Ransom Riggs
10 Creepy Santas (Whose Laps We Want Nothing To Do With)
by Ransom Riggs - December 17, 2011 - 6:58 AM

All month long (and since right after Halloween in some places), legions of Santas have been perched in malls all over the country, waiting for your children to climb atop their laps and whisper to them their most secret desires. The Mall Santa thing has to be one of the creepiest traditions we have, and yet it seems like it will never die — and as a result, a lot of people out there in internetland have embarrassing pictures of themselves as kids posed with Santa, and sites like sketchysantas are there to redistribute the most humiliating of those memories for the rest of us to enjoy.

This first creepy Santa is a vintage found photograph owned by collector Albert Tanquero, who has an amazing array of vernacular/found photos on his Flickr page. It’s easily the scariest picture of Santa I’ve ever seen, if not one of the creepiest photos I’ve ever come across, right down to the taxidermied donkey.

crazy santa


The following Santas were found in the voluminous archives of sketchysantas:

Santa should at least try and look like he’s having fun, right?
Chris_santa

Santa’s about to have a complete mental breakdown. He’s got the crazy-eye, as they say.
Brian

How can she be so calm with this leering maniac’s arm around her?
Flannery_santa

Note to Santas everywhere: masks are scary. If you look so unlike Santa Claus that you must make use of a mask to sustain the illusion, you might consider another line of work.
Pam

heywood_santa

Santa looks like death warmed over.
kristi_santa

I think Santa and his lap-dweller might be the same age. So much gone horribly awry here …
sketchy1

Santa’s got a Percodan addiction.
tommy

80s glasses look weird on Santa. Also, Santa looks a little like Mark Borchardt from American Movie (then again, maybe it’s just the 80s glasses).
Rachel

Merry Christmas, people!

This article originally appeared in 2009.

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Comments (39)

  1. They are all creepy! But so funny at the same time.

    posted by Chelsea on 12-15-2009 at 8:56 am

  2. what do you expect when a mall hires drunks at $7 an hour?

    posted by Crow88 on 12-15-2009 at 9:19 am

  3. The color photo of the masked Santa appears to be a woman. check out the watch on Santa’s wrist.

    posted by Jill on 12-15-2009 at 9:33 am

  4. Just went over to sketchy santas website…how did you not post the third picture down on the left…im still laughing.

    posted by CJ on 12-15-2009 at 10:06 am

  5. omg, so creepy! I can’t wait to check out the creepysanta websites – thanks for giving us something great to look at today!!

    I think the first one is the creepiest – taxadermist donkey, satanic santa…no thanks.

    posted by OkieMelissa on 12-15-2009 at 10:10 am

  6. almost every single kid in those photos is bawling their head off – I guess I would too…

    posted by Anne on 12-15-2009 at 10:18 am

  7. Unfortunately, the last one cannot be Mark Borchardt since he has an extreme lack of Santa-mullet.

    posted by Bert on 12-15-2009 at 10:29 am

  8. Good Lord these are enough to give a child a fear of Santa similar to a fear of clowns!

    posted by karen on 12-15-2009 at 10:34 am

  9. #2 – is that Tom Waits? And does that make it less creepy or more creepy?

    posted by Jon on 12-15-2009 at 10:56 am

  10. Ransom, I think that first picture belongs with your collection of dead people photos . . . http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs//archives/14682 . . . Santa looks just as dead as the donkey, and is that something propping him up? Truly, Truly terrifying . . .

    posted by Scott the Lawyer on 12-15-2009 at 12:18 pm

  11. Scott the Lawyer, that was my thought exactly! Creeeeeepy.

    posted by Rachel on 12-15-2009 at 12:51 pm

  12. See, THIS is why I refused to sit on Santa’s lap as a child!

    The first one with the mask will haunt my dreams tonight. Doesn’t help I’m terrified of clowns, does it?

    posted by MarMar on 12-15-2009 at 1:38 pm

  13. I agree with Scott the Lawywer, that was my first impression.

    posted by Gina on 12-15-2009 at 1:46 pm

  14. I DEFINITELY agrre with Scott the Lawyer , Gina, and Rachel.

    posted by Sara in AL on 12-15-2009 at 2:06 pm

  15. The Percodan addict is my favorite

    posted by Vincent on 12-15-2009 at 2:20 pm

  16. No wonder my little ones are scared to death of Santa. And I thought the Easter Bunny was creepy…

    posted by Noelle on 12-15-2009 at 2:55 pm

  17. You know that episode of Buffy where she’s in the hospital and all the sick kids are being killed by that creature that adults can’t see so Buffy drinks a vial of death flu in order to develop a fever high enough to enable her to see the demon?

    Picture #1.

    posted by nikki on 12-15-2009 at 3:25 pm

  18. I am laughing and shocked in horror, equal parts

    posted by ac on 12-15-2009 at 3:34 pm

  19. Santa is just SATAN rearranged. I vote #1

    posted by benjamin reynolds on 12-15-2009 at 4:04 pm

  20. #4 is that Mara Wilson? http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0933798/

    If so, that certainly isn’t the Santa who starred in ‘Miracle on 34th St’ with her.

    posted by dangermouse on 12-15-2009 at 5:57 pm

  21. Is that first Santa even alive? It looks suspiciously like one of those death photos you posted a while back.

    posted by MH on 12-15-2009 at 6:09 pm

  22. I think the first Santa is actually Rasputin.

    posted by Alex O. on 12-15-2009 at 6:16 pm

  23. I found these pictures to be scary and funny at the same time I couldn’t help but laugh at picture with the Santa mask.

    posted by Kari on 12-15-2009 at 9:50 pm

  24. Alex O… i was thinking the same thing, no wonder all the grand duchess’ were drawn to him…(shiver) sooo creepy

    posted by chavela on 12-15-2009 at 10:20 pm

  25. #4 looks like the “disaster girl” http://neatorama.cachefly.net/images/2008-10/disaster-girl.jpg

    posted by numbnuts on 12-15-2009 at 11:02 pm

  26. recently at the union station, i saw like a hundred santas ,guys and girls, and some were at the bar so funny xD

    i think one fell on the floor too now tat i think about it :p

    posted by cassy on 12-16-2009 at 12:36 am

  27. I agree with Jill. The first masked Santa is a woman. Nevertheless, all of them are creepy/funny.

    posted by Fran on 12-16-2009 at 10:15 am

  28. Check out this Santa Pic from Kiev circa 1982 or so (some photoshopping for effect) http://twitpic.com/tm6tb

    posted by George on 12-16-2009 at 11:12 am

  29. Why does that little girl in the 4th picture have old lady face already?

    posted by Jill on 12-16-2009 at 5:29 pm

  30. Brilliant collection! Hilarious. Thanks for sharing

    posted by BebopDesigner on 12-16-2009 at 6:48 pm

  31. This photo on the Chicago Tribune website is similar to the first one. The donkey looks the same but it’s a different Santa and background. http://cdn-aki.vmixcore.com/61/10625/25/249036902/432/61/2490/4275fc9dc801201ceba66b4d8b75685e.jpg
    or http://www.chicagotribune.com/features/holidaily/scaredofsanta/chi-scared-santa-2009-ugcpg,0,5623652.ugcphotogallery
    and go to picture 90.

    posted by Barbara on 12-17-2009 at 3:34 pm

  32. in the 6th picture (black and white one of the two girls) the one on the left is holding her nose – don’t suppose Santa needed a bath??

    posted by Anne on 12-21-2009 at 3:03 pm

  33. The first one is gonna keep me awake for nights. I’ll be waiting on Christmas eve with an assortment of weapons.

    posted by Martin on 12-22-2009 at 4:36 pm

  34. I laughed at them. I once posed as Santa for a parade, NOT FUN AT ALL

    posted by Justin on 10-24-2011 at 7:49 pm

  35. Wow… that grown woman in the picture looks like my mom when she was younger. Except she never had her hair cut so short… that I know of… :D

    posted by Heather on 12-1-2011 at 1:43 pm

  36. very creepy…. still haven’t gotten your book T.T

    posted by abi on 12-18-2011 at 2:20 pm

  37. Santa #1 made me physically recoil in horror! Best one! What parent in their right mind would let their kid near that thing?!

    posted by Cheryl on 12-19-2011 at 12:57 am

  38. Nightmares tonight.

    @ Nikki – I was actually thinking about that Buffy episode too!

    posted by M on 12-19-2011 at 12:52 pm

  39. They all look like serial killers.

    posted by Brian on 12-20-2011 at 11:29 pm

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