mental_floss magazine
SUBSCRIBE >
GIFT SUBSCRIPTIONS >
DIGITAL SUBSCRIPTIONS >
subscriber services >
I don’t want to rush up a winner of yesterday’s Darwin Awards book giveaway – the responses are just too good. So we’ll resolve that one over the weekend while I’m snowed in. In the meantime, the next book for the taking is Joseph Cummins’ Anything for a Vote. Mr. Cummins did some guest blogging for us before the election, and we have two more copies of his fantastic book to give away.
Since we have two copies, let’s have two contests. You can enter one or both:
1. You’ve been elected President (congratulations!), and you’ve decided to shake things up. You’re going to create three new cabinet-level positions. Secretary of ________, ________ General or ________ Czar. (Or whatever you’d like to name them.) What are your positions called, and who would fill them?
2. I’m thinking of a former Vice President of the United States. First person to name him wins.
I’ll pick the two winners for this one on Monday. Have a great weekend!
Comments (88)
Comment
- Follow mental_floss
2. Dan Quayle
posted by Nicole on 1-10-2009 at 12:02 am
2. Aaron Burr
posted by Witty Nickname on 1-10-2009 at 12:02 am
1)
Secretary of Common Sense – Ralph Nader
Automotive Czar – Lee Iacocca
Office of Balanced Budgets and No Government Debt General – My Dad (who has pounded into my head since I was 5 about fiscal responsibilty)
2) Spiro Agnew
posted by Scott on 1-10-2009 at 12:04 am
1. Director of Quality Control, Urban Meyer
posted by Nicole on 1-10-2009 at 12:04 am
2. Hannibal Hamlin
posted by ESJ on 1-10-2009 at 12:05 am
VP = Martin Van Buren. Must be right!
posted by Katy on 1-10-2009 at 12:07 am
2. Martin Van Buren
posted by Katy on 1-10-2009 at 12:08 am
1)The Department of Wildlife: Safari Leader Jack Hanna. He seems to know quite a bit about the subject.
The Department of the Internet: Secretary Al Gore, since he invented it and everything.
And the Department of Music: Maestro…I don’t know. Let’s see what Keith Richards is up to. It would give us all something to laugh about, though.
2) Schuyler Colfax.
posted by Jillian on 1-10-2009 at 12:19 am
Walter Mondale
posted by elconnivre on 1-10-2009 at 12:23 am
2. Walter Mondale
posted by Danny on 1-10-2009 at 12:24 am
2.) Al Gore
posted by Eric W on 1-10-2009 at 12:31 am
John Tyler
posted by Adam D. Jones on 1-10-2009 at 12:35 am
1) Secretary of Athletics – Michael Jordan (everybody likes Mike, and clearly Space Jam has shown us he knows what is fair involving sports)
Secretary of Innovation – Steve Jobs (because giving him and his creative team the government’s money should be able to get us the flying cars, ray guns, and apartments in space we have always been promised!)
Comedy Czar – Gabriel Iglesias (saw this guy, who normally does a comedy show for adults, do a great show for a 13 and over audience as well! The country needs to laugh at itself every once in a while!)
2) John Nance Garner
posted by Jason on 1-10-2009 at 12:41 am
2) Hannibal Hamlin
posted by Doug on 1-10-2009 at 12:42 am
Secretary of Humorous Insight, Silent General and Unspeaking Czar.
The positions would be filled by siblings; in order: Larry, his brother Darrell and his other brother Darrell.
The Lincoln Bedroom would be up for rent, of course.
posted by Paul on 1-10-2009 at 12:50 am
Teddy Roosevelt (was a VP before being a President)
posted by Greg B on 1-10-2009 at 12:56 am
2. Martin Van Buren
posted by Sandy on 1-10-2009 at 12:59 am
Walter Mondale
posted by Scott on 1-10-2009 at 1:10 am
Secretary of Carnal Advice
William Rufus deVane King
posted by Chris on 1-10-2009 at 1:16 am
2) John C. Calhoun
posted by pc on 1-10-2009 at 1:48 am
1. Department of Commercial Giveaways – Oprah Winfrey (should probably collaborate with some people on the gift tax issue)
Secretary Against Prohibition – Robert Downey Jr. – this is to ensure that a tragedy of this magnitude never befalls this country again.
Department of Quality Control for Comedy – Zombie George Carlin – his first act would be getting rid of Ned Holness (Carlos Mencia).
2. Theodore Roosevelt. The coolest VP and President of all time (Rough Riders, anyone?)
posted by Alex on 1-10-2009 at 1:55 am
As President, I would appoint Al Gore as Secretary of the Interior, and I would initiate a dual cabinet chair, one of IN and OUT, which would be strictly handling all the other, buzzkill legislation manure that pollutes our political system. There would also be an mp3 player involved that would play music that all three agreed upon.
ReCaptcha= decorated stairs, which would be my “Yes We Can.”
As for number two, I gotta go with John Nance Garner, who died shortly before his 99th birthday.
posted by Johnny Cat on 1-10-2009 at 2:15 am
1.
Assistant to the President
- duties: Provides support, no-nonsense advice, and fresh beets at the pleasure of the President. Plus, doubles as volunteer secret service deputy.
- filled by: Dwight Schrute
Grand Poobah of Factoids
- duties: dispenses interesting trivia and history relating to whatever the President is talking about at the time
- filled by: perhaps a Mr. English? This is of course in no way an attempt to sell a cabinet seat in return for a book…
Attorney Specific of GTD
- duties: organizes the president and the rest of his Cabinet’s lives for maximum efficiency, and facilitates getting things done (there is a lot to do!)
- filled by: David Allen or Gina Trapani
posted by pc on 1-10-2009 at 2:40 am
It’s gotta be Walter Mondale. Everyone loves Walter Mondale.
posted by Stephen on 1-10-2009 at 3:05 am
It’s gotta be Adlai E. Stevenson. Everyone loves Adlai E. Stevenson!
posted by stephen on 1-10-2009 at 3:08 am
Hubert Humphrey
posted by Lindsay on 1-10-2009 at 3:09 am
Secretary of Secretaries
Dick Cheney
posted by Steve on 1-10-2009 at 3:18 am
Lyndon Johnson
posted by Diann on 1-10-2009 at 3:55 am
1. Fashion Czar – Tim Gunn
Secretary of Awesome – Bruce Campbell
Fictional Character Czar – Batman
2.Garret Hobart
posted by Zach on 1-10-2009 at 6:39 am
Adlai Stevenson
posted by Roger on 1-10-2009 at 7:17 am
A real team of rivals:
Secretary of Generals: The man with two first names, Ron Paul.
Secretary General: The man with two last names, Anderson Cooper.
Car Czar: Kenneth Starr (or Terri Garr)
2. Adlai E Stevenson
posted by Gabe on 1-10-2009 at 7:27 am
1)Cigar Czar – Zombie Desi Arnez
Guitar Czar – Carlos Santana
Par Czar – Tiger Woods
Sitar Czar – Ravi Shankar
Afar Czar – Captain Robert Falcon Scott
Scar Czar – Harry Potter
Bar Czar – Ted Danson in a Red Sox jersey
Arrr Czar – CAptain Jack Sparrow
2)Dick Cheney
posted by Steve on 1-10-2009 at 7:37 am
2. Schuyler Colefax
posted by Cassandra on 1-10-2009 at 8:01 am
2) Andrew Johnson
posted by Amy on 1-10-2009 at 9:46 am
Calvin Coolidge
posted by Amy on 1-10-2009 at 9:49 am
2) John Breckenridge
posted by Amy on 1-10-2009 at 9:50 am
2) Richard Johnson
posted by Amy on 1-10-2009 at 9:53 am
Thomas Jefferson
posted by Amy on 1-10-2009 at 9:55 am
2)George Clinton
Oh come on, ONE of my guessses HAS to be whom you’re looking for!
OkAy… I stop now.
posted by Amy on 1-10-2009 at 9:57 am
for 1.)
Secretary of Pudding. I mean, who doesn’t want one of those?
The Official Noise General. Just so that he can be called TONG for short.
and lastly, The Official Person of Speaking. For on those days when you feel too lazy to get up and do a lecture.
2.)
John C. Calhoun. Have you seen that guy’s picture?!
posted by Linda on 1-10-2009 at 10:05 am
Secretary of the Inferior-In charge of addressing the nation’s self esteem issues (Dr. Phil)
Specific General- Prosecuting politicians who say they are going to be specific, and then say something very general). (the late Tim Russert)
Zsa Zsa Czar- Czar of diamonds and tongue twisters (Flavor Flav)
posted by Jason on 1-10-2009 at 10:08 am
Nelson Rockefeller
posted by Mike G. on 1-10-2009 at 10:13 am
Second attempt:
Nelson Rockefeller
posted by Mike G. on 1-10-2009 at 10:16 am
My cabinet:
Secretary of the Inferior:
Hillary Clinton
Bacon And All Things Bacon Related Czar:
Paula Deen
Minister Of The Fence:
Any random border vigilante in Arizona (preferably one who won’t shoot me for kinda making fun of them…)
posted by Michael C on 1-10-2009 at 10:43 am
1.) Secretary of Offense: Howard Stern
2.) John Adams-the 1st VP and the only VP from the Federalist Party.
posted by Mike on 1-10-2009 at 10:53 am
1) Secretary of Fun. The position would be to maintain an appropriate level of not-boringness in American political life so more people would pay attention. To be filled by Jesse Thorn.
Reporter-General. The position would be to increase communication between the executive branch and the press so the secretiveness of the current administration coulds not continue. (Once ratified by congress, this person could not be fired by the president.) To be filled by Harry Shearer.
Alcohol Czar. This position would monitor the quality and strength of American-produced and imported alcoholic beverages to make sure that they are worthy of being drunk by Americans. My liver and I will fill this position.
2) Richard Nixon.
posted by Pastor Josh on 1-10-2009 at 11:14 am
Secretary of Media – Jason English, supporting a change in media to encourage intelligence and competence amongst our citizens (though, of course, not censoring anything).
2. Rufus King ftw
recaptcha – Hedin West
posted by Lisa on 1-10-2009 at 11:33 am
1. Secretary of Tomfoolery. Mixmaster General.
2. Nixon
posted by Tony on 1-10-2009 at 11:34 am
Oh, we were supposed to name all three! Oops…
1) a)Secretary of Offense: Howard Stern b)Divorce Attorney General: Zsa Zsa Gabor (she’s been divorced 7 times!) c)Bizarre Czar: Tom Cruise
2) John Adams
posted by Mike on 1-10-2009 at 11:37 am
2. I would think that the former Vice President would already have a name. But if you want me to name him, I will name him “Fluffy”.
posted by Lisa on 1-10-2009 at 11:38 am
VP Gerald Ford
posted by Don on 1-10-2009 at 11:41 am
(continued), sorry, I submitted before I meant to.
The other 2 positions would be:
Country Environmental Planner – Michael Reynolds (mentioned in mental floss in 3 Extreme Ways To Go Green March 10, 2008. Not only would he ensure public buildings are “green” and reduce trash building up in landfills, he’d also make sure the entire country’s roads and layout would ensure productivity and work fluidly without any wasted resources.
And the third position, the title is his own name:
Prince Mongo (seen in last months mental floss blog How To Be A Local Character: Five Basic Examples). His job? He’ll just do what he’s been doing (quote on his myspace) “I use my energies to divert disasters like earthquakes, tornados, and hurricanes.”
posted by Lisa on 1-10-2009 at 11:56 am
Presidential Court Jester (p/t):
Britney Spears- Monday
Daniel Tosh -Tuesday
Ron Burgundy-Wednesday
Oscar Wilde- Thursday
Sarah Palin- Friday
Tina Fey- Saturday
Mel Brooks- Sunday
2) Millard Fillmore
posted by Caitlin on 1-10-2009 at 12:05 pm
Secretary of Wealth Redistribution – Robin Hood
Bailout Czar – Rick Wagoner
War Profiteer General – Dick Cheney
VP: George H.W. Bush
posted by Addison on 1-10-2009 at 12:40 pm
Secretary of Kicking Ass and Attorney General of Taking Names
Kicking ass would be Charles Bronson and The Attorney General would be Coach Ditka.
posted by chuck on 1-10-2009 at 1:17 pm
2) Dan Quayle
posted by Bill on 1-10-2009 at 2:11 pm
1.Secretary of Keeping it Real- Randy Jackson
Sturgeon General- Bear Grylls
Jar Czar- Mr. Peanut
2. Spiro Agnew
posted by Nick on 1-10-2009 at 2:48 pm
1. You’ve been elected President (congratulations!), and you’ve decided to shake things up. You’re going to create three new cabinet-level positions. Secretary of ________, ________ General or ________ Czar. (Or whatever you’d like to name them.) What are your positions called, and who would fill them?
Culture Czar, Perez Hilton
Secretary of Sports and Recreation-Bob Costas
Media Czar- Oprah Winfrey
2. I’m thinking of a former Vice President of the United States. First person to name him wins.
Harry S. Truman
posted by Amy McNeal on 1-10-2009 at 2:50 pm
Contest 1.
Minister of Administrative Affairs – Joe Lieberman
Secretary of the Exterior – Al Gore
Taxmaster General – John Linder
Contest 2.
Nelson Rockefeller
posted by Daniel on 1-10-2009 at 3:37 pm
Secretary of Bacon (He who cuts out the pork) — Warren Buffet
Jingoism Czar (He who travels the country reminding us why we’re still awesome, in spite of our massive failings) — Chuck Norris
posted by TJ Hooker on 1-10-2009 at 5:32 pm
2. Chester Arthur
posted by Em on 1-10-2009 at 5:55 pm
1. Secretary Of Space Exploration — John Varley
Secretary Of Innovation — Steven Jobs (department works as follows, to borrow from the writings of Robert Anton Wilson — anyone who can engineer or invent a process by which his or her full-time job becomes redundant or automated recieves a government stipend of $60,000/year for life)
Secretary of Frugality — Dan Ho
2. William A Wheeler (because hey, even Rutherford B Hayes had a veep)
posted by Duke Egbert on 1-10-2009 at 6:01 pm
1) Secretary of Keeping it Real Bart Simpson
General Hospital General – George Clooney
Phase Czar – William Shatner
2) Daniel D. Tompkins
posted by Nathan on 1-10-2009 at 6:05 pm
Secretary of Comedy- Dane Cook [no more work at the BK Lounge]
Food Network General- Rachael Ray [who doesn't like food?]
Guitar Czar- Jimi Hendrix [the true 'Guitar Hero']
posted by Jessie on 1-10-2009 at 6:30 pm
animal rights, and some one who works at a kill shelter would run it
and a bar czar, to make everyone drinks at the end of the day
posted by mindy on 1-10-2009 at 8:16 pm
Divorce Attorney:Elizabeth Taylor (I know she’s dead, so she’d have to comunicate through an ouija board)
Secretary of Comedy: Jeff Foxworthy
2) William Rufus De Vane King
posted by Sara on 1-10-2009 at 8:39 pm
2) Elbridge Gerry
posted by A.J. on 1-10-2009 at 8:56 pm
1 Secretary of recording federal events and press conferences-Steven Speilberg(I hope its spelled right)
Sea Czar(pun intended)-Captain Blackbeard(I’ll bring him back to life)
Peace General-Mahatma Gandhi(i’ll bring him back to life too.)
posted by Hareesh on 1-10-2009 at 9:02 pm
Secretary of Clean Hand Washing – Marc Summers
Chief of Funny Baby Names – Frank Zappa
Head Boy – Gary Coleman
posted by Chris on 1-10-2009 at 10:14 pm
Official “Watchdog” Walker – Dog the Bounty Hunter
Chester A. Arthur
posted by Dustin on 1-10-2009 at 10:40 pm
2. Alben Barkley
posted by Nick on 1-11-2009 at 12:26 am
George Dallas
posted by Emily on 1-11-2009 at 9:35 am
2) Teddy Roosevelt
1)Secretary of Funk George Clinton
Drug Czar The Late Timothy Leary
Drummer General Bun E. Carlos
posted by gus on 1-11-2009 at 9:57 am
1. The Department of Cultural Pretension, headed by Secretary James Lipton.
2. The Department of Population Increase, headed by Secretary Angelina Jolie
3. And the office of Celebrity General, occupancy of which is decided each fall in a cage-fighting match between George Clooney, Robert DeNiro, and Jack Nicholson.
posted by Julia on 1-11-2009 at 10:26 am
1a. Secretary of Common Sense – Bill Simmons (ESPNs the Sports Guy)
1b. Commerce Regulation General – That guy on MSNBC who yells a lot
1c. Recreation Czar – Samantha Brown from the Travel Channel
2. Walter Mondale
posted by Joe on 1-11-2009 at 3:46 pm
2. William King
posted by Pointy-Hatted Geek on 1-11-2009 at 6:41 pm
2. John C. Breckinridge
posted by Pointy-Hatted Geek on 1-11-2009 at 6:57 pm
2. Charles Dawes
posted by Pointy-Hatted Geek on 1-11-2009 at 7:19 pm
Secretary of M- Miss Moneypenny
Sturgeon General- Babe Winkelman
Hardy Har Har Czar- Ralph Kramden
posted by Pete on 1-11-2009 at 8:05 pm
Secretary of Dropped Coins- Ben Dover
Under-the-bleachers General- Seymour Butts
Fast-food Czar- Hugh Jass
posted by Jake on 1-11-2009 at 8:21 pm
2. Since Spiro Agnew was mentioned, FDR?
posted by Cait on 1-11-2009 at 9:11 pm
1)
secretary of the internet: Ron Paul
secretary of thought: Jessica Simpson
secretary of ethics: Bill Clinton
2) John Adams
posted by Cosette on 1-11-2009 at 9:37 pm
Secretary of Grammar,
Ass-kicking General
Mullet czar
posted by Joe on 1-11-2009 at 9:51 pm
#2. Adlai Stevenson
posted by Josh on 1-12-2009 at 9:50 am
By Presidential decree, I hereby create the following Cabinet posts:
First, the new Secretary of Idiocy Control will be the guy who runs Despair.com. He has the talent for recognizing sheer stupidity and the brass-ones to not only point it out, but mercilessly make fun of it.
Second, I have chosen this 5 year old boy to Secretary of Truth and Transparency. If anything happens within the walls of the White House, you can be assured that a 5 year old boy will always tattle everything word-for-word, especially if you tell them it’s a secret, or if it’s especially embarrassing.
Lastly, despite outcries against nepotism, I’ve chosen my sister to be the new Penny-Pinching Czar. (This is not actually a new post. This will replace Treasury Secretary because that’s really not been doing well in recent years anyway.) The reason behind this post is that she has raised four well behaved, well educated well dressed children on a single income. They have vehicles (insured) for everyone, also the appropriate number of cell phones, video games and general consumer merchandise. Three of the kids are in college (one in pre-med in a private school) and to make it all that much better, they have NO DEBT. You don’t think Mr. Henry Paulson could do that, do you?
Make it so.
Signed,
Kendyl – POTUS
posted by Kendyl on 1-12-2009 at 10:05 am
Even if he missed the VP
posted by Give it to Steve on 1-12-2009 at 10:58 am
ok
Question 1
1. Czar of Safety and Security-Chuck Norris
2. Secretary of kiss my ass-Whitney Houston
3. Sticky Note General-to make sure im supplied at all times-my sister.
Question 2
Millard Fillmore
posted by Kait on 1-12-2009 at 12:49 pm
2. Thomas Hendricks
posted by Melanie on 1-12-2009 at 3:04 pm