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Nearly four decades ago, during a diamond hunting expedition in the jungles of South America, author Jean Liedloff met an indigenous people named the Yequana, who were/are still living largely as they did in the Stone Age. She was so taken with the Yequanas, she decided to move in with them for a couple years to study the differences between the ways in which they raised their children and the ways in which we, in the U.S., generally raise our children.
I know about Liedloff and her fascinating discoveries (which I’ll get to momentarily) because my wife and I are in the middle of raising our 11-month-old Jack, whose name, you all helped us decide right here on this blog.
So far, we’ve been co-sleeping with Jack, attachment parenting-style, and have, only by coincidence, adhered to a lot of Jean’s/the Yequana’s ideas, which she wrote about in her 1975 book, The Continuum Concept.
What Jean discovered in South America is this: Yequana children did not suffer from the terrible twos. They, likewise, weren’t prone to tantrums, selfishness and all the annoying nagging and whining that most American children display at home, and increasingly more common, in public.
The reason? Jean says the Yequana Indians give their infants much, much more attention in the early stages (like 0 – 6 months), yet never fall into the trap of letting the children become the center of their universe (the way many American’s do from age 6 months on).
So what do I mean by more attention in the early stages? Imagine the opposite of:
1) Putting an infant in her own room and letting her cry it out until she goes to sleep.
2) Eating on the parents’ schedule and pacifying the child when it isn’t “feeding time.”
3) Leaving the child alone with a television or inanimate objects/toys.
4) Conforming to parents’ expectations that she is basically antisocial.
So you can imagine the opposite, and that’s precisely how the Yequana people go about it, carrying the infant around on their person everywhere they go, catering to her needs, yet never giving up the daily chores (on the contrary, involving the child in them).
Infants whose continuum needs are fulfilled, according to Liedloff, have greater self-esteem and become more independent than those whose cries go unanswered for fear of spoiling them or making them too dependent. They also don’t carry on, nag, or any of those things, as already mentioned.
Obviously it’s much more involved than this and certainly many other cultures and people raise their babies similarly — not just the Yequanas. I’m boiling it down for those who are unfamiliar with these basic ideas. You can check out the The Continuum Concept book here for more. But I’d love to hear from people on both sides of this big divide. Who’s found this Yequana-style parenting works? Who hasn’t? Who firmly believe in letting your child cry it out? Why?
The Baby Talk forum is now open.
Comments (30)
Comment
We have two sons, one 3 years old, one seven months old.
Our philosophy is you can never spoil a baby that’s younger than six months. Simple.
So we don’t let the baby cry out. We let him cry for a while and then go back to comfort him.
We believe he has to know we’re there, when he’s ok but also when he’s not feeling ok.
How can he learn to let go and find his place in our structure later on if he does not feel totally cared for and secure first?
posted by Gerrit on 7-2-2008 at 8:47 am
Co-sleeping is incredibly dangerous to children. I can’t believe there are still people out there that think that this practice is healthy or acceptable. It raises the infant’s risk of suffocation exponentially and is not in any way going to increase the “bond” between the parents and the child. Please don’t do this.
posted by Mneme on 7-2-2008 at 9:22 am
I grew up in a family where the young were indulged in many ways until, abruptly, puberty. so, we were ill equipped to function independently at a normally awkward age.
The ‘Contimuum Cencept’ sounds very similar to the method I used in raising my daughter. I called it common sense. She is quite well adjusted these days.
(I can’t see letting a baby cry even ‘for a while.’ Babies cry because of need. Manipulation evolves from the experience of not having needs met, aka letting the baby cry.
posted by Bassman on 7-2-2008 at 9:38 am
Co-sleeping is not dangerous if the parents are careful, there are many tools available to allow the child their own space in the bed, but also protect him.
posted by Meg on 7-2-2008 at 9:55 am
i think your wrong mneme. people have been doing that forever, i did it with my child and since i was breastfeeding co-sleeping was the best thing for me and my baby to do .the mother can rest and the child feels secure and is doing what they love to do sucking on booby. if there is one thing i would tell anyone about to have a baby is breastfeed! you really are there for your child. not to mention they end up so healthy.
posted by meta on 7-2-2008 at 9:56 am
My wife and I have raised our three year old daughter with many of the same principles mentioned. As Bassman mentioned though it had nothing to do with learned principles, it was just common sense.
I also agree with Mneme, co-sleeping is pretty dangerous. We wanted to give our child as much attention as we could at the infant stage so we opted for a bassinet next to the bed for the first four months.
Since then we have involved her in everything we do down to the seemingly unimportant. When a child expresses interest in something you should NEVER turn them away. They have an amazing aptitude for learning at such a young age and if you encourage vs. discourage the results are amazing.
At three years old my daughter has an enormous vocabulary, insists on having at least 5 books read to her a day, knows how to swipe my debit card at the grocery (and can even remember the pattern of the PIN code) and is just enthusiastic about learning new things.
posted by Jason Hill on 7-2-2008 at 10:03 am
Co-sleeping is not dangerous. It’s dangerous for babies to sleep alone in a crib. Sleeping next to a warm body helps babies regulate their heartbeat, their breathing and their core temperature. Do you roll over on your spouse at night? You instinctually know when your baby is in bed with you, so you’ll know when something’s wrong.
It’s completely safe and natural.
posted by Kim on 7-2-2008 at 10:06 am
I totally agree, meta. The only excuses people seem to give against co-sleeping is, well, if you are obese/and or drunk and roll over you can crush your baby. When I co-sleep, I wake up much more than my son does.
posted by meridith on 7-2-2008 at 10:12 am
My daughter slept with my husband and me from the moment she was born, with the exception of nap times and any time we weren’t sleeping. I don’t know how letting a baby ‘cry it out’ has ever been helpful or healthy (or not excruciatingly annoying) for anyone. I agree with Bassman that this concept seems like common sense: see a need and fill it. Our daughter is nearly three and is quite happy and healthy, and definitely not a spoiled brat (or whatever kind of monster attentive parents are supposedly creating).
posted by adrienne on 7-2-2008 at 10:32 am
My wife and I are using the methods you’ve described as well. We just couldn’t let our daughter “cry it out”; it didn’t feel right to us. It has caused us some difficulty from time to time, but we both feel like it’s for the best in the long run. We’re also co-sleeping and it’s been a good experience for us all. There’s nothing quite like waking up on Sunday morning to my daughter patting my back and babbling away. I think this just goes to show we could learn a lot from “less-civilized” societies.
posted by SpaceMonkeyX on 7-2-2008 at 10:48 am
re: co-sleeping
I cosleep with my profoundly deaf toddler - she goes to sleep in her crib, but usually wakes up in the night crying for me, so into the bed she goes. I’ve woken up twisted and stiff from giving her primary bed use rights -but I’ve NEVER rolled over or hurt her. It is instinctive. And babies squeak when squeezed, you know? You would have to be drunk, stoned, or at the point of total exhaustion to squish a baby. I don’t really let the children cry it out unless I’ve had to get something done in that space of time, so both my kids are really confident and bonded.
posted by Marion on 7-2-2008 at 11:16 am
Whoa! There are a suprising number of you who are sleeping with your kids. As the parent of a 6 month old, I couldn’t imaging sleeping in the same bed with her.
I’m also going to go out on a limb here and say no one is going to admit to raising their kid to be the f*ck up everyone else knows they are. You know, its never your child that is a problem. Its always someone else’s.
posted by Florida on 7-2-2008 at 11:40 am
I worked in the infant room of a daycare for a few months where the policy was to let the babies cry themselves to sleep, rock their play pens if need be, but do not to pick them up. I couldn’t stand this and whenever I was left alone with them at nap time and one was crying, I would always pick him/her up and rock him/her to sleep in the rocking chair. I thought that the idea of letting the child scream until they fell asleep a very disturbing one and quit after a short while.
posted by Brittany on 7-2-2008 at 12:02 pm
In regards to co-sleeping:
There is hard data ou there that shows that co-sleeping does, in fact, raise the risk of death to an infant but its NOT because people roll over on their babies. It is because there are hazards in an adult bed that most folks remove from cribs, e.g. fluffy pillows, soft or pillow-top mattress, loose blankets and sheets, etc. If done properly, it can be as safe as a crib, and much more convenient for night feedings.
posted by Annie on 7-2-2008 at 12:27 pm
I have 4 kids and don’t really care one way or the other about the sleeping part….sometimes it’s just WAY more practical if you’re nursing an infant.
The notion that if you do this…than you’ll have more behaved children later.
hahahahahahah. Can you hear me laughing? That has nothing whatsoever to do with it. period. I know of 1 mother in particular who slept with both children until they were 5 and they were naughty in every sense.
Studies are usually pointless, and this one is. sorry to say so, but raising a good kid is all about love and consistency.
posted by Emily on 7-2-2008 at 12:28 pm
Yes, Florida! I was just thinking, “I wonder how many of these kids would meet my standards for bieing labeled well-adjusted?”
I don’t like the idea of sleeping with your kid either. I have an 11 year old cousin who still sleeps in my aunt’s bed. My poor aunt just can’t get the kid to sleep in her own bed. My cousin also has some crazy attachment issues, which I experienced first hand during one of my many nights babysitting her.
posted by Heather on 7-2-2008 at 12:36 pm
This is a topic that I’ll need to figure out for myself soon as I am pregnant but I can relate 2 of my sister’s experiences with cosleeping. My older sister has 3 boys all of whom were allowed to come into their bed anytime they wanted. The oldest is almost 13yrs, the youngest is 6. The two younger children still sleep with them almost daily. I’m not sure I can wait 12 years for a good night sleep.
My younger sister has two boys, under the age of 2, born a year apart. When the first one was born, he woke up every hour, on the hour for 6 months just to get mom in the room. It went down to every 2-3 hours when she realized for her sanity that letting him sleep in bed with her could gain her more than 60 minutes of continuous rest. He eventually became able to sleep on his own. When number 2 was born a year later, the boys woke each other up all night long. She’d get up to console one and the initial cry would wake the other. There are to many of them now to allow all four bodies in the bed at once. I’m not sure consoling the first one less, having him in bed less would have made this situation worse but it certainly isn’t making her life any better.
posted by Diane on 7-2-2008 at 12:38 pm
My husband and I never believed in letting kids “cry it out”. My son slept in our room (in a crib by the bed- I’m too sound a sleeper to be comfortable with cosleeping) until 6 months old. Now he’s 2 and falls asleep within 5 minutes of being rocked to sleep, sleeps 10 - 11 hours a night, very rarely wakes in the night, and takes a 2-3 hour nap each day. My niece is just a few days older than my son, and her parents have let her cry it out since she was 5 months old. She cries for an average of 45 minutes a night before falling asleep for 8-9 hours, often wakes in the night, and has quit napping altogether. While both kids have temper tantrums (they’re 2 after all!), my son is far better behaved and is easily able to get through a shopping trip or dinner out without being annoying to others. My niece is not. I really think this is primarily due to the fact that he is well rested and she is not.
posted by JenC on 7-2-2008 at 2:02 pm
I can’t believe how many people allow co-sleeping. The biggest reason I disagree? I have too many friends who let their kids sleep with them and now they can’t get them out of their bed. (These kids range in age from 2-6 years old that I speak of.) I never let my daughter sleep with me as an infant (she’s now 4), and lo and behold I have no problem with her wanting to get into bed with me at all. And she’s prefectly healthy and happy, to boot.
posted by Krie on 7-2-2008 at 3:52 pm
Ok people, bottom line here - Every Child Is Different! I’m sure any parent with more than on child will agree that even if something worked flawlessly with one child it might not work with the other. You do whatever works.
Personally I agree with “crying it out” but in specific ways. You can’t spoil a child younger than 6 months, they don’t understand cause and effect yet. And there must be a limit on how long you let them cry in case there really is something wrong, you have to pay attention.
posted by Em on 7-2-2008 at 3:58 pm
My spouse rolls over on me all the time. He’s a heavy sleeper and I don’t think cosleeping with our infant would be safe. Having the kid in the room with you, in a bassinet, is perfectly OK and it quite honestly doesn’t make any difference in terms of “bonding”.
But cosleeping IS statistically proven to be dangerous (at least in terms of children under two) and not only that, it encourages bad habits in the children who are allowed to do it. Like Krie above stated, I don’t know anyone who cosleeps that has gotten their kids to sleep in their OWN beds yet - and some of these kids are in the third and fourth grades at this point. That’s a little weird, if you ask me.
Also, I don’t even want to know what the sex lives of these parents are like that have kids that old sleeping with them.
posted by Mneme on 7-2-2008 at 5:05 pm
I also subscribe to the ‘common sense’ parenting approach. At 2, my daughter is happy, whip-smart, healthy, and just an all-around pleasant child, if I do say so myself.
We didn’t co-sleep, mostly because The Child turns into Joe Louis in her sleep and is a kick/punch/smack machine. Girlfriend needs her space, I guess.
I know some parents of utterly miserable children who read EVERY book out there and are compulsively reading every message board they can find on the Internet, desperately looking for validation of the choices they make. I say, put the books down, log off the computer, and pay attention to your kid!
If what you’re doing is working for you, then it should matter what some jackass commenter on a message board/blog thinks.
posted by Rachel on 7-2-2008 at 5:16 pm
I think Americans are way too caught up in the idea that they have to raise an independent child. Some women push the child out, they throw them into their “own” room and can’t wait to get back to work! That child has to be independent if they’re going to survive in daycare right?
Co-sleeping is natural. Breastfeeding is natural. Taking care of your child is natual. You are responsible for your children!
posted by Sh on 7-2-2008 at 6:16 pm
ok- i’m going to admit that i don’t personally have any kids of my own, but like most people i have done some babysitting.
my only thought is why would you want to leave a baby all alone in a room by itself anyhow? doesn’t it just make it faster if you’re both going to wake up and at least one of you is going to be moving around to just leave the baby in the same room and then take care of whatever it needs then?
i’m sure by the time the kid is big enough for it’s own bed it should be cool with going to another room. but i’ve also noticed if you sleep with the kid past a certain age, they won’t leave the damn bed and then you have to deal wioth the whole temper tantrum about bed having to listen to them cry for, like half an hour. what does that really prove?
i don’t know if it’s that likely to roll over on a baby- do you roll over on the cat or dog that also hogs your bed? babies are about the same size.
posted by Sue on 7-2-2008 at 9:12 pm
I breastfed also.. we co-slept about 1/2 the night. Once she woke up I went ahead and brought her into bed with me so that she could feed while I napped. It worked great and I was never tired since I actually got to sleep!
I never let her cry it out, and she was sleeping like a champ, through the entire night and on her own at a fairly early age. She was also very easy to wean and has always been a smiley and happy baby. I also agree that she is a very mild tempered child and rarely has a ‘fit’… I personally think it’s because I always paid so much attention to her that she is more secure and confident! HOWEVER I also believe that some children just have different personalities, and some children will be difficult no matter what you do, so parents shouldn’t necessarily feel guilty if they have a tempermental child.
Co-sleeping is very safe if you do it the right way. They make lots of products now that allow you to co-sleep safely including a 1/2 crib that actually attaches to the side of your bed so that you are co-sleeping but in separate areas (if that makes sense). I LOVED it, can’t beat a good nights sleep! The baby sleeps much better next to you.
posted by Kelly on 7-2-2008 at 9:33 pm
FBF DBH BVCVVVVVCXCZXCXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
…as typed by my 3 1/2 yr old. It’s a glaring example (IMHO) of why looking at our children from a simple, indigenous jungle folk point of view is irrelevant for the most part. My son is pretty well versed in the use of a computer (although he obviously can’t spell yet!), and is able to navigate his fav CDs by himself. Certainly not something he would even be exposed to as a jungle child. Conversely, he is totally incapable of identifying edible plants in the bush, and will never need hunting skills at an early age. The society he lives is so far removed from theirs I can’t even see comparing them.
For example, carrying my son around everywhere I go would be great for both of us (’cept maybe for my back!). But I am a professional with a full time job that wouldn’t be possible with a child on my hip. Stay home I hear someone say? Sure; you cover all my medical bills, my retirement funds and pay for food, room and board for us. These South American folk raise children they way they do because they can, as do we and most other societies. It doesn’t make our child raising practices, nor theirs, wrong; just different.
Btw, we never did a family bed; my lil guy was in his own room by 2 months, and I was back to work in 3. And he’s a happy, bright, independent, well-adjusted lil boy who I suspect will grow up to be a lovely young man.
posted by Alli on 7-3-2008 at 9:35 am
It’s all a matter of personal choice.
We have co-slept now for three, almost four years. We are working on getting her in her own bed-and she’s doing quite well. What it comes down to for me is that her needs are more important right now than mine.
Also I have worked full time since she was 3 months old, so I feel like she gets bonus bonding time. My husband and I never felt good about letting her cry AT ALL, let alone in the night. They are only little once. And I could care less if people disagree. I’ll be the one taking responsibility for my child’s behavior later on, for better or worse.
Oh, and Mneme: you’re assuming that lovin’ can only take place in the parents’ bedroom. It’s called getting creative, which in turn keeps my marriage fresh and exciting. ;) Sorry for TMI, I just felt that point had to be made.
posted by mrs.djs on 7-3-2008 at 11:11 am
just because your co-sleeping with your kid doesn’t mean that it has to last forever, at 8 monthes she was sleeping in her own bed. you just have to have the stick it out to do it. and dont give up and let them sleep in the bed. because then you are going to have to start all over again!!
posted by meta on 7-3-2008 at 1:49 pm
I never want to be a yuppie parent, yikes.
posted by a normie on 7-4-2008 at 3:21 am
Damned yuppies.
posted by normal person on 7-4-2008 at 3:27 am