Not every superhero gets to leap over tall buildings in a single bound or stop speeding bullets — for every Superman, there’s a Swamp-Man or a Matter-Eater Lad, the superfreaks you just have to feel a little sorry for. Well, now there’s a whole website that takes this idea to the extreme, creating videos and wacky illustrations highlighting the stupidest superpowers imaginable. Like, for instance —
Healing punch!
Float like a butterfly and sting like the bedside manner of Mother Teresa. As a superhero, sometimes you have to resort to violence. Too bad your ferocious fists instantly heal the damage you inflict. Whereas most punches would deliver a crushing Ivan Drago-like knockout. Yours leave your opponent feeling amazingly refreshed and rejuvenated. At least until he counters with an uppercut to your esophagus.
13th bullet bulletproof
Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Boink.
Polarrhoids
When it comes to superheroes, a lot can happen in the blink of an eye. Like saving distressed damsels along train tracks, scooping up fallen tweens before they plunge into Niagara Falls, or lunch-time quickies in the Hall of Justice bathroom. For this superhero, the blink of an eye means something quite different. That’s because every time he blinks, he produces a Polaroid of whatever he was looking at. We’re not completely sure where the photos come out. But we have an idea.
What’s the most useless superpower you can think of?
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i forgot the show, but i saw Meltman there. The power to melt. just melt in one place. only useful when you’re on handcuffs maybe. haha
posted by Ian on 2-10-2010 at 8:13 am
I saw X2 in theatres with a friend of mine. After the show we were goofing around talking in stupid accents. An old lady overheard us changing accents mid-sentence. She told us that that could be OUR super power.
posted by longtones on 2-10-2010 at 8:25 am
Well, this isn’t my own idea, but WAY back in the day, Seanbaby came up with an EXCELLENT idea for a superhero. See, he’s this guy in a bear-suit, and his superpower is that he can detect whether or not an unborn fetus will grow up to become horribly evil! So, to exercise his superpowers, he just goes around punching women in the belly, inducing miscarriages, and saving the world from terrible evil… Think about it.
posted by Brian on 2-10-2010 at 8:26 am
It’s actually Swamp Thing, not Swamp-Man. Unless you meant Marvel’s “Man Thing”. No, seriously. Man Thing was a similar swamp-based creature. They published an edition once with extra pages, I swear I am not making this up, called “Giant Sized Man Thing”.
posted by Kevin on 2-10-2010 at 8:30 am
There is no superpower so useless that someone else can’t come up with one even more useless. I could say, “the ability to perfectly smooth out crumpled-up paper”, and then you could say, “the ability to remain perfectly still, at the molecular level, for three seconds”, and I could say, “the ability to breathe helium without your voice becoming all squeaky”, and…
But then some superpowers aren’t as useless as they seem. Matter-Eater Lad takes a lot of grief, but really his power is a perfectly simple, elegant concept with a frightening lack of restrictions on it, and it’s come in quite handy at times. DC Comics has published a few excellent Matter-Eater Lad stories, written by people who recognize this (and who are willing to deal with the power’s undeniable inherent silliness).
posted by Matthew E on 2-10-2010 at 8:47 am
There was a skit on SNL way back in the day that dealt with this sort of thing. Second rate super heroes being interviewed. I don’t remember all of it, but there was one guy who’s power was the ability to raise or lower the temperature by 6 degrees.
posted by Jeff on 2-10-2010 at 9:12 am
I’d hate to see what shows up when those pictures develop. And that is a superpower. He is the only one who can still get polaroid film.
posted by Bearman on 2-10-2010 at 9:36 am
The first thing that comes to mind for me is Simon Helberg’s character, “Moist” in Dr. Horrible’s Sing-a-long Blog. His super power is the ability to make things moist.
posted by Bob on 2-10-2010 at 9:38 am
The Midas touch comes to mind – be careful what you wish for.
posted by Betsy on 2-10-2010 at 10:50 am
Pretty much any of the powers in the movie “Mystery Men”…
posted by Greg on 2-10-2010 at 11:11 am
There is a comic that has a song where he makes up his own superheroes- but i can’t remember his name! Does anyone know who I am talking about (I have seen his special on comedy central several times)?
posted by Suz on 2-10-2010 at 11:13 am
I think reading other peoples’ thoughts in a different language, and every 8 months, when you get to finally learn that language, it changes to a different foreign language.
posted by Danny Krasna on 2-10-2010 at 11:20 am
just had to put my reCaptcha \split Jerusalem\.
posted by Megan on 2-10-2010 at 12:36 pm
Suz,
Stephen Lynch is the comic who has a song about made-up super heroes. I’ve seen him in concert, and during that song he takes suggestions from the audience. He’s pretty funny!
posted by Willa on 2-10-2010 at 1:06 pm
What about the superpower of always having exact change. It would be wicked convenient but embarrasing to tell your superhero friends.
posted by Justin on 2-10-2010 at 1:08 pm
my reCaptcha seemed appropriate for this discussion:
gravity wilting
posted by KayTee on 2-10-2010 at 1:26 pm
The ability to drink as much booze as you want without ever getting drunk. It just defeats the whole purpose.
posted by Geo on 2-10-2010 at 1:42 pm
If you remember cassettes, then you remember the occasional problem of the actual tape unwinding out of the shell of the cassette. And you’d have to use your finger or a pen to fix it. How about a superhero who’s only power is that he has a perfectly shaped pinky that fits in the cassette holes and it rotates so it can fix unwound tapes almost instantly. And he is only one member of The Obsolete Team (TOT).
Another member has the power to blow into original NES video game cartridges so that they will always work. (Where were you during my childhood?!)
Another member has the power to perfectly adjust a TV antenna so all the channels are perfectly clear.
Another member has the power to instantly rewind a VHS tape.
New recruits to TOT, probably will be full members in a decade or so:
Person with the power to open the packaging of a new CD in less than one second.
Person with the power to untangle phone cords.
Person whose fingers never get ink on them from reading newspapers.
Person who can heal papercuts.
Anybody else know of any members or recruits?
posted by Kedar on 2-10-2010 at 2:00 pm
@ Matthew E…very Sheldonesque response!
posted by Marty on 2-10-2010 at 2:09 pm
Unlimited Glasses Man. He has the ability to take off his glasses dramatically when delivering an important line, but amazingly, he still has glasses on, and can add drama to his next line by taking his glasses off again. …And again, and again, and again.
posted by John Bejarano on 2-10-2010 at 2:22 pm
Thanks Willa!!
Under my name is a link to all of his youtube video’s!
posted by Suz on 2-10-2010 at 2:34 pm
Click my name for an article I once wrote on ‘very mild super powers’.
My wife has power over certain areas of stationery. Specifically, she can accurately hole punch an A4 piece of paper without using the little measuring arm that comes out of the hole punch. She can also fold an A4 piece of paper in thirds first time, every time. This is extremely useful when using DL envelopes.
We have often wondered whether her powers would extend to letter-sized paper as well, or if it’s A4 specific!
posted by Jase on 2-10-2010 at 2:43 pm
Marty:
Thanks. Who’s Sheldon?
posted by Matthew E on 2-10-2010 at 3:24 pm
Ian- You’re thinking of Meltman on Kablam- it’s on Nicktoon’s network on Sunday mornings. How about the superhero Comicbook Guy came up with-Avery Man.
posted by Sara in AL on 2-10-2010 at 3:35 pm
The ability to fly…like a bumblebee! Or his sidekick’s ability to see farts!
posted by Teddy S on 2-10-2010 at 4:24 pm
You should look for the book “Superheros”, sci-fi edited by John Varley. Great stories, like “Theme Song Man”, “Truth, Justice and the Politically Correct Socialist Path” and “Captain Asimov”. A fun read.
posted by Ruth on 2-10-2010 at 7:37 pm
We discussed this topic in my 10th grade English class. Don’t ask me why. One of the more useless superpowers we came up with is the ability to tie your shoes really fast.
posted by Rachel on 2-11-2010 at 12:03 am
@ Kedar: Record Girl- she can play any 80′s song just by touching a record player.
posted by GiGi B. on 2-13-2010 at 8:04 pm
Robot Chicken; Giant Midget.
posted by Matt on 2-14-2010 at 12:21 pm
most useless super power: the ability to name useless superhero powers
posted by Marty on 2-14-2010 at 11:29 pm
My friend used to read this manga where the main character would turn into some animal whenever he was hugged. I always figured that would pretty much be the worst superpower ever. “Oh no, Aquarium Man has escaped! Quick, stranger, give me a hug so I can turn into a starfish!!!”
posted by maria on 2-15-2010 at 2:49 pm
Dentor : Can fire explosive teeth like bullets, & grow a new set, but it takes five months and is extremely painful.
Razorman : Can sharpen used razor blades, (and other cutting implements) but only by slicing his eyeballs with them. Unfortunately, he can only do this twice (once with each eye).
Mental_Floss Woman : Has an extensive range of knowledge, however it’s mostly useless trivia.
posted by Super King on 2-15-2010 at 11:34 pm
“Polarrhoids”
When I saw the pic and the word “Polarrhoids”, I was expecting some connection with hemorrhoids.
posted by Super King on 2-15-2010 at 11:39 pm
hmm.. probably seeing through walls, provided that the walls are made of clear glass?!
posted by shini on 2-16-2010 at 5:59 am