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As long as the 99¢ Only Store continues to restock its shelves with bizarre merchandise, this post will continue to be a once-a-year feature. If you missed last year’s, take a stroll over here. However, this year’s finds are far superior and far more bizarre.
Take, for example, exhibit A)
While this might seem like a normal doll + accessories set, the sort of doll that gets washed up on the beach in Miami, that you avoid like a Man o’ War, take a look closely at the translated copy on the front of the package:
Forget for a moment the grammar and sentence construction — what on earth is this kind of copy doing on the front of the package? Isn’t it the pitch the toy company uses in their collateral when they’re trying to get distributors to sell the stuff?
On to exhibit B. I just couldn’t help but smile that they were calling this a nuisance mask. Beyond that, take a close look at the copy:
It reads: “Protects against non toxic shop & household dusts, powders and initanst.” After a few minutes of pondering, I decided initanst must be irritants, with some substitution and rearranging. What do you guys think???
Okay, here’s exhibit C. I actually had to research this online because I couldn’t get a feel for how this worked just by looking at the package. So the basic idea, as I gather now, is that you put the plastic fangs in your mouth, and then the candy, which starts to foam. The effect must be something like saliva coming from the vampire’s mouth. Here’s the copy I found online, btw: “Yummy tart powder candy that literally makes you foath (sic) at the mouth!”
Exhibit D is just so off, I can’t believe it. What brilliant marketing mavens thought this up? Iron Man Bubble Bath? Are you serious? Wha???
Exhibit E is beyond me, too. I’ve seen plenty of lollipups for real, actual dogs, but for kids? Not sure why kids want lollipops shaped like dog biscuits, but there you go.
Exhibit F is alarming. Never mind that it’s just strange to want an eyeball in a superball, scroll down to the next picture and dig the warning label on the package (yes, this is a toy for kids).
The warning on exhibit G made me laugh out loud. What do you suppose the good folks at Laser Pet Toy have against students?
What about you all? What’s the most unusual thing you’ve found at the discount store near you?
Comments (39)
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To be fair, the lollipops aren’t shaped like dog biscuits; dog biscuits and the lollipops are both shaped like bones.
posted by Jonathan Harford on 8-20-2009 at 9:53 am
AFAIK, “nuisance mask” is actually the correct term for a dust mask that’s not NIOSH approved for filtration of more toxic stuff. Can’t tell you what “initanst” are, though.
And the eyeball thing, all I can think is “do not taunt happy fun ball…”
posted by Jeremy on 8-20-2009 at 10:13 am
Shortly after 9/11, when everybody was on a patriotism tear, I spotted a boxcutter that was in red, white and blue packaging and called “The Patriot”. I thought this was really in bad taste as box-cutters were what the hijackers used.
posted by harold on 8-20-2009 at 10:29 am
Just putting it out there, that whole doll/accessory set for .99 cents is an amazing deal. As long as you don’t put her in your mouth/wash your hands after playing with her, it should be fine. :)
And how many rabid vampires are there out there?
posted by OkieMelissa on 8-20-2009 at 10:49 am
I suspect that “initanst” should have been irritants
It should be noted that my Captcha is “product-safe brigades”
posted by Ryan on 8-20-2009 at 10:51 am
i am thinking that the “laser pet toy” is being marked by the manufacturer because they are banned in most schools. so to not be sued by teachers, i suppose, they put it on the front of the package. funny either way you slice it.
posted by me on 8-20-2009 at 10:52 am
I have a bouncy eyeball-ball, although it has no batteries inside it. Instead, when you squeeze it, it makes squishy sounds (there’s some kind of liquid in it, so it looks like the eye’s all bloodshot). Got it while in line at the Terminator ride at Universal Studios.
posted by Dan on 8-20-2009 at 10:54 am
The packaging on exhibit A reads like a mission statement.
posted by Rachel on 8-20-2009 at 11:02 am
At our local Dollar Tree, I once found an old DVD of a made-for-tv movie from the 80’s featuring David Hasslehoff. The name escapes me though.
posted by Vanessa on 8-20-2009 at 11:26 am
If you have ever been on a field trip with students who thought it would be a good idea to buy laser pointers at a souvenir shop, you will understand why the specifically call out the students when they indicate it is “not intended for sale to … students.” Nothing like a bunch of 8th grade boys with a new toy.
posted by Hyacinth on 8-20-2009 at 11:33 am
my fav bizzare find was not at the 99cent store, but it was 99 cents- Testamints- square mints that had crosses cut into them. Cause you know Jesus only forgives those with heavenly fresh breath. they still sell them at hobby lobby
posted by Dayna on 8-20-2009 at 11:34 am
David,
I’m not being mean, but tone doesn’t come across in written word at times but….
Do you have kids??!! My 3 yr old LOVES the new Iron Man on NICK. If he saw that bubble bath, I’d be .99 poorer for sure. That is marketing genius.
posted by TXCherokee on 8-20-2009 at 11:36 am
@ Jeremy… “If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head”…LOL!
posted by Helenann on 8-20-2009 at 11:40 am
Although it is probably supposed to be “irritants”, I prefer to assume they mean “innocents.”
posted by kp on 8-20-2009 at 12:32 pm
In Exhibit A, they forgot the “n” in “consuming”.
Kind of ruins the “high quality” effect.
posted by Tdl on 8-20-2009 at 12:37 pm
I once bought a Virgin Mary nightlight at my local Dollar Tree. I wrapped it and left it, unmarked, under my friend’s Christmas tree one year. I followed it up the next year with the Jesus Soap-on-a rope (”Cleanliness is next to godliness!”)
On Exhibit B, I thought initanst meant inhalants.
posted by tpal on 8-20-2009 at 12:59 pm
After reading the warning on the bouncing eyeball, didn’t anyone else think of the “Happy Fun Ball” skit from SNL in the 90’s?
posted by matthew on 8-20-2009 at 1:48 pm
My daughter would *love* that Iron Man Bubble Bath. When I was a kid, I had Yoda bubble bath. The bottle had a Yoda head on it. Seriously. Also came in other characters, such as Princess Leia (which kinda makes sense for bubble bath, being girlie and all), Chewbacca, C-3PO, and Darth Vader, IIRC.
posted by Calli Arcale on 8-20-2009 at 2:06 pm
Inhalents? Either way, wtf?
posted by Jour on 8-20-2009 at 2:19 pm
In relation to Jeremy’s comment, I wouldn’t trust anything without an N rating on it. Furthermore, I wouldn’t bother buying anything without an N95 rating on it. (N95 meaning it blocks 95% of all particals that are .3 microns or larger in size)
I think the dollar store is the last place i would fish around for a respirator.
posted by Steven on 8-20-2009 at 2:25 pm
@everyone
some of these comments made me laugh harder than the actual products. thanks!
posted by David K. Israel on 8-20-2009 at 2:31 pm
Hey David, you’ll like this one. At the 99 cent store by my house they have pregnancy tests (for 99 cents) at the checkout with the impulse buy items. You know because someone could forget they needed one of those…ha
posted by Jodie on 8-20-2009 at 3:11 pm
re: bubble bath
Be glad that was at the 99 cent store, my son -made me- buy “Cars” bubble bath for $5 at the Target Boutique.
posted by Stephen on 8-20-2009 at 3:12 pm
I got my sister some Yoda bubble bath one year for Christmas. Don’t remember where I got it. Once at the dollar store,(Either Dollar Tree or General Dollar) I saw a cheerleader Tammi. I pressed the hand and it said : “Cookies, cookies, cookies and cream, what’s wrong with the other team? Nothing, nothing nothing at all. They just can’t play ball.” A little too mean spirited for a doll, I think.
posted by Sara in AL on 8-20-2009 at 4:24 pm
You beat me to it Jeremy. I love that SNL commercial!
posted by Stacy on 8-20-2009 at 4:28 pm
My niece was playing with a flashing eyeball toy and it popped and squirted slimy goo all over her. I still have to laugh out loud when I see one in the store. Also, one year my co-workers bought we a bottle of Wolverine bubble bath, knowing I am an X Man fan. Nothing like a guy with blades on his knuckles to inspire a relaxing bath!
posted by Dixie on 8-20-2009 at 5:18 pm
“Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball”
posted by will on 8-20-2009 at 7:39 pm
Are the Lolli-Pups made with real puppy, or artificial puppy essence?
posted by Rusty on 8-20-2009 at 7:52 pm
I clearly remember my Miss Piggy bubble bath. It made fantastic “hats”.
posted by Jo on 8-21-2009 at 1:42 am
I once bought a pack of toys for my boys and it has the following text on its ‘Warning’ label (I’m typing the words AS WRITTEN ON THE LABEL):
“The small parts pleases not the entrance pleasing accept the packing gum bag good, avoiding the infant plays to cause the asphyxiation. Is not suitable for 3 years old or below child.”
HUH?? Is that even English? (at least they spelled ‘asphyxiation’ correctly)
And what toys warrant such incorrigible warning? It was simply a set of plastic beach toys (bucket, shovel, rake, sieve, molds, etc. the ones kids use to build sand sculptures). Yeah.
posted by Tessa on 8-21-2009 at 3:09 am
Oh, one more thing: as a mom of two young boys… yes, that ‘Iron Man Bubble Bath’ would probably send my kids begging for it!
That’s why I do most of my grocery shopping WITHOUT them :). Those marketers are (evil) geniuses when designing products for kids.
posted by Tessa on 8-21-2009 at 3:18 am
The warning on the eyeball makes it sound like you will never get rid of it. You can’t burn it, bury it, or throw it away. That’s all I need to keep me up at night, a big squishy eyeball steering at me. Eek1
posted by Niki Joe on 8-21-2009 at 6:27 am
My little girl would love the doggie bone suckers. She pretends to be a dog at times. There is also another candy that is pretty much like cocoa puffs in a little doggy bowl.
posted by Nemo on 8-22-2009 at 1:35 am
At my local dollar store, stacked right next to eacmh other were 99 cent pregnancy test and vinegar scented douche bags
posted by Matt kibel on 8-22-2009 at 5:22 pm
What concerned me the most about the eye ball is that is says it contains mercury and must be disposed of as toxic waste. DO you really want your kids playing with that?
posted by Krystle on 8-23-2009 at 12:23 am
At my local Dollar Tree while I perused the coloring books (they’re GREAT to have for long road trips even if you’re my age which is 21 :D) i came across one called “Extreme Bible Stories.” I hd to take a picture of it because it was ridiculous!!
:o)
posted by Lindsey on 8-23-2009 at 8:16 pm
Not sure if an electronic translator or the CEO’s son-in-law is in charge of translations sometimes, at a Chinese hotel I stayed in there was complimentary “nal folish pehoyer” in case your folish was chipped and you wanted to pehoy it?!
posted by J.Mo on 8-24-2009 at 4:38 am
The absolute BEST I found–and I gave it as a gag gift–was from China, of course, an anthropomorphic ear of corn made of ceramic or stone with big cartoonish hands and feet. I think it vibrated or danced or something too.
posted by Jeff in Mpls on 8-24-2009 at 5:10 pm
The dollar store used to be so much better. You could treasure hunt and find stuff that was originally way more than a dollar. I found an nhl hat once.
Now its all stuff made for the dollar store that is only worth a dollar. Bring back the treasure hunt aspect!
posted by SB on 8-25-2009 at 7:56 pm