Chris Higgins
Attention, People of Earth
by Chris Higgins - September 21, 2009 - 1:29 PM

Rift in space timeThe New Yorker brings us an important message from extraterrestrials, translated by writer Paul Simms. I’m just gonna start this dialog by emphasizing that everything’s cool. They just want to, you know, check out our planet and hang out. There are some details and stuff to work out, but nobody’s gonna get eaten by huge laser-wielding death monsters. The message begins (emphasis added):

We are on our way to your planet. We will be there shortly. But in this, our first contact with you, our “headline” is: We do not want your gravel.

We are coming to Earth, first of all, just to see if we can actually do it. Second, we hope to learn about you and your culture(s). Third–if we end up having some free time–we wouldn’t mind taking a firsthand look at your almost ridiculously bountiful stores of gravel. But all we want to do is look.

Personally, I welcome our new gravel-interested (but not TOO interested) overlords. As they continue, “[A]s far as protocol goes, we’re a pretty informal species. If you want to put together a welcoming ceremony with all your kings and queens and Presidents and Prime Ministers and leading gravel-owners, that’s fine. But please don’t feel like you have to.” So it’s cool. Read the rest and keep close hold of your precious gravel, people.

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Comments (10)

  1. That was great. Thanks!

    posted by Nerak on 9-21-2009 at 2:50 pm

  2. Oh this is pretty good, thanks!

    posted by Starla on 9-21-2009 at 3:02 pm

  3. that was fantastic

    posted by war tiger on 9-21-2009 at 3:50 pm

  4. Funny stuff, thanks!

    posted by Steve from San Diego on 9-21-2009 at 3:51 pm

  5. I’m throwing away all my gravel. Who are the major gravel owners?

    posted by David on 9-21-2009 at 6:30 pm

  6. Fellowcommenters – do not respond to David’s question. I believe he is one of Them.

    posted by Chris Higgins on 9-21-2009 at 6:54 pm

  7. Just watched the old movie Independence Day last night. They were not satisfied just looking at our gravel.

    posted by Stew on 9-22-2009 at 12:24 pm

  8. The “old movie” Independence Day? I’m surprised I don’t hear my joints creak if that qualifies as old…….

    posted by Kate on 9-22-2009 at 1:27 pm

  9. i am so glad that they have promised not to take any of our gravel. It was the first thing that came to my mind

    posted by ee the c on 9-22-2009 at 1:29 pm

  10. okay i never get a good recaptcha but this is very fitting

    Recaptcha: or rubble

    love it !!!!

    posted by lindseyu on 9-22-2009 at 5:43 pm

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