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So I live in an apartment in a pretty reasonable neighborhood. But I get a constant flow of slightly weird people ringing my doorbell and wanting something, or being angry with me. Does this happen to everybody? Here’s a rundown of some recent activity:
1. Oil Change Guy – a guy in overalls who knocked *and* rang my doorbell at 5:15pm, just after I’d walked up my stairs after returning home from work (had he been waiting around for me to come home?). I walked right back down the steps and opened the door. He wanted to sell me twenty oil changes at some local shop for the low-low price of $200. The deal was, I’d give him cash and he’d give me these vaguely suspicious-looking coupons. I agreed that it was a good price, but I really didn’t expect to need twenty oil changes any time soon. And, too bad, I didn’t have any cash on me. Plus: totally sketchy. He began bargaining, bringing the price down to $150, and finally to $80 — and he wanted to walk with me to an ATM. His last line was, “That’s only four bucks per oil change, bro!” I was forced to close the door on him.
2. Angry Marketing Lady – a lady in a business suit who rang my doorbell at 7am, angrily repeating the doorbell-ringing as I jumped to put on some halfway decent clothes. When I answered the door she said: “You’re late! Jeez, I’ve been out here for ten minutes! This is not the way to start a marketing relationship.” Now, I’ve never seen this lady before in my life, and I said something to that effect. She took another look at me — with my bedhead and crumpled band tee shirt — then asked, “Is this XYZ Produce Company?” I assured her that, indeed, I was not the one late for a marketing meeting with XYZ Produce Company. She left in a huff.
3. Blanket Dude – a gentleman who rang my doorbell at midnight and asked if he could borrow a blanket. (I nearly didn’t answer the door, but figured he wouldn’t be ringing it at midnight if he didn’t need something.) I said, “You want to borrow it or have it?” He replied, “Have it.” So I gave him a blanket, he made the sign of the cross, and he went on his way.
4. “The End is Nigh” Couple – a man and woman wearing matching beige suits and holding clipboards rang my doorbell at 2pm (while I was working from home). I had been getting these pamphlets through the mail slot for several days indicating that the world would be ending circa 2011, and encouraging me to buy a book that would explain what to do about it. (As I recall, the pamphlets had a lot of full-color illustrations of deer and other woodland creatures watching a nuclear blast in the distance.) When I answered the door, I found that this couple had been leaving them, and they were determined to speak to everyone in the neighborhood about this world-ending situation. The woman said, “Would you like to learn more about the End Times?” I had to close the door as she continued with her speech.
5. The Meat Salesman – this one actually happened back in the 90’s, but it deserves a mention. I was living in Tallahassee with some school friends, and one evening this guy came to our door with a cardboard box filled with meat. Long story short, the guy claimed that he worked at some restaurant and had mistakenly ordered all this meat, and he had to sell it off pronto to avoid being fired. So his loss was our gain. He had a truck full of various kinds of meat, packed in these cardboard boxes and vacuum-sealed. My roommates proceeded to buy several hundred dollars’ worth of meat from this entrepreneur. I declined. For what it’s worth, the meat seemed okay and they did eat it all. I’m just not sure why anyone would want to buy hundreds of dollars of meat on a whim from a stranger.
So here’s my question: who has come to your doorstep unannounced? Have you had any interesting scammers come by? Also: has anything good ever come from a random visitor?
Comments (76)
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Where the hell do you live?
posted by smells like kristin on 4-9-2008 at 7:37 pm
Question that is off topic: Did you go to school at FSU?
I live in Baltimore city and certainly have had my fair share of strange people knocking on the door wanting to give me religious literature or sell me something. There is a lady who writes and distributes her own books. Every six months she knocks on doors in my neighborhood with a new novel. I finally bought one from her and read it. It wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever read but certainly wasn’t close to being good. When she came back six months later, I gave her the novel back- complete with notes and corrections of all the spelling and grammar mistakes.
posted by Viola on 4-9-2008 at 7:46 pm
Viola – yup. Library & Info Studies major.
posted by Higgins on 4-9-2008 at 7:48 pm
Kristin – Portland, Oregon.
posted by Higgins on 4-9-2008 at 7:59 pm
Last summer, I was home at my parent’s house on break. This was during an awkward time between when school ended and my summer job started, so I was home lounging around one afternoon.
The doorbell rings and it was some youngish guy (late 20s/ early 30s) wanting to talk about roofing or something like that.
This is pretty much our conversation:
Dude: Hi, I’m selling blahblahblahblah.
Me: No thanks, I don’t deal with that here.
Dude: Are you Queen of this castle?
Me: …….No. I’m home on break.
Dude: Well I’ll be walking around this neighborhood all afternoon, maybe we could keep eachother company.
Me: No. Bye.
What a creep. I wish I was witty and had thought of something to say that would make him squirm. Oh well.
posted by Laura on 4-9-2008 at 8:07 pm
I don’t usually comment here, but this story that happened almost exactly a year ago is just too good not to share. I promise, it’s 100% true.
To set the stage: I was living in a first floor apartment in a college town all by myself. I’d fallen asleep watching a movie in my living room on a Friday evening. I was anticipating waking early as I was headed off on a camping trip with some friends to celebrate my birthday the next day.
At right around 3 in the morning, I awoke with a start to the sound of my front door opening. This being a cheap apartment in a college town, the main lock only locked with the key from the outside, and the deadbolt was attached to the door’s molding. Not wanting to replace the molding in case I forgot about the lock, I never used it.
Back to the door opening. After regaining my equilibrium, I watch this girl in her underwear head off to my bathroom, as if she knew exactly where it was. I manage to weakly blurt out a “hey!” before she shuts and locks the door.
I hear the water running for about 5 minutes before the toilet flushes and she finally opens the door. I’m right there waiting for her, and tell her “I think you’re in the wrong apartment.” Then she wakes up.
Yep, she’d been sleepwalking. As soon as she opens her eyes, she says “are you sure?” And I, of course, respond that yes, I’m sure this is my apartment, and no I don’t have any roommates. I explain that she must have been sleepwalking and she asks me “Is it fun?”
I suggest she tells me, since I wasn’t the one to have had the experience. She walks back out to the living room and asks where she does live. I, unfortunately, can’t help her, not knowing who she is and all.
She gets her own equilibrium back and determines that she lives in the apartment complex across the street. Across one of the busiest streets in town (OK, it was 3 AM but it’s a college town well known for its partying – there’s still plenty of traffic out at that time). As she leaves my apartment, she says “You know, it is kinda fun!”
Yikes, that was a long story. Thanks for reading my novella.
posted by Nathan on 4-9-2008 at 8:21 pm
Funny thing, I was asked 6 times when I lived in an apartment for a couple years for the oil change bit. I have been living in my home now for about 10 months, and the steak guy was here a few days ago. Cosmic…
posted by David on 4-9-2008 at 8:26 pm
One of my favorite stories is of the time my mother got a visit from the vacuum cleaner salesman. To whit:
A guy came to our door, held up a package of paper towels and a package of cleaner and asked my mother which one she’d like, as a gift from him. She said she’d like the paper towels, he gave them to her, she thanked him.
He said he was with whatever vacuum cleaner company he was with, and tried to come in and do his demo, and she said no. So he asked for the paper towels back.
She said no. He said the paper towels were in exchange for the demo, and she pointed out that he’d given them to her as a gift.
He whined and cajoled and pleaded. Told her that his supervisor was in the van, and if he came back without doing a demo and without the paper towels, he would get in trouble. She suggested he go get his supervisor and she would explain why she wouldn’t give the paper towels back.
Finally, after several minutes of this argument, she said that he had knocked on her door, offered her paper towels as a gift, she had accepted them, and she was keeping them, and that if he didn’t go away, she was going to call everyone else in town — and it was a very small town, so that was entirely possible to do — and tell them not to let him in.
So, after just a little more cajoling, he gave in, and let her keep the paper towels. As he was leaving, he asked, ‘So now will you phone all your friends and tell them to let me in?’
She looked at him incredulously and declared, ‘I’m a busy woman, I don’t have time to make a bunch of phone calls.’
—
I like to think something good came of that visitor, after all, we have this fun story to tell people.
Also, we got paper towels.
posted by Jacquilynne on 4-9-2008 at 8:42 pm
I have met the meat man…in Yonkers, New York…and I actually bought the meat.
A couple of months ago I was minding my own business in my house when I noticed that my cat was gagging and about to throw up on the couch. I picked her up, she yarked all over me, and I walked down the stairs to the laundry room…stripped out of my nightgown and walked back up the stairs to get clean clothes. On the way up the stairs someone knocked on the door, and I answered it without thinking. Completely naked. Standing at the back door were two teenage Jehovahs girls…beet red and stammering. But they STILL gave me the whole speech. And for once I actually listened to them, just to watch them try not to look anywhere below my neck.
posted by ehme on 4-9-2008 at 8:45 pm
What is it with the steak people? A couple of years ago, I answered the door with my youngest child on my hip–he does his spcheel, I tell him “Nope, not interested, thanks anyway, good luck” and he asks me if my MOM is home! WTF! I had a under 1 year old on my hip and a 3 year old dancing around my feet–not really jump to conclusions older sister material there. Now at the time we also had a dog–a pitbull–who was doing the jumping/barking dance right next to my kid. The (brave) guy asked if he could grab a box to show me the quality. I gave a pointed look at the dog and said “probably not a good idea don’t ya think?” That being strike 2, and not wanting to wait for #3, I closed the door. Who want’s to bring a box of meat around a pitty? Blew my mind.
posted by Amanda on 4-9-2008 at 9:03 pm
Yup, the meat woman comes through every few months. She’s going door to door saying that someone canceled their order and she’s got a locker full of meat (beef/deer/lamb/pork) that’s just going to waste.
posted by Joe on 4-9-2008 at 9:29 pm
I once had a couple of missionaries show up on the doorstep asking if I had a personal relationship with Christ.
I told them all three members of the household (me, my husband and our housemate) were indeed leading spiritual lives and are all three gay. I thanked them for their interest and they said they would pray for our souls. I told them we would pray for their enlightenment and wished them a happy journey. Never seen such a befuddled look on two faces, before or since!
posted by bert baker on 4-9-2008 at 10:45 pm
Dude, what has happened to Portland? I never had anything more obtrusive than insurance salesmen knocking door to door in NE. I imagine you’re in either SE or NW. Most likely NW. heh.
Not to bash the PDX, it is the jewell of the northwest, and Vancouver is like it’s little brother.
posted by Johnny Cat on 4-9-2008 at 11:16 pm
Since I live in a former rectory, a lot of people ring my doorbell assuming a priest will answer and that my family is affiliated with the church. I have to tell them that I live in a private residence and if they’d like to speak with a priest they will have to go across the street to the OTHER church and its rectory. (Us Catholics love to build churches like they’re Starbucks, eh?)
Well, a lot of homeless people come to my door asking to speak with a priest and these are the ones who are especially hard to turn away. Mainly because they usually don’t believe me!
I wonder what people think when they ring a doorbell and a young, blonde girl in her pajamas answers the door…
posted by Mattie on 4-10-2008 at 12:08 am
Johnny Cat – I’m in SE. Right where the crazies hang out, I guess. :)
posted by Higgins on 4-10-2008 at 12:08 am
I think I remember the meat guys from the late 80’s. They are related to the speaker guys. Remember them? They drive around in a van and holler to you, asking if you need speakers. It’s the same overstock story. (Usually they are acquired in the opposite manner though. They are lifted from a store’s loading dock during a delivery.)
posted by mungley on 4-10-2008 at 12:11 am
Best post ever.
posted by Ransom on 4-10-2008 at 12:47 am
I don’t have a personal story of my own, alas! But the stories of the meat peddlers reminded me of the Tracy Morgan character in the movie Head of State. He’s a guy who shoplifts meat then sells it at city hall, the gas station, wherever.
“Yo, Who wants some MEAT?!”
This is probably only funny to me. :)
posted by Rose on 4-10-2008 at 1:02 am
I have an old, beat-up ‘93 Camry that I park in front of my house. Every six months or so I’m dead asleep at ten in the morning and my doorbell rings. I look through the peephole and see teenage kid standing there. I open the door, and the conversation is always exactly the same.
Teenager: “Hey. This car for sale?”
Me: “Wha..? No.”
Teenager: “Can I buy it?”
Me: “No. I drive it. To work and such.”
Teenager: “Cool.”
And I stagger back to bed.
One more: At eight in the morning my doorbell rang. I grabbed some clothes and answered the door. Two small children were waiting and neither one seemed to be selling anything. The spokesman was the seven year old girl.
Girl: HiI’mAshley. Haveyouseenakitty?
Me: Uh… what kind of kitty?
Girl. A prrrrrrretty one. I like your kitty. He’s really fat.
Me: Thanks?
Girl: The neighbor can’t find her kitty, so we’re searching. It’s a black and brown spotted kitty.
Me: Oh, Truffle. No, I haven’t seen her.
Girl: Okay. Your yard is like a jungle! *runs away*
Me: Er…I’ve been sick.
posted by Maggie on 4-10-2008 at 2:13 am
I went to college in Abilene before moving four hours away to Austin to teach a few years ago. Now I live on the third floor (where you would think you wouldn’t run into many random people – especially not with only 3 other doors around you) and have had three people who knew me from college knock on my door. One was selling cable, one was selling magazines, and one turned out to be living all of five feet from my door. The neighbor was actually a close friend of mine with whom I had lost touch.
posted by Logan on 4-10-2008 at 5:58 am
I just keep getting mormons at my door, like 2 a week.
They havent got the message that i am not interested yet, so i am reading up on mormonism and i am going to beat them at their own game and knock on the church door and ask them questions…
posted by Martyn on 4-10-2008 at 6:15 am
I opened my door to two little kids with rakes.
They said, “We are going around the neighborhood raking leaves.”
I looked at my yard and said, “That would be great, but it is Spring and I have no leaves to rake.”
posted by Kevin on 4-10-2008 at 6:45 am
Meat man is pretty common hereabouts, Philadelphia, PA. The guy used to come aorund were I worked, in an industrial area. He sold meet out of his trunk, frozen, packed in dry ice. We just figured it was stolen, but he had lots of steady customers. He had a whole regular route apparently.
We also had the speaker guys: “Hey bro, these are FOUR way speakers! Check it out!”
Now I live in a leafy suburb of Philly. I always invite Jevohas Witnesses and Mormoms in and ask them if they want to sit down and discuss theology. They always pass, too bad.
posted by fixedgear on 4-10-2008 at 7:11 am
What you need to do is write a post about the strangest roommates readers have ever had. I have TONS of stories about those!
posted by Viola on 4-10-2008 at 7:33 am
I have a kit prepared for people that come a knocking on my door saturday mornings… first thing I do is strip down to my underwear, grab a beer from the fridge then answer the door. Works everytime.
posted by Peter on 4-10-2008 at 8:08 am
this morning I am walking to the bus and I pass my car. I notice that someone put a business card on the window..(i first thought it was another ticket). I look up and down the street, no one else has a card on their window. So I take it off and look at it….
It’s for an Auto Body shop in town…..
OK, I KNOW that my car is a P.O.S, but I don’t need to be reminded.
posted by KC on 4-10-2008 at 8:21 am
At the time, I was a junior in college, living on the third floor of an off-campus apartment. It was Saturday at about 8am (I wasn’t planning on waking up until about 1, and you can probably guess why). My doorbell rings and I stumble around throwing on some clothes, stumble down the stairs, open the door, and it’s some lady with her little girl, probably 5-6 years old. She gives me her spiel and I chastise her for waking me at such an ungodly hour (pun intended) and slam the door in her face. I can only assume she had her kid with her so people wouldn’t curse and treat her like crap, like she deserves to be treated. F people who come to your door soliciting things.
posted by Jeff on 4-10-2008 at 8:37 am
I usually just lurk, but this one’s too good to pass up. Back when he was 17 my little brother sent in this form to get free socks from the Army. He gets the socks but an Army recruiter calls to set up a time to meet with him. My brother can’t say no to anything so the Army recruiter is coming by while my parents are at work. Well, he convinces my brother to join the army and he calls to tell my parents he’ll need them to sign a consent form. My mom flips and says no way in he11! So, he stops by the house again and my mom has to threaten to call the cops to get him to leave. But the really great part of the story is after all that, my twin brother stole the socks from my little brother. Ha! (Guess you had to be there…)
posted by Lynner on 4-10-2008 at 9:00 am
The meat guy was in Colorado Springs, Co., as well. My friend bought $300 worth of vacuum sealed steaks, and they were actually pretty good. Talk about sketchy, though…
posted by Sean on 4-10-2008 at 9:01 am
In college, a guy my age knocked on my door professing to sell encyclopedias to my roommates and me. When it was obvious we couldn’t buy the set, he proceeded to ask if we needed any weed and produced a bagful. We said we didn’t and he left with no sale (of either commodity).
Funny thing is, in that town, it seemed EVERYone who came to your door had a bag of weed for sale (in addition to their more traditional wares). One local pizza/sub shoppe was notorious for its home delivery people who ALWAYS carried a little extra something for sale.
posted by Zane on 4-10-2008 at 9:15 am
A variation on the “meat guys”- in the mid 90s, our town apprently was inundated by surplus stereo speakers. Seemed every time you’d pull up in a mall parking lot, you’d be approached by individulas who had a friend who worked at a local stereo shop. A shipment of speakers had arrived and there were more in the shipment than on the invoice. These salesmen were more than happy to pass the savings on to you.
posted by Zane on 4-10-2008 at 9:20 am
I live in what I’ll politely term “not the greatest neighborhood.” The first weekend after I moved in, around midnight, there’s a banging on the door and ringing of the doorbell.
I throw some clothes on, but not my glasses, and go to the door. When I open it, there’s a man standing at the back edge of my porch, holding up his shirt and doing a slow spin while professing to me that he had no weapons on him. This, apparently, is a necessary precursor to door-to-door begging in my neighborhood.
I couldn’t immediately understand what the man was requesting, but I eventually realized that he was requesting “three dollars and fifty-eight cents so I can get a plug.” His story was that he was short $3.58 to buy a plug for his deflated tire on his car at the gas station the next block over.
I was originally under the impression that he was requesting $3.58 “so he could get employed.” Confusing.
Anyway, he didn’t get any money. What he did do, though, was come back with the exact same story and the exact same amount of money requested almost exactly a month later. When I reminded him that it didn’t work the last time around, he denied having ever met me.
Fun times.
posted by Jeremy on 4-10-2008 at 9:30 am
I lived in a four-plex a couple of years ago. One of my upstairs neighbors was a crack whore. I had just gotten home from a bar and into bed. A knock at the door gets me out of bed. I open the door and it’s the crack whore asking me for $7.49 cents so she can go buy a burger. I had no money on me – I had just gotten home from a bar.
posted by Jeff on 4-10-2008 at 9:50 am
I’ve heard this story a few times from coworkers, although it’s never happened to me:
In the winter, they’ll get a knock on the door – it’s a kid who has ALREADY shoveled snow from the driveway or sidewalk. “That’ll be $20, please,” they say.
I’m not sure if they really expect to get paid, but I’m totally capable of shoveling my own snow. I guess I’d give them $10 if they did a better job than I would have…
posted by TomH on 4-10-2008 at 9:51 am
I have a “No Soliciting” sign on my front door. Whenever someone comes around trying to sell something, I interrupt and ask them to read the sign. I then ask if they understand what the sign means. If they do, I ask why they chose to ignore the sign and proceed to lecture them about this.
However, I have a thing for Mormons. I love chatting with them and pointing out the flaws of their religion. I have yet to understand why their proselytization plan always seems to involve teenagers, whom couldn’t fully explain the Pythagorean theorem, never mind debate the intricacies of their religion.
posted by Florida on 4-10-2008 at 10:02 am
We usually get door-to-door carpet cleaners or water testers trying to sell us stuff.
I got someone recently who was supposedly from a security company trying to sell us a security system. When I told him we already had one installed when we built the house he started asking a lot of nosy questions that got my guard up. He asked me who our security system was through. I replied, “Smith & Wesson”. He left…
posted by Jason! on 4-10-2008 at 10:19 am
Several years ago I lived in an old townhouse (which had apparently been navy officer’s housing in the distant past, but had, alas, seen much better days) that faced out onto the busiest street in my area. About once a month, there would be a tapping on my living room window, and the following scene would occur:
Guy at the window: “Raoul?”
Me: “He’s gone.”
Guy: “Gone?”
Me: “Yes.” I move to shut the window.
Guy: “… You got any?”
Me: “NO.”
Guy: “Nothing?”
Me: *slam*
The person who lived there before me was an old lady, so I can only assume that Raoul’s ‘clients’ were a little behind the times.
posted by Lilly on 4-10-2008 at 10:23 am
We used to live in the city where we’d get magazine salesmen, people wanting us to donate to save every person on the planet, people wanting us to sign petitions to fix the water quality, oil change dudes…once a guy wanted to paint my address number on the curb…now that we live in the country, NO ONE bothers us…its rather pleasant…
posted by donner on 4-10-2008 at 11:01 am
Last summer and teenaged guy came up to our door wanting us to order magazines. We refused and he went on to plead with us to “just help a brutha out.” When it became obvious that we weren’t buying any subscriptions, he starting making small talk. Only it was a bit creepy because he started asking questions about our MartinLogan speakers in the living room and about my VW’s in the driveway. He even asked how much they were worth. I just knew I’d wake up in morning to an empty driveway. But apparently he was harmless.
posted by Lauren on 4-10-2008 at 11:05 am
My aunt lived in Phenoix, AR for a while and mormons kept coming by her house trying to convert her and her family. Everytime it was the same people. They would walk up and say “Are you LDS” and try their stuff and she would say no thank you we are methodist but that didn’t make them go away. so she started to answer “no I don’t do drugs” when they asked if she was LDS. at first they were confused and then one whispered to the other and they stomped off. they didnt come back for a long time after that. maybe i’m the only one that thinks thats funny but I understand my aunt can be a pretty not so PC lady.
posted by Sambo on 4-10-2008 at 11:17 am
The other side of my duplex used to be lived in by two girls that were prostitutes and a guy who sold crack. It was a fairly constant source of door step strangeness. The funniest was the crackhead guy who came to the door just as we were going out it to go to our car to go to work. He had a regular wired, corded, house phone disconnected from the wall in his hand. He looks at us and goes “Hey Man, you know anything about cell phones? I just can’t seem to get this one to work”. Apparently, one of the other crackheads had sold it to him and told him it was a cell phone and he believed it. I would have thought the wires dragging like 3 feet behind it would have been a clue that it wasn’t a cell phone.
All the time, like at least once a month, one of the crackheads from next door would come to the door and try and sell us something, like a vcr or musical equipment, or a set of pots and pans, or a camera, you never knew what they might be offering, but the asking price was always 20 bucks. Regardless of what the merchandise was or what it was worth. My best guess is that 20 bucks was the price of the merchandise next door, either the ladies of the evening or the drugs.
posted by Melissa on 4-10-2008 at 11:19 am
Bible thumpers all the time. And they want you to commit to coming to their church on the spot! It’s funny, b/c I don’t see them going to the neighbors house. They drive to my house and talk to me about the son and father…I now hide out on the back deck from them.! Oh, I don’t think there is anything wrong with church, but one no should be enough, right? And I do live in the south, so it should be expected.
posted by karissa on 4-10-2008 at 11:43 am
Tried to post a few minutes ago, and it disappeared… oh well, I’ll try again… apologies if it turns up twice. Years ago, I was resident manager of an apartment complex in Minneapolis. One day a young woman came to my door, inquiring about renting an apartment. Nothing unusual there. I showed her the vacant unit, she filled out a lease application, and left. The application was not approved (no red flag there either; it happens).
Fast forward a couple of months – suddenly I am getting collection letters from a magazine clearinghouse. It seems the young woman was supposed to be selling subscriptions, and had signed me up for several – none of which I wanted, and none of which ever arrived. And I would never have known who was behind it, except that she used her own name when she filled out the lease app. I wonder how many others she scammed…
posted by Mama9cats on 4-10-2008 at 12:10 pm
This is why living in a gated community is nice ;).
But the Mormon thing reminds me of a professor I had in college who taught religion. He thought it was hilarious to invite religious people in and then debate them until their heads were spinning.
posted by CK on 4-10-2008 at 12:41 pm
Here in the Rockford area we have a “legit” company that sells meat from the back of trucks. Its called Direct USA, they ALWAYS have an ad in the paper looking for “route drivers” it is 100% commission, and YOU pay for gas in their truck (which has a freezer in the back) as you can guess its not a popular job, so they will always try to disguise the job in the paper. but they do have really good meat though…
I too moved into a craptastic ‘hood a few years ago. Only to find out that my little hole in the wall apartment had been home to many *many* drug dealers. The cops raided it and sold it off; I rented it from the new owner.
For 2 months I had a steady stream of crackies knocking on doors, windows, walls you name it… I came up with some very creative ways to mess with these people after awhile. (my neighbor across the street was a major jerk, so many times I would send them over there and tell them to use different code words like “the word is you have a little ****” or “I am looking to score some earwax” and many other things like that.
I finally put up a ton of signs all over that this was no longer a drug house, it didn’t work… we moved, quickly.
In another place I lived (this time a real good neighborhood) I was sitting on my porch one summer evening and this truck comes barreling around the corner squawking tires and such and all of a sudden whips into my driveway, the driver gets out and bolts into my backyard, the passenger runs up and sits right next to me and says “Hey man, we know each other… know what I mean?” right about that time I look over and about 4 cop cars come whippin around the same corner with full lights and sirens and flying into my driveway as well!!!
They all get out and a few of em run to my backyard and the others start giving my “new found friend” the third degree, he looks at them and says “I don’t know what your talking about, I was just sitting here with Bob (points at me) when this truck pulled up. The cop looks at me, looks at him and said, nice try but this aint bob (The cop and I knew each other from some past… “incidents”) so they immediately cuffed em and stuffed em.
A few minutes later they haul this bloody sack of meat in cuffs from my back yard, a bloody sack of meat that 2 minutes earlier was the driver of the truck.
Long story not so short… I guess the guy almost killed someone or something… and the cops had been chasing him for a few miles and ended up trying their hardest to bust my chops for aiding and embedding!!!
whew… and to think I have a ton more where that came from!!! I should write a book or something…
posted by Rodney on 4-10-2008 at 1:08 pm
12 am, my house, I’m watching TV. Someone knocks on my door and I say, “who is it?” without opening it. “Uh … it’s the school board!” the slightly slurred answer.
I didn’t open it to find out what the school board was doing on my porch, at 12 am, drunk. Kind of scary at the time, but funny later.
posted by Mary on 4-10-2008 at 1:08 pm
When I was a kid I was home alone and some guy came to the door selling carpet cleaner. I told him my parents weren’t home but he was undeterred. He came in and had this little packet of a mud-like substance that he put on the carpet. Then he whips out his carpet cleaner and puts it on the dirty spot and it didn’t work. He left and my mom never believed my story about the black spot on the carpet. It was there for years.
posted by Fremont on 4-10-2008 at 1:31 pm
I grew up in New Orleans where we got everything above mentioned. Even the kids that would wash your car without asking and then demand you pay them. You had to keep an eye on your car just to shoe them away when they start.
The meat men– all the time.
Now I live in Portland,OR and I just get religious freaks and Sierra Club(same thing?). But they probably see the steps to our front door and decide not to.
posted by Ella Blue on 4-10-2008 at 1:39 pm
This didn’t happen to me but get this:
I lived in San Antonio in the 80’s and read a newspaper story. Seems a lady who lived very close to where I was staying had a very unwelcome visitor. As the homeowner approached the door, a woman began stabbing through her screen door with an ice pick. She reached the inhabitant and contined stabbing. She stabbed her until the pick broke off and continued beating the woman with the handle, til death. After all this, she realized she had gotten the wrong house…
posted by PT on 4-10-2008 at 1:57 pm
When I was in college, my roommates and I lived in a less than desirable part of town. One night, around 2 am (being college students, we were still up), some guy knocks on the door. When we answer, he feeds us some story about having come to town on Amtrak (mind you we lived nowhere near the train station), and he’d lost his cash for a taxi to his friend’s house. He wanted to know if he could borrow our phone and a phonebook to call them. We handed him the phone, shut and locked the door. A few minutes later, he knocks again and tells us that his friend wasn’t home, could he please sleep on our back porch? Wha… NO!! He even tried showing us his “ID” to prove he was telling the truth – except for the small fact that the picture on the ID was obviously not him, and it wasn’t issued in the state he purported to be from. We couldn’t get rid of him, so we told him the guys across the street might be willing to help, shut the door, and promptly called the police.
A more recent tale – the husband and I are renting a house from a Korean lady who currently lives out of state. About once a month, we’ll get a knock on the door, and when we answer, the person will look surprised and say something like “You’re not Korean” and leave. One woman did ask if we had the landlord’s address, though.
posted by Jenn on 4-10-2008 at 2:03 pm
Mormons. I out-talked them once. I was in college at a neighbor’s house and they came by knocking. I invited them in, offered them a beer, and talked religion with them for about three hours. Ever the drunker with each beer I downed. By the end of the night it was them asking to leave and me asking them to keep talking! (my dad was a preacher and versed us well in the bible)
The flip side of this: in New Orleans once I met an old black man who asked me to come in his house “to see something.” I honestly thought he was going to try to sell me crack and I thought it would be an interesting story to tell folks. I asked my buddy to come by just for safety’s sake. He kept saying, “I want to tell you something..but I don’t know how.” Over and over and over. Again, I thought it was drug related until my friend said, “Do you want to tell him you’re homosexual and you want to have sex with him?” The man all of a sudden had the guiltiest look on his face and replied softly: “yeah.” talk about a WHAT THE F*#$ moment. He kept saying, “I have a big black cock.” We got out of there FAST.
Another interesting event: I’m in Beaumont, TX taking piano lessons from a music major there. He randomly, and wierdly, stopped by my house once. We hung out and I showed him my playboy collection. He called me the next week and said he couldn’t be my teacher because, “I made him want to do things he promised god he would never do again.” I thought maybe he was super religious and the playboys set him off. but no….HE USED TO BE GAY!!! AND HE WANTED TO TAKE A RIDE ON THE TOMMY EXPRESS!! I told him I understood and that was the last time we spoke. creepy. sad too, because he was a really good piano teacher.
posted by Tommy on 4-10-2008 at 2:07 pm
I know I just posted, but this happened to my roommate…the same guy who accompanied me into the homosexual geriatric black man’s apartment. He came home soused one night and accidentally went into our neighbor’s house. We lived in a patio home community in College Station so it was easy to confuse houses. He thought he was at our house so he went straight to their refridgerator and began rummaging through it for food. They sat in the living room watching him until he turned around, saw them, said “hello” and stumbled back to our house. He still doesn’t remember any of it.
posted by tommy on 4-10-2008 at 3:02 pm
There are a bunch of posts about Mormons. Since I am a Mormon who served a proselytizing mission, perhaps I can give you some incites from the other side of the door.
First, Mormon missionaries feel strongly about sharing their message, but going door-to-door is their least favorite way to find someone to teach. Chances are they would rather not be knocking on your door, but as long as there is nobody to teach at the moment, they will.
Here is a story that I thought was hilarious from my own door-to-door experience: A few hours into my first day as a missionary, I was already bored of asking every person the same question. I decided to invent my own approach for variety’s sake. I meant to ask a probing meaning-of-life question like, “Why do you think we humans are here on Earth?” Instead I said, “Why are we here?” The lady at the door cocked her head sideways and replied, “I don’t know. WHAT ARE you doing here?” My more experienced companion was doubled over laughing at me. I mumbled a few more forgettable words and we left the doorstep while he tried to compose himself.
posted by MormonGuy on 4-10-2008 at 3:12 pm
My favorite (strange) visitors around here are the door-to-door –get this– real estate agents.
We’ve had at least one that was so desperate for a commission, he (or his company?) left a jar of apple butter and a pamphlet on our porch instead of the usual pamphlets and business cards.
posted by ACute Angle on 4-10-2008 at 3:20 pm
Martyn: It is highly unlikely that the Mormons would visit several times a week. The missionaries are highly organized and they keep detailed records of where they have been. They don’t knock on the same door more than once a year (unless you showed some interest; which guarantees a return visit). Perhaps it is another group that you are mistaking for Mormons? And, they would love it if you showed up at their building to discuss church stuff.
Fixedgear: Every Mormon missionary I ever met would love to come in and discuss theology with you. I am baffled that they would turn you down. Are you asking nicely?
Florida: They all seem to be teenagers because they must begin their two-year mission between the ages of 19-24. I completed several Engineering semesters before serving my church. One of my colleagues had a masters in Physics. So, not all of us are ignorant of the Pythagorean theorem; some can discus Schrödinger’s Cat with you.
Sambo: I cannot imagine a Mormon being offended by the LDS/LSD pun. In fact, I make that joke all of the time. Every Mormon I know thought that it was hilarious when Captain Kirk made that gaff in Star Trek IV.
Tommy: Mormon Missionaries are instructed to not stay for more than an hour. It really is difficult to maintain a teaching environment for longer than that. I am sure that talking to the inebriated doesn’t help any either.
posted by MormonGuy on 4-10-2008 at 3:30 pm
MormonGuy – thank you for posting! I really appreciate the perspective of someone who has actually gone door-to-door. Yay for internet dialogue.
posted by Higgins on 4-10-2008 at 3:42 pm
Phew! I was just afraid reading that that *I* might be on the list (I live four blocks away from Higgins and am normally a WELCOME visitor…I hope!).
posted by Lyza on 4-10-2008 at 4:12 pm
I grew up in a nice part of DC, so we never really got anyone too weird. There was one time, though, a guy comes up to our door and *begs* for a wire coat hanger. We at first refused, but he kept on begging, so we finally gave in. He never mentioned he needed it to secure his muffler to his car, which came off when he was driving.
posted by Silva on 4-10-2008 at 4:17 pm
Rodney,
what exactly were you accused of embedding?
;)
posted by the creature on 4-10-2008 at 4:43 pm
There’s this girl scout that comes around every year, takes my cookie order and never shows up again!
I fall for it every year.
I guess I’m lucky I haven’t been asked to buy meat or jesus.
posted by natalie on 4-10-2008 at 5:36 pm
I am not a “neighbor friendly” person. I do not associate with my neighbors and dread a knock on the door. That being said, I moved into an apartment that had been lived in by a young guy who partied alot and dealt a bit of dope. The first two weeks were interupted almost everyday and night by people knocking looking for a party or weed. Sometimes the same people every couple days. Well, after working a double shift and JUST settling into bed there was a pounding on my door. You could tell the person was pounding with both hands. I had had enough. I opened the door really fast and stuck a 9mm in this morons face and yelled WHAT??? He stuttered and stammered and managed to say “is B B B Bill here?” before he peed himself in my hall. No more knocks on my door as word very quickly must have spread. I was also known from then on as “The one with the gun” by other neighbors. 4 yrs later as I was moving out an older lady that lived downstairs said she was very sorry to see me go as the building was so very peaceful with me there.
posted by Doug on 4-10-2008 at 6:48 pm
Thanksgiving morning about 20 years ago someone was BANGING on my front door. I heard it while in the shower and thought based on the BANGING that there was some sort of emergency. Dripping and wrapped in a towel, I opened the door to find 2 Jehovah Witness ladies, who began their speil with “oh, is it a bad time?”
I live in Tampa and have seen people selling seafood from big coolers in parking lots. Not exactly where I’d buy.
We also have the Scientolofreaks asking if we want to take a personality test.
posted by Lynne on 4-10-2008 at 6:53 pm
I don’t have a funny story, but can I just applaud your use of Monty Python?
“Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!”
posted by Kate on 4-10-2008 at 8:22 pm
census taker from hell-
we had a pre-census taker/guy knock on our door for days in a row. my boyfriend was working afternoons, and i work nights- so i wouldn’t get out of bed to answer.
so he started leaving notes.
“pretty please?!”
“just fill it out, and i’ll leave you alone.”
and finally one day he started POUNDING on the door- “I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE!!!”
i never did open the door. i peeked through the peephole, and that guy was as scary as he looked.
i almost applaud hannibal lector for the whole “eating the census taker” thing.
posted by Em on 4-11-2008 at 6:35 am
We once had a guy come to the door after dark trying to sell cigarettes. I just said, “No thanks,” but he apparently alarmed some other neighbor enough that the police rounded him up a little further down the block.
posted by Average Jane on 4-12-2008 at 9:30 am
My parents had the meat door-to-door thing, and they bought the stuff. The story was someone else ordered it, then refused it ‘it would just go to waste!!!’
It was actually delivered, but it was the worst quality rubbish you’d imagine.
My father had to buy another whole freezer to hold the junk, and at first he had visions of steak every night – that soon segued into disappointment.
Each ‘finest quality steak’ was a meat hockey puck – that poor cow must’ve had the toughest life.
My mother ended up running each steak through a grinder to make hamburger, it was still rubbish quality.
My parents were not very clever. My dad blew all my college money on a shady investment….
posted by Dianne on 4-12-2008 at 10:11 am
AT&T.
They first sent a rep out walking door-to-door through the neighborhood pitching their bundling service (phone, DSL, cable TV).
I sent the guy away and he returned a couple of days later.
I sent him away again, and he returned – this time with a second guy – this time asking for my wife (apparently the lady of the house is an easier sell?)
We closed the door on them in mid-pitch, and then cancelled our AT&T long-distance service.
For being in the communication business, they sure seem to have a hard time hearing.
posted by Some Guy from Chicago on 4-16-2008 at 1:25 pm
We lived in a big old house when I was growing up, the same relative position on an intersection as the big old house one block away that was a funeral parlor. So of course it happened a few times over the years that someone would just walk in the front door (this was a small town, the door was rarely locked) looking for the dear departed. It was always hard to say which of us was more befuddled, the stranger standing in our living room or us. Once a little old lady was puzzled to encounter my sister, bopping through the house in her shorts, and inquired where the body was. My sister showed her into the kitchen and opened the refridgerator.
posted by lil' cat on 4-16-2008 at 7:10 pm
Since my family lives out in the country now, we don’t get door-to-door people anymore…but I grew up in Henderson, NV (suburb of Vegas) and there was one usually once a week or so.
One memorable occasion, I was about eleven, and I answered the door one night. There was a woman there who was absolutely SLOSHED. She could barely stand up and her speech was horribly slurred. She asked for someone who either lived somewhere else or hadn’t lived in that house in seven years, since we’d bought it seven years before.
But my favorite story involves the Mormon missionaries when I was about ten. For those of you unfamiliar with them, they are always quite nicely dressed, in a suit and tie, and with a briefcase of tracts. However, my parents had been studying Mormonism for several years at this point. My dad had even begun working on a book about the flaws in Mormonism. So, both my parents were extremely capable in rebutting their arguments and asking them about things their religion believed that even they were fairly clueless about (like the view, as held by the LDS church until a couple decades ago, that black people were the children of Satan). My mom was the one talking to them, and at one point, she turned her back for just a second, and they both turned and ran. Quite literally, ran. The ties flew back over their shoulders and flapped as they ran down our driveway. Funniest sight I’d ever seen in my life; they were there all of three minutes. Needless to say, my sisters and I were very excited whenever we saw the Mormon missionaries in our neighborhood, because we wanted to see it happen again, but apparently they had us down as a hostile house, because they never came back. Shame…
posted by Kate on 4-16-2008 at 9:35 pm
One time I had a guy from an electrical company knock on my door to ask me if I would consider transferring over to them. Thing is, I was already with their company and told him this. He asked me if I was sure, to which I said I was perfectly sure, thankyouverymuch. He then asked if I was absoluitely sure, because ’some people don’t know what company they’re with,’ and to ask if he could see a copy of my bill to make sure.
I asked him if he and the company he represented thought I was so incredibly stupid that I didn’t know who I was paying each quarter for my electricity, and kept yelling til he figured it’d be easier to just leave.
Another tale from the Mormon side of things.. one morning, about 9am, one of the bastards knocked on my door, waking me up. I opened the door and just stared at him while he went through his pitch, then kept staring for about three minutes while he trailed off and asked me if I could hear him, assuming I might have been deaf. All of a sudden, I snarled and leapt at my solid iron grate door like a crazy man, making him leap out of his skin and high-tail it away.
The second time I had a Mormon knock, I spent five minutes asking him where he got my details, who asked him to come here and saying things like “I’m sorry – you’ve got the wrong house. Are you sure you’re not looking for number 19? THey might have ordered what you’re selling. But I don’t recall ordering any religion.. I called for pizza last night, but never asked for any cults.” I’d then pretend to call someone on my mobile phone and ask ‘friends’ “Hey, James.. did you order any Mormons? Yeah, there’s one here now. You don’t sign up for any? Look, mate, I’m sorry but no one here signed up to join your cult” while the poor guy got flustered trying to explain that it was unsolicited.
posted by Nerdfury on 4-17-2008 at 3:17 am
I don’t get many door-to-door people, but I have a car-to-car story. In college, I had to drive one of the Illinois tollways to get to my parents house. One time I stopped at one of the oases over the tollway to use the restroom. As I was getting back into my car, I was approached by a man and child with a sob story about how his car broke down and he needed money to get back to Green Bay. I didn’t give him any. A few months later, I stopped at the same oasis and I was approached by the same guy with the same story!.
posted by Kristin on 4-17-2008 at 9:26 am
i was renting an apartment in a large house (it was a ‘granny suite) and in my apartment was a door leading to the rest of the house (locked at all times). the woman who owned the house was also renting a room out to an unfavourable kinda guy (financially, intellectually and physically unattractive guy).
late one night, i was woken by my dog barking. i could then hear a light knocking. i went to the front door – nothing. but the knocking (and the barking) continued. turns out the knocking was coming from the door that led to the rest of the house. i walk over and said “yes”. it was the boarder and he wanted to come in and ask me something. i told him it was the middle of the night and i was not letting him in. he insisted he really needed to ask me something. i told him to just ask through the door. finally he said, and i quote word for cheesy word “do you want to make love to me”?
after i recovered from the shock and the inner laughter i said “are you f*#$en kidding me?”. he said no, and that he really wanted to “make love to me”. after some begging, he got the hint and whispered “please don’t tell barb (the owner of the house”. of course i told her. she was a single woman living with this creep. she tried to evict him, but he wouldn’t go. finally she had to call the police to have him removed!
posted by manon on 4-18-2008 at 12:25 pm
I have a two dogs; one a collie that barks at ANYTHING and the other a german shepherd that has scared it’s fair share of unwelcome visitors off the front porch. If they ignore the barking, and the no soliciting sign, they get the point to the ear while mouthing I can’t hear you and a glance to the sign with a prompt slammed door in their face.
One guy had the balls to do this at 9 in the morning though. My parents are at work and little sibling at school and I’m only 4 hours into sleeping. I was far from happy, especially because he had the audacity to ring the doorbell until someone answered. The dogs were still groggy, therefore not as terrifying as usual. I threw on some clothes real quick and I believe the look on my face was enough to scare him away.
posted by Darcy on 5-12-2008 at 1:03 am
This one isnt a person coming to my door, but she did come up to me…. and it happened to day so it’s still fresh enough that i want to tell someone.
My final exam for was today, and i was finished early. I left the school by myself, and as i was crossing the parking lot, this lady came up to me with a camera and a notebook. She said she was with the local small town newspaper, and wanted to ask me what i was going to do this somewhere. So i (in probably my only moment i have ever had where i just had to say it) told her i was going to hire myself out as a male prostitute in the city. I told her i had the best corner already marked out. She asked me why, and i told her that i needed a summer job and my friend had done it last summer, and that when school started, could could shove a pop bottle in his… behind. Here is where she got kinda nervous, and asked if i was going to hire myself out to males or females. I told her that i wasn’t sure, but their are alot of rich males who like a change every once in awhile…
posted by redopz on 6-20-2008 at 7:56 pm
The best door-to-door I’ve ever had was two ten year old entrepreneurs selling ‘tadpoles-with-legs’. For just 50 cents, you could watch at tadpole develop into your very own pet frog. For a dollar you could get two, plus free water weed. I bought two, and they scooped them out of a bucket of water in a plastic cup.
I found out later that they lived down the street, and had started a ‘frog-farm’ in their bedroom without telling their mum. They were under orders to dispose of their entire stock within a day or it would be flushed.
posted by Lost on 7-11-2008 at 11:37 am
In attempt to be green I mow my lawn with a manual mower. Someone offers to mow it for me with their mower evertime I use it.
With the near constant rain we’ve had this year the lawn grew really fast and I couldn’t keep up. After a particularlly long stretch of rain I had to trim to height with a trimmer prior to moweing. I was exhausted after doing this for 3 hours and all I had left was the long easement between the sidewalk and the street. I was approached by an African guy with a mower offering to finish the job for $4 so he could get gas to refill his mower. I paid up front and he left his mower in my driveway and returned an hour later. He fiddled with it for an hour unable to get it to start then he pulled my manual mower out and attempted to use it. He then came to the door offered me his drivers license and told me he would be back tomorrow to finish it. I took done his info and said ok.
MIDNIGHT I wake to a mower. I look out the window and shake my head at his stupidity and think he’ll be done soon.
TWO and half HOURS LATER he is still mowing! He did the whole yard? I just mowed it that afternoon! (I now use a gas mower. It only takes me 40 minutes. I still don’t know what took him so long)
The next morning I see he mowed my vegtable and butterfly gardens.
Steaming mad I rehearse in my head all day the rant I plan to give him when he shows up that evening inevitably asking for more money. It went something along the lines of… I should have called the police for the disturbance last night and he should pay me for the damages to my gardens and I would magnamiously offer to pay for a 2nd gallon of gas to send him on his way.
HE did come back, begging for $30 or his friend who he borrowed the mower from would kill him. I gave him the rehearsed rant as I walked him to the property line, handed him the $4 and walked back into the house and locked the door. whew!
I’ve been wanting to tell that story for weeks.
posted by Stonewar on 9-17-2008 at 2:38 pm