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Rachel Donadio published an essay on yesterday’s New York Times Sunday Book Review entitled It’s Not You, It’s Your Books. Donadio discusses how a person’s taste in books affects relationships, and she brings in comments from all sorts of literary folks including Augusten Burroughs and Nora Ephron.
Donadio also appeared on NPR’s Talk of the Nation today, on a program entitled Books: A Canary in the Relationship Coal Mine? It sounds like she’s already getting quite a reaction to her piece, as it’s currently at the top of the NYT’s “Most Emailed” list.
Here’s a brief snippet from the article:
Naming a favorite book or author can be fraught. Go too low, and you risk looking dumb. Go too high, and you risk looking like a bore — or a phony. “Manhattan dating is a highly competitive, ruthlessly selective sport,” Augusten Burroughs, the author of “Running With Scissors” and other vivid memoirs, said. “Generally, if a guy had read a book in the last year, or ever, that was good enough.” The author recalled a date with one Michael, a “robust blond from Germany.” As he walked to meet him outside Dean & DeLuca, “I saw, to my horror, an artfully worn, older-than-me copy of ‘Proust’ by Samuel Beckett.” That, Burroughs claims, was a deal breaker. “If there existed a more hackneyed, achingly obvious method of telegraphing one’s education, literary standards and general intelligence, I couldn’t imagine it.”
So this all leads me to wonder: have I been the victim of the deal breaker book? Has anyone checked out my messy shelves and silently judged me lame? I don’t recall discussing deal breaker books per se, but I did experience a near deal breaker movie — an ex was deeply put off by my abiding love for Brain Candy, the Kids in the Hall movie. I love-love-love that movie, while she, um, didn’t care for it so much.
Being the brainy bunch I know you are, I thought perhaps you’d share your deal breaker book/movie/media experiences. Have you ever judged someone harshly, based on their taste in media?
Comments (50)
Comment
Anyone that says “The DaVinci Code” is one of the greatest books ever… deal breaker for sure.
posted by kevin on 3-31-2008 at 6:32 pm
First of all, the Kids in the Hall are awesome. Love that show. Second, being an avid reader, I probably would consider not reading to be a deal breaker. But in terms of a specific book or something? I’d probably see it as a challenge to improve his reading habits and that would cause so much tension that we’d break up anyway.
posted by Toyouke on 3-31-2008 at 6:44 pm
I refused to go out on a date with a guy who told me that Nelly was his favorite musician. In fact, after that phone conversation, I never took another one of his phone calls.
posted by Melea on 3-31-2008 at 6:50 pm
I have a friend, whom I love dearly (sigh), but she has the most appalling taste in movies–it’s almost unbearable to listen to her talk about her favorites. Enough, with Jennifer Lopez? Not a real movie. Darkness Falls, about the tooth fairy? Should have been made for TV. But I love her, and we just choose not to discuss these things anymore, lol.
posted by adrienne on 3-31-2008 at 6:59 pm
I dated someone who loved those Michael Crighton books. In fact, he never read unless it was MC. That was a deal breaker.
Also, I almost dated someone until they told me John Grisham was non-fiction. DEAL BREAKER.
posted by Mattie on 3-31-2008 at 7:21 pm
I have a pair of former roommates who practically live on teeny-bopper movies. Yuck! Thankfully, that’s only a deal-breaker if they make me join them. Give me vampires, werewolves or unnameable creatures any day!
posted by Jennie on 3-31-2008 at 7:23 pm
A good buddy of mine had a dealbreaker movie that astonished all of us. He said he wouldn’t date a woman that didn’t like the movie Serendipity. He wasn’t being the least bit ironic. He loves that movie.
I don’t think I have a dealbreaker. Honestly, if she’s cute enough, I could probably deal with whatever.
posted by Reed on 3-31-2008 at 7:29 pm
not reading is a deal breaker.
i have trouble being friends with people who proudly admit to me that they’ve never read a book for pleasure. and yes, that’s happened.
best place to meet potential book loving friends/possible dating material? why, the library of course! university libraries are even better! seriously, some library should sponser speed dating sometime.
posted by redhead on 3-31-2008 at 7:37 pm
ugh. my fiancee almost never reads. i find myself nagging him about it all the time. i’m still gonna marry him, but it’s definitely come close to being a deal breaker for me before.
posted by tilly on 3-31-2008 at 7:41 pm
I think a bigger dealbreaker for me would be someone who gets all snooty about my book/music/movie taste. If someone deems me lame for Terry Pratchett/TV on the Radio/Gigi, then by jove, I’m lame and loving it. Luckily my fiance is just as lame. So it works out well.
posted by jenny on 3-31-2008 at 7:48 pm
Ha! The first book that came to my mind was “The DaVinci Code.” Kudos, Kevin. If I ever see that book on a guy’s shelf, it’s an automatic no-go.
posted by Nikki on 3-31-2008 at 7:56 pm
Wellll….
I went to a Seven Sisters college, have a job that would make people assume I am intelligent…
and I absolutely adore the movie Corky Romano.
It terrifies my husband, but I didn’t tell him until after we were married.
posted by ehme on 3-31-2008 at 8:06 pm
I am a little bit of a literary snob. And, after finishing my term paper on Anna Karenina, I did manage to work it into every conversation for a while. But i justified it with the fact that I was one of the few who actually finished reading their novel. I like my light reading but I have a hard time not losing respect for my nicholas sparks friends. Anything sappy or overly romantic, or crap science fiction is beyond me.
posted by abby on 3-31-2008 at 8:45 pm
after starting graduate school, i no longer read non-fiction for fun, which depresses me. should i break up with myself, i wonder?
i used to only date people that had the same music taste as me, until i realized that i could be quite happy with a boyfriend who loved missy elliott–possibly because he reads!
posted by Alex on 3-31-2008 at 9:13 pm
I read the books that I enjoy reading.
If my reading choices are relationship deal-breakers, they can get out immediately. I’d just prefer to find out about someone that shallow early on.
Hey, if you don’t like who I am, may I suggest not getting into a relationship with me?
posted by gmsc on 3-31-2008 at 9:40 pm
Someone who doesn’t read is a deal breaker. Read anything, I don’t care if it’s Da Vinci code or Dr.Seuss!
Since my bookshelf is quite eclectic, someone whose bookshelf is also random I wouldn’t completely rule out. However, someone who reads to feel superior to others, and only reads books on par with “Anna Karenina”…that’s a deal breaker.
posted by ndd on 3-31-2008 at 9:47 pm
I love Augusten Burroughs!
posted by Kathe on 3-31-2008 at 10:35 pm
i only read books on par with anna karenina. i don’t think i’ve read a book published after 1920 or so in the last five years..but it isn’t to feel superior. i genuinely find these books to be far better written than books today. that’s what i dislike about the article and some of the comments. as long as you’re not alliterate, you’re fine in my book. i don’t see why people need to be labeled as pretentious, or conversely, simple-minded, just because they prefer the canon or because they like chick lit and john grisham.
posted by jenni on 3-31-2008 at 10:35 pm
Deal Breakers: People who only read Steven King and think he’s the greatest writer ever are a deal breaker. Same goes for VC Andrews,Danielle Steele and anyone who reads strictly romance novels. Pretty much anyone who is a one author/genre reader and nothing else.
Anyone who doesn’t read at all is a definite deal breaker. I know I read way too much (and have the library to prove it) but not reading at least one book a month is probably a deal breaker.
Not reading the newspaper can also be a deal breaker, especially those who want to debate world events.
Not reading any books, gathering more information on a subject youre passionate. this is especially a pet peeve of mine, the main focus being psuedoenvironmentalists who never taken a science class, haven’t read a book on the subject and just keep repeating the mantra “Save the planet”
time to get off this rant. I’m a little passionate about reading and knowledge in general. Too many nonreaders in the world.
As Bill Hicks sez,”I read, so I don’t end up a waffle house waitress.”
posted by boblobob on 3-31-2008 at 11:08 pm
Keep in mind the article mentioned that the guy had brought the Beckett book on a date. Generally it’s bad form to demonstrate that you’re ready to be occupied by anything but your date at a first meeting.
What counts is reading. My wife and I enjoy reading books and recommending them to each other. It is fun to have a selection of books in common.
People who don’t read or who only like ONE author would need to demonstrate some very broad horizons in other areas.
posted by mungley on 3-31-2008 at 11:17 pm
You know, people who are snobs about music and/or books would be a deal breaker for me. I have a great appreciation for people who love music and/or books, but don’t judge me for not being equally as passionate. Plus, plenty of crappy books, music, and movies bring back lots of great memories. Just because I listen to the Spice Girls when I clean the house because it reminds me of being a camp counselor doesn’t make me a bad person, okay?!
Also, I am sad to report that since I am in grad school and work full time, I don’t have time to read “fun” books. However, I am studying to be a sex therapist so even though they’re not silly romance novels, they are VERY interesting. My partner is also in grad school, and when he is not reading textbooks about oceanography, he feels that the “fun” books he read should be classics. Who wants to sit out on a cruise ship and try to get through 1984? I don’t get it.
posted by Lizzy on 4-1-2008 at 12:20 am
The only pop culture deal breaker for me was my last girlfriend. I was able to look past her indifference to books(barely). But after watching No Country for Old Men(Great Movie) with me she told me with complete sincerity “It was okay, but It was no Transformers”. I implemented my exit strategy the next morning.
posted by Colin on 4-1-2008 at 12:20 am
As long as a girl reads something, and can then speak about what she is reading in a concise and intelligent fashion, I am a happy camper.
What I can not tolerate (from experience) is any woman that is now or has ever been a Korn fan… Call me shallow, but Korn fans and I have different life goals.
posted by Nathan on 4-1-2008 at 12:30 am
I went on a date with a recent Literary degree graduate. When the subject of books cames I up I told her my favorite were Russian authors. She asked why and I was pretty much done. I liked her a lot though…
posted by Josiah on 4-1-2008 at 12:51 am
Re: Jenni’s post
I don’t know - listening to someone who alliterates can be quite fun and interesting - Reading really rests and relaxes me.
Dating someone who is illiterate would be a sad situation indeed.
PS - I can be open minded about most things, but two deal breakers for me are people who constantly talk about the one “prestigious” they’ve ever read in every conversation even approximating the subject of books, and the movie “Dumb and Dumber.” If this is your favorite movie, you better be prepared to list the reasons why in a thoughtful and coherent manner, without using the word ‘irony’ and maybe I’ll give you a pass - but it better be a good answer!
posted by aTribe on 4-1-2008 at 2:01 am
I once had a boyfriend who said that his favorite book was Paintbox Penguins. When he was 19. True story.
I just don’t like it when people don’t read at all, especially when they want to debate things. Don’t sit and argue with me about the content of a book that you heard about or read an article about. Read the damn thing!
posted by Leigh on 4-1-2008 at 6:15 am
I think not reading and being aware of only “Top 40″ music are sure deal breakers for me. I’m a little more forgiving in the movie category, after all, I LOVE Wild Zero. If her favorite movies star Sandler,Ferrel, and/or Carey, I’m outta there.
posted by ArtF on 4-1-2008 at 7:14 am
RE: aTribe
I meant “alliterate” or “alliteracy” in the sense of a person who can read, but chooses not to.
posted by jenni on 4-1-2008 at 8:04 am
whoops! i actually meant “aliterate.” that’s what i get for trying out new vocabulary without checking on the spelling!
posted by jenni on 4-1-2008 at 8:15 am
I don’t have a deal breaker really. I’ve given up on finding a guy who reads as much as I do. I think that some of the guys I’ve dated in the past have been slightly frightened by my library of books which I will never part with, no matter how many times I move.
I’ve recently been put in the position on needing to buy a new car, and while trying to figure out a way to come up with more money for a larger down payment, my live in boyfriend recommended I sell some of my books…I believe the glare I shot him may have caused him to wet himself. I doubt he’ll be offering that advice again.
posted by Summer on 4-1-2008 at 8:42 am
I have to say the majority of these comments bother the hell out of me. What pretentious snots some of you seem! Assuming that what you read and listen to must have a direct correlation to intelligence. I am in Mensa, so by most standards, I’m fairly smart. Yet I could watch America’s Funniest Home Videos and read any Meg Cabot book and not feel the least bit dumber for it. Taste is subjective people, it has nothing to do with intelligence. Have I and can I read the big heavy important books? Yes, I was a Lit major. Would I reject someone who doesn’t? Well that’s just a bit closed minded if you ask me.
posted by jenny on 4-1-2008 at 9:04 am
Terry Pratchet Lame?!?!?!? who… wha… How can Terry’s fabulous stories be lame?!? Please explain to me as I’m still shocked…
A deal breaker for me would be The Celestine Prophecy, by James Redfield.
I suppose that books have a time for being read and as you evolve so does your taste and preferences, (I completely get any girl that confesses to having a soft spot for Marion Zimmer Bradley at 16, when you crave for mysticism and empowering women books), but there’s no way a 30 year old guy will get my respect after telling me that the Celestine Prophecy has a lot to say about personal development.
But that being said, I totally understand that someone won’t get out of 1920’s books, as long as they say that it is because they like them best and not because nothing good has since been done. that’s prejudice and can deprive you of some very good books.
not reading isn’t a deal breaker for me. as long as I get to read, and he’s funny and intelligent, it’s his loss…
posted by xixita on 4-1-2008 at 9:15 am
I went to hang out with a girl and her friends at her house once. I was subsequently subjected to episodes 1-7, or 1-12, or 1-15, i don’t even know, of R. Kelly’s R&B operatic masterpiece “Trapped in the Closet” and unduly praise from the females present of the raw, uninhibited emotions portrayed by the famous pisser.
I never saw her again.
It’s too bad; she was a beautiful half-Guatemalan. I really don’t like it when first generation Americans act like white girls from The Hills.
posted by TMo on 4-1-2008 at 10:46 am
A guy once said his favorite movie was Armageddon…
posted by anon on 4-1-2008 at 11:08 am
“This is a pill . . . that gives worms . . . to ex-girlfriends.”
Ha ha ha. Brain Candy is awesome!
posted by Scott on 4-1-2008 at 11:54 am
Reading certain things? Not a deal breaker. Not really reading a lot? Not a deal breaker. Can’t write a sentence without multiple glaring errors? Getting close to a deal breaker. Can’t understand why bad writing (I’m talking about poor grammar and spelling, not content) drives me nuts? Yeah, that’d probably have been the limit, but that says more about the guy’s ability to understand me than his literacy level.
I used to read 4 or 5 five books a week and am now happily married to a wonderful man who mostly reads Spider Man comic book compilations.
FYI, I made a decision to read less and DO more a few years ago. I haven’t regretted it.
posted by Shawna on 4-1-2008 at 12:48 pm
I will never again date a woman who pretty much only reads romance novels and papered her bedroom walls with pinups of the Backstreet Boys. She was 22 years old at the time, mind you, and now that I look back on it, any woman who kisses a poster of a male celebrity goodnight probably isn’t much of a lesbian, nu?
I was younger then, I’m wiser now.
posted by Mary Sue on 4-1-2008 at 1:56 pm
I’m with the “not reading is the only deal breaker” crowd.
I must admit that some things can cause serious doubts about the deal, though. Oddly enough, it’s less likely to be the hard-core romance readers or the Anne-Rice-is-god people so much as the ones that read particle physics or super-highbrow tomes for fun that worry me. It’s kind of like not wanting to go out to eat with someone who eats really healthily — I’m just sure they’ll look down on my fantasy/sci-fi/horror junk food, or worse, tell me in detail why I should be reading something “better for me”.
posted by Denise on 4-1-2008 at 3:32 pm
I would have to say anyone that reads “The Secret” and claims it will change my life is not at all the type of person I want in my life - keep your cult to yourself!
posted by Katie on 4-1-2008 at 3:56 pm
Watch out what you claim as a dealbreaker. I used say that I’d never date anyone who loved country music. But my current boyfriend introduced me and now, though I still prefer jazz and broadway, I at least appreciate the genre. Funny the things love makes you try.
posted by Amy on 4-1-2008 at 5:19 pm
I once went on a date with a woman who asked me on a second date, and – when I suggested the art museum – informed me that she “didn’t like art.” We did not go on that second date, mainly because I couldn’t figure out quite what that meant.
I wouldn’t say that a non-reader is a deal-breaker; I certainly dated quite a few women who fit that description, and they were lovely people.
But the woman I’m so compatible with that we’re happily engaged to be married reads as much as I do, even though are tastes are a bit different. We are so fortunate that we both love a house full-to-overflowing with books.
posted by Steph Mineart on 4-1-2008 at 7:41 pm
I give away all my books after I’m done with them, except the ones borrowed from the library.
Mild mannered respectable citizen by day, devious masked bibliophile by night.
posted by lowrads on 4-1-2008 at 11:35 pm
I don’t know if I’d go as far as to call it a deal breaker, but if I saw any books whose title starts with the words “Chicken Soup for the” I’d know that I might be about to take the bullet train to LameTown.
I had a similar problem to the Brain Candy one. It was a first date from this girl I went to high school with and she wanted to watch a movie so I picked one that I picked up the week before and loved, Happiness, by Todd Solondtz. For anybody who doesn’t know this movie or any of Solondtz’s movies, it’s a dark comedy about perversion and child molestation. Probably not the best thing I could have chosen for a first date. Needless to say there was no second date. At least it was a good way to find out that she doesn’t share my dark sense of humor.
posted by Christian on 4-2-2008 at 2:25 pm
The only time a book was a deal-breaker was in my first year of college and I was checking out the bookshelves of a guy I had a HUGE crush on, who had finally asked me out… and I saw “Dianetics.”
Yikes. Pretty never trumps crazy.
posted by Rachel on 4-5-2008 at 1:47 pm
I proposed to my wife the day she told me that Dumb and Dumber was secretly her favorite movie.
Be careful about judging people by what they read, some people read to research things they otherwise have no interest in.
Religions, almost religions, politics, etc.
posted by Tom on 4-5-2008 at 6:48 pm
I can’t think of any book, film, or album that would be an immediate deal-breaker just because the potential significant other owns it. Life’s too short to obsess about other people’s tastes. The corollary to that, though, is that a very one-dimensional book, film, or music collection might very well turn me off.
However, I must admit that once upon a time, I did have a litmus test for women I wanted to get serious about: Harold and Maude. You didn’t have to love the film, but if you couldn’t understand why I loved it, it was a pretty good bet we wouldn’t be a good match.
One day I was having a conversation with a woman I’d just met. She mentioned her love of Cat Stevens. My response was, “And now I will ask you about a movie.”
“Harold and Maude?” she said. “One of my favorites ever.”
We’ve been married three years now.
posted by Joe on 4-7-2008 at 3:34 pm
A deal breaker for me would be if someone posted a snobby message on an Internet bulletin board about how intelligent and highbrow their reading taste was, and the post contained spelling errors. *ahem*
Racism, intolerance, or a history of homicide are deal breakers for me. Whether someone likes a crappy comedian like Adam Sandler? Not so much.
It’s possible to enjoy highbrow without being intelligent and to enjoy lowbrow without being stupid. But to willfully be judgmental and closed-minded about someone based on a single book or movie they like? No wonder a lot of you are single.
posted by jojo on 4-8-2008 at 9:02 am
I was once on the flip side of that coin. I worked at a prod. company that had boxes of biographies that had been submitted for TV show consideration.
One of which was a bio on a former Price is Right girl. I took it to give to a friend as a joke, but then forget all about it. (I had already cracked myself up by taking it, so actually giving it was no longer important).
Anyway, I had a date over one night and he meandered around my apt looking over my stuff, as you do, before we headed out to dinner.
At dinner he starts peppering me with questions about my reading taste. Particularly what my “guilty” reading pleasures are. I ramble on about my fine taste in books, and what-have-you, and it’s not until years later that he finally tells me he thought I was a total idiot based on finding the Price is Right bio.
I found it touching that he didn’t cancel the date, and in fact dated me for several years after the book incident.
So I guess my point is, if a guy’s horny enough, he doesn’t really care what you’re reading. And if he’s lazy enough, he’ll keep dating your idiot ass for a really long time.
So read whatever the hell you want.
posted by Margie on 4-8-2008 at 12:14 pm
Hey, I read voraciously, and though I like to haunt the Sci-Fi genre, I have enjoyed (and I do mean enjoyed) everything from Steven King to Harlequin Romances; I have a reasonably varied library, and would consider being judged by an out-of-context selection from it absurd. Have even half the people who trash Grishom even read him? I have (I don’t trash him) and I find him to be entertaining. If I need enriching, I’ll pick up a textbook or browse through my Mathematics Encyclopedia. If I want to read a Harlequin, I’ll read it and enjoy it, thank you very much. Reading is like eating … you have your meat and vegetables, and you have your junk food. Who doesn’t enjoy a junky snack now and then (or if you have sworn off them, didn’t at one time)? As for those who do not read at all … Deal Breaker? Have you never heard of Dyslexia, or personal choice? Some people are just not wired to read, and nevertheless remain whole, enriching, vibrant and intelligent. If you want to read, why not read about how many great thinkers were illiterate for one reason or another, or just too busy doing their own thinking to wallow in the written thoughts of others. There are more ways to communicate than the written word. And haven’t you learned yet? … don’t trust everything you read! The written word can be a marvelous thing, a shedder of light, a voice of hope and unity and freedom; too often (more often than not, it seems) it is little more than useless sputtering. James Joyce’s Ulysses is often hailed as one of the greatest literate works ever created. I was taught that there are maybe seven people in the world who may truly understand it. Does owning and not understanding your copy make you a Literati, or a dupe who paid for a big fat book you will never actually complete? Wouldn’t you be better off reading The Shining, or a good cookbook? Was Joyce writing for seven people? Ha! It doesn’t matter! Ultimately, I believe he wrote it for himself, and that is sufficient. Read, don’t read it, understand it or not; whatever you do, you are more than the sum of your “Ulysses IQ”, and anyone who feels they need to Break A Deal with you over your choice to tackle Joyce or not need a rap on the knuckles.
posted by Jason on 4-10-2008 at 2:41 am
I think a major deal breaker is someone who loves a single book to no end. Anyone who is overly in love with a single book or film needs to get out.
I have however seen the red flag with someone when they told me “Oh The Stand, I just didn’t feel like finishing it” that was the first of many signs of commitment issues.
posted by Eric on 5-28-2008 at 12:32 am