mental_floss magazine
SUBSCRIBE >
GIFT SUBSCRIPTIONS >
DIGITAL SUBSCRIPTIONS >
subscriber services >
“What is it that you do, exactly?”
You asked, we answered. We dug deep to find the dirt on a few of the most vaguely named and/or unknown professions in our American capitalist system.
1. Surveyor
“What could he possibly be looking at? How long does he have to stand there? Are they even writing anything down?”
Be honest, you’ve been DYING to know what those people with the little tripods are staring at on the side of the road. According to landsurveyors.us, those vest-wearing folks are out there to “mark the boundaries of land, create maps and legal descriptions, and plan and organize the development of property.” Inspired by the persisting spirit of Manifest Destiny, these men and women are soldiers for one of our most cherished rights: the right to own property, put a fence around it, and grow hedges to keep out the neighbors.
Those nifty little tripod doohickeys (actually called “transit levels”) are just one tool used in a massive amount of data gathering about any plane of land space. From there, surveyors can determine the best place to mark the corner of a property, re-establish property lines, give advice and council to a building developer, and (perhaps their most important job) interpret the legal speak from a land deed written 65 years ago.
Despite the many hours of painstaking measurements that a surveyor might take on a piece of land, surveyors apparently like to think of their job as “much an art as it is a science.” Which is a poetic way of telling you up front that no two land surveys are likely to be identical, and that the way we draw boundaries and maps remains fluid and changing over time. That means as long as the way we look at land is always changing, there will always be work for the guys in the vests with the little tripod thingies. Well played, surveyors. Well played.
2. Orderly
First things first, let’s get this straight—there is absolutely nothing orderly about cleaning out bed pans for the invalid, infirm and elderly. It should most definitely be called something more like, “unavoidably messy” or at the very least, “somewhat tricky”. Nevertheless, Orderly is the title that has been applied to the multi-functional hospital employees who, for a lack of a better explanatory phrase, do all the dirty work. Orderlies can be called upon to do just about anything in a hospital room, except administer any kind of medicine. They lift, carry, clean, restrain, record vitals, give sponge baths, and encourage/assist patients to ingest questionably edible hospital cuisine. You know the guy who rolls patients to the door of the hospital in a wheel chair even if they were admitted for measles? That’s an orderly. They do it all!
The common myth is that “orderly” is another word for male nurse, but there is nothing exclusionary about the gender of this chosen profession. The reason that it tends to be dude-heavy is just simple physics: lifting heavy, incapacitated patients in and out of bed is not a job for the petite. Strong ladies with developed upper bodies: feel free to apply!
3. Surgeon General
We felt kind of stupid for having to put this one on the list, but seriously, what does this person do other than come up with tiny little warnings? Do you actually have to be a surgeon to claim this title?
Most of what I know about the Surgeon General comes from an episode of The West Wing. Once I decided to research beyond our nifty West Wing DVD box set, I discovered that the Surgeon General is responsible for articulating and orchestrating federal health initiatives on issues like worldwide disease, illegal drug use and safe sex practices. They also educate the public on a variety of pressing health concerns. (For example, how to eat your food in a pyramid-like fashion, how many minutes a day you need to move your lazy butt so as to avoid getting diabetes, and, of course, how smoking is nuts.) And no, they don’t actually have to be a surgeon.
So where does the “general” part come in? The Surgeon General holds the rank of a three-star Admiral while in office, authorizing him or her to command the 6,000 Commissioned Corps of the U.S. Public Health Service who are on call 24 hours a day, waiting to jump into action in the event of a national health crisis (mad cows, flu-ridden birds, salmonella salad dressing on spinach, etc.). So when our worst nightmares come true and someone drops a vial of the plague in Times Square, it’s the calming voice of the Surgeon General that we will be turning to for advice, counsel and directions to the closest quarantine facility.
4. Best Boy
In an industry lousy with panty-less starlets, Christmas-tree-tackling alcoholics, and sex tapes that get released “accidentally on purpose,” we wouldn’t be surprised if movie studios handed out a job title just for showing up on time and being on your best behavior. However, the true origin of “Best Boy” comes from the days of merry Olde England, when a master artist would take on apprentices, who would learn his craft. The best boy in that case was the Master’s oldest, most trusted apprentice, who would keep the other yahoos in line.
Most movie sets will actually have two best boys—one who serves as the first assistant to the Gaffer (chief electrician) and one who answers directly to the Key Grip. Which of course, begs the question, “What the heck is a grip?” Grips are the guys (or gals) who literally hold and/or move things around on set. They might grasp a boom mic, set up lighting equipment for the gaffer and his electricians, or haul materials around for the set builders to use to create another scene. There is a small sub-set of grips who specialize in the set up and use of dolly tracks—smooth moving tracks upon which they set a special camera apparatus—which are used to get those fluid, moving shots where the camera has to follow the action (called “tracking shots”). The one person that is in charge of the subset of dolly setter-uppers is of course, the Head Dolly. (Yeah, we had hoped that one would have a cooler story behind it too.)
5. Baby Wrangler
This is our new favorite movie credit job title. “Baby Wrangler” is the cutesy name given to credit the Registered Nurse who is required by law to be on set if there are any babies in the production. If you want, feel free to join us as we instead choose to visualize someone guarding an entire pen full of babies and then, when called upon, searches her herd for the one who isn’t pooping or crying and hands them off to be in the next shot.
6. Ombudsman
This has to be one of the more ominous sounding job titles out there – possibly because it starts with the same two letters as “ominous,” but also because if you need an ombudsman, it probably means some dank, smelly excrement has hit the fan. Whenever you’ve got a potentially explosive and litigious conflict between two entities, these guys are called in to be the middlemen, the mediators, and the last stop on the train to Lawsuit City. They attempt to resolve conflicts between private citizens and the government, disgruntled students and their university, or between an employee and his or her soul-sucking employer. Fired unfairly? Expelled without due process? Denied federal benefits? Tell it to the ombudsman.
Many news organizations (mental_floss excluded) appoint ombudsmen to handle reader complaints. We’ll put this on a list, along with “airline counter employee” and “DMV clerk,” of Jobs for Masochists Only.
7. City Controller
Okay, at first glance, this seems like one of the more awesome jobs in existence. The title conjures images of a guy in front of a huge computer screen that takes up an entire wall, manipulating traffic lights, launching helicopters, and barking orders at his meek mayor and subservient councilmen, all while looking down on the city he controls from the top of its highest sky scraper—and (it should go without saying) cackling maniacally. In actuality, the person with this title is probably sitting in front of a desk covered in balance sheets, ripping handfuls of hair out of his or her head while looking over the budget and expenses from every single city department, agency, board, commission, and elected office. Yup—a city controller is an accountant.
As it turns out, there is more than one glorified term to describe a number cruncher. Perhaps you’ve heard of a comptroller? Guess what: same thing as a controller – just with one über-annoying letter change. Ditto for the title of Bursar, except they manage the money owed by piss-poor college students (or their parents) for tuition, housing and other miscellaneous and expensive fees associated with higher education.
8. Riverkeeper
If a riverbed dries up, does it make a sound? Yes—the sound of a sobbing Riverkeeper who then tries to refill the river with a million tiny tears. Okay, we’re being a tad dramatic, but the job of Riverkeeper (along with coastal keepers, inlet keepers, creek keepers, stream keepers, and lake keepers) is to monitor the status of his assigned body of H2O, keeping careful watch over pollution, water levels, and erosion. Riverkeepers also have to stay on top of water usage habits and commercial and residential development in any area that feeds off of the river’s water supply.
If a land developer or business is abusing their water source or polluting, riverkeepers get to play the role of whistleblower. In other words, if Captain Planet and his pre-teen Planeteers were around today, this would have been the primo dream job for the kid who represented “Water.” Meanwhile the kid who was assigned to “Fire” is still waiting around for Smokey the Bear to step down and retire.
Jenn Thompson is a freelance writer for publications including Charlotte Magazine, Variety, and Time Out.
Comments (24)
Comment
Nice article. But you should know that the exact duties of a land surveyor are classified. All I can tell you is that when we’re in front of your home or office, we’re actually there to observe you for the local, state or national government. Our “transits” (referred to as “total stations” in my area) are actually cameras with 30 power lenses. Smile!
Okay, so they’re not cameras…but you’d never guess by all the folks waving, honking their horns as they drive by and asking us to “take their picture.” They actually do have a 30 power lens, however.
To answer the question about not writing stuff down, we now use data collectors that take care of that function. It’s the yellow box hanging off the front of the tripod in the picture above.
Kevin
Land Surveyor (the step-kids of the engineering world) ;)
posted by KVS on 9-8-2008 at 2:35 pm
Great article!
posted by Jenny on 9-8-2008 at 2:47 pm
Thanks for the Ombudsman clarification!
posted by septer on 9-8-2008 at 3:33 pm
My daughter attends a Montessori school, and they hired an “ombudsman” last year. I met her and asked what I thought was a reasonable question – “What is an ombudsman?” – and she looked at me like I was an idiot. All I could ever gather was that it was synonymous with “Vice Principal.” (Not that I’m clear on what Vice Principals actually do, for that matter.)
Reading that an ombudsman is called in for a “potentially explosive and litigious conflict” — in the context of a school of pre-school to middle school age kids — just makes me smile.
posted by Ms. B on 9-8-2008 at 3:33 pm
Thank you!! Finally someone told me what a Best Boy is!
recaptcha found culture
posted by JaneM on 9-8-2008 at 3:42 pm
My husband thinks it’s a riot that a Surgeon General, C. Everett Koop, a Navy Admiral and therefor a sailor, was advising people to practice safe sex. The irony was unbearable! :)
posted by Beth on 9-8-2008 at 4:06 pm
Thanks!
I always wondered what a Key Grip and and Best Boy did.
recaptcha light fixing
posted by Michelle on 9-8-2008 at 4:07 pm
Grrrr! That’s NOT what “begs the question” means! I expected mental_floss, of all places, to be immune to such folly!
Now you must post an article explaining the correct usage to everyone to make up for it.
posted by Bucko on 9-8-2008 at 4:19 pm
The Surgeon General isn’t called that because he (or she) holds a quasi-military rank, but because the position derives from the days when high-ranking officers, military and otherwise, were referred to as “-General” to denote that they served at higher levels (cf. Attorney-General, which has never been a military title).
posted by Etrigan on 9-8-2008 at 5:37 pm
But what about “Community Organizer”??
posted by PartiallyDeflected on 9-8-2008 at 9:33 pm
Shouldn’t it be Surgeon Admiral then?
posted by Alareth on 9-8-2008 at 10:09 pm
Okay okay, I’m glad you threw in Ombudsman, but there are other forms of that line of work that don’t require masochism. When I studied Human & Family Development, we had an alumna come in and talk to us about her job as an Ombudsman for the elderly (Long Term Care Ombudsman). She basically just went around to nursing homes and made sure the residents were being treated alright.
In the military, Ombudsman is not quite a full-time or even a professional job, but usually some guy’s wife who is the communication link between the commanding officer and the families. This job may or may not smile back at you, but you have to find yourself a military spouse before you can sign up.
posted by catherine ann on 9-8-2008 at 10:26 pm
OK, I have a question since we’re on the subject of odd-sounding job titles.
I once saw an ad in a newspaper looking for an experienced “tap pitcher”. The ad said in big bold letters, “IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT A TAP PITCHER IS, DON’T CALL US AND ASK!!!” All right, I thought, I won’t call and ask.
It’s bugged me for years. What is a “tap pitcher” and what do they do?!?!?!
Someone please tell me so I can sleep at night. :-/
posted by dooflotchie on 9-8-2008 at 10:46 pm
I spent a few very hot and humid summers on a surveying crew in East TN and I LOVED it. The person with the huge transit standing out by the road is usually a crew chief. What you often don’t see is the “rod-man” (I know, I giggled too) who is often hundreds of yards away. They carry an extendable aluminum rod with a prism on top that captures and reflects the laser that the transit sends out. The laser bounces back to the transit. Measurements taken this way can be computed into elevation and distance. The rodman also has to carry, on any given day: machete, metal detector, 15 to 20 peices of 1 ft long steel rebar, wooden stakes, large nails, and pretty pink surveying tape.
That also just happened to be the best summer job ever, if you count hiking up to 10-20 miles a day in the East Tennessee mountains carrying over 75 pounds of equipment. And I did.
By they way – if there are any other surveyors out there and I’ve explained something wrong please let me know. That’s just how my crew told me everything worked!
posted by Julesie on 9-9-2008 at 8:28 am
Your explanation of a Best Boy is correct, but your description of a grip is not. Grips don’t just move the stuff around the set, and they don’t set up lighting equipment.
The electricians set up lights. Grips sculpt and manipulate the light using various tools of the trade (screens, flags, etc.) to achieve the director of photography’s desired effect.
Most grips (the good ones, anyway) are jacks-of-all-trades with the ability to solve many problems that arise on a film set, their job is to work with the electricians to properly light a scene.
Think of it like this: the electricians (led by the Gaffer) set up the lights, and the grips (led by the Key Grip) bend the light.
The Dolly Grip runs the dolly but is not the only person to set up dolly track.
The Key Grip is also responsible for safety on set. If he/she deems something too dangerous, it’s his job to keep if from happening.
posted by 8rustystaples on 9-9-2008 at 9:28 am
Its become a bit of an issue for me to be reading the comments that follow an article, looking for flashes of insight from my fellow FlossFans, only to find a number of people correcting the grammer and usage of the author. I was always taught if you aren’t adding anything to the conversation, stop talking…or typing, as the case may be.
posted by Kim on 9-9-2008 at 10:03 am
@Kim: I like the _floss for being a place where a self-described nerd can come and [usually] not have to roll her eyes and be annoyed at the grammar errors that run rampant around the rest of the internet. Therefore, the folks who point out the mistakes in the original post are My Kind of People. Most of the time, the mistakes are pointed out in a polite way, so what’s the issue?
I very much expect my mental_floss bloggers to be better at grammar than I am – otherwise, I’d be working for the _floss myself.
(and I shall refrain from mentioning that pointing out people’s corrections of other people’s mistakes doesn’t add to the conversation either…. oops. ;) )
posted by Rachel on 9-9-2008 at 11:13 am
Aha! That’s what an Ombudsman is! I work for a University and the Ombudsman’s office is on another floor in my building. No one ever seems to know what they do, so thanks for clarifying =).
posted by CK on 9-9-2008 at 11:42 am
@ Julesie,
You’re assessment is correct. The rodman is the person with the least experience and, as such, is essentially the bitch of the crew.
My father is a land surveyor/civil engineer so my summer job every year until I graduated HS was land surveying (Apparently I wasn’t qualified to have a summer job civil engineering) and being the 12, 13, 14, etc. year old of the crew resulted in me always being the rodman. You mention hiking through the TN mountains; I had the pleasure of working in the mangrove swamps of the Florida Keys. Nothing says awesome summer job like 100 degrees temperatures, 100% humidity, and mosquitoes so thick you actually breathe them in. However, on the flip side was coming across the occasional endangered species sightings (especially key deer), pot bush or naked sunbather.
But as technology has progressed the need for the rodman has dwindled. Many surveyors have replaced their rodman with excruciatingly accurate GPS devices, essentially eliminating the need for anyone to hold prisms anymore.
@ PartiallyDeflected
Think of a “community organizer” as similar to being mayor of a rinky dink town, but without access to Congressional earmarks.
posted by Florida on 9-9-2008 at 2:10 pm
Amen Kim, I feel the same way.
BTW, my job title is Mortgage Sales Production Associate which is a really fancy way of saying Assistant
posted by wheel on 9-9-2008 at 2:39 pm
Ha, wheel. I’m in mortgage processing too. I guess we mortgage production types just see eye to eye on these things.
posted by Kim on 9-9-2008 at 3:56 pm
You are correct in that an Ombuds, particularly an Organizational Ombuds in the corporate arena, can be viewed as a masochist. We like to think of ourselves as fire alarms for HR who man (person?) the fire hose. Ombuds are the finest trend spotters and big-time legal mess prevention specialists.
posted by Pamela V. Martin on 9-10-2008 at 11:15 am
Ombudsman comes from the Swedish word ‘Ombudsman’. Just like smorgasbord the word was a complete rip off. Swedes are considered by some as very law abiding with a sort of ‘fair for all’ mentality. That’s why we have ombudsmen. The word ombud more or less means representative and man means, drumroll, man. Hence, there are also ombudskvinna which means an ombudsman who’s a woman. Swedes also like gender fairness.
Ombudsmen in Sweden represent an individual or group thereof in resolving disputes before they go too far. Liked the description here on mental_floss but it did sound more bureaucratic than I have had experienced that it is.
posted by Sara on 9-12-2008 at 1:17 pm
Uhm…orderlies are now called CNAs, PCAs, and PCTs. And ALL of it is true. We do ALL the work except pass out the meds but the RNs get paid twice what we do lol.
posted by Tiffany on 12-5-2008 at 3:20 am