Be Amazing
Be Amazing: Survive the Witness Protection Program
by Be Amazing - March 17, 2009 - 1:00 AM

Whether you’re looking to start your own religion, swallow a sword, quit smoking, find Atlantis, buy the Moon, sink a battleship, perform your own surgeries, or become a ninja, our new book Be Amazing covers all the essential life skills! And because we’ve extended our (amazing) book + t-shirt for under $20 deal through Friday, here’s one more lesson from the book.

YOU WILL NEED:

• Assistance finding housing in your new community
• $60,000 a year in subsistence payments
• 1 reasonable job opportunity
• Identity documents
• Counseling (naturally)

(Don’t worry, all this comes standard with the Witness Protection Program.)

funny-nose.jpgCreated by the Organized Crime Control Act of 1970, the Witness Protection Program does exactly what the movies say—hide witnesses from vengeful thugs by giving them new identities. Since its inception, some 17,000 people have used the program—and no witness who followed the program guidelines has ever been harmed. In that spirit, we’ve provided this helpful list of “don’ts” guaranteed to make any government-funded moving adventure a little more pleasant.

Don’t: HIDE OUT IN ENGLAND

Actually, the chances are pretty slim. To be in the Witness protection program, you have to be, well, under protection, in this case by federal marshals, who don’t travel abroad. Even so, you should take our advice to heart because, unlike America’s federally organized system, Great Britain’s version of the Witness Protection Program is handled by individual police forces—and, apparently, this does not always work out for the best. In 2000, Alan Decabral, a witness to a gangland murder, was shot in a parking lot after living under Kent police protection for less than a year. And another witness, Thomas McCartney, charged police in Northern Ireland with failing to even give him his promised identity papers. Part of the problem is that most British police forces don’t require witnesses to sever ties with former friends—let that be a lesson to you.

Don’t: COMMIT YOUR OWN CRIMES

Seventeen percent of all protected witnesses commit a crime while under protection—including the first one. Joseph “The Animal” Barboza became the first person to use the WPP after testifying against the mafia in 1968. Given the name “Joe Bentley,” he was moved to California where the FBI enrolled him in cooking school. But, in 1971, he ended up on trial for first-degree murder. The trial, and the ensuing conviction, blew Barboza’s cover and he was shot in 1976, shortly after being paroled.

Don’t: INVITE YOUR “OLD FRIENDS” TO VISIT

Life in a new city can be lonely sometimes, but it’s probably best not to call up the old buds you left behind. Unfortunately, Brenda Paz, a 17-year-old witness against a notorious nationwide gang called MS-13, did just that in 2003. According to a 2005 article in Newsweek, Pas was hiding under a new identity in a Minnesota Embassy Suites hotel room when she invited two-carloads worth of MS-13 members to come check out the hotel’s hot tub. Within days, she was dead.

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Comments (11)

  1. I nominate Brenda Paz for a Darwin Award.

    posted by Jenn on 3-17-2009 at 10:13 am

  2. I’m not surprised that so many witnesses also commit crime while in the program. A lot of them were probably involved in the criminal lifestyle that lead to them making the connections that made them valueable as witnesses. I bet folks in the witness protection program aren’t all just folks that ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time once and saw something happen. I’m sure there’s pleny of them that were associated with dregs of society in the first place. Seems unlikely that you’d get a whole lot of valuable info on the mob and gangs and the like unless you were already the kind of a low-life yourself. That kind of loose morals and sketchy behaviors aren’t going to change instantly because you’re in a witness protection program.

    posted by Melissa on 3-17-2009 at 11:18 am

  3. oh my god- how stupid do you have to be to blow your witness protection? esp. by inviting the people who want to kill you to come over and hang out? jeez.
    it’s a little disturbing that england doesn’t hide it’s witnesses very well though. ^_-

    posted by Sue on 3-17-2009 at 12:45 pm

  4. That’s pretty harsh to want to nominate Brenda Paz for a Darwin award. She was 17 – and teenagers are stupid! They don’t always have enough life experience to make smart decisions. Sounds like she got excited. A hotel room with a hot tub– that’s probably the most exciting thing that can happen to a 17 year old.

    posted by its me on 3-17-2009 at 1:03 pm

  5. As a recently graduate of the teenage persuasion (I’m 23), I feel the need to defend those of us who at the very least, know better than to invite our assassins over for a bath. While it is true that many teenagers can be blatantly stupid, my experience has shown that they most often develop into blatantly stupid adults.

    The whole concept of the Darwin Awards is the removal of the lowest common denominator from the gene pool and i will strongly support Ms. Paz for inclusion should her name ever appear on the ballot…if there is a ballot…

    posted by Andrew on 3-17-2009 at 1:51 pm

  6. If they’re giving you $60K a year (probably tax free) you probably don’t need to find much of a job.

    posted by PartiallyDeflected on 3-17-2009 at 3:36 pm

  7. Amazing. I wish “In Plain Sight” would explain the witness protection program better.

    posted by Kate on 3-17-2009 at 3:58 pm

  8. PartiallyDeflected – it’s also tough to find a job because you can’t use your old references.

    posted by Jenn on 3-17-2009 at 4:05 pm

  9. I’m not sure it’s fair to admonish the people who’ve died because they invited old friends to hang out with them after they’ve testified. I’m sure severing all ties with your friends is something that many of us would be hard pressed to do no matter how involved with the criminal world we were. Brenda Paz, who’s 17 years old, most likely had no other friends besides people in MS13. I would even go so far as to say that she could have thought that the people she invited over were more loyal to her rather than loyal to the gang. Calling her an idiot for being lonely or desperately seeking companionship in a time of her personal turmoil is not only insensitive, it makes you seem like a jerk

    posted by NotQuiteFair on 3-17-2009 at 5:49 pm

  10. I was in the witness protection program from 1983-1994, 12yrs old to 23yrs old
    We never received any councling or any type of emotional support. Being a kid and told to lie and that people were out to kill us was tough on a 12yr old. My mom and I dropped out of the program and my step father was moved again, the federal marshalls and the wittness program have not returned my calls or letters, they gave me my old name back with no help in getting my diploma’s changed over and the mental health support I have been asking for. They brought in 500 million on the case my step father testified in back in 1982 so that should be billions in today’s money. They just leave you with no help. I need help if anyone can suggest what I can do. I have no paper trail for my name change and I have developed seizures from the anxiety.

    posted by Keith R on 1-5-2010 at 6:49 pm

  11. Let me tell you from experience that the witness protection program is extremley hard and evry day is a test of your mental state of mind. The federal police in Australia play mind games with you all the time. They swear at you, lie to you and threaten you with physical violence if you question anything they do. You quickly develop depression & aniexty issues though evrytime you plead for assistance in the way of therapy they refuse it. They tell you they expect you to go and get employment under a new identity as they have had people in the past fall back to their old ways and commit crime. What they dont do is give you a new tax file number or any work history or replicate any certificates or qualifications you may have had in the past therefore there is no way anyone can get work.
    THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM IS A SCAM AND BASED ON OUTDATED, OLD FBI PROGRAMS FROM AMERICA. I WONT URGE PEOPLE TO THINK LONG AND HARD BEFORE AGREEING TO BECOME A PARTICIPANT ON THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM.

    posted by John on 3-8-2010 at 1:47 am

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