by Graeme Wood
Forget Apple and Pilot Inspektor. If you really want to give your kid a hard time growing up, just pick from the following list.
1. BATMAN.
Venezuelans are among the world’s most creative namers. In fact, according to their own government, they’re too creative. In September 2007, after hearing about babies named Superman and Batman, state authorities urged parents to pick their names from an approved list of 100 common Spanish monikers. Those conventional names (such as Juanita and Miguel) quickly acquired a patrician ring, ironically giving rise to more novel names, like Hochiminh (after the Vietnamese guerilla) and Eisenhower (after the president). There are also at least 60 Venezuelans with the first name Hitler.
2. ECLIPSE GLASSES.
In June 2001, a total solar eclipse was about to cross southern Africa. To prepare, the Zimbabwean and Zambian media began a massive astronomy education campaign focused on warning people not to stare at the Sun. Apparently, the campaign worked. The locals took a real liking to the vocabulary, and today, the birth registries are filled with names like Eclipse Glasses Banda, Totality Zhou, and Annular Mchombo.
3. NAAKTGEBOREN.
When Napoleon seized the Netherlands in 1810, he demanded that all Dutchmen take last names, just as the French had done decades prior. Problem was, the Dutch had lived full and happy lives with single names, so they took absurd surnames in a show of spirited defiance. These included Naaktgeboren (born naked), Spring int Veld (jump in the field), and Piest (pisses). Sadly for their descendants, Napoleon’s last-name trend stuck, and all of these remain perfectly normal Dutch names today.
4. VLADIMIR ASHKENAZY.
The people of Iceland take their names very seriously. The country permits no one—not even immigrants—to take or keep foreign surnames. So what happened when esteemed Russian maestro Vladimir Ashkenazy asked to become an Icelandic citizen? Well, the government finally decided to make an exception. Vladimir Ashkenazy is now on the short list of approved Icelandic names.
5. YAZID.
Imam Husayn ibn Ali is one of the holiest figures in the Shi’ite Muslim faith. In the 7th century CE, he lost his head on the orders of the Sunni caliph, Yazid, and the decapitation initiated the biggest schism in Islamic history. While the name Yazid remains common among Sunnis, it is disdained throughout the Shi’a world. The stigma attached to it is equivalent to naming one’s son Stalin or Hitler. Speaking of which…
6. ADOLF.
Memories of death camps and fascism have kept parents from christening their kids Adolf for quite some time. But one unlucky youngster acquired the name in 1949. He was the son of William Patrick Hitler—the dictator’s nephew, who moved to America in the 1930s to fight against his uncle. It isn’t clear why William preserved the name, but his four sons (including Alexander Adolf Hitler, now 57) made a pact to never have children in an effort to stunt der Fuehrer’s family tree at its branches.
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Very cool article. In the same vein, I’m addicted to the Name of the Year bracket. It’s been going on for 20 years or so, and this year’s version is going on right now. Follow the link by my name to check out the 64 contenders this year… always good for a few laughs. (nameoftheyear.blogspot.com).
Josh
posted by Josh on 3-28-2008 at 10:14 am
I know a girl with the unfortunate first name of “Vanceletta”. Her last name is equally long and sounds very German…. she goes by V.J.
posted by Korin on 3-28-2008 at 10:38 am
I had a friend whose wife was the OB charge nurse at the local Medical Center and she oft told the true story of how she had to talk an immigrant Somali woman out of naming her daughter ‘Vagina’ because she liked the sound of it.
I told my son Harold Richard that story (or Harry Dick as we nicknamed him)Ok, that last part was a joke. Really.
posted by Jonathan on 3-28-2008 at 2:04 pm
My dentist tells the story of his father, whose parents, in turn, were devout Missouri Synod Lutherans. Mom, with perfect ignorance, would call her child (my dentist’s dad) home from play every night: “Harry Dick, you get home right now!”
posted by lleachie on 3-28-2008 at 4:01 pm
Yes the joke really was on the Dutch in the end – my mother’s maiden name is Korsten or “crust of bread”, which was apparently funny because they were wealthy. They had some good friends the Seibehausen, “7 houses” and Groteborsten, “big chested”, I’ve always found that funny!
posted by Ashe on 3-30-2008 at 7:57 pm
I used to work with a woman named Wendolowyn. My last name at the time was Zanzonico. We were constantly having to spell our names out and correct the pronunciation. When I got divorced I immediately went back to my previous 2-syllable name.
posted by misele on 10-11-2008 at 8:44 pm
I went to school with a gal named Rainy Day Flood heh.. Additionally I went to elementary school with children named Chance, Luck and Destiny.
posted by Kimberly on 5-11-2010 at 4:21 am
I had a distant cousin who’s middle name was Adolf. As he told other people who used to break his balls over the name “When I was born, we were winning the war”
posted by Dave on 5-11-2010 at 8:45 am
My maternal grandfather’s name was Adolf; he was in the Army in WWII. I always heard stories that they put him in the Pacific to try to spare him any harrassment.
posted by Maria on 5-11-2010 at 10:22 am
When I had just given birth to my oldest daughter “Sarah Lynn”, my roommate gave birth to little “Tequila Sunrise”.
posted by Donna on 5-11-2010 at 11:40 am
I’m of spanish origin and the variant of Adolfo is kinda popular in the latin languages. My middle name is Alexander…weird….
In high school in French class, my teacher used to call me simply “Adolf”.
Every time she did, a student out of her line of site would do the hail hitler in my direction, which I always thought was kinda funny because it’s very obvious I am not white. It then caught on, and I was getting the hail hitler simply walking down the hall and even from people I didn’t know. Wow, now that I think about it, that’s pretty disfunctional lol.
I was never sure what to think of it.
Now as an adult, my career is based primarily on the phones (no I’m not a lowly telemarketer/customer service/collector) So I’ve taken to just calling myself Alexander and even changed my last name phonetically so I won’t have to spell it 17 times a day.
Literally it was like, “Adolfo” “what?” “UH DOLL FOE” “what? How do you spell that?” ” A D O L F O” “huh?” “A as in Apple, D as in….”
Eventually I started saying “Adolf” with an “O” and people were like…”ohhhhhhhhhhh”
posted by xanderjones on 5-11-2010 at 11:49 am
What a coincidence I came across this. My friend was telling me a story at lunch how she and her cousin was at Wal-mart when they noticed their cashier’s name tage read, ‘Shithead.’ When asked the cashier replied that it was pronouced, She-thed.
posted by Kali on 5-11-2010 at 1:16 pm
I went to school with a girl named Kitten Raper…really I saw her birth certificate.
posted by Stef on 5-11-2010 at 2:09 pm
I went to elementary school with Dusty, Windy, and Stormy Weathers……
posted by delinda on 5-11-2010 at 2:30 pm
When i worked at a school’s attendance office, there was a boy who went by Derek and i could never find him in the regitry.
His real name was ….Cheeseman!
i laugh at it to this day. poor guy. :(
posted by Oreo on 5-11-2010 at 2:47 pm
Goolsby Prunty
posted by pat on 5-11-2010 at 3:13 pm
I knew I guy in the navy named Atticus Evil. Always thought that was an awesome name myself.
posted by Merinda on 5-11-2010 at 5:24 pm
I love these types of articles, but I actually have something to contribute! I have been a social worker for the past 9 years and have heard numerous hilarious and questionable names over the years. The spelling of names is also an interesting way people have found to express their child’s individuality.
A few examples, I can recall right now:
Candy Cain, Cinnamon Burns, Commander, Narcissus, Teenie Dickie (not kidding, she went by Cherelle), Zorianna, and, J’Nasia. Of course, those are only a few.
And, who can forget Bob Loblaw?
posted by Lori on 5-11-2010 at 8:57 pm
i recently met a young guy by the name of Blade Handler at a showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show. I asked to see his ID for proof that it was his real name. it’s legit.
posted by emily on 5-13-2010 at 12:05 am
in my local newspaper they list everyone got arrested that week. a guy named punk icee shows up quite a bit.
also, i have a coworker who named his daughter alexz (pronounced like alexie).
all this kind of reminds me of that move, idocricy, where tons of people are named upgrade in the future.
posted by tilly on 5-16-2010 at 11:08 am
I went to school with a Forrest Green and he had a sister named Ivy and another named Holly.
posted by amj on 5-16-2010 at 6:10 pm
I have been known as simply Apple for 39 years. My least favorite thing is when people actually ask me if I was named after Gwenyth Paltrow’s kid (yes it happens alot more than you would guess–I guess some people cannot do math that fast).
posted by apple on 5-16-2010 at 6:12 pm