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Certain aspects of human life are simultaneously private and universal — everyone experiences the same stuff privately and almost no one talks about it. Pretty much everything that happens in the bathroom falls into this category, which is why I was amazed to discover that serious thought has gone into the challenges presented by toilet paper. Here are a few examples.
The Toilet Paper Algorithm
Design guru Don Norman decided to confront a common toilet paper crisis: the problem of the roll running out just when you need it most. When remodeling his home, Norman installed a dual-roll toilet paper dispenser, under the theory that there’d always be a second roll available for just such emergencies. But he quickly found that, for some reason, both rolls seemed to run out at the same time!
Norman applied some logical thinking to his problem, resulting in the article Toilet Paper Algorithms: I didn’t know you had to be a computer scientist to use toilet paper. The gist of it is that Norman and his wife were subconsciously selecting whatever roll was larger at any given time, leading them both to become roughly the same size, thus running out at the same time. (Read the article for more details on the various available toilet paper algorithms…it’s neat.)
For the record, Norman determined that the optimal strategy for using toilet paper in a dual-roll holder is to always use the smaller roll. This will tend to drive one roll to become empty, but will leave a full roll available.
Norman isn’t alone in his analysis of toilet paper roll consumption — Donald E. Knuth published a mathematics paper entitled The Toilet Paper Problem in The American Mathematical Monthly in 1984, including equations for analysis of toilet paper usage.
The Fold Versus Crumple Debate
I’ll try to put this as delicately as I can. Apparently there’s a significant debate about whether it’s better to fold several sheets of paper, or crumple them together in a bunch. One major argument in favor of the “fold” method is that depending on the quality of your paper and your folding technique, you can refold (and thus reuse) a single set of sheets. The counter-argument is that this is super-gross. I have my own opinions on this issue, but let’s just say I’ve tried multiple methodologies over the years and feel that I’ve perfected my technique.
So what’s the distribution of crumplers versus folders in the wild? An online toilet paper usage survey has received almost 5,000 responses. At the moment, the folders are slightly in the lead (52%), but tend to be a little older than crumplers. Also, far more crumplers are male than female (70% of crumplers in the survey are male). You can take the survey or just hit the ‘View’ button to see the results without contributing your own.
Toilet Paper Requisition Denied
Here’s some fun WWII trivia. Lieutenant Commander J. W. Coe of the submarine USS Skipjack requested 150 rolls of toilet paper from the supply officer at Mare Island Naval Base in July of 1941. The request was denied in November of 1941 with a notation saying, “Cancelled — cannot identify.” By June 1942 the situation onboard USS Skipjack was dire, and Coe sent another request, reading in part:
During the 11-3/4 months elapsing from the time of ordering the toilet paper and the present date, USS SKIPJACK personnel, despite their best efforts to await delivery of the subject material, have been unable to wait on numerous occasions, and the situation is now quite acute, particularly during depth-charge attacks by the “back stabbers.”
…
SKIPJACK personnel during this period have become accustomed to the use of “crests,” i.e., the vast amount of incoming non-essential paper work, and in so doing feel that the wish of the Bureau of Ships for reduction of paper work is being complied with, thus killing two birds with one stone.
Read the rest at the wonderful Snopes page detailing the event.
Got any toilet paper trivia, or an opinion on fold-versus-crumple? Share it with us in the comments!
(Toilet paper photo courtesy of Brandon Blinkenberg and Wikimedia Commons.)
Comments (44)
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The story of the USS Skipjack reminded me of a scene in Operation Petticoat, starring Cary Grant and Tony Curtis. The submarine’s supply officer received back a denied requisition form for toilet paper, one that stated that they couldn’t identify material required.
Cary Grant, the captain of the submarine, wrote a response to the denial… something to the effect of wondering what is being used at the supply depot as a substitute for this unidentifiable material once so well known to this command.
Since the movie came out in 1959, I assume that the Skipjack was the inspiration for that little vignette.
posted by Cheryl on 3-21-2008 at 7:57 pm
I solved the problem of the roll running out by buying a nice big decorative basket and artfully arranging the spare rolls in it next to the toilet. Believe me, it’s the only Martha Stewart-ish thing I’ve ever done — but as silly as it sounds, a spare is always at hand for guests, who tend to think the decorative arrangement is hysterical.
I’m on the side of crumple, but then I’ve never been frugal about toilet paper, so I don’t know which is more “efficient.” I’m just concerned about getting the job done well.
posted by Steph Mineart on 3-21-2008 at 8:36 pm
The big debate at my house is not fold versus crumple, but which way the loose end should hang on the roll. My mother is in favor of the front-facing, but my father grew up facing the roll backwards, so you pull from the back. Sad to say, the front versus back debate has oft been the source of great angst in our house.
posted by Amy on 3-21-2008 at 9:35 pm
I think this is all very interesting. I have lived in Thailand for three years. They have the solution. Don’t use toilet paper. Every bath room here in equipped with a bucket and a water hose. Oh yeah baby…the first month was weird trying to figure out how to use them. I felt like Stallon in Demolition Man trying to understand the 3 shells. Good times Good times
posted by Noah on 3-21-2008 at 9:36 pm
Fold/Crumple is the debate in my home. To alleviate the supply problem, a basket with soaps/towels/”paper” is kept on the back of the throne.
As for front or rear rolling. The best explanation for rear rolling is a cat. When it sits on the lid of the toilet and bats all of your front-rolling paper on the floor, you will start to rear-roll. Since we don’t have a cat, we can roll the paper like normal people ;)
posted by Thaylok on 3-21-2008 at 10:22 pm
When I was in basic training (Air Force), one of our first days there, our TI had us all together in the meeting room and explained that since there was a toilet paper shortage, we’d need to follow a special procedure for using TP.
We were to take a single square sheet, fold it in half once, then twice so it’s a smaller square, then tear the corner off so that when the sheet was unfolded there would be a hole in the middle. We were then to insert a finger into the hole, wipe with the finger, then clean the poo off the finger with the corner piece that was torn off.
Yeah, he was joking, but to see the faces of some of the green recruits… They were so buying it.
Oh yeah; I crumple. And it rolls off the front — no cats, and the kids are old enough to know better. And we keep a couple of spare rolls in the bottom of the vanity.
posted by Dave on 3-22-2008 at 2:32 am
Since we’re talking about wiping, I thought I’d share this Educational Video I found: funnyordie.com/videos/b8e6148d2a
posted by Wipe Out on 3-22-2008 at 9:55 am
As far as being efficient, and having been a submariner on SSBN743, here is the method of TP conservation used during extended patrols.
Use 1 square. Fold square in 1/4’s along alternating edges.
Tear off the folded corner and save the piece of paper.
Unfold the paper and place finger through hole. Using finger remove debris from body.
Use the tissue around finger to remove adherent debris from finger. Discard paper in toilet.
Using the small piece previously saved clean debris from under fingernail and discard.
Wash hands thoroughly with soap and warm water.
posted by Keith on 3-22-2008 at 2:41 pm
well this is definitly interesting. I am an avid crumpler. In my personal opinion, folding takes time which I normally don’t feel the need to take. I agree that it may be more efficient, but the article is also right, its gross. Especially if it is wet.
Plus, if your a guy (or girl, I guess) and have a hairy bottom, the folding tends to do a poor job of totally cleaning the area. Crumplings different creases help to make sure you get all areas even through the hair. Crumple for life
posted by Crumpled on 3-22-2008 at 2:47 pm
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These are the web’s most talked about URLs on Sat 22nd Mar 2008. The current winner is …..
posted by purrl.net |** urls that purr **| on 3-22-2008 at 3:06 pm
What about leaning vs standing while wiping? Turns out a lot of people stand up to wipe. Don’t ask me why…
posted by Leaner on 3-22-2008 at 3:07 pm
When I was “taught” the military method mentioned by Dave, the sheet with the hole was used to clean the finger and the torn off corner piece was for under the fingernail.
posted by Bill on 3-22-2008 at 3:25 pm
We will ALWAYS, at one point, run out of toilet paper while we’re still in the bathroom unless we REMEMBER to refill. Even if we put a stack of rolls next to the toilet, if we always forget to get new ones from the store, we’ll still face the same problem.
So, the key is to do something that will remind us to get new rolls, e.g. the bathroom lights will turn red if paper is going to run out, or any crazy ideas that you can think of.
But sure, putting a stack of paper next to you can always delay your trip to the store, which is what I’m doing.
posted by Rebecca on 3-22-2008 at 4:39 pm
Want to really save TP?
Use the chinese method. It gets no respect.
Deep squatting over a floor hole means that there’s nothing to wipe off when you’re done. Unless you’re not eating right…how ’bout that ZERO usage though?
posted by Keith in Tallahassee on 3-22-2008 at 5:11 pm
I have been to Thailand many many times and it was weird it first, but I got used to it, and I thought that washing with water was cleaner and didnt do as much damage as paper can do, and now for some reason my body is used to dump in the morning so I dump and shower every morning leaving me with a very clean result, and no sore hole. :)
posted by Ronnie on 3-22-2008 at 5:38 pm
I am 28 years old and this is the first I am hearing of “crumpling.” Thanks, Digg!
posted by Drew on 3-22-2008 at 5:43 pm
if you ever run out and you only have the card board roll left try wetting it and then using it. it softens the card board and does a good clean up job when your in a pinch
posted by paul sanchez on 3-22-2008 at 5:48 pm
Nice article, nice video, after reading the comments and seeing the AirForce mentioned, it brought me back nightmares of my father who was in the Canadian Air Force for 25yrs and has this crazy idea that everybody uses and wastes more toilet paper than he does, and actually talks openly about people who come to his place and use to much toilet paper, so now I find out it’s because of the cost. So if you can get 4 rolls for a 1$, one roll is a 25Cents, and all you use is about 14 to 26 squares if you have to double wipe, I am estimating that a wipe costs about 3 to 5 cents. WTF, Dad. Ha Ha. I like the long pull on the roll of about 14 squares, double fold and double fold again, hold it perpendicular to my hand, using 3 fingers and allowing the other 2 fingers to hold the overflow paper to rub my buttcheeks, while the 3 others wipe my orifice backwards, then fold in half and rewipe, depending on the type of poop, wet will require an extra wipe. Hope I could help everybody, ha. I hate the thought of visiting my Dad and having the flu,ha.
posted by Alien TheJoy on 3-22-2008 at 6:02 pm
I’ve always liked the method used all over Turkey when I visited there. They have a small hose just under the seat and you use it to spray water on your underside and clean yourself with your hand. You get a lot cleaner than wiping with paper. This silly paper stuff is wastful and inefficient.
posted by raj on 3-22-2008 at 6:42 pm
if you ever run out, just remember you’re probably wearing a pair of “emergency bum wipes”… your socks! helped me out of a number of tricky situations, including a job interview and a royal garden party.
posted by Steven Hipkiss on 3-22-2008 at 7:16 pm
“Wipe like a Pornstar – Use Water™!
For advanced Wipingtechnology™ call 0800-E-N-E-M-A”
posted by Quoquo on 3-22-2008 at 8:50 pm
I was thinking recently, imagine someone smeared their excrement on your (let’s say kinda trimmed)armpit. Would you think it was sufficient to just wipe it with some tissue paper? No, right? Unless it’s a very efficient dump, water would seem to be the only way.
posted by Saint Patrick on 3-22-2008 at 9:54 pm
Seriously folks. The crumple? Didn’t people stop that in the 3rd grade? I mean, regardless of whether or not you “reuse” after folding, the crumple is just crass. It’s like people gripping a fork or pencil with a fist. Not to mention the potential “smudge factor” from crumpling the TP.
posted by seriously on 3-22-2008 at 11:04 pm
I am a folder with soft paper, and use the crumple with the “John Wayne” ass sandpaper found at work at public restrooms. Its seems to help.
posted by I go both ways on 3-23-2008 at 12:16 am
After wiping with toilet paper, I recommend a further cleaning with ‘adult wipes’, flushable moist towlettes that are designed for the purpose. (Scott and Charmin, and probably other brands, sell them).
I used to get hemorrhoids, but I haven’t had them since I started using them.
posted by Viadd on 3-23-2008 at 12:48 am
One thing’s for sure. I definitely “Feel Smarter” for having read this post and comments
Cue the “The More You Know…” music.
posted by Johnny Cat on 3-23-2008 at 1:02 am
Very bizarre topic.
I do think that there is no ideal way to utelize toilet paper. The real case scenario depends on the shape of the hand and preference of the mind.
posted by Jessica Muller on 3-23-2008 at 6:30 am
The reason Americans use so much TP is because we eat too much. If you eat a healthy amount you will discover you can poop without leaving any messy on your behind. Animals do this part better than humans.
In addition, toilets are a stupid, unhealthy and wasteful invention. Many digestive maladies can be blamed on the Crapper. Hopefully when humans have colonized space this relic of European neurosis will be abandoned for a more natural solution.
posted by Gnarlodious on 3-23-2008 at 10:34 am
Haha, wow. I didn’t even know that there were people who crumpled up toilet paper..it sounds pretty wasteful to me. Just fold a few extra sheets, which is still more practical than crumpling, and that takes care of any wetness problems you think you might have…
*shakes head*
posted by Sebastian on 3-23-2008 at 11:54 am
Im a life long folder but was wondering how anyone else decides whether any additional wipes are needed? Is it guess work or is there scrutiny involved?
posted by Exquisite Meat on 3-23-2008 at 2:27 pm
I have a very precise system when I go. I sit down and begin. While waiting I remove three (3) squares and fold them in half, and then in half once more. This make a three quarter (3/4) sized, quadruple layered piece. I place that on my leg and grab two (2) more squares and fold those in half only once and place it next to the other piece. That piece is one standard square size and doubly think. Then if I have time remaining I’ll remove my phone from my pocket and play Vegas style solitaire until all is evacuated. I will then wipe once with the three square piece, then once more with the two square piece. If I have a one thousand (1,000) square roll of paper, and assuming I go once a day, and calculating that I might be in a different bathroom than my own at the time, I estimate that one single roll will last for approximately three quarters of a year (3/4). I am a very frugal person.
posted by Josiah on 3-23-2008 at 8:19 pm
Use your toilet paper any way you like.
As long as you use White only.
Some people get irritation using cheap colored paper, after a few years. It can even develop as piles.
posted by LogicMan on 3-23-2008 at 9:50 pm
Amazing. I didn’t know there were people who folded. Crumpling is so much faster – and my hand stays clean. Now while I wait in public bathrooms I’ll be imagining all those people sitting in there, quietly and neatly folding toilet paper on their knees. I find it deliciously ironic that I am a very neat and organized person, but just yank that paper off that roll and scrunch away, while my messy friends are folding…
posted by Tessa on 3-23-2008 at 11:47 pm
fold, and the charmin wet wipes.
crumpling wastes way too much paper, and if what you’re wiping up is wet- it can blossom out like a little turd flower.
ew.
fold ‘n flush, it’s the way to go.
posted by Em on 3-24-2008 at 4:08 am
Grossest comment section ever?
posted by Ira on 3-24-2008 at 7:59 am
I have spent many hours on the Folder vs. Wadder debate, and I believe this to be the best personality test on the planet. Folders are more organized and peticular; wadders are more fast-paced and disorganized. Ask around! You’ll be amazed at how quickly you’ll be able to predict who is which!
As for the flap in the front vs. the back of the roll, there is no debate. Front. When it’s in front, it’s always ready to grab in one swipe. If it’s in the back and the last rip was diametrically opposite the user, you have to dig around it and that’s a whole other step. I prefer to make quick work of bathroom activities
posted by Kevin on 3-24-2008 at 12:40 pm
What about back-to-front vs. front-to-back? Stand-and-reach vs. “Poppin’ a wheelie” vs. “Up-and-under?” Before hand-washing was readily available, people used their left hands for wiping and right hands for eating. Have you ever tried wiping left-handed if you’re right-handed? Cannot be done…
posted by Kevin on 3-24-2008 at 12:45 pm
Crumple is the only way to go…
folding takes to long, does not offer the same level of protection, has to many occurrences of “slippage” and does not clean as well… refer to the above post of “hair” + “different creases” and I have never the aforementioned “turd flower” although the very thought of that cracks me up…
I used to drive my dad nuts when living with him, it started by accident when i did not replace the roll after my business i only left a few thin sheets next to the tube… I found this to be quite entertaining so it evolved into many diabolical practical jokes involving TP… he then accused me of always putting the roll on “backwards” that one I never understood…
The debate we have today (when i visit him or he visits me is brand…
Once i moved out on my own i quickly found the value of John Wayne toilet paper being my place of employment always seemed to have some extra rolls laying around, I now swear by it and will only buy the Scott’s brand.
my wife and I have experimented with Scott’s versus other fluffy brands (Cottenelle, Quilted Northern, Charmin etc) and time and time again the Scott’s wins by far… a 4 pack of fluff will last less than 3 or 4 days, a four pack of Scott’s will last almost two weeks.
My dad argues this to be untrue being he feels he has to use twice as much of Scott’s to achieve the same goal of the fluff brands, I have proven this to be wrong every time. I do not even like the feel of those fluff brands, hate em…
posted by RodneyB on 3-24-2008 at 1:26 pm
I don’t use t-paper. I have a good stiff brush that I use after ’sitting on the throne’.
posted by Flint Paliden on 4-7-2008 at 11:19 pm
I lived in Thailand as well, and they have these water jets next to the toilet that you can use to clean your self. Your hands dont have to go anywhere near the area. I dont know why they dont have them in the US, sooo much more sanitary, less paper wastage and less smell.
posted by Anon on 11-12-2008 at 10:37 pm
I think tiolet paper brands should print pictures or joke phrases just to entertain. I know its wasteful, and may affect the texture of the paper, but it will be funny.
posted by John on 2-5-2009 at 10:36 pm
I’m surprised I’ve never seen anyone refer to the hoses/water jets as “bidets”. They have them in the states, you know. My grandma had one at her house when I was little. Never learned what it was for, until many years later. o_0
posted by Me on 3-18-2009 at 6:14 pm
1. From the roll end (facing forward) remove two squares. Fold along perforation mark and use . . . the width of this amount of paper is optimal for accessing the area to be cleaned. Repeat this as required,- always taking just two squares. Using more paper (ie 10-50 squares folded or bumched) is actually less effective and requires much more.
2. In India a small vessel with water is used. Someday we will evolve to this advanced level. For now, we continue to support the pulp and paper industry.
posted by Bill on 7-7-2009 at 11:22 am
In India we use mostly now (affluent families) western style toilets, thats more convenient than those used earlier (squatting style), however when it comes to toilet papers, I think too much of paper wastage, inefficient and you dont get to clean the anal opening with water and good anti-bacterial soap. I wash with water (some homes have telephone water jets and some uses a big mug- those who cannot afford water jets) and use hands while doing so…ones I feel it is clean inside out, use anti-beacterial soap in the anal area, rinse wash off with soap…and hten finally clean the hand with the antibacterial soap. It is sooo hygenic…when I came to USA…I had a hard time cleaning myself as the thought of holding the paper and and wiping it off was so yuckk….it smells and once u wear the pants u feel uncomfortable…
posted by Abhi on 7-15-2009 at 8:36 pm