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I had planned to post the winner of our second book giveaway a few hours earlier (in the 5-7pm window), but that plan fell apart. I’d like to pretend I had pressing business to attend to, or there was some sort of emergency. The truth is, I’ve just got a nagging cold—the kind of cold that required me to put down my laptop and drink two cups of tea while watching college basketball.
I’m a pretty lousy patient, so when I’m sick people often suggest offbeat home remedies (”Did you try eating the Vicks Vapor Rub?”) Anything to make me less wheezy and whiny, I guess. Since I feel bad about my throat, Nora Ephron’s book of essays seemed like a good choice for our next prize. To win a copy of I Feel Bad About My Neck, here’s what you need to do: invent a (faux) home remedy for the common cold. It doesn’t have to be proven or effective—in fact, it should be neither. Just make your entries convincing and creative.
I’ll pick the winning faux remedy late tomorrow afternoon. And if I’m still feeling sick then, I might just try it.
Comments (127)
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A cup of hot green tea with a shot of bourbon with some sugar and a dab of honey. You will sweat like crazy during the night and feel much better in the morning!
posted by AJ on 1-7-2009 at 11:49 pm
Okay, first you need to shower and lather yourself in vapor rub (I’ve read that putting it on the feet helps the absorbtion, so if you rub it all over your body, it’s is bound to absorb, right?)
After the shower, make yourself a Hot Toddy. Or two, or three…
Next (and this is the most important) UNPLUG. I mean from the world of technology. Turn off computer, laptop, cell phone, home phone, pager, etc.
And last, but not least – curl up in bed with the lastest issue of mental_floss. If you have already finished it, read back issues and enjoy!
posted by Aimee on 1-7-2009 at 11:53 pm
Warm an orange slightly in the microwave. Vigorously rub the orange on your chest and back, letting your skin absorb the essential oils and vitamin c.
Bury the orange under a crossroads at midnight. Your cold will vanish.
Works every time.
posted by Jason on 1-8-2009 at 12:03 am
First step: Caffeine, because seriously, doesn’t that cure everything? That or chocolate. Or both.
Step two: Employee lemon juice and apple vinegar. Also supposedly cure everything, but less fun. Rubbing around the sinus area sounds good.
Finally, put some 90s pop on. Eventually, you will get to a song that either makes your ears bleed or fills your head with utter emptiness…either way it will clear the sinuses, and *bingo* the cold’s gone.
posted by Madi on 1-8-2009 at 12:04 am
In order to beat the common cold you have to have a undeserved self of accomplishment like being more “Indie” than everyone around you. First, you need to read as many H.P. Lovecraft stories as possible. Dos, go on pitchfork.com and randomly pick the most flamboyant album cover, this is your new favorite band so make sure you pigeon hole your friends into listening to it. Thirdliest, look in the mirror. Okay, see your clothes? Shrink them by at least three sizes, remember it’s the most colorful peacock that gets the ladies. Lastly, tilt your head to the left or right and soak your hair in moose or hair spray. Keep it tilted for a couple seconds to let it settle.
Now, step outside and take a look at your neighbor. do you look different? Good, that means your Indie. Almost immediately you’ll feel a tingle in your frontal lobe when you realize your individuality amongst the norms. The tingle means it’s working.
Like Head & Shoulders.
posted by chuck on 1-8-2009 at 12:05 am
Ok:
1) No drugs
2) No clothes
3) No food
4) No sleep
It’s a virus, and you want to kill this thing! If the starving it doesn’t work, surely the freezing it out will.
Everyone knows a virus can’t live in freezing temperatures, so you’ll need to get your body temp as low as possible. Be naked. Fill a bathtub with with ice – or better yet, liquid nitrogen, and shock that virus out of your system.
Certainly do NOT go to sleep. If you rest, you clearly aren’t fighting, and the virus will take over!
posted by Dawn on 1-8-2009 at 12:07 am
Find an old shoe of someone you don’t know, then put it in an easy bake oven, preferably circa 1997, for 8 minutes. Then cut the shoe into tiny tiny pieces with a katana. If you don’t have a katana a cheese grater works. Take the piece that looks most similar to New Jersey and glue to your DVD player with a Gluestick. (Note: It is important that you’re not “trying” to make it look like New Jersey). Use said DVD player to watch every Rick Moranis movie ever made. By the time you’re finished, your cold will be no more.
posted by Zach on 1-8-2009 at 12:13 am
I make a mixture of honey, mint leaves and cayenne pepper. You can eat it, spread it on your top lip under your nose or apply it to your underarms. But, don’t do all three! I learned that the hard way.
posted by Steve on 1-8-2009 at 12:13 am
I, who have the same type of cold, have been wondering all day if this might work:
Firstly, in order to distract the virus from it’s terrorizing, sing Leann Rimes’ “Blue” causing the germs to flee and cower inside your nasal passages (where the bones effectively dampens the yodeling). Then, apply honey to every inch of your head, creating a sweetly scented sweat-it-out seal that will make living conditions unbearably hot for the pests (and will take away those awful body chills). After an appropriate amount of time to let the vermin die off, hibernate as your body rids itself of their corpses by brewing a cuppa and curling up in the open body of a dead Tauntaun. (Also guaranteed to get rid of body chills)
Have I mentioned I’m on cold meds that *might* cause hallucinations?
posted by Caitorade on 1-8-2009 at 12:27 am
Step one: Mix one (1) part eucalyptus oil, one (1) part pomegranate juice, and six (6) parts Vaseline and apply liberally to the inside of the elbows and the backs of the knees, as the skin is thinnest in these areas and absorption is increased.
Step two: Add one (1) tablespoon of salt, one (1) teaspoon of vinegar, one (1) teaspoon of baking soda, and three (3) drops of red food coloring to a pint of warm water and use in a Neti pot to clear the sinuses. Pour twice through one nostril and then twice through the other, pausing to curse violently between each application of the solution.
Step three: In an area free of obstructions, lift one knee and the opposite elbow to the nose, holding the position for five (5) seconds while breathing deeply of the eucalyptus/pomegranate ointment through the now-cleared sinus passages. Repeat with the other knee and elbow. Repeat this cycle twenty (20) times or until a pleasant tingling is felt in the abdominal muscles. This sensation signals the effectiveness of the treatment.
Step four: Boil six (6) ounces of water and add one (1) non-caffeinated mint tea bag and two (2) tablespoons of local honey. Drink this mixture while lying in bed in comfortable pajamas and reading a good book, and wait for the above treatments to take effect. Results guaranteed within three (3) to fourteen (14) days.
posted by Kelsey on 1-8-2009 at 12:29 am
It’s a well-known fact that alcohol kills everything. Booze all night, preferably somewhere where you can dance because you’ll be too worried about feeling ridiculous to notice your cold, then let the alcohol do its thing while you sleep soundly.
posted by Dan on 1-8-2009 at 12:34 am
Eat one suggested serving size of pop rocks with one glass of water every four hours. This will help alleviate the symptoms associated with the common cold. It starts by dissolving in your stomach or the next part of the digestive tract, the small intestine, and your body absorbs it there. Then it goes into the bloodstream and it circulates through your entire body. Once in the bloodstream, it identifies the portions of your body that are affected by the cold symptoms.
So, how does this make me feel better? In two ways: First, it acts as an anti-inflammatory by inhibiting the movement of neutrophils — immune system cells that participate in the body’s inflammatory response. Second, it temporarily speeds up the movement of mucus through the nose, helping relieve congestion and limiting the amount of time viruses are in contact with the nose lining.
I bet you’re thinking, “if this works so well, why do I have to take them every 4 hours?” As with almost all chemicals, your body has ways of getting rid of pop rocks. In this case, your liver, stomach, and other organs change pop rocks to… surprise! Salicylic acid! This chemical then slowly gets changed a bit more by the liver, which sticks other chemicals onto the salicylic acid so that your kidneys can filter it out of your blood and send it out in your urine. This whole process takes about four to six hours, so you need to take another serving of pop rocks at that time to keep the effect going.
A lot of research is being done now to find out if pop rocks can be used for other problems; it has already shown some promise in helping with problems as diverse as cataracts in the eyes, some cancers, gum disease, and high blood pressure during pregnancy! So will it cure anything? Of course not; just like all medicines, pop rocks isn’t a panacea. For example, if you hit your finger with a hammer and it’s bleeding, pop rocks may help the pain and swelling, but your finger will still be a bloody mess.
Are there any side effects? Yes; it can be very upsetting to the stomach, especially at the high doses often used in arthritis. Pop rocks also isn’t used as much for fevers in children since research has suggested that pop rocks given to kids with flu, chicken pox, or just in general may cause hyperactivity and vomiting.
Keep in mind, high doses of pop rocks in adults can cause adult onset diabetes, so use sparingly.
posted by Dan on 1-8-2009 at 12:40 am
step 1. obtain Dijon mustard.
step 2. open jar of said mustard.
step 3. inhale deeply.
posted by emily on 1-8-2009 at 12:42 am
Obviously, you haven’t yet tried the definitive cure, or you would by now be symptom free. Attend…
First, you will need a pair of inversion boots. They don’t have to be attached to any kind of fancy “anti-gravity”, Herman Miller-y, swing chair or anything. You just have to be able to hang upside down. Then you need a standard vaporizer and some oil of eucalyptus. An old vaporizer that produces really dangerous amounts of steam (for an electrical appliance that is) is preferred, but if you have to settle for one of the new ones with safety interlocks and such, so be it. Lastly, you’ll need a good heavy gear oil (90 weight has always proven to be a good choice), some Coleman’s® Dry Mustard, and a small cat on a short leash. Oh yeah, you will also need a broom.
It is a good idea to perform this particular procedure in a place that is easy to clean up, so I recommend the kitchen. It’s a bonus if you have one of those fancy pot racks that hang from the ceiling. That way, you don’t have to poke a bunch of holes in the ceiling to find a ceiling joist to hang your inversion boots from.
Okay, here we go.
First, in order not to ruin your clothes and to facilitate the equal distribution of body heat, you will want to be naked. In order not to get a chill, it is a good idea to turn the heat in your home up VERY HIGH. This will also promote sweating, which anyone will tell you is great for a sick person. Fill the vaporizer with water as per the manufacturer’s instructions, and then pour in a few drops of the eucalyptus oil and then tie the end of the leash not attached to the cat to the vaporizer somewhere. I suggest that you do this before the thing starts making steam. Then, using liberal amounts of the 90 weight gear oil, cover yourself from the tips of your hair to the ends of your toenails in oil until you smell of newly manufactured robots. Now here comes the important part. Using a helper or a mirror, cover yourself in an even crust of the Coleman’s® Dry Mustard, put on the inversion boots, grab the broom in one hand, turn on the vaporizer with the other, hang yourself up, and wait for the steam to begin to be expressed by the little machine below. This shouldn’t take more than a few minutes. Did I mention that small cats are notoriously frightened by machines that emit steam, particularly when they can’t get away from them? Well, they are. This is where the broom comes in. In order to reach your target heart rate, which is always important when this cure is being affected, there is no better method than using the broom to carefully, yet forcefully push the steaming vaporizer in the opposite direction than the cat is trying to escape to. You see, the small yet terrified cat will be pulling the vaporizer in one direction, and you will be pushing it in the other, so your exertions can continue almost indefinitely. Great no?
For this cure to be most effective, you must do this until the vaporizer is empty and growing dangerously hot, or until the cat gives up.
You should begin to feel relief from your cold symptoms almost immediately.
This is a time honored cure, and has no equal. Once you have tried this, no other remedy will be necessary, ever.
One more thing. Before beginning this course of treatment, it might be a good idea to either have a friend or loved one nearby, or to have someone check on you after a number of hours, as it is sometimes difficult to get down. Of course, since there are some risks associated with this cure, getting down may not be a concern.
As with all medical treatments, please seek the advice of a trained medical professional before undertaking any course of medical treatment.
KC
posted by Carbonfish on 1-8-2009 at 12:45 am
Take a hot shower– upside down. First off, this gets blood flowing to your head, making it easier to cut through the sinus fog. The heat of the shower also helps with congestion. Now, this next step is the important part. Just before you shut the water off, flip it over to near-freezing and quickly stand up. The gravitational draining of fluids combined with the shock of the cold water will induce a bout of clear-headedness. Take advantage of this and start jumping to loosen more mucus (carefully! we’d hate to have to tell your our home remedy for a concussion). After a minute or so of this, you can shut off that cold water and dry off. Remain vertical for at least a half hour to allow for proper drainage. Sleep standing up, if you can. You can incorporate other systemic shocks, if you like, such as licking a nine volt battery while drinking hot vinegar tea, but these are generally thought of as tired old wives tales.
posted by Margo on 1-8-2009 at 12:45 am
Get a banana, unpeel it, throw it into a blender with some oj and ice. The vitamin c will help because that’s what my vitamin c bottle says. Then, while you drink the smoothie, put the banana peel on your forehead so that the potassium will seep into your brains directly and help your clogged sinuses.
posted by Nikki on 1-8-2009 at 12:54 am
1. Drink massive amounts of booze
2. Go to a sketchy strip/dance club
3. Use the restroom at said club, touching the door handle directly
4. Hope that a cold is all that you have in the morning :)
posted by emelie on 1-8-2009 at 12:59 am
Hubby is sick right now, too. Here’s my advice: Partake in a polar plunge and then visit the zoo and sniff elephant droppings. Should clear the head real good.
posted by Janelle on 1-8-2009 at 1:20 am
As the makers of Head-On (and subsequent other products the consumer is asked to smear *directly* on affected areas) clearly demonstrated, remedies work best when applied *directly* to the problem area, not the source of the problem. Got a cold? Forget fighting the virus… go right for the runny nose. And what to fight it with? Vitamin C, of course.
So…
1. Squeeze a fresh orange.
2. Pour a small amount of orange juice onto the counter.
3. Use a straw to directly inhale juice into nasal passages. In no time, you’ll foget you even had a cold :)
Hey, people inhale more dangerous stuff than orange juice all the time, right? Feel better soon! :)
posted by Aarika on 1-8-2009 at 1:25 am
Well this is a COLD, so we are going to have to burn that sucker right out…
My first reccommendation would be to eat a few Habeñeros, straight up (Jalepeños can be used in a pinch)
Then a trip to the sauna or steam room is in order. Be sure to wear garbage bags to achieve maximum effect.
After this, do what bears do and eat as much as possible…. then go to sleep. One to two months is preferable.
Now, here is the kicker. Find a dragon. Let it breathe on you.
Cold should be destroyed.
posted by Liz N. on 1-8-2009 at 1:33 am
Liz N. should win simply because this is the funniest thing I have read all night: “Find a dragon. Let it breathe on you.”
posted by Missy on 1-8-2009 at 1:42 am
First, stick wet/damp hand towel in the microwave for a couple minutes. Once it’s nice and warm, repeat process with a larger towel.
Next, spread a layer of honey on your bathtub, followed by several bags of Jet Puffed marshmallows (they must be JET PUFFED). Lay on the tub. Put warm hand towel over your face and the other one on your neck.
Third step, get out of tub.
Fourth, get a dog/cat (if you already have one you’re in luck!). Lay in your bed in the nude, face down and let your pet lick the honey/marshmallows off of ya. A pet’s saliva is the best cure for ANYTHING.
posted by Mayra on 1-8-2009 at 1:42 am
Get in an argument with your wife; you’ll forget you even have a cold.
posted by Andrew Harding on 1-8-2009 at 2:33 am
Nacho cheese doritos and coca cola while watching daytime television.
I haven’t had a cold for more than a day in years, and have NEVER gotten the flu despite also never having recieved a flu shot.
posted by Charles on 1-8-2009 at 2:47 am
This probably won’t top some of the comments already left for creativity, but I’m willing to offer up my home remedy (which I’m using right now, since I too am suffering from an icky old cold)…
I find that mixing lemon juice (about a half inch in the bottom of the glass), hot water to the top of the glass, and thyme leaves (drink this as a tea) works for killing the sore throat.
For the sore nose, beyond your Puffs Plus tissues, Clinique makes this yellow face lotion stuff that I’ve been using for years ONLY when I have a cold — it’s the only moisturizer that kicks the soreness right out.
Take some hot salt water (not too hot) and do the old hold the end of the straw to create a vacuum trick and then place the salt water end of the straw in your nostril (don’t remove your finger or it’ll make a mess). Tilt your head back (way back) and move your finger. Let the salt water drain back to your ear. Repeat in other nostril. Clears the goo great.
For the cough, I have this friend that studied herbalism in the Apalachians, and she made me this home made mixture of Sundew with Ethanol. A shot of that will kill any cough. Guaranteed. I can give you her email if needed :)
Lastly, if all else fails, stay up late watching Renee Zellwegger (I know I’m spelling her name wrong, but it’s late) be dramatic and romantic. My suggestion for this evening? Miss Potter. Great flick. Lots of tears. Guaranteed to clear the sinuses through copious amounts of emotional crying.
Hope this helps!
posted by Stacy on 1-8-2009 at 3:04 am
p.s. Ingesting insane amounts of coffee never hurts. Well, it never hurts me anyway :)
posted by Stacy on 1-8-2009 at 3:05 am
Everyone knows you feed a cold. What not everyone realizes is that colds really like to eat Big Macs. The Bg Mac has a perfect ratio of fat, carbs, and protein for performance and recovery; the sodium is important to aid in the absorption of water to keep you hydrated; one Big Mac has enough calories to keep you from getting hungry while watching the Jon Claude Van Dam marathon on Spike while you rest up on the sofa; and the fresh air you breathe on the way to McDonalds is good for your phlegm-filled lungs.
Supersize for best results.
posted by Nicole on 1-8-2009 at 3:14 am
I am going to borrow this from an old bloke I used to know.
Step 1. – Buy large bottle of your favorite spirit (I like Whiskey)
Step 2. – Have bath
Step3. – Take your cap and place it at the foot of your bed, or hang on the end of your bed so you can easily see it.
Step 4. – Put on pyjamas and get into bed with bottle of spirit.
Step 5. – Drink your spirit slowly and steadily until you cannot see the cap and the end of your bed anymore.
Step 6. – Sleep. You should feel loads better when you eventually wake up.
posted by Chris on 1-8-2009 at 3:17 am
In similar fashion to a Tequila Stuntman shot, I would suggest a VapoRub Stuntman: snort some Robitussin, lather your neck/chest in VapoRub, and spray some Chloraseptic in your eye.
It might not work, but I bet the same people who have tried a Tequila Stuntman will try the VapoRub Stuntman.
posted by Scott on 1-8-2009 at 3:29 am
Eat super spicy food, like one of your extra hot chillies or your friendly neighborhood Indian curry to get the mucus flowing. Afterwards, go to a sauna. If you don’t feel comfortable being semi-naked with other people, then try this: get a blanket, a small basin filled with hot water (just off the boil) and some Vicks vaporub. Dab some Vicks on the side of the basin just above water level and sit comfortably on the floor (to avoid accidents with the hot water) with the basin just underneath your head. Pull the blanket over you so the steam won’t escape. This will create a sauna effect. You may have an extra kettle of hot water ready nearby just in case the water won’t let off steam anymore. Your cold will be gone the next morning. :)
posted by Leizl on 1-8-2009 at 3:36 am
1) One animal companion of your choice (I prefer a cat, but in a pinch a human works too)
2) One Blanket
3) One place of repose
4) Hot drink of your choice (take as desired)
5) Entertainment of choice. I have several around me and start with the one that takes the shortest amount of time working to the longest.
Make yourself comfortable! I’m pretty sure it’s the animal that does the trick.
I woke up with a cold this morning and have followed this prescription to the letter. I am feeling mostly better now.
posted by Joanna on 1-8-2009 at 5:48 am
It’s really quite simple, actually.
Peel an orange. Grind up the peel, then snort it.
Hire one of your friend to buy you some yellow face paint. Don’t actually pay them the money.
Smear the face paint into two large yellow dots on both of your cheeks. If you draw some squiggles on your legs that helps too.
Then, log onto Mental_floss. Read pointless comments about how to cure the common cold, when you really know that yours is the best one.
Finally, put on a robe (the shorter the better!) and slippers and invite your most gossipy friends to a huge party. Invite them to see your facepaint and orange-dust covered nostrils.
Works every time.
posted by Linda on 1-8-2009 at 7:29 am
For this to really work, you will eventually need to name your cold. If the affliction has sapped you of imagination, you can go with a basic name Coldy or Ricky the Rinovirus but I recommend going with some truly contemptible name that will angry up your blood. Something like Nedrick Q. Slaggington or some such. Or name it for a hated rival of some kind.
While you’re thinking of a name for the vile thing, boil some whole peeled onions in a combination chicken broth, hot sauce, garlic and lime juice.
Once the onions are starting to get soft, remove from the cooking liquid, reserving said liquid on low heat.
Take the onions and a stack of toothpicks and “sculpt” your cold. This can be as simple as a classic snowman shape or as elaborate as your muse and knife skills will allow. In 19th century Mexico a renowned sculptor created a detailed recreation of a childhood bully in such exquisite detail that it could recognized from a distance of 30 paces, a feat that required the use of a several bushels of onions. You need not be so elaborate.
Once the sculpture is complete, wrap yourself up in the warmest clothes you can find. Aboriginal tribes indigenous to the greater Philadelphia area have ceremonial layers of clothing starting with a classic red “union suit” with one button of the buttflap lost and replaced with a safety pin, over which is worn a a wool three piece suit, preferably from Brooks Brothers. Over that is worn a vest of hot water bottles, a wool Armani overcoat and a yak wool parka imported from the Himalayas. Again, you need not be so elaborate.
Now, dressed as such with an onion sculpture of your cold and a simmering cauldron spicy hellbroth, you are ready for the mescal. You can use tequila if need be, but the worm comes in handy.
Fill a coffee mug with the cooking broth and line up several shot glasses of mescal. Alternate sips of the broth with shots of the booze while you berate your cold (being sure to call it by name and derogatory variations on its name if at all possible). Let the rage at your cold build along with your blood alcohol level. Eventually, the Rage will kick and you will attack the cold. Be sure to devour it.
Eat with gusto, let the spicy fragrant juices from the onion run down the front of your parka (this will serve as a vapor rub through the night). Once you have devoured the cold, let out a mighty cry of victory.
Finally, you may curl up in a little ball a cry yourself to sleep. Upon waking you will be perfectly healthy. I promise.
posted by EMStoveken on 1-8-2009 at 8:03 am
This is a simple trick guaranteed to make anyone, ailing from anything, feel better. Works especially well for colds and stomach viruses.
1. Make some fudgy-brownies. Using the special edge pans that make extra edges is recommended.
2. Procure some Pepsi, grenadine, straws, and ice.
3. Fill a tall glass half way with ice. Add 1 1/2 inches of grenadine. Pour in the Pepsi (or diet Pepsi, or Coke, or diet Coke – but Pepsi works the best). Insert straw.
4. Once the brownies are done, cut them into large pieces, and stack them up (layered between paper towels).
5. Carry the brownie tower and cola-cherry concoction to a side table near the most comfortable part of your couch. Curl up in the corner with a warm, fluffy blanket.
6. Put on The Office or your show of choice, enjoy the brownies and drink.
7. Fall asleep due to food-coma, wake up feeling totally rejuvenated!
posted by Katherine on 1-8-2009 at 8:18 am
I asked my kiddo and he assured me that being stung on the nose by a bee would cure a cold for sure. I asked how he knew this and he said the chinese do it and it must work since they’ve been around a long time. Hmmm… he couldn’t reveal his source of knowledge however.
posted by Janine on 1-8-2009 at 8:19 am
Find an uncommon cold.
posted by Kevin on 1-8-2009 at 8:20 am
The materials:
1 deck of playing cards
1 oven mitt
1 bottle of Whiskey
Here’s how we get better:
Place the oven mitt on your head. You need to stay warm, you know. While enjoying the whiskey, attempt to construct a house of cards using all 52 cards. No doubt that your whiskey-fueled frustration will frighten your illness right off.
posted by Michael on 1-8-2009 at 8:36 am
I received “Brain Age 2″ Ninento DS game for Christmas. One of the training exercises is “Virus Busters”. I suggest a remedy of 10 hours of playing this game!
posted by KJ on 1-8-2009 at 8:40 am
Put on an episode or better yet, full season of Golden Girls on your TV. Turn up the volume so that it is just shy of disturbing the neighbors. Place a sleeping mask or blindfold over your eyes and lay on the couch with your feet elevated. Between each episode drink one ounce of melted frozen yogurt with a dash of tobasco. After about 10 episodes you will be feeling good as new!
posted by marc on 1-8-2009 at 8:44 am
Actually what we do in my house is a bowl of egg drop soup with plenty of white pepper added and crab ragoons and f course plenty of daytime tv, especially golden girls and the price is right.
posted by Sarah on 1-8-2009 at 8:57 am
First hang upside down for approx. 30 minutes of the edge of the bed or couch whatever is most comfortable. While upside down drink the following list of drinks in the exact order, large glass of lukewarm water with Airborne tablet, four shots of wheat grass, and finish up with a large glass of equal parts pineapple, orange and cranberry juice.
Second head to the bathroom close the door and turn on the shower as hot as it can go to create your own personal sauna. Do a crossword puzzle and stay in the bathroom until you complete or give up on the puzzle.
Finally bundle up in some warm clothes head to the couch, wrap yourself up in a blanket and watch the movie Home Alone over and over. Don’t forget to keep drinking water.
posted by Jake on 1-8-2009 at 8:59 am
My recommendation is to drink heavily. Everyone know alcohol kills germs an the next day you won’t know if you have a cold or a hangover!
posted by Ruby on 1-8-2009 at 9:02 am
About 15 minutes in to the cold, I tell it what a good time I’m having with it and that it should come back again tomorrow . . . before I’ve even begun to feed it. Only an hour in to the cold, I tell the cold that I know it sounds crazy, but I think I’m falling in love with it. “I wish you could stay inside of me forever,” I say. Then I insist it meets my parents and I talk about the possibility of having little viruses of our own one day, pondering the kind of diseases they’ll grow up to be.
The cold will run away and never come back.
posted by Brian on 1-8-2009 at 9:06 am
Ok, simple yet effective cold remedy…
First, cut an orange, or grapefruit, or really any citrus fruit you may have laying around, in half. The older, the better, especially when the skin starts to wilt, that’s the best time to use it. Using one half, insert a straw into the fruit and inhale through your nostrils.
After you’ve finished, place the other half of the fruit under your pillow and cut side up. You want to make sure your pillow absorbs as much of the juice as possible so you can breathe in the vapor as you sleep.
Last, but certainly not least, you must watch A Clockwork Orange at least 4 times before going to sleep to increase your Vitamin C.
posted by Elizabeth on 1-8-2009 at 9:13 am
First get a facial steamer. It is an inexpensive gadget that can be purchased at Wallyworld. Fill the resevoir with orange juice and turn the machine on. The orange juice steam will help steam open your nasal passages while allowing your body to absorb the Vitamin C from the steam thus curing your cold.
Hey Jason, feel better!
posted by JaneM on 1-8-2009 at 9:15 am
1.Fill a mason jar with peppermint candy
2. Cover the candy in gin
3. Close jar and place in refridgerator over night
4. voila! The best cough syrup ever
posted by Lauren on 1-8-2009 at 9:17 am
Call your mother (or grandmother). Tell her you are sick. That should do it.
posted by Daryl Campbell on 1-8-2009 at 9:25 am
The only true cure is a visit to the doctor… Dr. Mario!
Download WiiWare Dr. Mario Online RX and feel your health improve as the good Dr. seeks and destroys each and every bug in your system.
posted by Corrine on 1-8-2009 at 9:25 am
Mix 1 Tablespoon of honey with 1 tablespoon of peanut butter. Microwave for 10 seconds. Stick concoction in both nostrils. You will no longer say Mucus is your problem.
Add three shots Tequila to REALLY make you feel better.
posted by Witty Nickname on 1-8-2009 at 9:26 am
Eat a heapin’ pile of wasabi.
posted by karissa on 1-8-2009 at 9:41 am
Just blast any song by Barry Manilow over and over and over again…that’ll make anything die.
posted by Shelly on 1-8-2009 at 9:45 am
You will need
1/4 cup freshly snipped porcupine quills
2 cups blackberry brandy
1 Nettie pot
1 bottle of Jack Daniels
First warm up the JD in the Nettie pot. Next coat the quills in blackberry brandy for 5 minutes. Making sure the hollow insides are very well saturated.
With a pare of forceps insert quills, barbs out on the inside of your nostrils. Please take note you do not want to put to much pressure on the quills so they do not puncture the exterior part of the skin.
Once your nostrils are have adequate opening with the quills take the Nettie pot with the warm to warm/hot JD and start using as you would normally. Don’t worry the burning sensation you feel is perfectly normal. You may do this a second time if you need to.
Once finished cleansing the sinuses its time to enjoy some of the JD you bought and sit in a hot tub for about an hour. The steam will help keep your sinuses open and will clear out your lungs as well.
posted by Frankie on 1-8-2009 at 9:49 am
The opposite of cold is hot.
Get one of those odd blankets with arms, crank up the heat, and pretend you’re on the beach in Hawaii. Putting put an umbrella in your hot tea is optional, but highly recommended.
If that fails, invite Paris Hilton over, cause she apparently knows what’s hot.
posted by Caitlin on 1-8-2009 at 9:54 am
In college, I used to force down a lot of liquor and sleep in.
Oh…we’re talking about cold remedies?
posted by Andrew on 1-8-2009 at 9:54 am
Run a marathon. That’ll sweat it out.
posted by Paul on 1-8-2009 at 10:02 am
Step 1: Using a nasal aspirator, flush your nasal cavity with a mixture of 6 oz of Perrier bottled water, 1 tsp Arm & Hammer baking soda, and 1 tsp generic hydrogen peroxide. Important to use Perrier because of the special carbonation process they use in bottling their water.
Step 2: Immediately following the nasal flushing, put one cottonball in each ear. Each cottonball will have been soaking in a 1 part honey, 1 part canola oil mixture. The cottonball should only be placed in the outer ear and not inserted in the ear canal. The honey/canola will draw out any germs from your ears and Eustachian tubes.
Step 3: The final step, which is a variation on one that many people already are aware of, is to combine 10 dashes of tabasco sauce with a 3 oz dallop of Flexall 454. After blending well, apply liberally to the bottom of your feet. Any remaining rub can be dabbed behind each ear.
This process attacks the cold germs where they live–flushing and pulling and burning them out of your body.
posted by Jimmy B on 1-8-2009 at 10:07 am
7up and a marathon of The Shield.
If Vic Mackey can’t get the cold out of you, i dont know what will!! (and the 7up is there because it is delicious and easy on the stomach)
posted by Andy on 1-8-2009 at 10:09 am
Placentas. It was all you needed as a fetus, it’s all you need now. If your mother didn’t thoughtfully or properly store yours to last throughout your lifetime, I would suggest contacting your local hospital to see if they have any extra afterbirths. Or really, any laboring women.
posted by Kathryn on 1-8-2009 at 10:14 am
Jagermeister is a cure all. Little known fact.
If you drink enough of that you’ll kill whatever nagging virus is hanging around. Probably lose some brain cells and liver function in the process, but it’s all a give and take.
posted by Ana on 1-8-2009 at 10:16 am
Little known fact: Jagermeister is a cure all.
If you drink enough of that stuff, it will kill whatever nagging virus is hanging around. You might also kill some brain cells and lose some liver function, but it’s all a give and take.
posted by Ana on 1-8-2009 at 10:19 am
Why do you have a cold? Because you’re weak. Only weak people get sick. Become a scientologist. Your mind will grow strong and your body will follow. You won’t need these silly home remedies because your thetans will be so strong that they’ll break your E-meters. Then you can live a happy life and be reincarnated as me, L. Ron Hubbard.
posted by Jenn on 1-8-2009 at 10:20 am
Simple and effective cure for the common cold!
1. Take the flesh of one whole durian.
2. Blend with one cup of clotted cream, equal parts bourbon and lime juice, and one large egg yolk.
3. Slather half of the mixture over both of your feet.
4. Put on a pair of old tube socks.
5. Slather the other half evenly over your chest and stomach.
6. Put on an old t-shirt.
7. Take two aspirin and call me in the morning!
posted by Anna on 1-8-2009 at 10:35 am
materials:
– 2 each Vin Diesel movies and Keanu Reeves movies
– a handgun
Sit in a dark room and watch the movies. Have the surround sound on so you can really capture the horrendous acting. The cold will be curious why you’re crying so hysterically and come out to check. One line by Vin or Keanu will freeze it in terror and then you shoot it in the FACE!!
(Works on intruders as well)
posted by JHendo on 1-8-2009 at 10:38 am
Here is the ULTIMATE cold remedy:
Ingredients:
1 ounces Whiskey
1 ounce Honey
ounce Lemon Juice
3 ounces Water (Hot)
1 small jar vics vapor rub
1 750 ml bottle of your favorite booze
Whip up a batch of Hot toddys:
If you have a microwave, the easiest way to make this drink is to warm the honey and lemon juice for about half a minute and then to add hot water and the whiskey. Otherwise, we recommend that you stir the honey and lemon juice into extremely warm water, allow it to cool slightly, and add the whiskey.
Stir in one whole jar of vics vapor rub. You may need to use a wire whisk to get the clumps out.
Strain all this into a large rubber rose enema bag. Next take the 750 ml bottle of the booze and chug it fast. Once a NICE buzz sets in, take the Hot Toddy/Vics mixture as an enema, and hold it in as long as possible.
I PROMISE you that the after effects of the chugging of the 750 ml bottle of booze, and the Vics/Hot Toddy enema will make you forget there was ever a cold.
posted by qt314159265 on 1-8-2009 at 10:40 am
1. Inflate a stability ball by using your own breath. Expelling air will reduce the germs in your body and capture them in the ball.
2. Lie on the ball face up, and lean back so your head is almost touching the ground. Gently bounce a bit to move all of the mucus to the top of your head.
3. Quickly, in one smooth but abrupt motion, bounce off the ball and come to a standing position while simultaneously blowing out of your nose. (Use a tissue if you must.)
4. Repeat as necessary until head is clear. Dispose of germ-filled ball when finished.
5. For a stomach virus, complete this process except start lying on your stomach. Repeat until you are clear from either end.
posted by Gretchen on 1-8-2009 at 10:43 am
A full scale, all out blitzkrieg on the common cold is the only way to knock it out. Being raised in a mixed household (half hillbilly, half redneck,) I’ve decided that a combination of treatments is the only way to go. Please Note: If you read the following to yourself in a voice kind of like Joy from “My Name is Earl”, it sounds far more credible.
To begin with, you need to drink beer: cheap American beer, preferably something with the word “lite” in the name. But, go easy, this ain’t a frat party; remember you’re sick so no more than six or eight cans. This will keep you hydrated and dull your senses enough to move on to the more important hillbilly assault. Bring in the dogs. If you’re anything like most of my family, you have several large, foul smelling canines living under your back porch. Bring them into the bed with you. This will keep you warm through the chills, the smell will clear your sinuses, and they don’t care if you sneeze or cough on them. I’ve been told that stinky dog smell has a special cold virus killing property that will obliterate any of those pesky virus bugs that haven’t been killed by the sterilizing properties of the alcohol.
Do this for three or four days, you’ll be fine.
posted by KG on 1-8-2009 at 10:43 am
This is a remedy for a stuffy nose that is so perfectly simple, I can’t believe it’s not more well-known.
First, find a regular house-hold drill. I prefer cordless so that you don’t need to be tethered to a power outlet but that’s just personal preference. Second, fit the drill with a 4-5 inch long bit. Make sure it’s no more than 1/2 inch wide. Third, line the drill at a forty-five degree angle at the entrance of your left nostril. Engage the drill, and begin pushing into the nostril. **NOTE: It’s very important to have the drill running before insertion so as to get through that initial wall of mucus/cartilage.** Push drill back until passage is clear or until you’ve reached the skull, which would be indicated by an unpleasant grinding noise. If you’re still congested/alive, repeat with right nostril. Anyway you look at it you’re not suffering from a cold anymore.
posted by Bryan on 1-8-2009 at 10:43 am
Duct Tape Occlusion Therapy!
Duct tape irritates the skin and stimulates the immune system, in theory. It has been claimed that DTOT is effective against warts (caused by a virus). The common cold, another virus, can be effectively treated by wrapping yourself up head to toe in duct tape. For extra effectiveness (and less painful removal), shave all of the hair on your head and body. ***optional – once duct taped, sing Mr. Roboto in front of all your family, friends and/or coworkers*** The cold will be resolved in approximately 7 days on average.
posted by Lisa on 1-8-2009 at 10:45 am
1. Go down to the Local Emergency room.
2. Sit around for an hour.
3. Discover that you aren’t half as sick as some of these people, both physically and mentally.
4. Leave feeling better.
posted by Don on 1-8-2009 at 10:46 am
Okay. To get the cold out is simple — you must simply overwhelm your body so that it pushes out the cold.
Start by finding someone suffering from the flu and have them cough in your face. Influenza hates cold and will start to weaken it. Hospital wards and retirement homes are recommended, as you sometuimes get bonus illnesses to go along with influenza. Two for the price of one!
Go to a daycare and have a small child suffering from impetigo scratch the wounds and touch you. Do you have blisters that burst and leave small wet patches of red skin that weep fluid? Good! This means it’s working!
When you head to the toilet, make sure you rub your eyes when you’re done. Eventually, one eye will turn pink. Now rub the other one to spread the magical goodness to both. This will protect your eyes from further problems of the common cold while you body battles it!
Still not feeling up to par? Head to the grocery store and look for some swollen, bursting canned veggies or soups. Also, pick up some pork chops. Go home and have a hearty meal! The blurred vision, clurred speech, muscles weakness and possible paralysis are part of the magic of botulism that’s fixing your body!
Still hungry? Leave those porkchops on the counter for a week and let trichinosis have a go at chasing that cold away!
Next, book a flight to a underdeveloped country and have some raw seafood from a warm coastal town subject to sewage contamination. Cholera results in vomiting and diarrhea – both of which help the bad cold leave your body! Yay cholera!
On your way back, stop in tropical Asia. No need to worry – just relax and the beach or wander inland to the jungle. A few mosquito bites will help you obtain malaria and dengue fever. Chills and fever? Sweating? That must be the tropical weather. Get home and get healthy!
If you’re still fighting that nasty cold, try having unprotected sex with street urchins, prostitutes, and undesirables. Chlamydia, syphilis, herpes, and gonorrhea will do the trick (pardon the pun!). HIV will really knock it out!
By now, your cold is long gone. You should be feeling much better and should not be bothered by a stuffy head or runny nose! Grandma said it works everytime!
I feel a bit of a sniffle coming on… off to a preschool!
posted by Josh on 1-8-2009 at 10:46 am
You should eat some beans. They cure everything. If you eat beans daily, you will not get sick. Additionally, you will have a healthy digestive system and regular bowel movements.
posted by Bean Per Day on 1-8-2009 at 10:47 am
Kick the kids out of the house. Hey, they’re the ones that got you sick in the first place and will continue to infect you every winter until they leave home. Kick em out, and take a looong vacation somewhere warm.
posted by Kate on 1-8-2009 at 10:52 am
First off, you need to hook yourself up to an IV that is full of orange juice. Not the from concentrate crap either, but fresh squeezed, by you, OJ. The only other thing that could be substituted is the cooled blood of OJ Simpson (I am guessing he got that name because he is 100% of your daily value of vitamin C). Then after you have run out of either OJ, you need to show the virus that you are in charge by freezing yourself. The virus calls itself a cold, so you need to out cold it. Watching the movie Out Cold is not an acceptable substitute. If after these two steps have not sucessfully defeated your Rhino Virus, you need to actually find a Rhino. When the rhino is located, you need to piss the rhino off really bad (try insulting its mother or giving a noogie or rug burn) and have it attack you. It may hurt but the rhino needs to win. This combination of remedies should sucessfully defeat your cold.
posted by John on 1-8-2009 at 10:53 am
A good, solid orgasm might not help, but it will release the mucus.
Oh, that’s nasty.
posted by Russ on 1-8-2009 at 11:00 am
A good, solid orgasm might not help the infection, but it will release the mucus.
posted by Russ on 1-8-2009 at 11:01 am
When dealing with the rhinovirus, we first have to identify what subspecies we are dealing with. Start a small fire in your local forest. Malaysian legend holds that any rhinoceros in the area will immediately come to stamp out the fire. If park rangers give you a hassle, you can substitute a tealight candle in your backyard.
As we are dealing with a common cold, the strain is probably the Southern White Rhinovirus, the most plentiful subspecies.
Once the rhino has been lured out with the fire, you’ll need to eliminate the oxpecker, or tick bird, which guards the rhino. Tick birds also eat the blood from sores, so borrow a neighbor’s ten-year-old (preferably male) and pay him five dollars to pick one of his scabs until bleeding occurs. The oxpecker will pursue the child, leaving the rhino defenseless.
Now, the easiest way to destroy a rhino is to break down the lattice-structured collagen of its skin. Collagen weakens when exposed to UV rays, fatty foods, or cigarette smoke, so I suggest eating several bags of Taco Bell (or your fast food of choice), smoking two packs of Camels or Marlboros (non of that Virginia Slims nonsense), and lying naked in a tanning bed for several hours. Note: do not, under any circumstances, ingest Vitamin C in any form. Vitamin C strengthens collagen, building the rhinos defenses. Avoid oranges, orange juice, OJ Simpson (generally a good plan anyway), Vitamin C supplements, and anything that even vaguely resembles the fruit or color orange.
Follow these instructions exactly and the rhinovirus will literally melt away.
Next week’s topic: Recognizing and Combatting Scurvy.
posted by Chelsea on 1-8-2009 at 11:04 am
Kill it with insults.
…stupid cold.
posted by Mike on 1-8-2009 at 11:08 am
A good orgasm wont cure the infection, but it sure will help you feel better.
posted by Russ on 1-8-2009 at 11:09 am
Orgasm. Cures everything.
posted by Russ on 1-8-2009 at 11:10 am
Step 1. Lie upside down. (This can be accomplished by laying your mattress vertically across your sofa.)
Step 2. Cover your feet in many layers of socks as possible. Then wrap your feet in the softest, thickest towels you own.
Step 3. Hum “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” until you fall asleep.
Cold will be gone by 5:00am.
posted by keri on 1-8-2009 at 11:12 am
The common cold can be brutal! Whenever my cousin’s friend gets the cold he insists on washing his hair with peanut butter. Something about the natural oils of the peanut providing a protective barrier. Also, Peanut butter provides protein, vitamins B3 and E, magnesium, and high levels of the antioxidant p-coumaric acid. All of these combine to combat that vicious germ bug within you! Have you tried washing your hair with extra chunky peanut butter?
Maybe, for added measure, you could wash your body with fruit preserves. It should return the glow back to your skin. Be sure to use bread as a sponge too! Good luck!
posted by Josh on 1-8-2009 at 11:14 am
Consume an entire banana, peal and all. Then, sing the tenor part of Beethoven’s “Ode to Joy” while resting your face in a bowl of ice.
posted by Stevox on 1-8-2009 at 11:15 am
1) Procure a very small slice of Epoisses. A larger quantity may cause the local neighborhood watch to report an odor violation.
2)Melt a thimble full of the Epoisses in the microwave and then mix with a small amount of milk. The mixture should be the same consistency of cheese wiz.
3)Spread this mixture under your nostrils. Breath deeply. Reapply as needed.
4)Not only will this clear up the sinuses but will allow you to enjoy any other aromatic cheese you bought when picking up the Epoisses.
5)Take a selection of your favorite wines and the aromatic cheeses and spread out on the couch.
posted by Owen on 1-8-2009 at 11:16 am
Cure to the common cold?
Simple!
Get the common hot bug.
BADA-CCCHHHHHHHHHHHH
posted by Taylor on 1-8-2009 at 11:33 am
Ever noticed that birds rarely get colds? Their immune systems are designed differently focusing more on broad resistance to low-level viruses and bugs rather than our specific identify-and-resist system. So how do you use the power of avian immune system to work for you? Don’t get squeamish on me, but the secret is in the blood, as in liberal applications of bird blood on the wet membranes of your nose, throat and sinuses. A nettie pot with chicken blood applied each morning and night should knock that cold out but quick!
posted by Joe Ayscue on 1-8-2009 at 11:53 am
Take a cup of apple vinegar, and gurggle it for 3 minutes, once an hour, for 4 hours. This will clear up the throat and congestion. Also, stick a Q-Tip in each ear and keep them in for about 4 hours as well. This will help block out more germs coming into the ear and let the body focus on the cold inside the ear.
(C’mon, you can’t tell you wouldn’t pay money to see a friend gurggle apple vinegar with two Q-Tips stuck in his/her ears!)
posted by Scott on 1-8-2009 at 12:06 pm
I am also sick and tried an uncanny amount of the above remedies. I couldn’t find any placenta in a hurry… nor could I find a dragon (I did dress my cat up as a dragon and let him breath on me but with very little success). I don’t know which burns worse, the wasabi in my eye or the VaporRubStuntman which I ate (did I mention I’m also sick with temporary dyslexia?). I bought out 3 liquor stores worth of whiskey and 2 grocery stores of oranges. Still nothing… so I tried my method and it’s working pretty well so far.
Milkweed plants have been regarded as one of the most influential (and undersung) plants in the foundation of medicine. It’s earliest discovery was credited to an early village in Northern Korea. The Tine-ePipi tribe originally used it as loincloth style coverings, but later discovered it’s practical use with all forms of illness (scrapes, fevers, shingles, VD, among others). Other aboriginal tribes from the far depths of Australia to Kentucky eventually discovered the benefits of the pods, and still use them to this day. MilkWeedEnthusiast.co.uk says the best way to cure your ailment is to break the pod open and remove the silky strands. Using a sticky surface (preferably a vat of industrial kindergarten paste, 1/2 inch thick) arrange every strand upright and no more than .0001cm apart. use the naturally sticky substance that lines both halves of the pod and attach over your eye sockets (this is to prevent blinding in the last stage). Bring your face to the upright sticky strand vat and brush your face back and forth across them for precisely 13 minutes and 45 seconds (your face will begin to melt in a Michael Jackson like fashion if you’re even 1 second over). Now eat the paste.
CURED! I’ve never felt better in my life!
posted by Sue F. on 1-8-2009 at 12:16 pm
You must deal with the cold physically and emotionally:
Physically you must make yourself immune to the cold…fight fire with fire: sneeze and/or cough into a paper bag. Then add the cold to something that ALREADY makes you FEEL good (chicken soup, shepherds pie, glass of wine etc.)..thus, becoming immune to your cold.
Emotionally: Listen to any good ukulele music: Melvern Taylor and The Meltones or Craig Robertson to name a few.
Guaranteed to feel better or your money back.
posted by deej on 1-8-2009 at 12:16 pm
Based on the remedies of the older generations, why not combine the horror of the sick kids with the apparent strength of those who prescribed the methods…
1) Take a teaspoon of castor oil. No, make it a tablespoon. You know, that helped her avoid the polio epidemic.
2) Go outside, yell as loudly as possible at anyone remotely near your yard to get off your land. Kids were more respectful back in your day.
3) Go back inside, turn on either the Western channel or Gameshow Network and fall asleep. When you wake up, you’ll feel much better even if you don’t know exactly where you are.
posted by Alex on 1-8-2009 at 12:18 pm
This is a cure for the common cold. This ritual must be performed at sunrise in a room with an eastern-facing window. The cold-sufferer sits in the center of the room, surrounded by 3 to an infinite number of his or her nearest and dearest friends. The friends all chant, sing, and just move about the cold-sufferer until he or she has submitted to a trance-like state. Then, the friends leave and go to a Chinese buffet, for it should be close to lunchtime and they must be hungry from all the running around they have been doing. Not a top-notch restaurant, but one that serves Americanized food, like French fries and Jello, alongside the crab rangoon and egg rolls. The party must steal a portion of food for their sick friend, and smuggle it out using pockets, purses, whatever means necessary. Next, they return to their ailing friend, and present whatever food they have brought back. The friend happily consumes it. However, it all hinges on the fortune cookie. If the fortune is positive, the cold will be gone by sundown. If the fortune is negative, they will be sick for another day or two, but the symptoms will not be too bad. And if some stupid person forgot the gosh darn fortune cookie, everyone is screwed and will catch the cold.
posted by Jillian on 1-8-2009 at 12:24 pm
Mix two parts mustard with one part salt and dilute with water. Drink quickly.
posted by Monica on 1-8-2009 at 12:30 pm
You must first humanely trap a squirrel and snip a pinch of hair from its tail. Release squirrel. Put hair in strainer and pour through two doses of NyQuil (the good version from behind the pharmacists’ counter) two shots vodka, one heaping tablespoon of BenGay and 12 oz orange juice. Pour into ice cube tray and freeze into a slurry.
While waiting for slurry, snort mixture of 8oz warm saltwater (preferably sea salt), one tablespoon lemonade and one teaspoon red pepper flakes. This will clear out your sinuses and most likely make you vomit and cry.
Once slurry is slushy and chunky, eat half of it in rapid spoonfuls, and rub the other half into your pulse points at neck, wrists, etc, and into your armpits, knee pits and elbow pits.
You should now be feeling cold and sticky in strange places, but a little buzzed as well. Leave the concoction on for 15 minutes and kill some time reading Mental Floss. Fill your bathtub to just above the ankle with cold water, ice cubes and oatmeal, then take a hot shower.
Finally, cover yourself from collarbone to toe in cheesecloth, eat two Slim Jims and drink a couple screwdrivers. Recline to a 45 degree angle on a La-Z-Boy with either the Game Show Network or Animal Planet playing at a very low volume and sleep for 6-12 hours.
posted by matt on 1-8-2009 at 12:51 pm
This is a true story: When my brother got a cold, he made little masks and swords for his circus fleas and turned them in to flea-ninjas. Then, after showing them a short instructional video he created on virus warfare, he snorted them. Inside his body, the flea-ninjas waged a brave and bloody war. Many flea lives were lost, but the virus was eventually destroyed by the flea-ninjas. The survivors have since trained a new generation of cold-fighting flea-ninjas.
I will give you a small army in exchange for that book.
posted by Brian on 1-8-2009 at 12:51 pm
best cure is to take a tee shirt and cut it into a long strip that will fit around your neck.
Then take as many strips of bacon as needed to completely encircle your neck both fron and back.
Lay the bacon strips in the t shirt strip that has been laced with a good amount of vinegar.
Then sprinkle pepper (red will work better as it is hotter) all over the bacon.
Firmly tie the t shirt strip loaded as mentioned around your neck.
Take a drink of scalding hot milk and then jump in bed.
Will be fine in the morning!
posted by olal on 1-8-2009 at 12:55 pm
As a mother of a three-year-old (and don’t all grown-ups act like children when they’re sick?) here is what i would definitely not do for my daughter, but may work for you:
strip down naked. find a pair of adult-sized footie PJs (if it has a flap in the back, all the better). put them on. wallow in the coziness.
line up any and all cold medicines you have by color, alphabetically. this will distract you from the fact that you should be taking said medication.
rub your forehead with an aspirin. for the headache.
find a good friend to come over that won’t laugh at your footie PJs and butt flap. have him dance like a monkey to scare away any lingering germs. if s/he laughs, sneezing on them to infect them may make you feel better.
ever time you start to sneeze, instead start saying “Purple Hippo!” at the top of you lungs.
no sneezing, no headache, no germs. i think my work here is done.
posted by MamaBug on 1-8-2009 at 1:01 pm
All the other remedies are for sissies! Take it from a “medical professional” that the bonafide cure is:
1)crush the shells of six large cockroaches and grind to a fine powder
2)dissolve the skin of any venomous snake in 1 pint of vodka over 24 hours
3)strain the vodka mixture into a pot and add the cockroach powder.
4)slowly simmer over a low flame until all the liquid has evaporated.
5)Chew anything remaining with lemon zest and sugar.
Guaranteed!
posted by katheryn holmes on 1-8-2009 at 1:06 pm
Put your right foot in, put right foot out, put your right foot in and shake it all about. Repeat with left foot. Continue as directed until cold disappears, approximately 7-8 shakes.
posted by Nicole on 1-8-2009 at 1:18 pm
OK, you’ll need two TV’s, a DVD player, a Sega Genesis and a hippie neighbor or acquaintance for this one. First, set up the TV’s and other electronic equipment in your bedroom; Genesis on one TV, DVD player on the other (do this before your visit to the hippie neighbor or the wiring will get difficult). Go to the store and by one copy of Madden football ‘97 for Sega Genesis and one copy of Fraggle Rock on DVD (also before the visit to the neighbor or you’ll chicken out on the Fraggle Rock). Go to hippie neighbor on the way home and purchase LSD/mushrooms. Go home and start Fraggle Rock on one TV (no sound) and Madden on the other (turn off the picture). Take LSD and watch Fraggle Rock while listening to Madden call a demo game on Madden ‘97. You won;t care if you have a cold and you’ll scare yourself into a coma until the you’re all better. You should probably also let you family and friends know that you will be “unavailable” for a couple of days.
posted by Sean O. on 1-8-2009 at 1:30 pm
If you can beat your runny nose in a foot race you win. Make sure to finish backwards or else your doomed to lose.
posted by NateJ on 1-8-2009 at 1:31 pm
Rephrase:
If you can beat your runny nose in a foot race you no more cold. Make sure to finish backwards or else your doomed to lose.
posted by NateJ on 1-8-2009 at 1:33 pm
(This is what I get for trying to post during work)
Final Actually Grammatically Correct Rephrase:
If you can beat your runny nose in a foot race no more cold. Make sure to finish backwards or else you’re doomed to lose.
posted by NateJ on 1-8-2009 at 1:36 pm
An electric drill up the nostrils will get rid of a stuffed nose one way or the other.
posted by Bryan on 1-8-2009 at 1:40 pm
Have sex. The workout will do your body good and you and your squeeze can be miserable together.
posted by Rachel on 1-8-2009 at 1:50 pm
Watching basketball instead of working, why would you want to get better?
posted by Dan on 1-8-2009 at 2:03 pm
Nothing. Completely ignore it, give it to everyone around you and it will go away.
posted by Jill on 1-8-2009 at 2:12 pm
THE MIRACULOUS CHICKEN SOUP CURE: Heat two gallons of chicken soup until it boils. Pour into a footbath, preferably one that has massage jets. Prepare a cocktail of 1 oz. Nyquil, 1 oz. rum, 1 oz. lemon juice and 1 tablespoon of raw sugar. Heat cocktail in microwave and stir with a leftover candy cane.
Soak feet in footbath while sipping cocktail and chant, “It’s not snowing, it’s not snowing” until the warm feeling allows you to fall asleep.
Repeat as needed.
WARNING: Do not leave feet in cooling footbath. The congealing chicken fat can cause difficulty in removing feet from soup later. For easy cleanup (you’re sick, you know) let the dog clean your feet before going to bed.
TIP: Call in to work before performing this miracle cure. You want them to hear the full-on pathetic wretch you are when you inform them you will be out for at least three days. Be sure to cough uncontrollably and blow your nose while on the phone, so they will encourage you to stay far away from them while they take care of your work.
Get well!
posted by RhondaB on 1-8-2009 at 2:16 pm
Drink a Diet Dr. Pepper. Seriously. It always made me feel better when I had a cold.
posted by Mary A. on 1-8-2009 at 2:46 pm
Pop Rocks as an effervescent to clear the sinus and a Coke to calm the stomach.
posted by Audrey on 1-8-2009 at 2:50 pm
Curl up on the couch with a VHS copy of DeathStalker II (that’s right II, not I) playing on the tube. If you haven’t done it during your lifetime by now you’ve never really lived anyway, and you might as well let the cold take over and ravage your mind into a confusing stupor.
posted by Brian S. on 1-8-2009 at 2:57 pm
First of all, you should gather 30-40 recycled from christmas poinsettia plants. then surround yourself in them..and a lot of homeless cats (dont let the cats eat the plants!!!) and take in the odor and the snuggles you get. next go to the bank and get out 200 quarters, 300 dimes, and 150 nickels and put them in your bathtub. then (getting a running start of course) jump into the bathtub…the pain it’s self should distract you from the cold, and then with all the cats you have to clean up after, it’ll be over before you know it. then go and grab a cd (i prefer zappa or primus) and a bottle of Jack and dance around with the kitties, while chugging your JD. after that you’ll be so exhausted you’ll never remember you had a cold…just a hangover and a really dirty house!!
posted by Jill...NOT Jillian on 1-8-2009 at 3:08 pm
My father-in-law swears by eating raw oysters. He keeps them stocked in his pantry. He has 82 years of proven experience with this method. My son has even tried this remedy.
posted by Amy on 1-8-2009 at 3:13 pm
Put Vicks Vapo-Rub into a Netty pot. Fill the pot with warm water. Stir. Lean over the kitchen sink with your head down, and slowly pour the warm mixture into one of your nostrils, and let it flow out the other! If this doesn’t kill you, it will kill your cold.
posted by Stephanie on 1-8-2009 at 3:34 pm
Drink a Hot Toddy, wear a Hot Toddy, bathe in a hot toddy, dream about Hot Toddy’s and then give birth to a son and name him Hot Toddy. You will never have a cold again, and your son will be mercilessly teased, but that’s all character building stuff, right?
posted by Erin on 1-8-2009 at 3:53 pm
Step 1: Obtain a moderate amount of wasabi.
Step 2: Use Wasabi to paint a moustache on your face. You can also horseradish, but the color of Wasabi will make it look funnier, and everyone knows that laughter is the best medicine, so it will have an added bonus.
Step 3: Wait until you can breathe through your nose again.
Step 4: Wash face. Beware of getting any wasabi-water in the eyes.
Step 5: Find Massusse and receive an hour long massage.
Repeat as needed.
posted by Chia on 1-8-2009 at 3:54 pm
Well, I would think the best way to get rid of something is to give it away. And why shouldn’t that apply to the common cold as well?
So here’s whatchyagottado:
1. find a box
2. sneeze, cough, blow your nose etc. into said box.
3. DO NOT–I repeat–DO NOT wash your hands, then wrap up the box in pretty paper
4. Give it to a friend.
5. Remember to touch every doorknob, faucet knob, and other communal items with your germy fingers.
And if that doesn’t work, go on all those dates with Kaitlyn and kiss all the frogs for her. Ever seen a frog with a cold? I’m sure you’ll feel much better.
posted by catherine ann on 1-8-2009 at 3:57 pm
I take some Airborne and mix it with green tea using a toxin absorbing footpad as a coaster. Before drinking the tea I dip a magnet in the cup (the North end first, then the South end) and, finally, drink it through a paper towel.
Always works.
posted by Adam D. Jones on 1-8-2009 at 4:22 pm
Mother nature knows best, so this remedy comes straight from my dog. To relieve the symptoms of the common cold, and particularly chest congestion, follow these steps. Lie down on the floor on your back with your limbs straight up in the air. Ask a friend or family member to dangle a plush animal just out of your reach. Do your best to try and grab the animal from them. Vigorously wave your arms and flail your legs. If you feel moved to growl, snarl or bark, go ahead and do so; the vibrations will help loosen the phlegm. After about 10 minutes, stand and you’ll find you need to hock a loogie. My dog does this on the floor, but you might find the sink more sanitary. Repeat as needed.
posted by Austinista on 1-8-2009 at 4:28 pm
Start with rubbing eucalyptus oil on the back of your neck and belly button.
Next put 4 layers clothes on.
Now make yourself a real stiff drink with brandy in it.
Pick out your fave 5 – 6 movies to watch depending on the length and put them in your multi dvd player.
Now cover the place you will watch the in with all the pillows you have and cover yourself with 2 more blankets.
Honestly though Colostrum is a great natural remedy that works like an antibiotic. Any vitamin store and some grocery stores would have it.(wierd fact but colostrum is an important ingredient in breast milk that keeps babies healthy)
posted by Des on 1-8-2009 at 4:58 pm
To cure the common cold, avoid anything…. well…. COMMON.
That’s right, be ARISTOCRATIC in your remedies…
From wrapping your chilled, aching bones in the softest, warmest CASHMERE to supplemeting your hot beverages with the priciest LIQUORS…
remember, your fever is actually a ROYAL Flush!
posted by Amy on 1-8-2009 at 5:39 pm
This is an actual cold/sore throat remedy my mother used to make for us.
Slice two onions in strips. Put them on a bowl, sprinkle half a cup of sugar on it. Mix it nicely. Let it sit overnight.
In the morning, press a tablespoon to the onion-sugar concoction. Liquidy oniony goodness should come to your spoon. Drink it, as much as you want. It’s not actually half bad, I enjoyed it a lot as a kid. And apparently, really helps that scratchy throat.
posted by Paulina on 1-8-2009 at 6:03 pm
Most people assume that cold virus, or indeed any other virus, are non-sentient ‘things’. Through in-depth research on myself I have found this not to be the case. The virus is cunning, devious and posesses a cold, cruel intelligence (no pun intended…well, maybe a little) like few other organisms on this planet, with one exception. No prizes for guessing.
A few years back I had a nasty cold which developed into pneumonia. I had tried all the cures I could think of but all of them had failed and I was left with but a few short hours to live. With nothing else left to try I decided to attempt something radical and commune with the virus that was busy tearing apart my body.
I lit up some incense candles and settled down on the floor of my apartment. After 40 minutes of chanting, swaying (the fevered delirium helped with this) and random hallucinations (the fevered delirium helped with this too) I finally achieved my goal and made contact with my virus. We chatted for a bit, discussed the weather, debated whether or not Chandler was making a mistake in marrying Monica, you know, the usual stuff. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I entered into negotiations with the virus to see how we could come to some kind of resolution whereby I continued to live and it, to put it delicately, got the **** out of my body. The virus revealed to me that what it, and all other viruses, truly desire is to proliferate and spread to as many people as possible. Makes sense. However, people are so determined to keep the virus to themselves and prevent it from spreading that the virus has no choice but to overwhelm the host’s body. We agreed that if I were to go out and spread the virus to as many people as I could then it would leave me in peace.
We shook hands, signed treaties, cracked open a bottle of champagne and celebrated the start of a brand new era. I then withdrew from my meditative state and embarked on my mission to spread the word of virus love amongst my fellow man. I spent the next hour hugging, kissing and breathing on anyone who came within reach and before I knew it I was cured! The virus had completely left my body and I felt grand. The people I had infected weren’t so fortunate and the majority of them wound up in the morgue.
Anyway, I should wrap this up as my execution is scheduled for noon and it is 10:50am already. My jailers have, with their usual wit and grace, begun to refer to me as Typhoid James which is a bit harsh. Typhoid is a bacterial disease! Oh well, it has a nice ring to it, I suppose.
So, in closing, this cure, although guaranteed to work, is only really achievable if you have an open mind and are a complete sociopath. It also helps to cover your tracks so the authorities don’t trace the outbreak back to you. I wish I’d thought of that.
Signed,
Typhoid James
posted by Typhoid James on 1-8-2009 at 7:22 pm
This cure works very well to clear up a “head cold.” My dad used to give to to me when I was growing up on our family farm in Illinois.
Step 1: Put 1/2 tsp of dry baking soda in your mouth. Go immediately to Step 2. (Arm & Hammer works best.)
Step 2: Then rinse your mouth with a healthy swig of apple cider vinegar. (Red wine vinegar will do, also). Rinse for 30 seconds, and spit.
Then go milk the pigs.
posted by Bob G on 1-8-2009 at 7:23 pm
I’ve been rubbing jackalope dung on my scalp for years. I’m still bald, but I’ve been told “any day now…”
posted by TJ Hooker on 1-8-2009 at 7:40 pm
I have been told that spices are good for a cold so try:
A cup of very lemony tea
Add garlic and onion and
3 dashes worchestershire sauce
posted by Elaine R on 1-8-2009 at 8:00 pm
I’m going to be straight with you. There is no easy way to cure the common cold, one of the most deadly rhinoviruses on the face of the earth, and possibly the galaxy. Truthfully, a rhino isn’t really that scary. A more suiting name would be the mother-in-law-virus, but that’s besides the point. Curing the common cold is no easy task, but it can in fact be done, and with relative ease.
Step 1: Simply compete in eight Tour de France competitions, winning each and every one in the face of insurmountable adversity.
*Optional: Become the leading worldwide spokesperson for a terminal disease raising billions of dollars towards its cure.
Step 2: Bring home nine gold medals from a single Olympic games.
*Optional: Win each and every race in a more spectacular way than the preceding.
Step 3: Get challenged to what should undoubtedly be the most difficult and improbable (for victory) fight of your life.
*Optional: Train using carcasses kept at just below absolute zero and reach the top of the Eiffel Tower, by staircase, with celebratory arm pumps at the finish.
Step 4: Lead your respective country through a civil movement, changing the way millions of people view a certain race, ethnicity, nationality, etc.
*Optional: Create one of the most memorable speeches in history; become eponymous to a specific day.
Step 5: Discover and prove that it is in fact possible to achieve speeds greater than the speed of light.
*Optional: Crazy and unforgettable hairdo.
I can fully guarantee that upon completing these simple, straightforward steps, the common cold will have been utterly vanquished.
posted by Eric W on 1-8-2009 at 9:13 pm
I would write out a whole long remedy to the common cold while the book is already in the process of being rewarded to someone. Just my luck!
posted by Eric W on 1-8-2009 at 10:30 pm
cloves and spider droppings plus a dash of celery salt mixed in blender.
Heat on stove.
DO NOT DRINK WHEN THINKING OF SIGNIFICANT OTHER.
posted by Timothy Selig on 1-9-2009 at 8:30 am