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First, a little housekeeping. The winners of our last two giveaways are Keri (who correctly guessed I was holding a Midnight Blue crayon) and Lauren (who suggested mental_floss take over the pre-movie trailer trivia – there were a lot of great suggestions that had come up in previous meetings over the years, but this one was new to me). Thanks to everyone for your ideas. We’re going to sit down and read through them as a team, so there may be some additional prizes doled out at a later date. (And yes, we actually have done a swimsuit issue. One day we may re-run that feature here on the blog.)
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
On to the next book giveaway. You’ll be playing for a copy of The Book of Useless Information by Noel Botham and the Useless Information Society. Here’s a blurb about the UIS: “In 1995, a secret society of Britain’s foremost thinkers, writers, and artists formed to trade and share in what founding member, playwright and journalist Keith Waterhouse, would call ‘totally bloody useless’ information—usually over a pint or two at a local pub. Now, The Useless Information Society regurgitates its bizarre findings for American readers in this first of what they threaten will be several volumes.”
For tonight’s challenge, for reasons I can’t disclose, you’ve been tasked with creating your own secret society. What will you call it? Where will you meet? How will you initiate new members? What’s your mission? (You know, just between us.) Provided there’s more than one great society, we’ll give away a few back issues to runners-up as well.
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The Secret Society of Separatists from Undesirable Regions of States that We Live In (SSSURSWI) will be formed of citizens who wish to secede from the State we live in because of undesirable regions. (A la West Virginia, or is that the other way around?)
For example; the SSURSWI chapter of PA would immediately annex Philadelphia to another state (we’ll throw in Allentown, New Jersey!).
To get to the meeting spot, you’ll have to drive down Main Street and make a left at Old Lady Johnson’s house. Go up to the top of the mountain and turn right at the old Dairy Queen and bear right at the Y where Jimmy’s truck got stuck that one stormy night.
For initiation purposes, it’ll be like AA.
“Hi, my name is John Boy and I wanna break away from those good for nothin’ trash from Filthadelphia. Those bastards took away all my farm subsidies to build another arena for the iggles!”
Collective response: “Hi John Boy”
Then, after the meeting, we’re going cow tipping and throw crap in the crick and shoot our .22’s at them.
I encourage every commenter to come up with their own SSSURSWI chapter in their state! C’mon New York, I know you want to trade Buffalo to Canada for a decent hockey team! Go Pens!
posted by Scott on 1-20-2009 at 10:42 pm
BTW, the SSURSWI chapter of PA will never get anything done, but we’ll sure have a good time!
posted by Scott on 1-20-2009 at 10:45 pm
The Order of the Phoenix Cardinal Fans
To separate the bandwagon-jumping Arizona Cardinal fans from the long-suffering Phoenix (and St. Louis and Chicago) Cardinal fans in the run up to the Super Bowl, we’d pose potential new members trivia questions about Neil Lomax and Timm Rosenbach. Uniforms would be O.J. Anderson and Boomer Esiason jerseys.
Rituals would include Stuart Smalley-esque self-esteem exercises.
posted by John on 1-20-2009 at 10:49 pm
The Secret Society of Followers
What just moved in your periphery?
Is someone watching you brush your teeth through the mirror?
Who just witnessed you “subtly” pick your nose?!
We did. Much like ninjas, we are trained to startle you with the sound of footsteps, make you quiet your humming on an empty street, be the “something touched my leg!” in the lake. Those who are initiated you will never find, and those who failed initiation, well, obviously we’re good at hiding things.
Our Secret Library does need stocking however.
posted by Caitorade on 1-20-2009 at 11:06 pm
The super secret society, XXXXXXXXX XXX XXXXXXXX, is made up of a select group of XXXXXXXXX who meet in the XXXXXXXX of the XXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXX. Their initiation is rumored to include XXXXXXXXXXXXX, XXXXXX, and even XXXXXXXXXX. For those few that survive the initiation, they can look forward to a life filled with XXXXXXX and XXXXXXX.
(Note: this document has been been only partially declassified. If you knew any more members of the XXXXXXXXX XXX XXXXXXXX would have to XXXXXXXXX you.)
posted by Seana on 1-20-2009 at 11:06 pm
The United Collectors of Early Childhood Arts and Crafts.
Bring us your crayon drawings, your popsicle-stick boxes, your masterpiece shoebox dioramas. We’re sure they all have a meaning, and we’d love for you to tell us about it. Immortalize your collection in our secret warehouse full of old refrigerators and kitchen cabinets, ready to display your priceless works of art.
If you have preserved even one finger-paint image from your preschool years, you’re a member. If you have not preserved anything . . . you’re probably in denial.
We meet by the glue-gun display at your local crafts store, every Thursday night before the mobiles are due.
Bring brownies. And perhaps orange slices.
posted by Elizabeth on 1-20-2009 at 11:29 pm
The Secret Society of Spelling Shame
Who’s eligible for membership?
You’re a well-educated, fairly literate, constructive member of society, but you…
Have no idea if it’s “i” before “e” even if it’s after “c”?
Are uncertain if you’ll “lose” or “loose” that game?
Can’t tell if falling in a ditch is “embarasing” or “embarrassing”?
Forgo that luscious fruit because you don’t know if it’s a “pomegranate” or a “pomengranate”?
New member initiation? Standard second-grade spelling test, of which you must score no higher than 50%.
Meeting place? An art gallery or anywhere the written word doesn’t have a strong foothold.
Our mission? To figure out what the heck went wrong with our educational system.
Crudites served…or are they crudités? Sandwiches then…sanwiches? Sanwitches?
Bring your own snacks!
posted by Anna on 1-21-2009 at 12:02 am
An addendum to the Secret Society of Spelling Shame…
Our other mission is the installation of spellcheckers everywhere spelling may be needed and research towards the advancement of spellchecker implants for the incompetent mind.
posted by Anna on 1-21-2009 at 12:04 am
Well, poop.
Seana posted it first. Though I would have spelled it XXXXXXX XXX XXXXXXXX.
TJ
posted by TJ Hooker on 1-21-2009 at 12:28 am
The Phillipe Petit Society is named after the French tightrope walker who illegally walked between the Twin Towers in August of 1976.
Our society is dedicated to flaunting ridiculous laws, and performing beautiful acts of courage and talent to delight others and for our own enjoyment.
You may recognize us at airports. We will try to make it through the metal detectors in robot outfits, or with cucumbers wrapped in aluminum foil down our pants. If one of us is patted down by security, we will return the favor. We are also prone to speaking Arabic to the guards and wearing shirts with Arabic phrases. Though such behavior appears silly, our members have spent years perfecting their Arabic and engineering skills to pull off such feats.
Many of our members are in prison for not paying their income taxes, for they believe too much of their tax money is used to support war, and war is not a beautiful thing. They spend their days in prison entertaining other prisoners by slipping through the bars, eating barbed-wire, and sculpting with their food. Such acts demand rigorous practice and physical control.
If you wish to join our society, tell no one. Perfect the talent you wish to share with the world, find a notorious place to perform, and we will look for you in the news.
posted by Christopher on 1-21-2009 at 12:33 am
I would lead an underground movement whose call is long and painfully unanswered.
Our Society would be known as the order of CHOLA. Canceled Has One ‘L’, America. We would be an army of infiltrated soldiers, educating the masses on the sin, the blight that is CANCELLED. Our missions would involve a lot of WhiteOut, scissors, and of course our own YouTube channel called “Who’s Your CHOLA?”
First order of business? Take care of that apostrophe/comma mess in the acronym.
After we solve the Canceled Epidemic that is ruining everything from national news to airport terminals, we will have peace. We will gather at whatever gallery Anna directs us to. Meetings subject to cancellation (d’oh!)
posted by Johnny Cat on 1-21-2009 at 12:55 am
Of course the name is to secret to speak (or type) but our mission is to unscrew America.
One screw at a time…or nails in the absence of screws and the availability of a hammer.
Soon enough big business will be collapsing, literally, and we will be the victors.
posted by johnny cashmachine on 1-21-2009 at 1:03 am
The Society to End Global Cooling.
This society would be formed to end the less controversial “Global Cooling” panic and stop cold (pun intended) the next great Ice Age, as predicted by the works of French mathematician Joseph Adhemar in 1842, English prodigy Joseph Croll in 1875, and the Czech mathematician Milutin Milankovich in the 1920s and 30s.
Our society would set out to debunk the nonsensical myths perpetrated by Al Gore, if that’s even his real name. We would push for more production of “gas-guzzlers”, and impose strict limitations on the sale of “efficient” vechicles by using our celbrety support and money donated by the big-three automakers, who have to spend that bail-out funding some how, as well as under the table money from the oil-companies.
We will meet in Car Factories and Nuclear Power Plants around the world on a weekly basis, and bi-yearly meet in Ecuador, just in case we’re right that seems the safest place to be.
New members will be initiated by being locked in meat-storage freezers for days, deprived of light and fire, so that they may understand what the world will be like if we fail in our mission. Parka’s will be given freely to all new members. Each member will also receive a $100 pre-paid fuel card for each additional member they bring into the society.
In the event of Ice Age, meetings will be canceled and members will instead be asked to run down the streets yelling “We Told You So!!” Further information available upon request.
NOTICE: Joining our society may result in mocking, shunning by social friends, and decreased invitations to parties. Left-wing Liberal-Wackos need not apply.
posted by Elliott Tolbert on 1-21-2009 at 1:43 am
The Supreme order of Zombies & Unicorns. Ultimate task to prove existence of Zombies and/or Unicorns. New members, invitation only [invites given to all who have seen Big Foot, are related to Bat Boy and were abducted by aliens.] Meetings take place at that field behind the baseball field, you know the one. Also, we have a super secret password and handshake, details at 11.
posted by sarah on 1-21-2009 at 1:46 am
I hereby institute the Most Righteous Order of Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. We are, like those Anonymous upstart wannabe’s, everywhere.
How prevalent are we? Please try and find a web forum that does not contain our initials. We dare you. We are the real legion. The very invocation of our sacred triad of letters initiates a member into our ranks.
We meet every minute of every day, every moment when someone is looking for their keys, sees a man in an orange fur hat walking down the street whistling Whitney Houston’s greatest hits, or comes home to find their roommate passed out on a pile of whipped cream while wearing a spiral notebook as underwear.
Our name will spring to their lips, our true secret password. It is often so revered that it does not even get finished. Here, secretly, I will share it with you as it is usually uttered: What the fu….
We are Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. And you are already one of us.
posted by Don on 1-21-2009 at 2:00 am
The Cheesers are an elite group of college students who become uncontrollably excited on Mac N’ Cheese day in the dining halls. Their mutual love for the cheesy pasta dish binds them together, as much as their hatred for those who prefer the french fries on Mac N’ Cheese day.
Initiates must
-be spotted doing a joyous dance on the way to the dining center
-proclaim their love for the Mac (as we like to call it) openly and unashamedly, preferably with a maximum of superlatives and exclamations.
-NEVER. MISS. MAC.
Meeting times
-Earliest possible Mac dining time. The founding chapter meets every Friday at the dining hall at 11 am.
Our Mission.
-Our mission is to find those worthy of the Mac. We scorn those who leave uneaten cheddar goodness on their plates. We revile those who choose not to enjoy the Mac. Eventually, the Mac will be all ours.
And there is nothing you can do to stop us.
posted by Kieran on 1-21-2009 at 2:12 am
Too many “Sarah’s” so now I am Sarah in CA, haha.
Anyway, I love all of these suggestions, they are too funny!
When do “entries” have to be posted to be considered? Today was a brain-dead day but I want to try to come up with something….
posted by Sarah in CA (formerly just Sarah) on 1-21-2009 at 2:14 am
Emperor Norton’s Kniggits have been given the task of undermining the attempts of The Supreme Order of Zombies and Unicorns to prove their existence. Zombie outbreaks and unicorn gorings have been a regular–and highly classified–occurance since the beginning of the first World War when Franz Ferdinand rose from the dead and attempted to resume his daily duties. The first unicorn goring is less well-documented but presumed to have occurred around the time Bush Sr. took office.
We meet on street corners in our regulation bum attire and pass on secret coded messages under the guise of asking for spare changes. New members must be a survivor of a zombie attack and/or unicorn goring and must not cry during a showing of “Resurrecting The Champ.”
posted by Rachel on 1-21-2009 at 2:16 am
My secret society will be called George W. Bush’s Anachronistic Brotherhood.
Mission: We firmly believe that our (former) President has been given a bum rap by critics and “former members of the middle class” for the choices he made over the past 8 years. Our goal is one of covert historic revisionism to the legacies of his presidency, painting them as successes. The current economic situation will be covered by textbooks: “and fun times were had by all, for there were no jobs to ruin Mondays”, Iraq will be a bastion of democracy (by democracy we mean sand), and many people will henceforth be labeled “terrorists of a sort” (Oprah you’re on notice). It may be difficult to actually rewrite the historic accounts of the past 8 years, but it’s probably a lot easier than fixing the problems the past administration created.
Meeting place/times: consider this your meeting, now go out there and relabel every foreign food with the prefix “freedom-” (starting with freedom pizza and freedom sushi).
Initiates must show a complete disregard for historical facts/evidence or at least drink enough to think this is a swell idea.
posted by terb spitowsky on 1-21-2009 at 4:45 am
The Secret Society of Assassins. I’d tell you more, but, um..I’d have to kill you. Sorry.
posted by Logan on 1-21-2009 at 5:07 am
The Secret Society of Security or S Cubed was supposedly founded by Sgt Schultz. I can’t tell you where we meet, what our mission is or how we initiate new members – because I know nothing absolutely nothing.
posted by Steve Robillard on 1-21-2009 at 5:33 am
‘The Society of The Dancing Penguin’
We meet the first day of every month via Skype because its an international secret society of Kindergarden Teachers.
Initiation is qualified by working with children under 6 on a daily basis. The second phase of initiation is the creation of a Secret Penguin to only be displayed amongst other members and Children. If the Penguin is sufficient, they must then perform the Hokey Pokey in front of everyone BACKWARDS. The ‘Maestre’ (AKA The Board) then decide if he/she is worthy to be a General in… THE ARMY OF THE DANCING PENGUIN.
Our Mission is to secretly train and ready troops at an early age for WORLD DOMINATION by using The Dancing Penguin to teach games in all languages to all children in ‘The Land’ that are secret mechanisms for DOMINATION. The Hokey Pokey itself is our basic training. We use the penguin puppet to demonstrate the Hokey Pokey in a manner that will help us TAKE OVER. You turn the Lightswitch on, you turn the lightswitch off and you run out of the room… you do they hokey pokey and you duck and run for cover… thats what its all about! By brainstorming in our secret society, we can formulate games and songs that illustrate ‘DOMINATION’ disguised as harmless childrens learning fun. We plan the day very carefully. We plan ‘International Kindergarden Day’ where the children are all coordinated to so the same song or game at the same time in the same order to turn all the lights off, cut the power completely, distract ‘The Big People’, and plant ’secret objects of DOMINATION’ around their schools and homes. Then… WE ATTACK!
…and everyone goes home with a Penguin Puppet!
posted by Kate on 1-21-2009 at 5:59 am
Do you really believe that I am disclosing such information?
You’ll hear about us. Soon.
posted by Fabio on 1-21-2009 at 6:34 am
The Secret Society of Brownies. Because really, no one can turn down a brownie! We’d meet in a secret hideout that includes a GIANT oven just for brownie making. New members join by eating 10 brownies in one sitting. Our mission is to spread brownie-deliciousness all over the world.
posted by Linda on 1-21-2009 at 7:36 am
Women Helping Individuals Needing Excitement (WHINE)
Whine will meet at local strip joints. Not the good ones, the seedy ones full of desperation and stale odors.
New members will be recruited by existing members. When a prospective candidate is found she will be introduced to the other members and then voted upon. This will be done without the inductee ever knowing she is being judged.
Our goal will be to fight the doldrums on a weekly basis.
according to my catchpa there are others in New York. We must go on a trip to search for more members!
posted by Lorelei on 1-21-2009 at 7:50 am
If I tell you about my glorious Society, then it wouldn’t be secret anymore. However, should you recieve a ladyslipper tucked in the pages of an almanac then you might become privy to the Society.
posted by Andy on 1-21-2009 at 8:02 am
The National Society to End John Wilks Boothe Jokes. Also known as the NSEJWBJ, which might be harder to say than the former. our goals are simple. to roll our eyes or sigh in an exaggerated manner whenever someone makes a Lincoln assassination joke.
The only requirement is that the joining member is sick of jokes about “Abe’s wife making him go to the theater.”, and to have no problem with ruining whatever moment it’s associated with.
posted by chuck on 1-21-2009 at 9:19 am
Who won the town slogan one?
posted by Liz on 1-21-2009 at 9:23 am
The Secret Society of People Who Secretly Like Things Most People Hate. Yes, the good ol’ SSPWSLTMPH
Examples include but are not limited to:
Lindsay Lohan
Brussels Sprouts
The smell of your own farts
To enter SSPWSLTMPH, you must somehow prove you like all of the above, preferably by eating brussels sprouts off of Lindsay Lohan whilst farting, but everyone’s different. Also, our acronym sounds like a sneeze, and that’s always fun.
posted by Caitlin on 1-21-2009 at 9:47 am
Supposedly, I am creator of a ’so called’ secret society called The Happy Underpants Grabbers, or T.H.U.G.s for short. Our band of T.H.U.G.s roam freely in the hallowed halls of many an academic institution. (And some sporting venues) Yes, we walk among you. The only way you can guess who we are, is by our actions. We randomly approach weaker beings and administer wedgies and atomic wedgies. Be aware! Not asll those who administer wesgies are T.H.U.G.s, but all T.H.U.G.s administer wedgies!!! Mwuah haa haa haa
posted by qt314159265 on 1-21-2009 at 9:49 am
Secret Society of Parents Who Used to Have Brains of Their Own
Are you a smart mom or dad who used to have a brain of your own? Have you ever sat at a preschool soccer game and discussed Einstein’s distaste for Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle or the significance of the US having a service-based economy only to go home and watch The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse for the thousandth time? Even if you’re a parent who actually reads the books for the book club as long as it was NOT recommended by Oprah…we want you.
To join, please leave your name, number and date you received your degree written in Burnt Sienna crayon under the old slide at the park. We will find you.
If you regularly watch Tyra Banks, Judge Joe Brown or soap operas, please do not apply. A minimum of 40 IQ points have been sucked out of your ears and you no longer qualify.
posted by Kendyl on 1-21-2009 at 10:31 am
S.U.C.A.S.
Society to Undermine Clubs and Societies
Our mission is to infiltrate, disrupt and disband all known Clubs and Societies. Our members will be surreptitiously placed based on psychological and physical profiling into clubs and societies where their aptitude will accelerate them to the higest office within the organziation where they can topple it’s infrastructure. We will recruit candidates based strictly on their capacity of useless knowledge and meet all over the world so our location can never be compromised. Once the worlds clubs and societies have been destroyed……….we self destruct.
posted by Randy on 1-21-2009 at 11:10 am
…minutes taken from the meeting on October 19th 1998 of the Coalition of Prussian Nationalists, a small society acting as an allegory for all that is wrong with the world market for Toblerone (RIP DFW).
8:10 Call to order by Madame Undersecretary
8:11 Pleas for silence by Madame Undersecretary
8:12 Bargaining with Thin Mints by Madame Undersecretary
8:13 Threats of violence by Madame Undersecretary
8:14 Realization that the meeting doesn’t start until 9:30 by Madame Undersecretary
8:15 Apologies to all by Madame Undersecretary for her “episode”
9:30 Call to order by Madame Undersecretary
9:31 Recitation of Creed and Pledge of Allegiance to Everything the Coalition Holds Dear and Stands For (too long to be included here)
10:13 Recition of previous minutes by the Official Keeper of the Minutes, a role Martha had won strictly because of a relationship she had had seventeen years ago with the Vice President of Vanilla Affairs and Cowboy Impersonations and not, as most people thought, by merit.
Last Meeting: Discussion of effects salary cap would have on baseball, affirmation that their brainwashing techniques of French teachers are, overall, successful, with obvious exceptions of Mr. Friedman in Tempe, plans to murder said Mr. Friedman, discussed option to annihilate all of Tempe (decision: 53 ay, 96 nay), discussed option to destroy Sedona as to properly use all federal funds rewarded by the Destruction of Arizona Communities grant that has recently been penned and given by the Department of Homeland Security (decision: 44 ay, 19 nay), discussion of what to discuss when their discussions about what they’ve discussed have already been had, aneurism, hot cocoa time, closing of the meeting.
11:39 Realization by the Media Director that Sanford and Son had been on for ten minutes and they had been missing it
11:40 Dismissal
11:48 Old Man Winters whistles his way through the meeting hall, sweeping up the Thin Mint crumbs. “Damn, Prussians,” he says in a very inoffensive, non-racial tone. “Damn Prussians…”
posted by Alex on 1-21-2009 at 11:16 am
The Trivial Society. We’d meet in the Greenville Library. We’d ask people all the trivial things they know. And our purpose would be to spread the word about mental_floss, and Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader.
posted by Sara on 1-21-2009 at 12:17 pm
The Whisperers is a secret society of keeping secrets.
Our meeting place changes to make sure it is kept secret, however the place will be decided on by code: we will change locations based on an alphabetic scheme by building name. The first meeting held at the aquarium, the second at the Baltimore Museum of Art, the third at the car wash, and so on. The next meeting location will be determined at the current meeting. If you miss a meeting you may well never go to another meeting as meeting locations be told, it’s a secret. You can only attend the next meeting if you are taken by a member who knows its location.
Membership initiation will be by sharing (false) secrets with potential members. These secrets will run the gamut from mundane to spectacular and will be the kind that ate hard to keep to oneself. They will then be tracked to ensure the secrets are kept. If they are shown that they can keep secrets over time they will be gradually given more secrets, true and false ones. Once they become full members they will be given the true secrets (and told which were false of the ones given during initiation). Those who tell any secret given, even the most mundane, will be cut off from the society. Rumors will be spread about them to discredit anything they say so as to keep people from believing the secrets they may share.
The Whisperers were formed with a single mission: to keep the secrets of the world. Full members not only get all the juicy info (where the Grail is, what Alexander the Great died of, what happened to the Roanoke Colony, how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop) but are instructed how to keep secrets under extreme duress, including torture. A secondary, but fun, side mission that many members partake in is learning the secrets of other secret societies. They, of course, keep these secret but they are known secrets at that point and there is a certain thrill to knowing that other “secret” societies are no longer so secret.
posted by Paul on 1-21-2009 at 1:07 pm
The Over Compensating Debuggers will send threatening letters to business owners whose signs display poor grammar.
Examples include, but are not limited to:
-Businesses that sell “TV’s” or “RV’s”
-Advertisements that claim they will save you “100’s”
-Waiters who ask if you would like a check but really plan to bring you a bill
-Car lots that want to help you find “you’re” new car
The Over Compensating Debuggers (OCD) will not stop until every comma, apostrophe, and contraction is corrected. Our work is never done.
posted by Adam D. Jones on 1-21-2009 at 1:12 pm
My secret society is the Someheimers. We’re not alzheimers yet but we’re getting there. We forgot to write the bylaws and we sometimes forget to meet but our initiation is pretty easy. You have to recite the alphabet and get at least 15 correct. Our mission is to help all those who can’t remember to feel better about whatever it is they can’t remember. I think…hmmm…I’m not sure…I can’t remember. Oh well.
posted by Sandy in OK on 1-21-2009 at 1:44 pm
The Society of Commiserating Seattle Sports Fans. We meet every Sunday at Quest Field from August through December (never to far into January), then take a few months off, as there is now nothing to do for that time period (Thanks to Oklahoma City) and then approximately 3 times a week from April through September at Safeco Field.
New members must go through a rigorous process of being torn down emotionally by constantly having their high hopes for the upcoming season dashed repeatedly by greedy businessmen (Howard Schultz, Clay Bennett), injuries (Every Seahawks receiver along with about half of everyone else on the team at one point or another), or just plain lackluster play (Seattle Mariners, 2008 Washington Huskies Basketball & Football). It takes a while to hit rock-bottom, but we’re there for you when it happens.
Our mission is to soften the blow for our chuldren and new transplants coming to the area looking for teams to support. It’s kind of like AA in that everyone there sees you at your lowest point and understands when the a–holes at ESPN manage to get your hopes up one more time, only to be dashed within the 1st month of the season (referred to as relapse).
posted by Sean O. on 1-21-2009 at 1:46 pm
Can’t
beLieve
Anyone
Still wears
that jerSey
In
publiC
CLASSIC is a secret society for sports fanatics. Meetings will occur one Sunday every other month in my basement and will consist of watching sports, grilling food and drinking beer. New members will be selected when I spot sports fans at various sporting events wearing awesomely outdated sports jerseys. When I find such a jersey the fan will be given a flyer discretely. The flyer will include all important information, about the time, location, and how to gain access to the next meeting.
New and current members will gain access to the meeting by going to the back door, knocking with the old shave and a haircut cadence. They will then have to give a password which will be the player’s name and team of the jersey they were spotted in. They are also expected to be wearing the jersey to the meeting.
The meeting begins with new members going to the podium and telling the story of how they came to possess such an awesome jersey. New members will be expected to arrive wearing something over the jersey and will unveil for all to see as they take the podium. Following the speech a photo will be taken and the new member will be added to the member wall of fame.
At this point the lazy Sunday will commence. I am the president of said society with my Shawn Kemp Dream Team 2 jersey, and I will be scouring athletic arenas and fields for new members.
posted by Jake on 1-21-2009 at 1:47 pm
“The Supreme order of Zombies & Unicorns. Ultimate task to prove existence of Zombies and/or Unicorns. New members, invitation only [invites given to all who have seen Big Foot, are related to Bat Boy and were abducted by aliens.] Meetings take place at that field behind the baseball field, you know the one. Also, we have a super secret password and handshake, details at 11. ”
this is the best entry hands down!
posted by kat on 1-21-2009 at 2:37 pm
The Society:
The Procrastinators Alliance for the Usurpation of the Sovereignties of the Earth, or P.A.U.S.E. PROCRASTINATORS UNITE! …sometime next week.
P.A.U.S.E. Mission Statement:
The mission of P.A.U.S.E. is simple. Nothing short of complete and utter domination and control of the world! (Muah-ha-ha-ha!) How that is to be accomplished is as yet undecided, it will probably be finalized at the next meeting.
P.A.U.S.E. Recruitment and Initiation:
Whenever we notice a likely recruit, we eventually get around to sending them a solicitation to join the alliance. Those that respond in a timely manner are considered unworthy.
We have not finished drawing up our initiation ceremony, we’ll probably finalize that at our next meeting. It will either involve walking on burning coals or having the new initiate pay for that night’s pizza… or maybe both.
P.A.U.S.E. Meeting Location
P.A.U.S.E. planned on meeting at Steve’s house on Tuesday’s, but that’s the night his family goes to the in-laws for dinner. A quick web search turned up no nearby volcanoes to secretly hide our lair. We’ve decided to inquire with members on other possible meeting sites, once we receive responses we’ll decide on a new location.
posted by Jason! on 1-21-2009 at 3:09 pm
My ss would be called Society for the Preservation of Antiquated Words (SPAW).
We will meet at some local hole in the wall restaurant wuth really good food. We will discuss what antiquated words we wish to reintroduce into the modern vernacular and how to go about the task of doing so. We will get Paris Hilton to use antiquated words in catch phrases “that’s hot” style (even if she doesn’t know what the words mean).
@DON *LOL*
posted by The Queen on 1-21-2009 at 5:39 pm
The Secret Society for People Who Can’t Keep Secrets — “Blabbermouths, UNITE!” — was formed in 2006. And 2007. And 2008. And so on. We don’t stay secret for long, but hey — we’re not the SSPWCKS for nothing!
SSPWCKS’s meeting place: Our meeting place is secret. But we’re sure you’ll find out where it is soon enough. In fact, we guarantee it.
SSPWCKS’s initiation rites: Your standard interrogation, of course. Potential members who hold out on a secret of theirs for the shortest amount of time are accepted for membership. Amateur way of getting things done, maybe, but it provides us with the best of the big mouths out there.
Don’t miss our Open House for new members next week! We’ll be playing a rousing game of “Telephone” (maybe “Broken Telephone” if things get a little crazy!). Veritaserum and polygraph tests administered at the door. LET IT ALL OUT!
…oops. I shouldn’t have told you that.
posted by Rebecca W. on 1-21-2009 at 7:05 pm
The Smelly Duck Club. This club is for those who always happen to be around when the sneaky smelly duck leaves its signs. For those who do not know what a smelly duck is, it is an invisible bird that when it quacks (the quack remarkably sounding like the human fart) it also produces a horrible smell to mark its territory and to drive away unwanted attention. This club aims to bring about smelly duck awarness to the general public. Members meet and recruit new members at smelly duck habitat. The habitat contains the smelly duck’s favorite food refried beans. However because the smelly duck has such a bad reputation, club members must remain secret. So if you happen to smell the smelly duck then you may have be lucky enough to have been dealt an invatation to join the smelly duck club.
posted by Garrett Savory on 1-21-2009 at 10:17 pm
A.L.B.E.R.T.
Association of Large Brained Earthlings Relaying Truths
To become a member, you simply have to get a job working (in any capacity) for mental_floss magazine. (Junior members include any persons who participate in mental_floss.com contests or those persons who leave helpful or entertaining comments on any of the aforementioned website’s blogs.)
Meetings will be held in the building that resembles a giant sculpture of Albert Einstein’s head.
Our mission is to spread as much truth (in all its forms, including, but not limited to- science, art, religion, philosophy, and pop-culture) as we can. Also, to show all people, especially those who may have forgotten, that it is important to “feel smart again”.
posted by Mike on 1-21-2009 at 10:55 pm
the secret society of all you can eat buffets where we will pull our members from all you can eat resturants and all descend upon all you can eat resturants and oliberate thier food supply!
posted by Nicole on 1-22-2009 at 1:33 am