Over the past week, I’ve been told over and over to watch this series of videos, but resisted until the weekend. I mean, how could it truly be so awesome? I don’t care about Star Wars, why would I find this funny? 70 minutes? How could I find time for this? I can now only regret those long days that I deprived myself of the wonderousness of this bizarre, hilariously nerdy “review” of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. I debated posting it here because it does use some spicy language (within ten seconds, the first f-bomb is dropped), but guys, come on. You need to watch this. You’ll know within the first few minutes whether it’s your kind of thing. And if it is, you’ve got SEVENTY MINUTES OF IT.

Let me break it down for you: this dude makes movie reviews and puts them up on YouTube. He’s been doing it for a while (I strongly recommend his 2008 review of Star Trek: Generations, which came roughly 14 years after the film was released). Through the reviews, you see his analysis of each movie’s particular failings, including detailed analyses of plot holes and explanations of how to make film — in case George Lucas is watching.

Meanwhile, you realize that the reviewer is also playing a character, and he reveals bits of his character within each review. (Talking about various deceased family members, etc.) At various points the review falls off the rails entirely, as in Part 2 (below) when the reviewer rants about his “medications” and then offers to mail pizza rolls to anyone who leaves a comment on “this web zone.” It’s brilliant. Funny, often inappropriate, genuinely insightful — what more could you want from a web video?

Tip: if you are not immediately hooked, wait at least until he says “protagonist” for the second or third time. Trust me. If you get through all seven parts, maybe you can get yourself a pizza roll.

Part 1

“Really, how hard could it be to screw up? It’s like screwing up mashed potatoes: you boil the water, pour the packet….”

Part 2

“It’s almost mind-boggling how complex the awfulness is.”

Part 3

“Now this is where it gets complex, my lovelies. So I think this is what happened — I’m not sure — but Palpatine wanted to create a crisis on Naboo so that the naive young queen would propose a vote of No Confidence for Chancellor Velorum. This would lead to Palpatine getting elected in his place, right? Like, I mean, that’s the plot? I think?” Also, THE FRENCH REVOLUTION.

Part 4

“Invasion…of boring!”

Part 5

“If you ask me, Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi should have been combined into one character, called Obi-Wan Kenobi.”

Part 6

“Please, God, make it stop, make it end.” … “So we’re back to the three guys we know nothing about fighting each other in a scene we have no interest in. … Hey, maybe this’ll finally get good! Maybe I’ll get emotionally involved!”

Part 7

“The Ending Multiplication Effect.”

Did You Watch Them All?

If you want a pizza roll, make a comment on this web zone. I can’t promise anything about the pizza rolls, I’m just saying make a comment and then go buy yourself a pizza roll.