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Our book giveaway jury has convened and rendered a verdict. The winner of our Become Somebody’s Sidekick contest is Grant, who dreams of working beside the Most Interesting Man in the World from the Dos Equis commercials:
“He rides jet skis, is surrounded by beautiful women, has sword fights, frees bears from bear traps, drinks beer on occasion, and lives vicariously through himself. Seriously, who wouldn’t want to live vicariously through themselves? On top of all that, he’s got a wicked awesome beard.”
Grant, I’ll be in touch about your prize. Now on to today’s challenge, which comes from intern Casey Johnston:
“Recast any historical moment you think would have been cooler, better, more exciting, etc. if it had happened differently.”
Winner gets a copy of Lies My Teacher Told Me: Everything Your American History Textbook Got Wrong by James Loewen. Good luck!
Comments (60)
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I think the signing of the Declaration of Independence would have been a lot cooler if The Predator had been there. Because really, everything is cooler with The Predator!
posted by Mitchell on 7-15-2009 at 3:56 pm
If, upon landing on the moon for the first time, Neil Armstrong found out that the moon was, in fact, made out of cheese. “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for cheese lovers.”
posted by John C on 7-15-2009 at 4:15 pm
I think to have Michael Jackson on the first moon expedition to actually go and do the moonwalk on the moon would have been cool. That way we could have at least seen if that’s what the moonwalk actually looks like on the moon.
posted by Colene on 7-15-2009 at 4:20 pm
The Boston Tea Party would have been much better if Bostonites had dressed up, not only as Native Americans, but some police officers, construction workers, cowboys, bikers, and military men.
The Village People would’ve definitely made it The Boston Tea “Party”
posted by Aaron on 7-15-2009 at 4:28 pm
I would want to see Johnnie Cochran represent John Scopes in the Scopes Monkey Trial…
posted by Kristen on 7-15-2009 at 4:29 pm
How cool would it have been if the Yalta Conference had been arranged as the single highest stakes poker game ever?
posted by EMStoveken on 7-15-2009 at 4:30 pm
Gettysberg, 1863. Pickett’s Charge. Phasers.
posted by TheKNiCK on 7-15-2009 at 4:30 pm
I think the Boston Massacre would have been more interesting if it was, you know, actually a massacre. Only four people were killed, so it wasn’t much.
posted by Krista on 7-15-2009 at 4:31 pm
I think Woodstock would have had a much bigger and more powerful message if Miley Cyrus (Hannah Montana) had made an appearance. Even BIGGER riots and fires would have been ignited out of rage, she would most likely have gotten her first taste of LSD for discovering originality and giving the thumbs down to ‘the man’, and Jimi Hendrix would have had one more pretty blond girl to enlighten. Seriously… how many people do you know who’s lives were made worse after listening to Jimi? I think her ‘talent’ could use a little ‘Purple Haze’…
posted by Kate on 7-15-2009 at 4:31 pm
I think the attempt on Andrew Jackson’s life would have been far more interesting if it had been directed by John Woo: the assassin’s guns misfiring in slow-motion plumes of white smoke, the slightly comical look of terror on the assassin’s face as he realizes he doomed . . . . and cue the wind machine as an enraged Jackson charges, cane in hand his long coat billowing like a cape behind him as doves inexplicably take flight.
posted by EMStoveken on 7-15-2009 at 4:33 pm
I think the Garfield administration will be a lot more interesting when we find out that James A. Garfield was actually Burt Reynolds from 15 years in the future and with a time machine!
The sad thing is, he goes in knowing that he is going be be called by Charles Guiteau, but he goes back anyway to keep history preserved.
GOD BLESS YOU BURT REYNOLDS! (And Burt, I voted for you in the tournament of geniuses! (And Jason/Magnesh, I only voted once!))
posted by Witty Nickname on 7-15-2009 at 4:38 pm
I often wonder what would have happened if the Native Americans would have either won against the white men or simply been left in peace. What would the world be like today if they still owned all their land and we were the ones who lived in the spaces in between. What would American culture/religion be like today?
posted by kt on 7-15-2009 at 4:42 pm
I’d want to see Rainer Wolfcastle recast into pretty much every situation. I just have a feeling that the British would have caved earlier if instead of the Salt March, Gandhi beat the salt tax by utilizing the tears of the battered and bloody. “Viceroy Lord Irwin, remember when I said I’d eat you last? I lied.”
posted by Nick on 7-15-2009 at 4:47 pm
The defense of the Alamo… only with the defenders being armed with automatic weapons and anti-tank weaponry.
Seriously, I do wonder about what would have happened if the Alamo hadn’t fallen to the Mexican Army. Would the Republic of Texas be established much sooner? Would Davy Crockett, Jim Bowie, and the other Alamo defenders establish the republic’s constitution or be relegated to the dustbin of history?
posted by Steve from San Diego on 7-15-2009 at 4:58 pm
i think that the birth of Jesus would have been more exciting if a year down the road, the Romans caught wind of the birth, Brought Mary to an Amphitheater, and had Joseph and God backstage. Each one of them came out and all were told, by paternity test, that there is a father and who the father was. then they threw their pillar chairs and went at each other for the amusement of the crowd.
posted by Steven on 7-15-2009 at 5:04 pm
The Boston Tea Party–what was the use of throwing it into the ocean? I mean, who wants to have salty tea? They should’ve gone with a lake…or even a fountain, if they didn’t want to go too far away. After they’d done their protesting, everyone could have sat down to have some tea, and I mean everyone. Who knows, the Revolutionary War could’ve ended peacefully.
posted by Jen on 7-15-2009 at 5:08 pm
If, because of the closeness of Bush v. Gore, both candidates were instead forced to compete for the presidency in a Japanese styled game show, ending with (assuming neither candidate is killed during the game show) a fight to the death. All televised.
posted by Evan on 7-15-2009 at 5:26 pm
On Oct. 7, 1959, the Soviet craft Luna 3 took and transmitted to Earth the first photos of the far side of the moon, most of which is permanently invisible from Earth.
What if we had looked at those pictures, and found signs of someone else having been there at one time, but now gone (e.g. structures, left-behind objects, signs of large-scale \landscaping\, etc)?
posted by Greg on 7-15-2009 at 5:27 pm
What if Pangea still existed? Would we all be speaking the same language? Would we travel to different countries, would there be different countries? Would we discover different lands…would they be called different lands or maybe just ‘more land’?
posted by James on 7-15-2009 at 5:31 pm
There’s so many moments that would’ve been made more interesting, to say the least, if they happened in the Web 2.0 era. I’d have loved to have seen the online reaction (blog, twitter) to The Emancipation Proclamation.
I’m not saying it would’ve been entirely pretty, but it’d be something to see.
posted by Seth on 7-15-2009 at 5:34 pm
I think it would’ve been pretty cool if just before the election of Arnold Schwartzenegger, voters in Cal-ee-for-nee-ya were required to watch “Junior” in an attempt to make sure they were fully informed.
posted by Sean O. on 7-15-2009 at 5:58 pm
In high school, I sat through a history lecture on World War II in which my teacher referred to Adolf Hitler as “Little Adolf” and Benito Mussolini as “Little Benny.” It made them sound like a couple of kindergardeners playing war in a sandbox.
What if, in an effort to make themselves seem more endearing, they really did go by Little Adolf and Little Benny? It would certainly have made their rise to power a lot more confusing. Who in their right mind would let someone with “little” in their title be in charge?
posted by Kaitie on 7-15-2009 at 5:58 pm
Boston Tea Party. There are so many cooler things they could have thrown overboard than tea.
Like that gas stuff from Batman Begins that makes people hallucinate when mixed with water. I would love to see people in red coats tripping out trying to load their muskets while their watching it melt in their own hands.
posted by NateJ on 7-15-2009 at 5:59 pm
If, when George W. Bush tried to convince us all that there was a legit reason to start a war with Iraq, every reasonable person in the world called the President on his lies. Not lies my teacher told me, but lies my President told me.
posted by Dan on 7-15-2009 at 6:01 pm
This one may seem a little plebian compared to paternity tests for deities, but as a history teacher myself (and one hopefully not in the habit of lying) I’d have to say I’d like to have seen what would have happened had Robert Kennedy not been assassinated and therefore had survived to win the 1968 presidential election. Then perhaps the activism of the 1960s wouldn’t have dissolved into the bleak despair of the 1970s along with its concomitant rise of conservatism. Plus, no Nixon!
posted by treewithlights on 7-15-2009 at 6:18 pm
How cool would Appotmattox have been if, instead of their ceremonial sabres, Generals U.S. Grant and R.E. Lee had lightsabers? It’s a fight to the death, with the winning general accepting the other’s “Unconditional Surrender”!
posted by Jonathan on 7-15-2009 at 6:18 pm
Germany during World War II. It would have been better for a lot of people if the Jews got fed up with Hitler first and moved off to begin their own Utopian communities.
Instead of visiting horribly, sad places like Auschwitz today, we could be visiting the Jewish Utopian park.
posted by Monica on 7-15-2009 at 6:55 pm
September 11, 2001 would have been a lot better if Paul Newman and Steve McQueen had been in the towering infernos and had used the water tanks on the roof to extinguish the fire.
posted by Aurora on 7-15-2009 at 8:05 pm
If the head of the Office of Emergency Management – Mike Roark (Tommy Lee Jones in 1997’s VOLCANO) – had been at Pompeii/Mount Vesuvius in AD 79, his idea to block the flow of lava by blowing something up could have saved the lives of 10,000 to 25,000 people.
The reporters would all quote Roark/Jones’s assessment of the situation: ”Man, what a bleeping pain in the ASH!’
posted by Amy on 7-15-2009 at 8:34 pm
We all know about the tragedy of the Holocaust. But I think we must ask ourselves a very important question: where the heck was Doris Day during all this? Had she got her hands on Auschwitz, let me tell you: things would have turned out differently.
posted by Allison on 7-15-2009 at 8:48 pm
The 5th of November 1605. Replace Guy Fawkes with Michael Bay. ‘Nuff said.
posted by Hannah on 7-15-2009 at 9:05 pm
The sinking of the Maine and a look at the reaction from the public, but with Muppets. Everything is better when you recast with Muppets, especially with the musical numbers.
posted by Jess on 7-15-2009 at 9:37 pm
You know what Washington crossing the Delaware was missing? JAWS. “Duhhhh duh. Duhhhh duh. Duhhhh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh.”
posted by Rebecca on 7-15-2009 at 9:53 pm
What if Monica Lewinsky had actually been hot? Would we have looked at Clinton and said, “Way to go!” instead of “ewwwww…..”?
posted by Ryan on 7-16-2009 at 12:33 am
What if the “Big Bang” theory of the creation of the universe was the “Big Phhhttttt”.
posted by mike on 7-16-2009 at 1:00 am
Imagine if Xenu chose to embrace us instead of putting the souls in a volcano. We could be living in space!
posted by Kyle on 7-16-2009 at 1:51 am
I always wondered how the western world and the middle east would have turned out if the books voted into the Bible at the Council of Nicea had been different ones. Can you imagine an early Church which straddled three continents and believed in equality of the sexes? Some of the earliest bishops were women…
posted by JP on 7-16-2009 at 2:13 am
In fact, if I remember correctly, one of the actual Popes delivered a child during a procession…her own. Talk about cross-dressing!
posted by JP on 7-16-2009 at 2:15 am
Ok, simple one, if we are to take the aeneid as history– say Romulus had stayed with Dido in Carthage, and THAT became the seat of western culture, in Africa. He’d have angered the gods, sure, but they weren’t real anyway, and chances are things would’ve ended pretty differently for everybody. Maybe then everyone would be too hot to plot a hit on Caesar, and Europe would be heathenish for alot longer. Sounds like fun tourism to me.
posted by Ben on 7-16-2009 at 3:24 am
President Clinton married to Debbie Harry and main mistress Ann Wilson from Heart. Imagine THOSE sax parties!
posted by BBB on 7-16-2009 at 7:29 am
If the Freaky Links civil war Pterodactyl actually existed and became the best wartime beast of burden ever.
posted by Kenneth on 7-16-2009 at 7:59 am
I think the Spanish Inquisitions would have been cooler if they were more like Mel Brooks’ version. What could be more interesting than people in stockades while nuns are synchronized swimming. \The inquisition. What a show\
posted by Tobias on 7-16-2009 at 8:19 am
If Babe Ruth, instead of calling his shot and pointing to where the homerun was going to go, had adjusted his crotch and the pitcher actually hit him with the pitch there. There would probably not be any more of ball players doing that at the plate.
posted by Dave on 7-16-2009 at 8:56 am
What if the Crusades never took place, and the Catholic church did not rise to power? We would all be sun worshipers or pagens. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
posted by KathyC on 7-16-2009 at 9:48 am
What if the black plague gave people super powers, kind of like the mutants in X-Men? Instead of wiping out a third of Europe’s population, we would have folks flying around with heat vision. Sounds pretty cool to me.
posted by Bert on 7-16-2009 at 10:13 am
April 14, 1865. Our American Cousin is played out on the stage of Ford’s Theatre. The hammer is pulled on a Philadelphia Deringer. “Sic semper tyrannis!” As the head topples from the Lincoln mannequin, the would-be assassin feels the double-barrel of a shotgun at the nape of his neck — and the peerless voice of one Jack Bauer. “That’s right, Boothy. You betrayed me too — I’m just better at it than you.”
posted by Pat on 7-16-2009 at 10:58 am
When Columbus reached the “new world” if he’d been more horny than greedy or aggressive and instead of claiming dominion over the native peoples he would have tried to get into their loin cloths or whatever – if he’d just become a playa instead of ever going back to Spain with tales of gold.
posted by Erica on 7-16-2009 at 11:00 am
What if Bill Gates hadn’t dropped out of school and decided to change his major to French Poetry? Technology still would have advanced in many ways, but what would become of desk jockies like me? Would we be so dependant on instant information and the internet? Would we even have cell phones glued to our ears constantly? Would our children have to actually go to the library to do their research homework? Oh, the humanity.
posted by CBM on 7-16-2009 at 11:12 am
…and on the 7th day, he decided to forget the whole thing and go fishing.
posted by Wayne on 7-16-2009 at 11:37 am
I’d like to Sam Jackson take the place of famous African Americans throughout history.
As MLK: “I have a dream muthaf***a!”
As Nat Turner: “Yes they deserved to die an I hope they burn in hell!”
As Cripus Attucks: “I’ve had it with these muthafu**in Redcoats on this muthafu**in lane!”
As George Washington Carver: “That is one tasty peanut.”
I could go on, but you get the picture. Sam Jackson makes great things even better… muthafu**a.
posted by grant on 7-16-2009 at 1:08 pm
I think it would’ve been more interesting if during the “I have a dream” speech if MLK had hired a mime to act out the different parts of his speech. Perhaps more white folks would have listened and learned from a more theatrical presentation.
posted by Lindy on 7-16-2009 at 2:13 pm
I think if the Battan Death March had been more like a Battan Death Conga Line, it would have been way different.
posted by Mitchell on 7-16-2009 at 2:27 pm
I definitely have to go with the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Having produced the document in the summertime, (DC being a particularly miserable locale during the summer), I think the founding fathers could’ve made the event much more memorable by concurrently holding a cook-out. I mean imagine, all the forefathers jamming to their favorite folk tunes of the era with their favorite ales in hand–what better way to rebel against the shackles of elitist English empirical society?
posted by Nico on 7-16-2009 at 2:29 pm
Seriously folks…let’s do away with the Dark Ages. Embrace The technological advances of the more enlightened civilizations, be free of such deseases as cancer and AIDS, oh, and we’d all be serving on Star-Ships by the year 2000.
posted by Zack R on 7-16-2009 at 2:46 pm
Listen my children and you shall hear
of the midnight ride of Kermit the Frog on his bicycle.
posted by Dave on 7-16-2009 at 3:19 pm
Listen my children and you shall hear
of the midnight ride of Kermit the Frog (on his bicycle) …the lovers, the dreamers and the red coats are coming!
posted by Dave on 7-16-2009 at 3:21 pm
If Napolean had not surrendered and instead had won at Waterloo, there would be many, many, more French people throughout the world and Jerry Lewis would have been SO popular!
posted by Dave on 7-16-2009 at 3:23 pm
Nico – The Declaration of Independence was signed by members of the First Continental Congress in Philadelphia, not DC. A cook out would no doubt be in order there as well.
posted by Sean O. on 7-16-2009 at 3:36 pm
Scratch that, the 2nd Continental Congress. Still in Philly though.
posted by Sean O. on 7-16-2009 at 3:41 pm
When they tried to assasinate Hitler with a bomb in a suitcase, almost everyone ded except for Hitler.
Now, if the assasin had only scooted the bomb a few more inches, so many things would have been prevented.
posted by Alan on 7-16-2009 at 7:07 pm