Ransom Riggs
If Mystery Science Theater Did Movies from the 80s
by Ransom Riggs - May 12, 2009 - 7:04 AM

Mystery Science Theater 3000 raised making fun of crappy movies to a veritable art form — but the show focused on movies from the 50s and 60s, even though plenty of ridiculous films have been made in the last few decades. For every Ed Wood from the 50s there are five Alan Smithees from the 80s, and having lived through those years — and those bad movies — I feel duty-bound to expose some of them here. Enjoy!

The Stuff (1985)

Miners discover an edible, goolike material that has an addictive taste, which is quickly marketed to consumers as a new kind of ice cream. They discover too late, however, that “the Stuff” is alive, and takes over the brains of those who eat it.

Hawk Jones (1986)

An action movie along the lines of Die Hard — but with an all-child cast — makes for one of the most surreal viewing experiences imaginable. Check out this shootout scene between kid cops and a kid robber.

The Old Flaming Shoe Trick (198?)

I don’t know the name of the movie this is excerpted from, but this scene alone more than earns it a place on this list. Via Everything is Terrible.

Blood Beach (1981)

Jaws made the water scary, and Blood Beach tries (but fails) to make the sand scary. People on an LA beach are getting sucked into sand pits by some mysterious creature. What is it, and how can it be stopped? Young, attractive people search for clues as the bodies pile up.

Knights of the city (1986)

They’re a gang. They’re rappers. They’re rapping in jail.

The Neverending Story III (1994)

As a sequel to a classic 80s movie, I’m grandfathering this one in. If you have fond memories of the original and would rather keep them pure and untainted, you might not want to watch this eyeball-searingly bad scene from part III:

Black Terrorist (1985)

An apartheid-era South African movie about a marauding gang of terrorists who rampage their way through a tiny white settlement in the desert, killing and raping willy-nilly. Our friends at Everything is Terrible have created this montage of all the juiciest bits. (“Finally! A movie that portrays a specific race in an incredibly negative light!”)

The Toxic Avenger (1985)

This list wouldn’t be complete without a Troma movie — possibly cinema’s most prolific producer of tasteless, low-budget schlock. One of the crowning achievements of their 200+ title library is The Toxic Avenger, about a nerdy weakling who falls into a vat of radioactive waste and is transformed into a hideous-looking superhero.

Biohazard (1985)

An alien monster uses a psychic to try and take over the world. This worst-of edit, courtesy of Everything is Terrible, contains a teensy bit of NSFW language. Deal with it!

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Comments (20)

  1. Three of the MST3K guys (Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett, and Kevin Murphy) are now doing something similar called RiffTrax (rifftrax.com) — they have downloadable audio tracks that you can play along with a movie that has MST3K-like jokes and commentary. And since they are not violating any copyrights (they provide only the extra audio track, not the movie itself), they can do more current movies than they were able to on MST3K. (Although they do also have video “shorts” that they were able to get the rights to.)

    Anyway, not sure if any of these are in their list, but if you like MST3K you should check it out. (I believe that several other MST alums also have their own new venture where they do put out actual videos…haven’t seen any, though.)

    posted by Tina on 5-12-2009 at 8:19 am

  2. The Neverending Story 3 was one of Jack Black’s first movies. He is listed as “Slip, leader of the Nasties” on IMDb. Something about that title seems to fit Jack Black’s persona.

    posted by Joel on 5-12-2009 at 9:20 am

  3. Try “Never Too Young To Die” starring John Stamos, Vanity, and Gene Simmons as an evil transvestite. (My husband made me watch this… That’s an hour and a half I’ll never get back.) YouTube has the trailer and several scenes… if you dare!

    posted by Debi on 5-12-2009 at 9:23 am

  4. There are actually tons of 80′s movies that MST3k covered. Even a few from the 90′s but these all look like gold mines! I wish Pumaman (he flies like a moron) was on dvd.

    posted by Becca on 5-12-2009 at 9:42 am

  5. Might I recommend “Troll 2″ (www.imdb.com/title/tt0105643/)?
    Often called the worst movie ever made. A new documentary is coming out about the making of this horrible little film called, “Best Worst Movie” (www.bestworstmovie.com/)

    posted by SpaceMonkeyX on 5-12-2009 at 9:44 am

  6. If you prefer Joel to Mike (I do :)), Joel started Cinematic Titanic which includes himself, Trace Beaulieu (Crow/Dr. Forrester), J. ELvis Weinstien (Tom Servo/Gypsy), Mary Jo Pehl (Pearl) & Frank Conniff (TV’s Frank). The original cast!

    They have feature length riffs that are available for purchase on dvd or for download. They have 7 of them out right now. And the MSTies around the worl rejoiced!

    posted by nikki on 5-12-2009 at 9:47 am

  7. J. Elvis Weinstein & world – lest I become an example for the typo blog.

    posted by nikki on 5-12-2009 at 9:52 am

  8. I can’t believe this post didn’t include Ernest Goes to Camp, Deathwish 4, or Night of the Comet… I will hate my older sister forever for her bad movie tastes.

    posted by Kate on 5-12-2009 at 10:14 am

  9. Troll 2! A definite oversight on my part, that definitely should’ve been on here.

    posted by Ransom Riggs on 5-12-2009 at 10:20 am

  10. MST3K did a lot of old stuff, but I believe my favorite epi, Pod People, was from the 80s.

    “I like you, Tommy, I’ll kill you last”

    posted by vegebrarian on 5-12-2009 at 11:09 am

  11. Troma films have a special connection to MST3K. In 1984, before they did “Toxic Avenger”, Troma became the worldwide distributor of a movie called “Blood Hook” — a cheap slasher movie about a serial killer slaughtering fishermen in Wisconsin. It was the directorial debut of Jim Mallon, who, several years later, would be producing “Mystery Science Theater 3000″ (and performing the puppet Gypsy). The music for the film was partly provided by his friend Kevin Murphy, who would also later work on MST3K, as a writer, director, and actor (performing Tom Servo and, during the Sci-Fi years, the hapless ape Bobo).

    posted by Calli Arcale on 5-12-2009 at 11:21 am

  12. I actually saw The Neverending Story 3 at the dollar movie in Odessa, TX. The guy working the counter refused to take my money. I kind of knew him, and he said he felt bad making me pay for a movie that he knew wasn’t worth a buck to see.

    posted by Anthony on 5-12-2009 at 12:47 pm

  13. This entry actually makes me nostalgic for USA Network’s old late night cheesefest, “USA Up All Night,” though without Gilbert Gottfried’s ear-grating narration.
    By the way, could the _floss use another editor?

    posted by Paul on 5-12-2009 at 1:01 pm

  14. The last couple of Comedy Central Seasons featured a few 80′s movies. Also, the SciFi channel seasons had a few: Hobgoblins, Time Chasers? (Cesna is converted into a time machine), a Canadian move starring Raul Julia…

    posted by Carlos on 5-12-2009 at 1:02 pm

  15. Remember, the MST3K gang had to obtain the rights to films, which cost money. Older films are generally cheaper and easier to obtain. This is why so many of the films are so old.

    I want to add to the list of terrible films:

    Shark Attack 3:Megalodon
    In addition to the normal atrocious writing, acting, etc., possibly the worst CGI effects of the modern era and one of the most notorious and sexist pick up lines on YouTube.

    Rock and Roll Nightmare
    A Canadian Hair Band goes to rural farmhouse somewhere near Vancouver to rekindle their artistic spirit and a lot of the get killed in ways not immediately related to their chosen profession. Also, (spoiler) the Devil’s minions are puppets that look like Pepe the Prawn was thrown out onto a muddy road and run over a few times and jelly starfish. Also, Angels were more eye liner than Boy George and use enough hair spray to claim their own private hole in the ozone layer.

    Anything by Uwe Boll. Ever. Although the gun battle in House of the Dead is in a class by itself.

    posted by Kristen on 5-12-2009 at 1:06 pm

  16. After watching the Black Terrorist video, I was wondering where “those bastards” got those hats. What an offensive film! My nominee for an 80′s movie for them to do(as long as Joel does the commentary) would be Top Gun,still one of the most overrated movies of all time.

    posted by bob-o on 5-12-2009 at 1:35 pm

  17. MST3K did at least one movie from the 80s – “Merlin’s Magical Shop of Wonders” (or something along those lines). It was fantastic and should be put at the top of your netflix (or other on-line movie rental company) queue immediately!

    posted by Keeker on 5-12-2009 at 1:59 pm

  18. Ummm… Actually, nearly a third of MST3K’s repetoir came from the 80′s or early 90′s, including most of their funniest episodes:

    Robot Holocaust, Cave Dwellers, Pod People, City Limits, Being from Another Planet, Warrior of the Lost World, Alien from L.A., Outlaw of Gor, Zombie Nightmare, Deathstalkier III, Space Mutiny, Time Chasers, Pumaman, Werewolf, Hobgoblins, Final Sacrifice, Devil Fish, Quest of the Delta Knights, Soultaker, Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders, Future War, Boggy Creek II, and Final Justice

    posted by guvnor on 5-12-2009 at 6:36 pm

  19. There would not be much point in doing an MST3K version of “The Stuff” or “Toxic Avenger”, given that they are both satires to begin with.

    posted by xcentrik debreuklyn on 5-14-2009 at 11:10 pm

  20. Saddest thing about, “Blood Beach” is that the star, David Huffman, was actually murdered in a robbery in San Diego not long afterward. He was also in Ice Castles and St. helen’s…

    posted by helenann on 3-27-2010 at 1:26 am

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