mental_floss magazine
SUBSCRIBE >
GIFT SUBSCRIPTIONS >
DIGITAL SUBSCRIPTIONS >
subscriber services >
I have never really been in a fistfight. I’ve had some schoolyard scuffles, sure, but never had to launch or dodge a closed-fist punch. I was reminded of this rather abruptly the other day, when I saw a friend of mine nearly get in a fistfight in a parking lot. I was trying to back out of a space, but had been parked in by someone who’d rudely left their car directly behind mine. My friend said he’d “take care of it,” which I assumed meant he would go inside the business we were parked in front of and see whose car it was. Instead, the next thing I know I see my friend getting into the offending car, which was apparently unlocked, and searching around for keys — as if he were going to move it himself. Just as I was about to tell him I didn’t think this was such a hot idea, the screaming began. A very large, very angry man was running toward him, yelling all sorts of things I can’t type in polite company, so I ran over, thinking my friend was in need of a little backup.
Luckily, he wasn’t — the guy never threw a punch, though he looked like he was about to — and the huge serrated scar along his neck made me think he had thrown (and received) plenty before. But I began to wonder what I would’ve done if he had — and here’s what I found out.
Don’t get in one
This may seem obvious, but if you can use diplomacy rather than your fists, do it. There are around 16,000 murders in the US every year, and a not-insignificant proportion of those are committed with fists rather than guns. So if you don’t want to kill someone or go to jail, do your level best to stay out of fistfights. Of course, we recognize that that’s not always possible, especially among people of certain age groups; a survey reported that 8% of high school students get into fights every month that require treatment by a doctor or nurse. So it happens.
Don’t use your fists
Unless you happen to have a roll of quarters handy to wrap your fist around, closed-fist punching is a recipe for compound-fracture disaster. Instead, use the heel of your hand or your elbow.
Find an escape route
Real fights are nothing like movie fights — they’re messy, they rarely end in someone being knocked out cold and they’re usually over before you know it. The really dangerous fights, though, are the ones that don’t end quickly, so increase your chances of a speedy end by making sure you’ve got a clear shot at the exit and beelining toward it at your first opportunity. Run, and swallow your pride … not your teeth.
Don’t kick ‘em while they’re down
Homer Simpson’s famous advice on how to fight goes something like this: “First you gotta shriek like a woman, then keep sobbing till he turns away in disgust — and that’s when it’s time to kick some back!” We’d like to officially discourage this technique, or really the kicking of any backs, spleens, faces etc. Spleens get ruptured, backs get broken, people go to the hospital and to jail. This ain’t Mortal Kombat, and no fancy pile-driver or stomach-kick is needed to “finish him!”
Go for the soft spots
In the interest of ending the fight quickly, aim your attack(s) at one of your aggressor’s “soft spots” — the gut, the groin, the throat. The eyes are another soft spot, but we recommend a handful of sand in the face rather than anything pointy. You don’t want to blind anyone, just incapacitate them for long enough to get out of there.
Bite!
Take a lesson from Tyson: the bite may be one of the most underestimated tools in the fighter’s arsenal. It’s effective, it hurts like the devil and if it’s done through the clothes, it doesn’t leave much of a mark. (The same can’t be said for a punch in the face; giving someone a black eye will land you in jail much faster.)
The ol’ steak-on-the-black-eye trick
If you wind taking a punch to the face, get something cold on it right away to stop the swelling. In the old days, Real Men used to lay a tenderized steak over their bruised ocular cavity with a bag of frozen vegetables on the other side — and as it turns out, this isn’t such a bad idea. (Just make sure you rinse off the meat to reduce the risk of some bacterial infection spreading to your tender new wound.) The meat form-fits to your eye/check perfectly, it distributes the cold of the frozen peas/ice pack very evenly over your face, and a nice piece of tri-tip draped over your face tends to make you feel like a badass. All good things.
Learn the Moves
Esquire has some great tips on how to move your body:
How to take down a bigger dude:
1. Knock his hands to one side.
2. When his body turns, put your head outside his front knee and your shoulders into his hips. Wrap your arms just above the back of his knees.
3. Pull in and to the side.How to Escape a Headlock: Turn your head into the crook of his elbow and push it up over your head.
How You Should Stand: Crouch low, knees bent and with your hands up, like you’re defending someone in basketball.
Decide if you’re willing to throw a sucker punch
You’re in a fistfight — the rules of gentlemanly conduct are more or less out the window already. Some people might be too proud for this move, but I saw a friend pull it once, and it was surprisingly effective: his pretended to stop the fight and reconcile, went to shake hands with his opponent, and then — bam, straight to the chin. Then he ran away like a little girl. Pathetic, yes, but effective.
Comments (17)
Comment
As a veteran of many fist-fights, I have to agree with your first point of advice: If you can avoid it, do not get into one. They are ugly, painful, and nothing like in the movies.
As far as sucker punches are concerned, in a street fight, there is no such animal. Hair-pulling, biting, and groin shots are all good in my book. Forget about fancy moves and so forth, you won’t have time to execute them, much less think of them. If he asks you to take it outside, you should have punched him at “let’s take…” This isn’t boxing, it’s survival of the fittest.
Some points of advice:
1. If you get in an argument with a group of people, say a jerk and his buddies, punch the guy who’s talking the most smack. The rest are feeding off his bravado, so shut him up and guaranteed, the others will lose heart.
2. “Those who fight and run away, live to fight another day” should be your mantra.
Much like Tyler Durden says, I believe you really don’t know yourself until you’ve been in a fist fight, but I don’t think you should go looking for one either.
On a side note: Recaptcha words were “olympic 9-inch”. Yowza!
posted by ArtF on 6-24-2008 at 11:21 am
I wouldn’t advise biting. You could break the skin, which could lead to an infection and you may also leave bite mark on your opponent. Biting also tends to put you head within reaching distance of your opponent, giving them a chance to land a startling blow or two.
posted by Mortal Light on 6-24-2008 at 11:39 am
I once read (I believe it was Joe the Peacock) that if you think you can win a knife fight, give your friend a red marker, have him remove the cap, then “fight” him. Then imagine that all those ink marks you end up with are actually cuts and slashes. It’s a sobering wake-up call.
reCAPTCHA: match Roman. Oddly fitting!
posted by Joanna on 6-24-2008 at 12:19 pm
I was waiting for you to mention eye gouging.. where do we stand on this? I had a friend get in a fight with 3 guys when we were at the beach and he stuck his fingers in the poor guys eye sockets.. :S.. after beating 2 to the ground the 3rd ran away.. I think that dirty fighting ie 3 on 1 calls for dirty fighting..
posted by Hannah on 6-24-2008 at 12:27 pm
If you’re in a fight in which biting is appropriate, then I wouldn’t warn people against poking someone’s eye out.
If you have to fight, it should be anything goes. One should only fight if one’s life or someone else’s safety is at stake. When it is, anything goes.
posted by chris naron on 6-24-2008 at 12:39 pm
never leave home without your taser. period.
posted by CW on 6-24-2008 at 12:51 pm
Please, if you ever get into a fight…NEVER act like you know any martial arts! I have seen many people try it and they look hilarious and usually get beaten badly.
posted by bucsfan on 6-24-2008 at 1:09 pm
It’s been a loooooong time since I’ve gotten into a fight, but in my experience the trick is to deliver the first blow and really go for the knockout. The first punch is often the only clean one. After that the fight degenerates into tackling and glancing blows, so it’s best to get your best shot in when you can.
Here’s a trick to getting that in - we’ve been conditioned by TV and movies to understand that there’s a point of tension that must break before the fight begins. Someone says something, the other person says something, there’s another retort, then boom! It’s on. If you’re in the right (or wrong) situation where a physical fight is inevitable, you’ll know it way before that tension point breaks. If you want to see how to take advantage of this you can ironically look to the cinema too. I recommend watching the movie Be Cool with John Travolta. The characters in this movie pull this move off 2 or 3 times. It looks like a fight is imminent, one of the characters is getting ready to talk a bit to amp it up, and the other character cuts the crap and gets to the punching. I found this more honorable than a sucker punch because everyone knows what’s coming. it just hastens the pace.
posted by Rutkowskilives on 6-24-2008 at 2:30 pm
actually, i’ve used biting to get out a chokehold before. lol
i don’t know if i can say you know all fistfights you get in are coming before it happens. i certainly didn’t know i was going to get in one with my father once. lol
i figure another tip is if they do manage to tackle you to the ground and you have a chance- kick. as many times and as fast as you can- bicycle kicks are useful here- sometimes t can break there concentration long enough so you CAN get up.
posted by Sue on 6-24-2008 at 4:34 pm
I’ve never been in a fist fight, but I saw an interview with Will Smith after he filmed Ali. He said one of the main things he learned was that most people (because of what they’ve seen on TV and movies) will wind up for a big hit. Take the chance for a quick jab to one of the soft spots mentioned in the article (or the face) and you’re already one up on the other guy. Even if you don’t get a good hit in, then you’ve disrupted him and it could give you a chance to get away or set up for the next hit.
Also, if you get in a lot of fights, it might be worth some kind of martial arts study. For quick and dirty, I understand Jujitsu is the way to go. Keep away from Taekwondo and Kung Fu which look great, but unless you’re a friggin’ master you’ll get your ass kicked by people who can grapple.
posted by Steve on 6-24-2008 at 8:02 pm
Another good soft spot to hit - the solar plexus. If you don’t know where that is, find the center of your rib cage, right below the sternum. Go about an inch down. A good punch or elbow to that area will knock the wind out of them. Trust me, that’ll set them back.
posted by ErinM on 6-24-2008 at 9:27 pm
Wow, I’ve never seen so many comments to an advice column that are additional tips in the same vein. I guess it’s true that everyone wants to believe that hey know how to fight.
posted by Blake on 6-24-2008 at 9:40 pm
I know this is going to sound ridiculous but also look at Tai Chi as a defensive martial art. They teach balance, step into your opponent so their reach and power is diminished and to stop taking at a certain point so your opponent talks himself out of the fight. Sounds silly but I used it and it works. I walked away from a fight that I would have lost.
posted by RobCat on 6-24-2008 at 10:12 pm
Blake, since I’m in martial arts I like to think I have a leg to stand on.
posted by Erin on 6-24-2008 at 11:50 pm
When my kids were in Junior High, I told them that you can tell when you’ve passed the point and the fight is on. Just smack them in the face, and go after them like crazy. Don’t stand there and let someone hit you. You will BOTH be suspended anyway, and when you come back, your life will be easier.
The only other tip I can give is from Josey Wales - get some kind of edge, then spit!
posted by PolyMathMan on 6-25-2008 at 2:57 am
Ok first off I’m assuming we are talking adult life here and not some high school scuffle where the fight always gets broke up.
I’ve been in lots of fights (although not in a very long time). I have also been jumped and mugged by multiple attackers up to 5 at one time. I have been in the hospital over fighting 3 times. I don’t like fighting, I don’t like pain but sometimes a fight is unavoidable (unless you just want to take a beating).
So real life fight involving at least 2 adults, here’s my advice.
1) Stay in shape (lift weights, jog, be active, don’t smoke). In a real fight unless you get knocked out or pinned down cardio beats strength every time. If your in great shape you got one up on the other guy who sits on the couch all day or plays video games all day and thinks he is billy bad ass.
2) Use a weapon every time. Whether its a taser, a club, a stapler, a bottle. If your in a street fight you should assume that the other guy is out to do as much harm to you as possible (or even kill you) so don’t hold back.
3) Have in mind what you’ll do in a fight and practice it occasionally. Martial arts is just that. If you practice something over and over it will come to you quickly in a situation when you need it. You can shadow box, practice kicks, etc on your own without the local dojo master telling you what to do. It will still help you.
4)If you don’t have a weapon kick your opponent in the knee or try to strike them in the throat if possible. No matter how much bigger a guy is than you if he can’t catch you because you just about broke or broke his knee then you can escape. Similarly no matter how big a dude is if you strike him in the throat he will gasp for air. Short of that go for one of the soft targets mentioned in the article.
So thats my advice. Here’s hoping you never get in a situation where you have to fight but if you do hopefully some of this will help you out.
posted by Bloodstone on 6-25-2008 at 3:44 pm
Indeed - I would not recommend using fists. Not smart. You just wind up with cuts on your knuckles, which you then have to explain at the office. Which is really bizarre when you’re a 120lb girl. I didn’t get into a fistfight but I chased down this guy who tried to steal my bracelet. In heels. While dodging traffic. Like I said, not smart.
posted by yellowhamer on 7-4-2008 at 3:17 am