Step 1: Simply compete in eight Tour de France competitions, winning each and every one in the face of insurmountable adversity.
*Optional: Become the leading worldwide spokesperson for a terminal disease raising billions of dollars towards its cure.

Step 2: Bring home nine gold medals from a single Olympic games.
*Optional: Win each and every race in a more spectacular way than the preceding.

Step 3: Get challenged to what should undoubtedly be the most difficult and improbable (for victory) fight of your life.
*Optional: Train using carcasses kept at just below absolute zero and reach the top of the Eiffel Tower, by staircase, with celebratory arm pumps at the finish.

Step 4: Lead your respective country through a civil movement, changing the way millions of people view a certain race, ethnicity, nationality, etc.
*Optional: Create one of the most memorable speeches in history; become eponymous to a specific day.

Step 5: Discover and prove that it is in fact possible to achieve speeds greater than the speed of light.
*Optional: Crazy and unforgettable hairdo.

I can fully guarantee that upon completing these simple, straightforward steps, the common cold will have been utterly vanquished.

Step 1: Put 1/2 tsp of dry baking soda in your mouth. Go immediately to Step 2. (Arm & Hammer works best.)

Step 2: Then rinse your mouth with a healthy swig of apple cider vinegar. (Red wine vinegar will do, also). Rinse for 30 seconds, and spit.

Then go milk the pigs.

A few years back I had a nasty cold which developed into pneumonia. I had tried all the cures I could think of but all of them had failed and I was left with but a few short hours to live. With nothing else left to try I decided to attempt something radical and commune with the virus that was busy tearing apart my body.

I lit up some incense candles and settled down on the floor of my apartment. After 40 minutes of chanting, swaying (the fevered delirium helped with this) and random hallucinations (the fevered delirium helped with this too) I finally achieved my goal and made contact with my virus. We chatted for a bit, discussed the weather, debated whether or not Chandler was making a mistake in marrying Monica, you know, the usual stuff. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I entered into negotiations with the virus to see how we could come to some kind of resolution whereby I continued to live and it, to put it delicately, got the **** out of my body. The virus revealed to me that what it, and all other viruses, truly desire is to proliferate and spread to as many people as possible. Makes sense. However, people are so determined to keep the virus to themselves and prevent it from spreading that the virus has no choice but to overwhelm the host’s body. We agreed that if I were to go out and spread the virus to as many people as I could then it would leave me in peace.

We shook hands, signed treaties, cracked open a bottle of champagne and celebrated the start of a brand new era. I then withdrew from my meditative state and embarked on my mission to spread the word of virus love amongst my fellow man. I spent the next hour hugging, kissing and breathing on anyone who came within reach and before I knew it I was cured! The virus had completely left my body and I felt grand. The people I had infected weren’t so fortunate and the majority of them wound up in the morgue.

Anyway, I should wrap this up as my execution is scheduled for noon and it is 10:50am already. My jailers have, with their usual wit and grace, begun to refer to me as Typhoid James which is a bit harsh. Typhoid is a bacterial disease! Oh well, it has a nice ring to it, I suppose.

So, in closing, this cure, although guaranteed to work, is only really achievable if you have an open mind and are a complete sociopath. It also helps to cover your tracks so the authorities don’t trace the outbreak back to you. I wish I’d thought of that.

Signed,

Typhoid James

Slice two onions in strips. Put them on a bowl, sprinkle half a cup of sugar on it. Mix it nicely. Let it sit overnight.

In the morning, press a tablespoon to the onion-sugar concoction. Liquidy oniony goodness should come to your spoon. Drink it, as much as you want. It’s not actually half bad, I enjoyed it a lot as a kid. And apparently, really helps that scratchy throat.

That’s right, be ARISTOCRATIC in your remedies…

From wrapping your chilled, aching bones in the softest, warmest CASHMERE to supplemeting your hot beverages with the priciest LIQUORS…

remember, your fever is actually a ROYAL Flush!

Honestly though Colostrum is a great natural remedy that works like an antibiotic. Any vitamin store and some grocery stores would have it.(wierd fact but colostrum is an important ingredient in breast milk that keeps babies healthy)