With Indiana Jones and Narnia II, Revenge of the Chronic already in the can and Batman, Hulk, Hellboy and Mummy sequels coming up, 2008 is set to be not only the summer of the sequel, but the summer of the lame merchandising tie-in, as well. With that in mind, let’s look to history for some mistakes that today’s merchandisers might want to avoid.

Rocky’s Meat

It’s difficult to call this an “action figure,” though that’s how it’s marketed; where’s the Kung-Fu grip? “The Meat” has to be one of the weirdest movie toy tie-ins ever. It also violates Mom Rule #1: never play with your food!

Neo’s Phone

For a mere $500, you too could’ve been the proud owner of one of 10,000 Matrix Reloaded phones produced by Samsung in 2003. Despite its “high-tech” styling (complete with moving digital rain screen display), the phone itself is decidedly low-tech: the SPH-N270, as it was otherwise known, didn’t include a camera, wasn’t web-capable and had no video, bluetooth or MP3 capability. On the plus side, it came with the Matrix theme pre-loaded as its ringtone. Now something of a cult item available only on eBay, the phone was one of those marketing tie-ins that became sought-after more for its kitsch value than its coolness.

The Human Torch ATV

Developed as a tie-in for the Fantastic Four film, the Human Torch was a problematic character to turn into an action figure, and it shows. Like many superheroes, the Torch can fly — and yet he comes, somewhat inexplicably, with an ATV. The thing that’s most fun about the character (his torchiness) isn’t represented here; fire is too dangerous. So instead, the ATVs headlights light up. Whoop-te-doo. (What they don’t tell you, kids, is that ATVs are some of the most dangerous vehicles out there, and riding one can easily lead to being on fire. Or at least, breaking your front teeth out.)

Homer Simpson Talking Ice Bucket

This one’s truly baffling — who puts ice in their beer, anyway? Fully insulated and complete with silly plastic tongs, the bucket plays one of three pre-recorded messages from Homer when you open it (”Oooh, frozen water!”). If the manufacturers can make fun of their own product that way, so can we.

Raiders of the Lost Ark Wax Nazis

This one isn’t real, but would that it were. Photoshopped by Cracked.com reader Sanchez, it’s got everything you want from a movie toy: it lets you relive your favorite scene from Raiders, it’s kitschy and fun, and best of all from a marketing standpoint, you can only use it once! To melt more Nazis, you’ll have to buy another toy.

* * * * *
Shhh…super secret special for blog readers.