her trades, and became L.A.’s first fortune telling oral hygenist. And on the front of her business, her sign says:
“Super California mystic–expert: halitosis”
posted by Michael on 3-15-2008 at 7:27 pm
Two fishermen were in a boat by the lake, when one of them stood to catch a fish in a net. As he scooped up the carp, his wallet fell out of his back pocket. As the seemingly doomed billfold started to sink to the lake bottom, the carp slipped out of the net and swam after it, re-emerging with it on his nose.
However, instead of returning it, he tossed it to one of his fish buddies, who balanced it on his nose. More of more of fish-buddies emerged from the water, and all of them played this strange game of keep-away with the man’s billfold.
The first man watched, slackjawed. He said to the other “Have you ever seen anything like this before?”
The second man answered “Sure I have. Haven’t you heard of carp-to-carp walleting?”
posted by Michael on 3-15-2008 at 7:35 pm
A mushroom walks into a bar.
Bartender says “We don’t serve your kind here.”
Mushroom asks “Why not? I’m a fungi.”
shirt: Fib-men-XL
posted by Michael on 3-15-2008 at 7:39 pm
Thanks to fossils, archaeologists have been able to determine that there once a genetic mutation millions of year ago, causing the creation of a five-legged dinosaur.
As far as we know, this is the first evidence we have ever seen of a reptile dysfunction.
Fib-men-XL
posted by Michael on 3-15-2008 at 7:52 pm
Did you hear the latest news about Ashley Alexandra Dupré? Apparently, she’s going to write a play about her experiences with Governor Spitzer titled ‘Witness for the Prostitution!’
posted by Amy on 3-15-2008 at 11:20 pm
Kay Nein’s English Bulldog, Og, had just been awarded ‘Best in Show’ and she
felt a celebratory ice cream from Calabash’s Frozen Doggie Treats was in order; however, what she had intended to be a single scoop in a cup quickly evolved into a glop of every flavor available -leading Kay to comment, “It’s a mishmash, Calabash… give -uh - Og a cone!”
posted by Amy on 3-15-2008 at 11:24 pm
Vincent looked quizzically as the vehicle directly in front of him - brightly painted in the style of ‘Starry Night’ - suddenly disappeared from sight, and wondered aloud “Now, where did that van go?”
posted by Amy on 3-15-2008 at 11:35 pm
Roy Rogers and Dale Evans retired to a ranch in Apple Valley. One day, Roy rode out to check on his herd and came back with bad news. “Dale, one of our cattle has been killed by a mountain lion.” Dale told him not to worry but Roy replied, “He’ll keep coming back until I kill him. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. I’m going to ride out there and one of us will be back: either me or that cat.” Dale knew he wouldn’t change his mind so she outfitted him for his ride including brand new hand-tooled cowboy boots.
Roy spent two days on the range and was having a plate of beans by the fire when a huge mountain lion pounced on him, knocking him to the ground, scratching and biting fiercely. Roy finally reached his rifle and shot the mountain lion, throwing his lifeless body over the saddle. He packed his gear and rode back to the ranch.
Dale heard him ride up, took one look at her shredded husband and saw the mountain lion.
She said (wait for it), “Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?”
posted by Adrienne on 3-15-2008 at 11:42 pm
John and Martha were viewing the “Famous Psychoanalysts’ Undergarments” exhibition, when John gestured excitedly to his wife - “Look honey, a Freudian slip!”
For each of these last four comments - I’d like to be eligible for the same style shirt -
Pavlov: long sleeved Womans small
posted by Amy on 3-15-2008 at 11:43 pm
Oh–XL Pluto, please.
posted by Adrienne on 3-15-2008 at 11:44 pm
Noah’s ark landed and the animals were disembarking, he told them, ‘Go forth and multiply.’ Two snakes came up to him and said, ‘We’re sorry Noah, we can’t multiply, we’re Adders.’
Women’s Fibonacci - medium
posted by jennifer on 3-16-2008 at 2:50 am
So the king of the grass village was very beloved by his subjects. Every year, because of their love for him, they would get together and make him a beautiful new throne, and every year, he would put the old throne in his attic. One year, however, he was placing the old throne in his attic, and his entire grass hut collapsed. The moral of the story is: People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.
Remember: Seven days without laughter makes one weak.
posted by Nathan Miller on 3-16-2008 at 3:35 am
Amy was energized by her intensive Monday through Friday gym sessions, which had buffed and toned her body to perfection; nevertheless, by the time Saturday and Sunday (the two days she allowed herself to skip working out)arrived, she admitted feeling a little weekend.
posted by Amy on 3-16-2008 at 8:56 am
Forgot - Womans small, Pavlov long sleeve
posted by Amy on 3-16-2008 at 8:59 am
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bar tender says “We don’t serve pieces of string around these parts!” So the piece of string walks back outside, messes his hair up really good and twists his body up a little and walks back into the bar and orders a beer again. The bar tender looks at him and asks “Hey! Weren’t you that piece of string that just walked in here a minute ago?” The string says “I’m afraid not.”
(”I’m a frayed knot.”)
Pythagoras in Small, please.
posted by Xavier on 3-16-2008 at 11:43 am
Mark Antony was well known for his corn chowder, and all of Rome lined up for a bowl. One day, he was gathering the ingredients for yet another batch when he discovered he had run out of corn, and that the market was not yet open. In his panic, he ran into the street where a sizable crowd had already formed, and cried :”Friends, Romans, countrymen… lend me your EARS!”
Pavlov long sleeved womans small
posted by Amy on 3-16-2008 at 11:31 pm
It was ‘Showtime at the Salad Bar’, and the Iceberg, Bibb, and Romaine were leading things off with a rousing rendition of ‘Lettuce Entertain You’.
Pavlov, long sleeved womans small
posted by Amy on 3-16-2008 at 11:36 pm
am i too late??!!? :(
A thief attempted to steal paintings from the Louvre in Paris, but was caught 2 blocks away when his van ran out of gas. All the thief could say for himself was: “I had no MONET to buy DEGAS to make the VAN GOGH. But I tried for it anyway because I had nothing TOULOUSE!”
posted by kerensa on 3-17-2008 at 8:10 am
Even w/ all the ‘pun’-nishingly wonderful entries I’ve submitted ;-) , I think there’s room for some others in the Finaliststs:
That includes Karensa’s ARTfully composed entry, Andrew E’s - ‘Slack Toes’ and Adrienne’s ‘Cat Who Chewed…’
posted by Amy on 3-17-2008 at 8:22 am
A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?”
(fibonacci mens M)
posted by christa on 3-18-2008 at 6:03 pm
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but saran wrap for underwear the psychiatrist takes one look at him and says ‘ I can clearly see you’re nuts’.
Two goldfish were in their tank. One turns to the other and says, ‘You man the guns, I’ll drive.’
(simple as pi- Lg)
posted by Kevin on 3-18-2008 at 8:38 pm
To build off of Karensa’s, some puns I remembered on my trip to the Art Institute:
* If you have no Monet, then you are Baroque.
* You have to step on Degas to make the Van Gogh.
Also, my friend has a father who is a geologist, and he would be unhappy were I to leave these guys out:
* Geology Rocks! Don’t take it for Granite!
* Geology is the Schist!
* Geologists are Gneiss!
posted by Nathan Miller on 3-19-2008 at 10:04 am