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My parents-in-law are great people, and I’m not just saying that on the off-chance that they might read this. They really are. It’s fun being around them. But there’s one unique thing about my and my wife’s relationship with them: because they live in Florida, and they’re both teachers who get the entire summer off, and they kind of secretly hate living in Florida, and really miss their daughter, they spend a sizeable chunk of every summer with us here in Los Angeles. Not with us with us, but nearby, and sometimes that kind of proximity, even with your grown (or semi-grown) children can put a strain on your relationship. But as my friend Brooke Hauser, who writes for the New York Times, discovered, there are lots of other “kids” in our boat, especially in cities where a week’s hotel stay can easily exceed a month’s salary. Here are some of the stories she uncovered.
For young people just beginning to live independently, parents are not always the easiest houseguests, especially when their stays are frequent or extended. These visits, which are common around the holidays, can recall the sometimes stressful parents’ weekends of the college years, but they tend to be even longer, more frequent, and in much closer quarters. Take, for example, the single Washingtonian who couldn’t bring a new boyfriend home because she was sharing her bed with her mother, who was visiting from Argentina for a month. Or the New Yorker who said that, over many long weekends, she cringed to see her 6-foot-2 Southern gentleman of a father squeezing into her tiny Greenwich Village apartment, “like an oaf in a dollhouse.”
In my own experience, the conflict that can arise during such visits, especially extended ones, is a kind of sublimated power struggle: who’s in control? Whose house is it? Especially if the parents have ever helped out with the rent, or donated furniture to the kids’ once-barren pied-a-terre, there’s can sometimes be a confusion about ownership. It’s tough letting your kids grow up, I suppose. The flip side of that coin, though, is that it can be tough watching your parents get old, as Brooke points out:
“Extended or repeated parental visits can sometimes feel to hosts like unnerving dress rehearsals for the day when the people they’ve always depended upon become themselves dependent — or reminders that their parents are not invulnerable. Nine years ago, Kevin and Kathleen Loftus came to New York to see their son, Tom, then 30, on one of the visits from California that they now make frequently. One morning, braving the subway without him, they were confronted by a raving man who seemed to be drunk. “The first person who moves on this train, I’m going to shoot them,” Mrs. Loftus, now 67, recalled the man saying. “We looked around, and we were the only two in the car.” When the younger Mr. Loftus learned what had happened, he told his parents they could only take taxis in the future. (“It’s their luck that they would find a G train to get on, because they’re so rare,” he said ruefully.)
There are cultural differences, too. Americans might feel one way about their parents coming to stay — but then, ours is very much a culture of independence and individuality, which despite our camaraderie values the me over the we. Not so in other cultures:
For some young city dwellers, there’s never a question about whether an open-door policy with their parents makes sense; it’s simply a cultural mandate. “In Latin America, there is no such thing as sending your parents to a hotel, unless you want to be disowned or guilt-tripped for the rest of your life,” said Victoria Wigodzky, a 29-year-old native of Argentina who moved to the United States with her parents 15 years ago. She now lives in a one-bedroom apartment in Washington, where she works at a grant-making foundation. Ms. Wigodzky’s parents, who are both in their 60’s and have retired to Argentina, stayed with her for a month in the summer of 2006, during which she gamely accommodated her father’s desire for a cable subscription and her mother’s keenness to share the bed in her room. More than once Ms. Wigodzky invited them to hang out with her friends (which the friends, at least those from the United States, found “funny,” she said).
What about you? Ever had friction with long-visiting parents?
(Photo by Sylwia Kapuscinski.)
Comments (18)
Comment
I haven’t had this issue yet, but it’s good to know I can look forward to it after my wife and I move from Ohio to New Orleans next month.
posted by Ira on 6-19-2008 at 10:31 am
After Hurricane Rita my Mother-in-law, Father-in-law, Sister-in-law, Brother-in-law, nephew, and a dog joined our family for a little under a month. They are great people, respected our space, and in reality had no other place to go. It was just a tight squeeze.
(My reCaptcha is ‘Light Feuchtwanger’ Any guess as to what a Feuchtwanger is?)
posted by Witty Nickname on 6-19-2008 at 10:32 am
OH! Forgot a humorous side note. My wife and I had just purchased the house, our couch, love seat, kitchen table and chairs were on back order. We bought lawn chairs for the living room for everyone to sit on.
posted by Witty Nickname on 6-19-2008 at 10:37 am
Count yourself lucky they haven’t moved into your home… yet. But it’s more likely that when they need care, they will turn on the guilt until you move in with them.
Not that I know your family, but I’ve seen this happen time and time again.
posted by Miss Cellania on 6-19-2008 at 10:41 am
My father in law decided to surprise me and my husband by renovating our bathroom as a wedding present. Little did we know that when we came back from our honeymoon, he had already moved in and demolished the bathroom. He ended up staying with us for an entire month. Not quite the “honeymoon stage” I had envisioned, but at least I got a garden tub!
posted by Peps on 6-19-2008 at 10:53 am
It is so important for adults to learn to set the boundaries right off the top. I don’t care what the cultural norm is, if it doesn’t work for you, learn to say no soon.
And learn to say it without explanation.
“I’m sorry Mom, but you cannot come stay with me. I’ll be happy to help you find a hotel.”
If you don’t mind, it is one thing, but if you do mind, you are entitled to your own space.
You can love and respect your parents without sharing living quarters. If it won’t work, it is often much better to say no, than to deal with the consequences and feelings of resentment if you say yes.
posted by Karen on 6-19-2008 at 11:18 am
I have a mother-in-law who tends to take over the house when she visits. She becomes the one to plan activities, sleeping arrangements (for everyone except me and my husband I draw the line there), etc. It makes me feel like a guest in my own home and my cats dislike her so much one of them peed in her suitcase once.
posted by Jennifer on 6-19-2008 at 11:22 am
My grandma had an extra bedroom set moved into my parents basement. Enough said. Does is still count if its my dad’s mother?
posted by AG on 6-19-2008 at 11:43 am
Consider youselves fortunate. I took care of my aging parents with the help of a daily in home care service…thank god. My husband & I sold our loft and were house hunting while living at my parents vacant house in Boulder. After my wonderful father succumbed to cancer my elderly mother moved to FL for the winter. Just before we moved to Boulder, my mother announces she is moving back for the summer. Great. It was depressing and difficult with occasional mishaps. My mother died shortly after she went back to FL for the winter. Although it totally sucked regressing back to childhood behaviors as an adult, I would go back to that summer in a heatbeat. My mother was there with me, to talk to, and laugh with. My father was always so happy and kind. Now, those halcyon days are just a memory to me.
posted by molli on 6-19-2008 at 12:05 pm
Ohhh yup. My parents & my fiance’s father & step mom always stay in hotels when they’re visiting. That makes visits a WHOLE lot better. But my fiance’s mom can’t afford hotels & she always ends up on our couch. I’ll just say absence makes the heart grow fonder, sleeping on the couch does not.
posted by RBug on 6-19-2008 at 12:09 pm
Jennifer’s mother-in-law sounds like my mother. I moved out in March to an apartment a few miles away, and if we go someplace together she still wants me to drive to their house, leave my car and ride with them — even to the point of insisting that I make an overnight trip to Chicago a family trip. I sometimes feel like she’s going to try to plan the rest of my life for me. I hate to think what will happen when/if I get engaged and try to plan the wedding.
posted by Joanna on 6-19-2008 at 12:15 pm
I really don’t have too much trouble withe the ‘rents coming to stay. They bought a house down here in San Antonio and I rent it from them. It’s a two bed, two bath house with a large kitchen and good-sized living room, so I don’t feel squished when they come to stay. And since they bought the house, they designated a bedroom of their own, so I never feel like I’m giving up a room for them.
Plus, my farming parents can’t sit still, so I always end up with a ton of home improvements getting done. :-)
posted by nutmeag on 6-19-2008 at 1:32 pm
My mom moved into my house at the end of this April. She brought my (now three year-old) niece with her. My husband and I (with our three year-old) have adjusted nicely… I think. It gets tense when I’m working and can’t find peace, and at night when the girls are cranky and don’t want to sleep. But, all in all, it hasn’t been that bad. I might add, though, that Chris and I get along abnormally well with my mother. And we love bunk beds.
ReCAPTCHA (and I’m not kidding): residents lie
posted by adrienne on 6-19-2008 at 2:02 pm
My parents can’t sit still when visiting. My mom is used to always having something to do or work on at home (she sews alot) that when she comes for a visit she is always wanting to do something even if is hem all my pants for me. My Step-Dad will sit on the couch all day watching TV and when he has control of the remote you are not watching anything else and we have only 1 TV. I’m glad my sister lives in the same town I am and always hosts our parents as her place is bigger and has more ammenities for them.
I typically will take our grandmother as she and the cat get along great (she is a warm lap for the cat to cuddle in for hours on end).
So far I’ve not had to deal with the inlaws visiting as my MIL does not like to ride in the car and anything more than an hour is too long (they are about 6 hours away)
posted by Beth on 6-19-2008 at 2:06 pm
Here is the other side. Son and daughter-in-law encouraged me to move to their fair city when retired. Did that. Moved to neighborhood close by - now it is like I do not exist anymore - I think my DIL did not understand that she might feel threatened when her hubby wants to spend time with her MIL. So have lost a son and a DIL - and working through starting over in a new city. Painful.
posted by Been There on 6-19-2008 at 3:56 pm
I have a different problem… my in-laws live up the street from us. I see them practically every day! They are both nice people but my husband is their only son so they visit or we visit them frequently. Plus, since his parents pay for a lot of food/trips we take together, my husband always wants to go with his parents whenever I want to go somewhere. It’s nice of them to include us but I’d like some alone time too!!
At least they’re not like my old co-workers’ mother-in-law. She also lived down the street from my co-worker and she would nag and change things in their house. For instance, once she didn’t like the Christmas decorations up, so she came over while they were at work, took them all down, and put up her own!!
posted by CK on 6-19-2008 at 4:01 pm
Try this one on for size- My soon-to-be mother-in-law stays with us 2 nights a week…every week…for the past 2 years and probably for the next 3 or 4. She works in MD, but lives in PA and telecommutes 2 days a week from home. Thankfully, she and I have become incredibly close, but its always a tense moment when we disagree on things like which placemats to buy (Yes, I said PLACEMATS). I want red and she wants yellow and it turns into a three week long-decision making process- which I usually lose (my placemats are, indeed, yellow). We are not ‘allowed’ to have overnight guests in our spare bedroom without her prior consent, and if I do something I think is not only courteous, but my every right to do in my own home (like vacuum ‘her’ room), I will definitely hear about it the following week. I’ve gotten used to it, and like I said, we’re actually (usually) very close. I’m the daughter she never had, and she’s a very cool and inspiring woman. It appalls my family, who feel that an engaged/ almost newlywed couple should have some breathing room to begin their life together. I must say- they have a point.
posted by Julie on 6-19-2008 at 5:34 pm
Being from a Hispanic family (well, Hispanic on one side and Irish-English-American on the other), I’m used to the family being required to have relatives stay with them while they’re in town. I actually found it odd when I went to visit my boyfriend’s mother and found out we had to stay in a hotel. I found it a little rude, and he found it normal.
That closeness never really bothered me, but it drove my boyfriend insane. When my mother came to visit, she slept in my room and HE had to sleep in the guestroom/office. I would hate to see him during our family reunions, where we often have 10-15 people stay in a three bedroom house.
posted by Nicole on 6-19-2008 at 6:18 pm