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If you missed our interview with David Pratt, author of the new book The Impossible Takes Longer: The 1,000 Wisest Things Ever Said by Nobel Prize Laureates, go check it out and then come on back because today, we’re giving away a copy to one creative reader. Here’s how to win the book:
Come up with a clever, witty, fake quote and attribute it to a notable person (real, mythological, fictitious, it’s up to you). For instance, what if the great mathematician Archimedes (of “Eureka!” fame), had said this one night after a satisfying meal with his wife:
“For dessert, can I slice you up a nice approximation of pi?”
We’ll pick 10 finalists and let you guys vote up the most original. That’s all there is to it. May the wittiest faux-quote win!
98% of all statistics are made up. - Bureau of Labor and Statistics
posted by Jud on 5-28-2008 at 6:59 am
“The fauxest quote does not remain faux for long.”
- Lotza J. Potatohead
posted by ferretface on 5-28-2008 at 6:59 am
Holla. -Alexander Graham Bell
posted by W. Davis on 5-28-2008 at 7:24 am
I do*. -Liz Taylor
posted by W. Davis on 5-28-2008 at 7:30 am
John Napier: “That’s a nice cabin you got in your divorce. I derive that it is made of actual logs?”
Brook Taylor: “Naturally.”
John Napier: “You sure did pull one over your ex.”
posted by Ellen on 5-28-2008 at 7:52 am
A tight polyester suit covered with bedazzled beads - that’s the way to stay cool in this Vegas heat.
-Elvis Presley
posted by Joe Ryan on 5-28-2008 at 7:53 am
The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Unless of course, there are stairs.
-Stephen Hawking
posted by Joe Ryan on 5-28-2008 at 7:56 am
How about “Let them eat cake.”
Classic example.
posted by Steve on 5-28-2008 at 7:56 am
“I don’t want a man with a million dollars, I’d rather have a million men with a dollar each” - Mae West
posted by Richard D. on 5-28-2008 at 7:57 am
A kite is truly the key to discovering the electrical properties of lightning.
-Ben Franklin
posted by Joe Ryan on 5-28-2008 at 7:59 am
“Hunh?” - Mangesh
posted by QT314159265 on 5-28-2008 at 8:05 am
I am investigating the notion that our friends and spouses are just as often *chosen* for us as our selecting them ; this has already been shown as the way in which we receive our parents/brothers/sisters/etc - the theory of relativity!
-Albert Einstein
(married to his first cousin maternally/second paternally)
posted by Amy on 5-28-2008 at 8:28 am
4 out of 5 doctors agree that the 5th doctor is an idiot. - Hippocrates
posted by Drew on 5-28-2008 at 8:32 am
Oops!
The above quote should actually read -
I am investigating the notion that our friends and spouses are just as often *PRE-DETERMINED* for us as our selection of them ; this has already been shown as the way in which we receive our parents/brothers/sisters/etc - the theory of relativity!
-Albert Einstein
(married to his first cousin maternally/second paternally)
posted by Amy on 5-28-2008 at 8:33 am
“If we we didn’t have family, we wouldn’t need friends”
Oscar Wilde
posted by Thomas on 5-28-2008 at 8:35 am
Illiterate? Write this address.
The Ad Council
posted by Anne on 5-28-2008 at 8:45 am
“As if.”
Oscar Wilde
posted by Sarah on 5-28-2008 at 8:57 am
Although I am not fond of bearing the name ‘Herman’, I am nevertheless relieved that my parents decided against their original inclination to call me Ishmael.
Herman Melville
posted by Amy on 5-28-2008 at 9:00 am
I am so hungry I could eat a cow!
Gandi
posted by Dan on 5-28-2008 at 9:00 am
“I think I’ll write a book about a new wave girl mixed up in a crazy town. It’ll be a devilishly good time” - Nathaniel Hawthorne
posted by Eric on 5-28-2008 at 9:07 am
Wherever egos, Id go !
Sigmund Freud
posted by Amy on 5-28-2008 at 9:08 am
“I like boats” Herman Melville
posted by Eric on 5-28-2008 at 9:10 am
Roads? Where we’re going we don’t need roads.
-Ted Kennedy
P.s. my reCaptcha words are “fierce question”
posted by B on 5-28-2008 at 9:26 am
“Mission Accomplished.”
-Gen. Robert E. Lee, Bull Run, July 1861
posted by Brent on 5-28-2008 at 9:31 am
This is my letter
to the world: Be wary of
candy from strangers.
posted by Ellen on 5-28-2008 at 9:52 am
I apologize - previous comment was from Emily Dickinson.
posted by Ellen on 5-28-2008 at 9:57 am
“My bad … I could swear the Magic 8 Ball read ‘My sources say North!’”
posted by Amy on 5-28-2008 at 10:11 am
Above ‘attributed’ to George Armstrong Custer
posted by Amy on 5-28-2008 at 10:14 am
“Atchoo, Brute.” – Julius Caesar, having caught a cold from his so-called friend
“Sonar, so good.” – dolphin
“First!” – Adam
“No one bothered to tell me the definition of ‘omnipotent’ until it was too late.” – Satan
“More glockenspiel!” – Brian Wilson
“Always cover up when it’s cold outside.” – Richard Nixon
posted by Southpaw Jones on 5-28-2008 at 10:18 am
“I didn’t ask if my tongue was hanging out! Were my eyes closed?” – Einstein
“Did I say that out loud? No, I guess not.” - Helen Keller
“I wish I could do something about this burning sensation I am getting when I urinate.” – Alexander Fleming
“To understand the universe, all you need is time to think and a comfortable chair.” – Stephen Hawking
posted by Aaron Lynch on 5-28-2008 at 10:27 am
That little seamstress remained so brave and did not lose her head despite the gravity of her situation… oh wait, she has - as will I!
Sydney Carton, A Tale of Two Cities
posted by Amy on 5-28-2008 at 10:31 am
The wolf fur is simply so much more luxurious! - Little Red, on replacing her trademark riding hood.
posted by Lisa H on 5-28-2008 at 10:39 am
“I’ve got a gut feeling about this…”
Harry Houdini
posted by Amy on 5-28-2008 at 10:48 am
“If there’s anything I can’t stand the smell of….It’s something that stinks”
Peppy Le Pew
posted by Dana Thomas on 5-28-2008 at 10:52 am
Dead men tell no tales… but they sure are tasty! - Jeffrey Dahmer
posted by John on 5-28-2008 at 10:52 am
“Madam, I’m atom.” - Democritus at an ancient Greek singles bar
posted by Paul on 5-28-2008 at 10:59 am
“The fastest way to a mans heart is not always through his stomach.”
-Gandi
posted by Jason on 5-28-2008 at 11:04 am
You won’t get pregnant if you use your head.
Kama Sutra
posted by Resse on 5-28-2008 at 11:08 am
“Luke I am your…oh, never mind, you’ll figure it out soon enough.” Darth Vader
“Party? Who has time to party Paris? I’ve got to study for my entrance exams to Harvard.” Lindsay Lohan
posted by beth on 5-28-2008 at 11:10 am
Half or all divorced people in America are women.
Dr. Phil
posted by Dana on 5-28-2008 at 11:17 am
Zig Ziglar…Speaking on Success:
Nothing Succeeds like a Parakeet without a beak!
posted by Dana on 5-28-2008 at 11:23 am
Down the street there is a store,
In which works our friendly grocer.
That grocer is ugly and I’ll say more;
That grocer is gross and grows grosser and grosser!
Piggly Wiggly
posted by Resse on 5-28-2008 at 11:32 am
“Dam”
-Herbert Hoover, after finding out he’d have to choose a type of giant public works to be named for him
posted by Stu on 5-28-2008 at 11:33 am
“Love is a battlefield.”
-Jane Austen
posted by Megan on 5-28-2008 at 11:39 am
Perhaps some of the lyrics of “Lily’s Eyes” (written for the musical ‘The Secret Garden’) could be adapted to be sung by SNAPE in a musical version of ‘Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows’ :
“He has her eyes… he has my Lily’s green eyes… those eyes that loved another - never me… those eyes that never saw me, never knew I longed to hold her close…”
posted by music_lover@bellsouth.net on 5-28-2008 at 11:40 am
“Free the slaves? But only in areas that I no control over. And, that will make me an icon of freedom. Who’d believe that I freed any slaves at all? No one is that dumb!”
“Honest” Abe Lincoln,
who ‘freed’ the slaves,
to his Press Secretary,
right before he fired him and
threw him in a military prison
for terrorism suspects.
posted by reinkefj on 5-28-2008 at 12:15 pm
“A man once imposed upon me to find Jesus. I answered politely ‘no thank you, I would rather burn in hell’.”
-sounds like Mark Twain, doesn’t it?
P.S. anyone know the correct punctuation for ending that sentence? does the period go before or after the single quote?
posted by Will R on 5-28-2008 at 12:17 pm
Criticism is the smoke that rises from the ashes of burnt dreams.
Nero
posted by Wrekreation on 5-28-2008 at 12:29 pm
A marathon is impossible to finish, because in order to get somewhere, you must get to the halfway point first, and there is always another halfway point. Thus, I shall never reach the end.
-Zeno
posted by Lesley on 5-28-2008 at 12:30 pm
“Ow! That’s HOT!”
Paris Hilton, after ignoring common sense advice about not touching the stove immediately after removing the teapot.
posted by Amy on 5-28-2008 at 12:34 pm
“Whoever thought of VETO was a smart smart man, or women or animal, I just don’t want to leave anyone out, man that sun is hot, oh wait did you see that dog? Crazy, how about that immigration?”
George W. Bush
I know it makes no sence, but it just sounded like something he would say or lack there of.
posted by Darcy on 5-28-2008 at 12:44 pm
“War is Peace” George W. Bush
posted by Seamus on 5-28-2008 at 1:08 pm
“The secret to success is SINCERETY…once you learn to fake that, you’ll have it made.
Deepak Chopra
posted by Dana on 5-28-2008 at 1:14 pm
” Thats alright, every little bit helps.” Leftenant Giles St. John-Smythe, Royal Irish Guards, on hearing Patrick Henrys lament.
posted by Dave on 5-28-2008 at 1:22 pm
When given one of my books, it is important to read with feeling.
-Louis Braille
posted by R.G. on 5-28-2008 at 1:30 pm
Hmmm… a witty quote…
“Did ye bring yer cutlass witty?”
-Blackbeard
posted by R.G. on 5-28-2008 at 1:34 pm
I shall reveal the secret to long life on my 969th birthday.
The secret to long life is to NEVER reveal the secret to long life.
Methuselah
posted by Mell on 5-28-2008 at 1:39 pm
Let my gay daughter tell you about the definition of irony.
-Dick Chaney
posted by Joe R. on 5-28-2008 at 2:23 pm
“Tenure I thought I was only here for eight?”
George W. Bush
posted by Darcy on 5-28-2008 at 2:30 pm
The secret to being a great free throw shooter is….
-Shaq
Its not plastic surgery - just a little touch up. Nobody will ever know.
-Michael Jackson, Cher, Mickey Rourke, Liza Minnelli….
The secret to being successful in business is humility and looking out for your fellow man.
-Donald Trump
So here’s a funny joke…
-Jay Leno
posted by Joe R on 5-28-2008 at 2:32 pm
“I was despised by my people, then beloved, despised again and finally beloved once more. This clearly shows that the British people are stupid.”
- Winston Churchill -
posted by Phil on 5-28-2008 at 2:44 pm
“Does Jesus run this mother$#@%&! Hells ya”
Jesus Christ
posted by rattyjod on 5-28-2008 at 2:56 pm
Is “harass” one word or two?
Bill Clinton
posted by Dana on 5-28-2008 at 3:05 pm
“My Bad.”
-LeRoy Brown
posted by Caroline on 5-28-2008 at 3:10 pm
I’m sure I’lll ketchup in the polls soon. I’m not really that far be Heinz. - John Kerry
posted by Billy on 5-28-2008 at 3:14 pm
If you want a blue tooth, eat a blackberry.
Bill Gates
posted by Resse on 5-28-2008 at 3:21 pm
“I think not…” - Descartes, just before disappearing.
posted by Old Geezer on 5-28-2008 at 3:35 pm
If I laugh at my own joke, I won’t share it with anyone else. I don’t like to show off.
-Woody Allen
posted by jaime on 5-28-2008 at 5:21 pm
“If we don’t fasten that corset, it’s gonna be a lumpy bride.”
Margo Channing (from All About Eve). After being forced into retirement by Eve Harrington, she took a job in a plus-size bridal shop.
posted by Brian on 5-28-2008 at 5:38 pm
“We’ll drive off that bridge when we get to it.”
-Ted Kennedy
posted by Chandler on 5-28-2008 at 5:52 pm
“I have come to carry Caesar, not to raise him”
Julius Caesar’s nanny in the much-anticipated prequel to the Shakespeare classic, from the deleted contract negotiation scene
posted by brian on 5-28-2008 at 5:54 pm
“The eyes can’t see what the mind can’t understand.” - Sigmund Freud
posted by mecho on 5-28-2008 at 7:15 pm
“Anonymity is the greatest of shields.” - General Michael V. Hayden
posted by mecho on 5-28-2008 at 7:17 pm
“Take nothing, give everything, and feel like you’re owed nothing.” - Confuscious
posted by mecho on 5-28-2008 at 7:19 pm
Whomever would have guessed that the work of an Italian artist AND an English playwright, both from the 16th century could create even greater mysteries?
Robert Langdon, The DesdeMONA Lisa Code
posted by Amy on 5-28-2008 at 7:53 pm
My favorite drink? A Chapaquitic - scotch and murky water.
- Ted Kennedy
posted by Jim on 5-28-2008 at 8:20 pm
“Someone stole my Jesus Fish!” -Friedrich Nietzsche
posted by Josh on 5-28-2008 at 8:29 pm
“Today is like a kind of chilly May or June-ish day that, you know, could be warmer but isn’t like freakin’ awful, made, you know, like one of those really great, like, Indian summer days in like October… or some junk, by this York guy”
First Draft of Richard III - William Shakespeare
posted by Chuck on 5-28-2008 at 9:06 pm
“Not everything happens for a reaon, but courage is finding one anyway”. - Bryce Courtneay (author of “The Power Of One”.
posted by Grant Spencer on 5-28-2008 at 9:32 pm
You can be spontaneous… you just have to plan ahead.
- Martha Stewart
posted by dagmar on 5-28-2008 at 10:18 pm
“Duck!”
-Dick Cheney
posted by Dawn on 5-28-2008 at 10:59 pm
Issac Newton just before he discovered gravity:
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but one on the noggin keeps my brain from foggin.”
posted by Bharat on 5-28-2008 at 11:28 pm
A man’s life is not measured by how much money he made, or how many people knew his name, but by the number of tears shed at his funeral.
-Robert Frost
posted by William on 5-29-2008 at 1:27 am
“Though we have lost your cousin Tybalt to that treacherous Montague dog, let thine tears cease, beloved daughter, for you’ll always have Paris.”
Lord Capulet
posted by Samantha on 5-29-2008 at 1:53 am
“Hell hath no fury like a wee man scorned.”
-Napoleon Bonaparte
Yes, I know he actually wasn’t short!:^)
posted by R. G. on 5-29-2008 at 6:31 am
“Darkness is my friend. For it is only without light that I may drink from the deep well of loathing within my soul.”
- Emily Dickinson -
posted by Phil on 5-29-2008 at 9:09 am
“Nothing good ever happens after the words ‘Watch this!’” ~ Franz Reichelt
(Tailor/inventor whose cloak/parachute failed to open after he jumped off the Eiffel Tower in 1912)
posted by Bethy on 5-29-2008 at 11:51 am
“I don’t DO windows.”
-Steve Jobs (justifying a need for a housecleaner)
posted by CM on 5-29-2008 at 2:00 pm
“Most needs are just wants.” - Ghandi
posted by mecho on 5-29-2008 at 8:42 pm
“Holy s&%^!”
– J. Robert Oppenheimer
posted by Pish on 5-29-2008 at 9:22 pm
“Beggars can’t be choosy, but choosy mothers choose Jif.”
-Me
posted by DennisP on 5-30-2008 at 12:18 pm