David K. Israel
By the byline
by David K. Israel - September 13, 2006 - 1:41 PM

flight.gifGOOD morning, ladies and gentlemen. We are delighted to welcome you aboard Veritas Airways, the airline that tells it like it is. Please ensure that your seat belt is fastened, your seat back is upright and your tray-table is stowed. At Veritas Airways, your safety is our first priority. Actually, that is not quite true: if it were, our seats would be rear-facing, like those in military aircraft, since they are safer in the event of an emergency landing. But then hardly anybody would buy our tickets and we would go bust…

So begins the funniest article I’ve ever read to date in The Economist. Who knew the magazine even did comedy? The article is called “Welcome aboard” and is a send-up parodying the not-so-truthful in-flight announcements we hear every time we step foot on a plane. I wish I could tell you the name behind this hilarious spoof, but The Economist has always had a “no byline” policy, which can be maddening in times like these.

Other than when reporters went out on strike at some newspapers like The Washington Post and Wall Street Journal some years ago, I don’t know of a major news publication other than The Economist where the writers’ names are withheld.

And this got me wondering: how many of you stop to notice who writes the articles you read, anyway? I’d be curious to know. If the article isn’t by someone like Maureen Dowd, does it even matter?

Meanwhile, I know you’re itching to read the rest of the brilliant, anonymous piece quoted above. Luckily, a blogger has taken the time to type it up for you, verbatim right here. And here’s another preview: “Your life-jacket can be found under your seat, but please do not remove it now. In fact, do not bother to look for it at all. In the event of a landing on water, an unprecedented miracle will have occurred, because in the history of aviation the number of wide-bodied aircraft that have made successful landings on water is zero.”

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Comments (4)

  1. I read an article years ago that mentioned backward-facing seats were the safest in case of a crash, but the reason that buses and planes didn’t have them (and why trains only have a few) is because a lot of people who aren’t normally affected by motion sickness get nauseous when riding backwards.

    The bit about no successful water landings was an eye opener; I’ve been on several British Airway flights that actually show BA flight attendants in the water during the safety video. They were showing how to use the whistle that was attached (to get the attention of passing ships, I guess). They went to great lengths to convince us that water landings were not only common, but easily survivable.

    posted by Jill on 9-13-2006 at 1:55 pm

  2. I took a flight once, a short flight on a commuter airline, and the flight attendants were hilarious. My favorite was about the oxygen masks, “if you are traveling with a child (or anyone acting like a child) put the mask on yourself first and then help them.” They also said any personal belongings left behind would be sorted out and shared with the crew. It was an enjoyable flight.

    posted by Lee on 9-13-2006 at 2:41 pm

  3. Not quite true. There is the famous one that crash-landed in shallow water with quite a few survivors (it’s famous because you’ve probably seen the video):

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ethiopian_Airlines_Flight_961

    Also, can’t remember exactly, but a plane went off the end of a runway into the ocean a few years back. Pretty sure there were no fatalities, and those lifesavers probably came into use.

    posted by Simon on 9-13-2006 at 3:43 pm

  4. If I like the article, I always make a point of seeing who wrote it.

    Usually the last thing I read in my MF magazine is the ‘Contributors” section. I read it last so that I can associate the work with the writer.

    BTW, It would be nice to throw some of your regular writers into that section from time to time, so that we get to know them better.

    posted by n2y2 on 9-13-2006 at 7:16 pm

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