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We had more than 100 stupendous faux-quote submissions, so it took a little time to winnow it down. But we did! And we’re back with your finalists. As always, please only vote once in the comments. If you try to sneak in a second vote under a different e-mail addy, will be forced to circulate nefarious thoughts in staff CCs behind your back.
Remember: the winner gets a free copy of David Pratt’s new book, The Impossible Takes Longer: The 1,000 Wisest Things Ever Said by Nobel Prize Laureates.
And the finalists are…
a) “If we we didn’t have family, we wouldn’t need friends” - Oscar Wilde
b) “Although I am not fond of bearing the name ‘Herman’, I am nevertheless relieved that my parents decided against their original inclination to call me Ishmael.” - Herman Melville
c) “Mission Accomplished.” -Gen. Robert E. Lee, Bull Run, July 1861
d) “Madam, I’m atom.” - Democritus at an ancient Greek singles bar
e) “My Bad.” -LeRoy Brown
f) “I’m sure I’lll ketchup in the polls soon. I’m not really that far be Heinz.” - John Kerry
g) “I have come to carry Caesar, not to raise him” - Julius Caesar’s nanny in the much-anticipated prequel to the Shakespeare classic, from the deleted contract negotiation scene
h) “Today is like a kind of chilly May or June-ish day that, you know, could be warmer but isn’t like freakin’ awful, made, you know, like one of those really great, like, Indian summer days in like October… or some junk, by this York guy” – from the first draft of Richard III - William Shakespeare
i) “I don’t DO windows.” - Steve Jobs (justifying a need for a housecleaner)
j) “Most needs are just wants.” - Ghandi
It’ll be interesting to see whether any of these turn up being misattributed as actual quotes, thanks to the magic of the Internet.
posted by Aaron on 5-30-2008 at 9:14 am
Aaron, I can’t wait to see the email circulating, entitled “Funny historical quotes”
As for my vote: C. Gotta go with the Bush hate on this one. ;)
posted by Theodore on 5-30-2008 at 9:51 am
Love “A”
posted by Betsy on 5-30-2008 at 9:59 am
Being a Jim Croce fan, I HAVE to go with
E
That is just beautiful.
(Also, there are too many “l”s in F)
posted by KJ on 5-30-2008 at 10:01 am
My vote is for “J”
posted by AuntShell on 5-30-2008 at 10:04 am
E!
posted by Eileen on 5-30-2008 at 10:05 am
Must be “A”.
posted by Lisa H on 5-30-2008 at 10:05 am
Definitely A. That’s awesome.
posted by Grant S on 5-30-2008 at 10:13 am
H or I
posted by Amy on 5-30-2008 at 10:16 am
“i”
posted by olga on 5-30-2008 at 10:18 am
Gonna have to go w/ E
posted by Kevin H on 5-30-2008 at 10:29 am
Letter I
posted by Nick on 5-30-2008 at 10:31 am
I like h)…and so would Willy Shakes…
posted by marge on 5-30-2008 at 10:41 am
IMHO, it’s gotta be B.
posted by Amy on 5-30-2008 at 10:51 am
E
posted by Heather on 5-30-2008 at 10:51 am
I’m going to have to go with A.
posted by Justin M on 5-30-2008 at 10:52 am
I just think that F is downright punny.
posted by Kiki on 5-30-2008 at 11:06 am
I’m torn between c & h; c made me laugh, but I’ve had to read h about a dozen times and keep chuckling.
Gotta vote H!
“There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good”.
-Stephen Colbert
posted by michael on 5-30-2008 at 11:11 am
C and E
posted by Fruppi on 5-30-2008 at 11:17 am
H!
posted by scott on 5-30-2008 at 11:25 am
Definitely A.
posted by Courtney on 5-30-2008 at 11:32 am
A
posted by Greg on 5-30-2008 at 11:44 am
EEEEEEEEE
posted by Dan on 5-30-2008 at 12:22 pm
B
posted by ESJ on 5-30-2008 at 12:24 pm
A
posted by Katherine M on 5-30-2008 at 12:47 pm
I’m voting for A!
posted by Anna on 5-30-2008 at 12:52 pm
E! Love it!
posted by Christian on 5-30-2008 at 12:59 pm
E
Great One!
posted by phunk on 5-30-2008 at 1:07 pm
C
posted by Kevin on 5-30-2008 at 1:23 pm
I wrote C but I’m voting for E.
posted by Brent on 5-30-2008 at 1:27 pm
G! AWESOME!
posted by jenni on 5-30-2008 at 1:31 pm
Definitely B.
posted by Judy on 5-30-2008 at 1:36 pm
I’m torn between G and H…good stuff, both of ‘em!
~Bethy
posted by Bethy on 5-30-2008 at 1:43 pm
A
posted by Thomas on 5-30-2008 at 2:04 pm
I like I(ke).
posted by Adrienne on 5-30-2008 at 2:18 pm
Kickass!! I didn’t think I’d make it, last in line is mine. YAY!!
posted by mecho on 5-30-2008 at 2:31 pm
A!
posted by Aemi on 5-30-2008 at 2:46 pm
B
posted by Johnny Cat on 5-30-2008 at 2:48 pm
G
posted by raoulfgonzo on 5-30-2008 at 2:50 pm
H!
posted by Carly on 5-30-2008 at 3:28 pm
Dang, these are good! Gotta go with A because it just sounds so much like him!
posted by frodopal on 5-30-2008 at 4:14 pm
A!
posted by Suzeo on 5-30-2008 at 4:35 pm
I’m SO surprised that “C” isn’t winning in a landslide!
Oh well…count my vote for “C”
posted by David on 5-30-2008 at 4:41 pm
E, definitely E.
By the way, my recaptcha is “Mo Champagne”
posted by Derek on 5-30-2008 at 4:49 pm
E!!!
posted by Kimmer on 5-30-2008 at 5:13 pm
‘A’, without hesitation.
posted by Jim on 5-30-2008 at 5:25 pm
Gotta go with H.
Some of these would look great on a mental floss T-shirt!
posted by Beth on 5-30-2008 at 5:52 pm
While h cracked me up because I’ve always felt that Shakespeare, a drunk who wrote in a bar, is a little overrated, I have to go with A! It’s not only funny, it’s very realistic. I would be the first to believe it’s an authentic quote.
posted by Manda on 5-30-2008 at 7:59 pm
I’m mostly alone, but G for me =D
posted by Courtney on 5-30-2008 at 8:11 pm
E
posted by PartiallyDeflected on 5-30-2008 at 8:35 pm
H…without a doubt
posted by Jonathan on 5-30-2008 at 9:28 pm
Wow, these are all really good.
I vote for h, the more I read it the harder I laugh.
posted by Harold on 5-30-2008 at 10:19 pm
E
Made me laugh out loud
posted by Carole on 5-31-2008 at 12:07 am
Gandhi is the correct spelling, not Ghandi
posted by Paula on 5-31-2008 at 12:45 am
H, because it sounds like something for the Bulwer-Lytton contest
posted by Samantha on 5-31-2008 at 2:16 am
A.
Also shouldn’t F read I’ll not I’lll, sorry it bugged me.
posted by fran on 5-31-2008 at 8:58 am
G :)
posted by tony on 5-31-2008 at 4:19 pm
I like “H” quite a lot!
posted by Korin on 5-31-2008 at 4:29 pm
H!
posted by Chuck on 5-31-2008 at 5:26 pm
I vote for A, because it’s genuinely clever and not just a pun. I liked Gandhi’s quote, which has a lot of truth to it, but ultimately, my vote is for A.
posted by David on 5-31-2008 at 5:31 pm
I vote for J all others pale in comparison.
posted by Bob on 5-31-2008 at 7:40 pm
A
I is also amazing, but I love Oscar Wilde and I’m with my family now, so A gets the vote
posted by Will on 6-1-2008 at 12:55 am
H
posted by jessi on 6-1-2008 at 8:07 am
H
posted by Elizabeth on 6-1-2008 at 9:24 am
E!
posted by Bethany on 6-1-2008 at 12:06 pm
j) “Most needs are just wants.” - Ghandi
Beautiful.
posted by Mary on 6-1-2008 at 1:38 pm
My vote for J!
posted by average_fan on 6-1-2008 at 11:25 pm
A.
That’s GandHi, not GHandi.
posted by Dibyo on 6-1-2008 at 11:36 pm
H
posted by Denise on 6-2-2008 at 3:43 pm
C!
posted by PJ in SF on 6-2-2008 at 5:30 pm
e
posted by Reggie on 6-2-2008 at 11:55 pm
Has to be A!!
posted by Yvonne S on 6-3-2008 at 12:51 pm
H! As if there was a choice.
posted by Kate on 6-5-2008 at 11:42 am
Definitely ‘A.’
posted by Marie on 6-10-2008 at 2:25 pm
A
posted by HelenH on 6-10-2008 at 2:40 pm
going with A
posted by Meg on 6-10-2008 at 7:02 pm
A!!
posted by Betty on 6-10-2008 at 7:46 pm
A — no question!
posted by Tammy B on 6-10-2008 at 7:48 pm
A all the way…sounds just like a quote from Oscar Wilde
posted by Drew on 6-10-2008 at 11:09 pm
I vote for a. Definitely a.
posted by John on 6-12-2008 at 7:28 am