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How To: Be An Astronaut
by Maggie - January 16, 2007 - 1:37 PM

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Take Your Aspirin
Here’s the secret they don’t tell you about space travel: It hurts. Spacesickness is common, particularly for first-timers and anybody who launches into a bunch of fancy spins or soaring across the station before they’ve had time to get acclimatized. And trust us, hurling in zero-G is no fun. Worse, the effects of weightlessness can really do a number on your body. One symptom is lower back pain, caused by your spine stretching as the fluid within it floats. You get taller, but you also get achier. Headaches are another major issue. Without gravity, it’s harder for your heart to do its job. Blood pressure drops and your blood doesn’t reach your feet as reliably. Instead, it flows to your head, turning your face puffy and red and giving you a headache, just as if you’d been hanging upside down on the monkeybars.

Embrace Grubbiness
Hygiene is, shall we say, “difficult” in zero gravity. Baths are a laugh and showers non-existent—the water would just ball up and float away. Instead, each person on the International Space Station is rationed one pre-moistened wet towel, a couple of dry towels, and several wet-wipes each day. These invaluable supplies are used to give yourself what basically amounts to a sponge bath. As for hair, well, there’s a reason most astronauts keep their locks short. Space shampoo is dry and rinsing it out of your hair means carefully gathering a ball of floating water around your head inside a plastic bag.

Drink Your Friend’s Sweat
Water is a precious commodity on the International Space Station and every drop is recycled via the Station’s water conduction unit. And when we say every drop, we mean “every” drop. When astronauts are done exercising each day, they leave their damp towels to float around the station, where the sweat can evaporate, be collected by the conduction unit, and turned into drinking water.

Learn A New Language
With missions stretching as long as six months at a time, astronauts on the International Space Station learn a lot about each other, including how to speak in their partners’ native language. In fact, most veteran American astronauts can speak Russian and most veteran cosmonauts can speak English.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
That’s the official NASA stance on whether anyone’s ever had sex in space. We may never know for certain whether astronauts and/or their international peers are hooking it up up there, but we do know that, if they were, it would come with some less-than-sexy challenges. For one thing, there’s no natural convection in zero gravity, so any heat you work up stays with you. At the same time, however, you also tend to sweat more in zero G, making outer space sex both hotter and wetter than that on Earth—and not in a good way. Another problem is that, in zero G, you naturally push away from anything you touch. That means anybody wanting to have sex in space would probably need to be strapped down and strapped together. Oh, and that drop in blood pressure we already mentioned? That would have dire effects on male “egos” galaxy wide.

Enjoy a Drink, If You Are Russian
Alcohol—in small, non-mission-threatening quantities—was always welcome in the old Soviet space station Mir (natch). But, when the Ruskies joined the crew of the International Space Station they found that American prudery reigned supreme over the heavens. From it’s opening in 2000, the ISS was, officially, dry. This sort of thing was not acceptable to the cosmonauts and in January of 2006, they managed to talk Russian mission control into changing their rules. Good cognac—to be drunk by the thimbleful, as alcohol packs a bigger wallop in zero-G—returned to Russian supply kits, to, we presume, great fanfare. Americans, however, had no such luck. Officially, they’re supposed to just watch in jealous sobriety when their Russian pals break out the drink.

Comments (7)
  1. I am betting that a few things in addition to sweat are recycled for drinking water, things you just do not want to think about and NASA does not talk about. Waste not, want not? Would it not be grand to have a transmutation system, break down ANYTHING and turn it into something else? Convert yesterdsy’s Big Mac into a T-bone steak and baked potato?
    Salad on the side? A totally new meaning to,”Eat s***”. All you would really need to take on a five year flight into deep space would be hydrogen, oxygen, nitrogen, carbon and a few trace elements? Mnimal loss from space traveler’s bodies absorbing elements, might even go so far as to convert one element into another by adding or removing subatomic particles.
    Today’s science fiction is next Monday’s real life?

  2. Even more! It might take me days if not weeks to find the exact story and author in my library but there was/is a story by a SiFi writer a couple decades ago of an earth colony on a planet in a galaxy far, far, away where convicted criminals in the subclass were “taken apart” to satisfy the transplant needs of the ruling class. Much abused indeed, if a member of the ruling class needed an new something or the other a subclass might be taken apart. Then NEWS FROM EARTH, a way to grow body parts and pieces. Stem cells?

  3. That book was called “A Gift from Earth”

    My favorite dialogue from the book:

    “We could get killed.”
    “If we get killed, I’ll apologize.”
    “No! You apologize now.”
    “Okay, I’m sorry for getting us killed.”
    “Thanks. Let’s go.”

  4. Hi Maggie! I actually cut debate evidence once that described why we could never survive (well, procreate) in space… much detail about problems with “docking” and “rendezvous.” Eeesh.

    I still want to be an astro-nut.

    I am printing this out and posting it above my desk. Good times!

  5. ANOTHER FORGOTTEN SUBJECT ABOUT SEX IN SPACE…ARE THERE ANY OF THOSE JAMES BONDISH HIDDEN CAMERAS THAT THEY DIDN’T TELL YOU ABOUT AND HOW LONG WOULD IT TAKE BEFORE AN ANGRY “FIRED” NASA EMPLOYEE WAS ABLE TO CREATE ONE OF THE OBVIOUSLY MOST WATCHED VIRAL VIDEOS ON THE NET? OH YEA, SOMETHING TELLS ME WE WOULD HAVE A LOT OF VOLUNTEERS TO FIND OUT!

  6. www.thisisnotmyspace.com has a funny video of astroanuts drinking and going at it…

  7. I want to be an astronaut because I love space and science, so can I be an astronaut?I am 10. please.

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