Recently The Guardian published a series of transcripts of real 999 calls. (For those of us not in the UK or Ireland, 999 is like 911 — the number you dial in case of an emergency.) The transcripts are deeply fascinating, stirring up strange emotions in the reader. Should I be reading this? Is it going to turn out all right? If you can separate yourself from the urgency and fear of what’s going on (because you know that it’s going to end all right), the passages can actually be kind of funny. Here’s a sample from the birth, in which a woman gives birth alone. (Both mother and baby is fine — here’s their picture to prove it!)

The Birth

Op Right, OK. Where are you now at the moment and how long is the person who’s coming with you going to be?

SL [Voice strained] Um, I’m not sure.

Op You’re not sure. Is the door open for them to come in?

SL No. Oh God …

Op The door’s not open. How far are you away from the door? Can you get to the door and back to the phone? Or take the phone with you?

SL I ca … at the moment … there’s something coming out.

Op Right, OK, get on the floor, OK?

SL Yes [cries out]. It’s the head. It’s out.

Op It’s the head, is it? OK, the head’s out.

SL Oh. Oh, it’s head. Oh. Head’s out.

After the delivery, the operator and the new mother talk about possible baby names, then get downright chatty. It’s great.

When the transcripts aren’t amusing (and let’s face it, some of these calls are tragedies in progress), they’re deeply distressing.

Even in text, you can see the urgency of the situation. (Note: the articles include audio of the calls, which I couldn’t bring myself to listen to.) Here’s a snippet from the cardiac arrest (everything works out all right).

The Cardiac Arrest

Op And push down firmly, with only the heel of your lower hand touching the chest.

H Joel, only the heel of your lower hand, OK? And press down.

Op You need to pump the chest rapidly about twice per second.

H Pump it rapidly, Joel.

Op You need to do this 400 times. Now, for only three and a half minutes – it’s not as long as it sounds.

H OK, my brother’s doing it now.

…

H Keep doing it, Joel.

Op Just keep doing it.

H Keep doing it.

Op Keep doing it.

H Oh [expletive].

Op All right, help is on its way, OK?

H Do you know where, do you know how long it’s going to be? [Starts crying]

Op Just listen to me, sweetheart. It’s on its way. All right, get your mum outside to meet the ambulance.

H Oh, OK, but, but, I’m going to go and meet the ambulance. I’m going to go and pick you up in the other room, OK?

Op OK. [H in background, while running to other room. Just keep doing it! Keep doing it, don't stop]

H OK, they’re not here yet.

Op Right, just keep, all you need to keep doing is pumping the chest, all right?

H [Shouts out] Just keep pumping the chest! Don’t stop!

Op All right, it’s very tiring, so I suggest they stop talking and just concentrate.

H [Shouts] Don’t talk about it, just keep doing it. If you get tired, change over. [Under breath] Oh my God.

So I’ve saved the most dramatic for last. In the amputation, a man calls 999 because his neighbor has accidentally cut off his own arm with a chainsaw. (Surgeons later reattached the arm.) Here’s part of the transcript:

The Amputation

Steve Francis [Neighbour, voice shaking] A man’s cut his arm off.

Op OK, when you say he’s cut his arm off, has he cut if off completely?

SF Hold on … [To John] Is it, what’s happened?

John Stirling [In background] I’ve cut it right off.

SF He’s cut it completely off. Quick, quick.

Op OK, how’s he done it?

SF I don’t know, chainsaw or some-thing. Let me just tie him up, hold on.

…

SF They’re there. They’re here.

Op They’re there, are they? OK, I’ll leave you with them, OK?

SF [In the background] Help! Here!

Op You’ve done really well. Are they there with you?

SF Yes, yes, they’re here now. Quick.

Op OK, I’ll leave you with them, OK?

SF Yes, thanks, all right.

Op Thank you, bye.

* While the paramedics looked after John, Steve went down the road to fetch the missing arm. He packed it in a bag of frozen pastries from his freezer, and that night John underwent 14 hours of successful surgery to have his arm reattached. John says he is eternally grateful for everything Steve did for him.

Check out the article for more; the list of transcripts is at the bottom of the article, each with its own page. (And each has a photo of the people involved, looking happy and healthy!)