mental_floss magazine
SUBSCRIBE >
GIFT SUBSCRIPTIONS >
DIGITAL SUBSCRIPTIONS >
subscriber services >
by - July 18, 2008 - 1:06 PM
When my friend Sam told me he’d be spending a year in Kabul, Afghanistan to make documentary films, I thought, boy’s gone crayzay! But now that he’s there, and seems to be not only surviving but thriving, the reality of his situation has become clear to me: it’s blog gold. Thus, I present what I hope will become a regular or at least a once-in-awhile feature here, in which Sam (at left, not wearing hat) will talk about not only the Flossier side of life in a war zone, but some of the trials and triumphs he’s experienced while there. We’d also love to give our readers a chance to ask Sam some questions, so if there’s anything you want to know, or you’d like him to discuss, speak up! He’s our man in Afghanistan.
For this installment, I wanted to keep it light and practical, so Sam cooked up this handy step-by-step guide on how to buy, slaughter and spit-roast a sheep (for your girlfriend’s thirtieth birthday) in Afghanistan. Enjoy — and bon appetit!
This is a tale of love, sheep, and the perfect birthday present.
I arrived only recently in Kabul, and shortly after I got here, my girlfriend had the pleasure of turning 30. The charity she works for has its offices in a large fort here in Kabul, and they had already planned a party for her in their spacious courtyard. But with her birthday rapidly approaching, and her 20s rapidly receding, I still hadn’t gotten her a present. I didn’t want to buy her another head scarf, and I seem to have atrocious taste in jewelry, so I had very few options, considering the absence of Nordstroms and Bergdorm Goodmans here in Kabul. So I hopped in a taxi and decided to roam the streets, my eyes peeled.
In addition to hosting thirty years of war, Kabul is also host to some of the world’s worst traffic. Cars and trucks and hand drawn carts fight for position on the dusty streets, seemingly unaware of any traffic laws. [Ed. note: Kabul has only one set of working traffic lights for more than 600,000 cars; its roads were built 50 years ago to accommodate just 50,000 cars, and haven't been updated since. Here's a video of nightmare traffic in Kabul.]
The situation is complicated by herds of sheep, which wander at will through the city from one trash pile to the next. These herds supply Kabul with its main supply of meat, and you can wander down streets with rows of butcher shops with fresh carcasses in the windows. Just then, as I was mulling the situation, stuck in traffic, my cab driver furiously honking at one of these herds of sheep crossing the road, wondering if I was perhaps the worst birthday present buyer in history, it hit me. In a flash of insight, I astounded myself by coming up with the perfect gift (or at least it seemed that way at the time).
Here, then, are my 10 easy steps for slaughtering and spit-roasting a sheep for someone’s 30th birthday.
1) Purchase sheep.
This is not that hard. Walk up to a sheep-herder (usually found near large piles of trash), and hand him $100. He will eagerly show you the best of his flock, although actually selecting one can be more challenging. I would avoid the one munching on discarded diapers.
2) Transport sheep to the fort.
Or wherever you plan to boil and spit-roast the sucker. This is not easy, and entails a fair amount of sheep wrangling skills (which I learned on the job; not recommended). And a truck.
3) Hang out with sheep
… while you wait for the butcher to arrive. (No, I didn’t kill it myself). Try to avoid looking into its eyes as it follows you around, looking for more diapers to munch on.
4) Slaughter sheep.
Have you ever heard the expression, “like a sheep to the slaughter?” Well, I now know where it comes from. It is both comforting and horrifying to realize that your newly purchased sheep has no idea what awaits it as the butcher holds his cleaver over its throat. Thankfully, it’s over soon. And after the butcher deftly skins and guts it, you are now the proud owner of a sheep carcass.
5) Boil sheep.
This step can probably be skipped in other countries, but here in Afghanistan the sheep are notoriously tough, which I assume comes from their exclusive trash diet. If this is the case, boiling the carcass before roasting it will soften it up. First, build a fire. Then, if you’re like me, realize that the pot you have is nowhere near large enough to fit a whole sheep in. Frantically hunt for a larger pot. Rebuild fire. Fill pot with water. Stuff sheep in pot. Realize that you can’t lift it. Empty pot. Put pot on fire. Fill with water. Stuff with sheep. Wait for it to boil. Stoke fire. Wait some more while relishing in your accomplishments thus far:
6) Marinate sheep.
After it has boiled for two hours or so, the sheep is ready for marinating. I recommend a mixture of olive oil, lemon juice, garlic, and dried herbs. Remember to keep the lemon halves to stuff in the cavity.
7) Spit sheep.
Assuming you had the foresight to actually purchase a spit (or the good sense to know somebody who owns one), this part is surprisingly easy. Just take a 3” diameter metal spit and maneuver it in through the neck and out the anus. (Gross, I know, but important nonetheless. You don’t want the thing you spent all day wrangling and butchering to fall into the fire you’re trying to cook it over.) Just remember to screw a bolt through the ribs so that it will turn with the spit.
8) Cook sheep.
I recommend opening a beer at this stage, and enlisting helpers. For some reason, people get really excited about turning a spitted sheep over a fire. Just remember to keep basting it with the marinade as it cooks, or it’ll dry out.
9) Remove sheep from spit and carve.
Carving a sheep is nothing like carving a Thanksgiving turkey, and if you’re doing it in Afghanistan you probably won’t have the benefit of an electric carving knife. Find a clean surface and lay the sheep down. Get a buddy to help you, and remove the legs from the body with a sharp knife. This will make carving the body meat a lot easier. By this time, though, friends and gawkers nearby have usually had a few drinks and have been salivating over the roasting sheep for a few hours already, and because the previous eight steps took a little longer than they anticipated, it’s hard to stop a ravenous, slightly tipsy crowd from carving the sheep while it’s still on the spit. (If that’s the case, I recommend giving up control at this point.)
10) Pass out.
After selecting, purchasing, slaughtering, spitting, and roasting the sheep, and having a few beers, I fell asleep somewhere during step 9 and never got to eat it. Apparently it was good — at least according to my girlfriend, which was all that mattered.
Comments (31)
Comment
- Follow mental_floss
A proud man and his meat.
posted by RSN on 7-18-2008 at 1:33 pm
He IS Flossy! Just what Afghanistan was missing!
Liked the post very much (I am a vegetarian :o). Look forward to his dispatches!
posted by septer on 7-18-2008 at 1:48 pm
Great post. I doubt I will ever need this knowledge but still great to know.
posted by G on 7-18-2008 at 1:50 pm
Nice! I would love a sheep for my birthday present! I think it’s a little harder here in the States though. Sounds like at least it was tasty and your gf liked her present. 10 points! :)
posted by OnigiriFB on 7-18-2008 at 1:52 pm
I have to admit I was a bit surprised to see the houses in the background images in Kabul, are those recently built around the base, or is that how people in Afghanistan typically live? Are they as nice as they look (they look like my house in the suburbs), or are my eyes hiding something.
posted by Witty Nickname on 7-18-2008 at 2:04 pm
Hmmm, I really liked this post. Don’t think I’ll ever buy/cook/eat a goat, but for future reference I’m filing this in my ‘Just in Case’ brain slot.
posted by adrienne on 7-18-2008 at 2:30 pm
Great work, Sam! The picture of you boiling the sheep made me laugh out loud at work. I’m looking forward to this series too!
posted by kate on 7-18-2008 at 2:39 pm
Did anyone else notice those are goats, not sheep?
I’m not going hunting with you Sam….sorry :)
~Bethy
posted by Bethy on 7-18-2008 at 2:48 pm
You never know, Adrienne. You never know.
posted by Ransom Riggs on 7-18-2008 at 2:48 pm
Great post! Tales from the front and all.
Here’s my question: My father lived for a number of years in Beirut then Saudi Arabia. He told us the the Guest of Honor at a ‘goat-grab’ is served the goat’s eyesballs (delicacy?). Is this true or was he just joshing us?
I’ve always wondered
posted by JaneM on 7-18-2008 at 3:45 pm
@Ransom, You have some website! Very Cool.
@Betty – I never realized that until you mentioned!!!
posted by septer on 7-18-2008 at 3:47 pm
I do have to say tho that I LOVED this article :) Sam has a sense of humor I could get used to….keep up the good work Sam and Ransom! :)
~Bethy
posted by Bethy on 7-18-2008 at 3:52 pm
Well, yes, they are goats! But that’s OK – the process works for both goats AND sheep!
posted by Penny on 7-18-2008 at 4:02 pm
Cool and cultural! Thanks guys!
posted by Johnny Cat on 7-18-2008 at 4:14 pm
2 problems with this story. First, your first beer isn’t until step 8??? Second, I still haven’t recovered from the curried goat I had on Grand Cayman a few years ago. Make it roasted pork please.
posted by SDPaddlefish on 7-18-2008 at 4:56 pm
I’m no ovine expert, but the so-called “sheep” looked a lot like a goat to me. Whatever it was, I’m glad it was tasty.
posted by Meghan on 7-18-2008 at 5:29 pm
@ Ransom: You’re right. I’ll file it closer to the front, in case I’m at a sheep-spit party this summer. On an unrelated note, I’m envious of Afghanistan Sam’s awesome nickname. I’m officially in the market for one of my own. (ReCAPTCHA suggests ‘Shippey Rabino,’ but I’m not feelin’ it.)
posted by adrienne on 7-18-2008 at 5:46 pm
Betty,
Those are definitely fat-tailed sheep, not goats. They are exquisitely delicious animals, especially with the fatty portion from the rear-ends roasted with the meat.
Afghanistan Sam,
What’s the deal with that bombed out castle near Kart e Seh? Did you ever go golfing at the Kabul Golf Course? Ever been to the hospital over there?
posted by Peter on 7-18-2008 at 5:51 pm
Awesome post, sir!
posted by Chris Higgins on 7-19-2008 at 1:23 am
Great post. I am stationed in Jalalabad Afghanistan right now and would love to see what is happening just over the mountains.
posted by Gregory Clark on 7-19-2008 at 7:03 am
Thanks for the great responses! I’m glad you liked the post.
To respond to your questions:
JaneM: don’t know about the eyeballs. Although the butcher did run off with the head, so who knows?
Mr. Nickname: Kabul is a pretty big city, and while a lot of people do live in humble dwellings, there are some very nice houses here. Most of the poorer people live on the hills which surround the city in small concrete or packed earth huts, where they can avoid the zoning laws.
Peter: yep, I think these are fat-tailed sheep. I had never seen them before coming to Kabul, but they have huge bums (you can sort of see one in the first pic). But I’ve never really been that clear on the differences between sheep and goats, so perhaps someone can illuminate me…
I haven’t been to the bombed out castle or the hospital, but I have played on the golf course. Perhaps I’ll make that the subject of a future post. What do you say?
posted by Sam on 7-20-2008 at 5:52 am
Very nice article! I’d love to see what an Afghani golf course looks like… Are the greens green?
They look to be sheep, although in the photos it’s hard to tell for sure. One of the easiest ways is to look at the tail — if it sticks up, it’s a goat; if it hangs down, it’s a sheep. Most domestic sheep you’ll see in the US will have had their tails docked, because they tend to collect poo (and flies, which is bad) if left long. Also, sheep like to hang out together in a flock, whereas goats are happier alone.
posted by Dave on 7-20-2008 at 10:06 am
thanks Dave!
Well these are definitely sheep then — they fit your criteria — no tails, huge bums, large, traffic-blocking flocks.
And the greens on the Kabul golf course shouldn’t really be classified as such — they are raked gravel… makes it a bit hard to put!
posted by Sam on 7-20-2008 at 10:55 am
This was awesome! Laugh out loud funny and a nice little snippet of Kabul. Keep it up!
posted by tommy g on 7-20-2008 at 12:27 pm
And I was just looking for dinner ideas. :)
posted by Stephanie on 7-20-2008 at 3:18 pm
SAM!!
Tremendous knowledge on display here, sir. I might just try and mount a sheep roasting party in your honor.
posted by Brower on 7-21-2008 at 10:09 am
WOW! So you learn something on this site EVERY day! I’d have sworn those were goats based on the floppy ears and the lack of a heavy coat typically seen on sheep for shearing. A quick trip to wikipedia revealed that those ARE definitely fat-tailed sheep…thanks Peter for setting me straight!
Sam, maybe next time you’ll get a chance to sample your sheep :)
Keep the stories coming!
~Bethy
posted by Bethy on 7-22-2008 at 4:48 pm
Man, Sam…u r one hell of a guy!
Loved the writing style, as I can pretty much picture you telling it and actually hear your voice in my head. But, seriously, gotta hand it to you! After reading, I almost considered becoming a vegetarian…=)
suerte and take care,
th-
posted by Thais Mariz on 7-23-2008 at 9:00 am
Sammy! Love it!! I’m sad that you passed out before the meat was carved of the still rotating spit, but hey, passing out has its own level of enjoyment.
Quick question….if sheep is for the 30th birthday, what’s for the 35th? I just need a couple years to make sure to get all the appropriate items together and maybe expand my backyard depending on how large the animal is.
posted by CraftMafia on 7-24-2008 at 8:10 am
Sam,
I would love an article about your time at the golf course, but also some of the extremely backwards things you experienced throughout Afghanistan, a la the “blacks” instead of the greens on the course.
posted by Peter on 7-28-2008 at 7:35 pm
Nice, I’m Lovin’ it.
posted by Haroon Ahmad on 8-8-2008 at 10:02 am