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Considering the current wave of early-80s nostalgia that’s sweeping the nation, especially teenagers who weren’t even embryonic in 1981 — witness the music of Chromeo, the renewed popularity of ironic feathered haircuts, the fevered demand for Marty McFly’s shoes and the market share of American Apparel — it was only a matter of time before the really embarrassing stuff was unearthed. I’m speaking, of course, of laser portraits — that most 80s of yearbook photos, the laser-beam backdrop which your parents had to pay a few dollars extra for. (That’s right; it was usually the kids themselves who wanted it. And now they’re paying the real price.)
Apparently the statute of limitations has passed, because people seem to be uploading their embarrassing 80s-era school portraits to the web at an unprecedented rate — are there are new blogs popping up every day to celebrate them. A personal favorite (thanks, Higgins) is We Have Lasers!!!!!!. Lasered above: Jeffrey.
But there are many more, a quick perusal of which will help us break down the various species of embarrassing portraits. Via Sexy People, there’s the always-strange big prop portrait:
Pictured above: Casey, with Cabbage Patch. (Update: probably NOT a Cabbage Patch.)
I’m not sure this is a style of portrait, but it’s definitely a style — via Rad Dudes:
Another 80s portrait trend was what I like to call “soft focus with strange gloves” –
Thanks to Jennifer and Gina, above.
Lest we forget, there’s the classic Sears portrait look, where they truck in the background of your choosing — and usually several, so you have options!
Above via Sexy People.
We’d love to see your embarrassing adolescent portraits — especially those with odd backgrounds, props, or other embarrassing anachronisms. Send ‘em to flossypics@gmail.com!
Comments (33)
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I remember having a laser pic when I was in, I think it was the fifth grade.
posted by Sara on 11-12-2008 at 11:38 am
That’s not a Cabbage Patch doll in the very unfortunate portrait featured above. I’m pretty sure that’s Molly from the American Girls collection (the glasses are a giveaway), but the clothes are odd.
posted by Lindsey on 11-12-2008 at 11:42 am
I can’t identify what that is, but it isn’t a Cabbage Patch!
posted by srah on 11-12-2008 at 11:44 am
That is definitely NOT a a Cabbage Patch doll.
And are you sure those last photos (from Sears) are 80s? They look more 70s to me!
posted by Beth on 11-12-2008 at 11:48 am
Man, I would always get so jealous on “prop photo day” at school. My mom and dad didn’t see the point of buying an extra portrait halfway through the school year.
However, one year after begging and pleading, they let me. I wore a floral jumpsuit (yes, 1 piece) and had a parasol.
posted by KerriH on 11-12-2008 at 11:55 am
my original response:
aww, hell no! you did NOT just label an american girl doll as a cabbage patch kid!
my revised response:
hello, fellow nerds :) I feel as though I’m in good company.
posted by shyestviolet on 11-12-2008 at 12:12 pm
Those last ones look eerily similar to List of the Day’s Olan Mills post from a year ago, which Allison linked to on Saturday.
You’re quite the recycler, Ransom.
posted by Eve on 11-12-2008 at 12:14 pm
Yup that’s definitely Molly in that unfortunate picture. The clothes for her were probably picked up at a craft fair, handmade by somebody’s grandma.
posted by Miss V on 11-12-2008 at 12:17 pm
The current nostalgia isn’t for early-80s, it’s for mid-to-late ’80s. I was born in 1985, and the way the hipsters dress now is nearly identical to what I wore in 1989-1992. I also had at least one laser portrait at school. Also, as the former owner of a Cabbage Patch kid, that is most definitely NOT a CP.
posted by LP on 11-12-2008 at 12:43 pm
Don’t forget the school pictures that had us looking forward then a side view of the same person superimposed in the corner. Very 1980
posted by Drew on 11-12-2008 at 12:50 pm
I have a laser pic from the late 80’s!! I was in 3rd or 4th grade and I had a perm my mom gave me. I’m pretty sure my stone-washed jeans were rolled at the bottom too! LOL What a dork :)
posted by Angela on 11-12-2008 at 12:59 pm
At my school you had to pay extra for your background lasers to have color. The plain old black and white lasers looked like you were standing in front of wonky prison bars. It was the height of cool to have blue, red, green, or even (my personal fave) purple.
posted by bas on 11-12-2008 at 1:19 pm
Ah yes. The wood fence to prop on and the pasture in the background. I think we have one of those from the 70’s. One of my first jobs in 83 was retail. We had grandmothers fighting to get their hands on cabbage patch dolls (Still made only a few miles from here). Thanks for the memories I was hoping to forget. LOL
posted by KevinGA on 11-12-2008 at 1:35 pm
Mine wasn’t just a laser pic… it was a laser pic with the lasers in a grid… complete with geometric shapes and stars!
posted by Kevin on 11-12-2008 at 2:11 pm
My wife and I have developed a theory as to the resurgence of the 80s. We who were kids then are parents now. We want our kids to like what we liked. Our kids have CB kids, Care Bears, Strawberry shortcake, etc. These are all being reproduced/re-introduced – not just hand-me-downs.
We have Transformers, now if only they would bring back He-Man….
posted by SDK on 11-12-2008 at 2:12 pm
I was always so resentful as a kid that my parents made me get the generic library background because they didn’t want to pay extra for the gels or (even better) the lasers.
posted by Bri on 11-12-2008 at 2:14 pm
My first-grade picture (c. 1991) is unremarkable except for one thing: There’s a fly sitting smack on top of my head. All the others throughout the years really can’t beat that one.
posted by Joanna on 11-12-2008 at 2:25 pm
SDK, all the He-Man figures were re-released about three years ago. I was sooo tempted to buy a Castle Greyskull just because I could now.
posted by jeff on 11-12-2008 at 2:34 pm
I worked in department store the summer before Cabbage Patch Kids were a big hit the following Christmas.
I had previously seen the hand-made verions with fabric heads (like the body) and couldn’t understand how anyone would buy one with a plastic head.
Was I ever wrong!! When Christmas rolled around- parents were litterally fighting over those things.
P.S. Yes, I know the doll in the picture is not a Cabbage Patch Kid.
posted by Morris on 11-12-2008 at 2:50 pm
I agree with LP, the trend is for mid to late 80’s fashion. It kida scares me that teenagers today would buy leggings, I wore those in 1st grade…
posted by Gina on 11-12-2008 at 3:28 pm
My mom never let me pick the lasers, until I was in 8th grade. I always thought it was cool to have the lasers. She always chose the lame flowery background.
posted by leigh on 11-12-2008 at 3:45 pm
those are some sweet glamour shots! my cousin got them when she was in high school and i was sooo jealous. she looked so cool!
posted by tiffany on 11-12-2008 at 3:58 pm
Whoa…so no one has yet commented on the ‘Rad Dude’s’ picture? Fade & the mullet? With the silk shirt, gold stud & 6th grade mustache?
Once again…Whoa.
posted by Bob Jones, Esq on 11-12-2008 at 4:14 pm
It’s not 80s, but I worked for Who’s Who Among High School Students in America in 1997 and had to go through stacks of these types of wallet-sized portraits every day. It was so awesome. Even though it was ‘97, there were a lot of students stuck in the 80s with the big bangs, mullets, rat tails, and whatnot. There were some great names, too. Crystal Boob, where are you now?
posted by Shasta on 11-12-2008 at 5:08 pm
I work at a professional photo studio, and some of the pictures that we have in storage are hilarious. We even have a wall of fame for some of the best/worse ones.
posted by Cassandra on 11-12-2008 at 5:27 pm
One of my senior pictures had lasers, and I was wearing my band uniform. Lord, I was a geek.
posted by Camille on 11-12-2008 at 6:19 pm
I’m with Lindsey, that is totally Molly from the American Girls series. I had the Samantha doll which they are retiring this year, which now makes me feel old.
posted by mle on 11-12-2008 at 6:36 pm
Lasers were a big thing where I grew up, but another big ticket picture background during this same time period was the black mini-blinds with a colored light shining through. I think I had one year with pink, one year with blue and one year with red. Yeah, I was really into the bright colored lights/blinds thing. Anyone else remember this?
posted by Earwig on 11-12-2008 at 7:20 pm
Leggings are back????? Oh no! I threw all mine out, and I had some good ones! LOL….what kill me is my 16 year old son is a “metalhead” and we love the same metal music!!!! We both like the eighties…..but only one of us was there…as I so love to remind him! I was in my 20’s in the early 80’s and so missed the laser photo’s…..but not the big hair, and the leggings!!!
posted by Sandie on 11-12-2008 at 10:43 pm
That “Molly” is might be a giveaway by Pleasant Co and in that case, sadly, that photos isn’t from the 80’s. “Beginning in 2002, Pleasant Company began producing promotional items to be given free to girl attendees of special Major League Baseball games played at Chicago’s Wrigley Field and New York’s Yankee Stadium.” Click my name for details.
posted by aileen on 11-13-2008 at 12:21 am
my mom actually just sent me a truly awful picture of my sister and I. We look even dorkier than we actually are! I believe there was an aforementioned fake background, though it may be lazers. I’ll be sending it on…
posted by sm on 11-13-2008 at 6:57 pm
Gina wrote:
“I agree with LP, the trend is for mid to late 80’s fashion. It kida scares me that teenagers today would buy leggings, I wore those in 1st grade…”
Omigod, I remember wearing leggings in 1st grade, too! I was a first grader in the early 90s (I think it must’ve been 92 or 93; too lazy to do the math now), but I imagine there was still a lot of bleed over. Are teens seriously wearing leggings? Those about the dorkiest pieces of clothing ever! God, I feel old.
posted by JNM on 11-18-2008 at 12:46 am
The first gal in the soft focus and gloves picture actually looks like a guy in drag!
posted by Mik on 12-14-2008 at 7:48 pm