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We have smart readers. It stands to reason some of you are raising smart kids.
I’ve come for parental advice. Not for me – not yet, at least. My wife and I have our hands full with the dog right now. But a friend of mine is a month away from becoming a father. We threw him a baby shower last week, and our co-workers with kids shared their wisdom. This was my favorite, courtesy of my friend Chris:
“I stopped giving advice when I realized how annoying it is when people give you advice on what to do with your kid. My advice is to not listen to other people. Oh, and stay away from those growth chart things that tell you how normal your kid is. Unless you plan on selling them on the black-market there is really not much need to compare your infant to national averages. Especially when you think about how fat other people are….”
So, what are you doing to raise well-behaved, curious, intelligent kids?
Comments (24)
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Thats the best parenting advice I have heard in a long time.
posted by James on 4-17-2007 at 9:23 am
Heavy Metal, BABY!!
I’m not kidding. For a baby less than three months old, I suggest playing heavy metal when the baby cries. It stops the crying almost instantly. I’m not kidding. My mother said she wouldn’t have believed it if she didn’t see it herself.
Of course, you have to pick your songs carefully. I suggest “Party Hard” by Andrew WK. The reason I suggest this song, is because it does not have any sudden crashes and bangs which will startle the baby, but is still noisy enough to keep them calm.
You can get this song free at http://www.andrewwk.com.
Try it. You’ll be surprised.
posted by Ari on 4-17-2007 at 9:23 am
The best thing one can do is (if means permit) to keep them out of the government schools by whatever means necessary.
Government schools, in the US at least, have really become an absolute joke in most locales. They exist to employ the maximum number of administrators, teachers, and a myriad of ancillary employees. While much of the blame ought be shouldered by the Education-degreed (valueless drivel) administrators, teachers shouldn’t get off too easy either. A system without any competition or performance incentive has made many of them lazy and shiftless.
Furthermore, the system of instruction is all set up to cater to the least-performing students. Gone are the days of “tracking” students by ability — now the dullards are lumped in with the smart kids, which slows the pace of learning down to what the slow kids can handle.
The problem extends to the home front as well, of course. Because the schooling is “free”, parents place little value on it and don’t care if the children don’t get much out of it.
I could go on and on, but I better shut up. Read some of what Thomas Sowell or Walter E. Williams have written on the subject. Government schools are an utter mess. A school vocuher system is desperately needed to open up some competition which will spur the government schools into performing better. Right now, they have no incentive to do better. Today, poor people are the ones who lose out, because they haven’t the means to get their kids into a better performing, less crap dispensing private school. Vouchers are the solution.
posted by Sid on 4-17-2007 at 9:24 am
Breastfeed, breastfeed, breastfeed. The nutritional and mental advantages are far and away superior to anything formula offers. From what I’ve seen, formula just makes the baby fat but not that mentally or physically developed. We have a 10-month old who was crawling at 5 months and she has been beginning to talk since she was 7 months. She obviously can’t say what she intends, but things like “kitty” “daddy” “mommy” “blue” and more are mainstays of her vocabulary.
My wife is a hardcore milker — she pumps at work and I feed the pumped milk to my daughter during the day. It’s the perfect food for humans and allows them to grow and develop quickly.
As far as what you can do developmentally with an infant/toddler, nothing beats reading to/with them. Your voice carries a different tone when you read a book, and babies can pick up on that. It gives them the ideas of how the rhythm of speech should go. I also have a variety of musical instruments — real ones, not necessarily kid versions — and I let her play with them. Casiotones/small cheap keyboards are perfect for learning music and cause & effect with pressing keys. I play the guitar and sing to her, and she’s facinated by the strings and has begun strumming them on her own.
Really, the key is just a lot of love. :)
posted by tim yoseffsen on 4-17-2007 at 9:44 am
I’m not a parent, but I have two and I think they did a pretty good job. They were always involved in my life when I was young – helping out at school, etc. so that they were aware of what was going on in my life. They gave me freer rein as I got older, but they were still involved and interested in what was going on in my life. I appreciate that, because I see parents at both extremes: Those who don’t spend time with their children or know who their friends are and those who organize everything in their child’s life (even in college!).
posted by srah on 4-17-2007 at 10:52 am
Thank you Sid, for your opinion, but I beg to differ rather strenuously. My kids went to public schools and my daughter is a civil engineer and my son is an Economics major at a VERY well respected university and speaks 4 languages in addition to English (some better than others, granted). The public schools where YOU live may be a mess, but guess who let that happen — people who were afraid to be involved in the schools and left that job to “someone lese”. One gets out of a school just what one puts into it. They had some really bad teachers and some that were/are FABULOUS. The key here is (drumroll) PARENTS!
My advice to young parents is to talk to your kids and really listen to them from day one. Read to them. Talk about THEIR interests. Encourage those interests. Learn things together as a family. Meet their friends and talk with them, too. Stay involved in your child’s life even when they get to the dreaded middle school. They won’t think you just then, but they will in years to come. Don’t be their friend, don’t be their dictator, be their PARENT!!
posted by Larriann on 4-17-2007 at 11:12 am
Rule Number 1: When they ask why (and they will. A lot.), tell them. Make it as age appropriate as possible, but tell them. A corollary to this is when they take something apart, let them unless doing so is dangerous or will destroy something particularly valuable. If that is the case, explain that to them.
Rule Number 2: Kids need to hear the word “no”. Too many kids grow up to be self absorbed boors because their parents were too concerned with their self esteem and not concerned enough with making sure they are good people.
posted by Anthony on 4-17-2007 at 11:17 am
I can’t speak from personal experience, but there is something that my parents did that I think all parents should do for their kids.
For as long as I could remember, my parents would take me and my sister to a bookstore every weekend. Part of the deal for this was that my dad would by my sister and I each a book on the condition that we would read it. I think it worked. We’re both smart adults now. So at least the literacy was cared for in that regard.
My parents also played scrabble and trivial pursuit with us. We went to museums and science centers and zoos. As a child, I watched just as much discovery channel as cartoons, possibly due to my upbringing.
I wasn’t forced into using my brain, I was encouraged, challenged. I think that it was a good thing for me. It could work for others, imho.
posted by Milica on 4-17-2007 at 11:30 am
Say “yes” as often as possible. If you can’t come up with a concrete, logical reason for refusal, then the answer must be “yes”. “It will be messy or inconvenient for me” are not good reasons for refusing a child’s request.
posted by KJ on 4-17-2007 at 11:39 am
I’m going to spank my kids when they disrespect me. All those people who are saying that’s child abuse probably weren’t raised right. I got spanked and switched when I was little. And they’re going to a private school like I did. Also I’m gooing to use vocabulary words around them and have a library in the house. To encourage them to read and think.
posted by Rachel on 4-17-2007 at 11:58 am
Your friend Chris is right. Most of the advice out there (especially the stuff that comes in paperback) is ridiculous. Ask for advice on how to deal with pregnancy, and most people respond with, “well, every pregnancy is different.” Once that kid comes into the world, however, your unique pregnancy somehow yields a child that is supposed to fit the exact mold of every other human baby.
If I had to give advice, I’d say not to get ahead of yourself. If your child hasn’t reached a particular milestone (sat up, taken their first step, first word, etc), don’t panic. They’ll get there, so don’t push. There’s a fine line between helping a child develop and forcing them. You will do them immeasurable good to learn where that line is.
Lots of folks will tell you that you need to be there for your kids and that you need to talk to them and be involved in their lives. That is all absolutely true. However, it applies very little during the time when your baby doesn’t even know that they have feet. Don’t get ahead of yourself. Choosing a school or establishing discipline isn’t really relevant to the parent who’s changing a dozen diapers a day. (That’s right, a dozen (or more) a day!)
As a side, I remember the first few months of fatherhood to be pretty boring. When my son wasn’t sleeping he was eating, and I simply didn’t have the equipment to take part in that. I say boring, but that’s really in retrospect. At the time, all I wanted to do was sit there and look at him.
Congratulations to your friend.
posted by Bill T. on 4-17-2007 at 12:05 pm
On the “well-behaved” note:
Teach your kids to say thank-you! This seems so basic, but it’s amazing how many kids and teens (and adults) just act like they are entitled to others’ generosity.
My mom makes lunch for my teenage sister and all her friends once a week. She either cooks them a delicious meal of several courses, or packs lunches and hand-stamps and decorates the lunch sacks. She usually spends all morning working to make it special. In the two years she has done this, the closest thing to a “thanks” she has received was, “Huh. Cookies.” Pretty pathetic.
Also, teach your kids to actually speak to adults. Usually the kids run in, scarf their food, and give her a weird look if she asks them how they’re doing, what their mom is up to, or any other attempt at polite conversation. Maybe she should try instant messaging them instead…
posted by sincityspuds on 4-17-2007 at 12:48 pm
For the love of pete, teach them respect. I don’t care how, but children need to learn respect, both for themselves and for others. Granted, respect for others is earned, not given, but some basic respect for all people/things needs to be drilled into children as early as possible.
With respect for themselves and for others will come the urge to better themselves and the ability to interact better with teachers and others in a position to educate them.
And don’t be afraid to punish, but don’t overdo it. Punishment should be switft and memorable, and if this tool is abused, then it ceases to become usefull. I don’t mean physically punishing them in some way (spanking, &c, though if the misdeed is severe enough, sure) but it needs to be memorable. My father would turn the television to a show I wanted to watch and then have me stand in front of the TV with my back to the picture. That was surprisingly tough for a 5-10 year old.
posted by tinfoil on 4-17-2007 at 1:14 pm
Sid, I also thank you for your opinion, but I am going to side with Larriann on this one. I’m not a parent, but I am both the product of a public school and a teacher in a public school. Having just gone through high-stakes testing this morning, there is DEFINITELY incentive to do the best job possible. For parents, as the head of an alternative learning program for at-risk middle school students, I BEG you to be involved. It is so sad to see perfectly capable students plummeting simply because nobody at home cares to keep them accountable. I put my soul into my work every single day, but if I am the only adult who cares about a student, then my work is way more than cut out for me…
posted by Kdbug on 4-17-2007 at 1:43 pm
Larriann, it sounds like you’ve got a good school district, and that’s great. The majority of the USA dosn’t have it as good as you, though. I can attest to this from my own experiences with fellow students in Engineering and (later) business school. There is a WIDE range of quality out there, and most of the government schools frankly stink because they have no competition and are not accountable for anything.
Yes, as I noted also, parents can be part of the problem (and solution). But “fixing” a school district is a VERY slow process, taking much longer than one’s children will ever be in school. If your schools suck, it is better for your kids sake to send them elsewhere from the start rather than trying to fight the system where you will be mostly jousting windmills. Even if you are somehow “remarkably successful”, results won’t manifest themselves until your kids have kids of their own. The system took years to get rotten and a lot of those living off it LIKE IT THAT WAY.
Very few government school districts make the teachers accountable for results. That’s a major crux of the problems that are endemic. My HS teacher friends (in different local Western NY districts) relate gobs of horror stories about other teachers wasting time frequently showing movies in class (’Waterboy’, not ‘MacBeth’!), administrators permitting myriads of excused class absences (pep rallies, frequent field trips, photo club expeditions, etc.) and classrooms clogged with Special Ed kids being mainstreamed to the detriment of everyone else. Yes, your children may turn out great despite all this, but why should they have to *fight* to learn? Think how much higher they might reach if the academic standards and rigor were higher!
posted by Sid on 4-17-2007 at 1:55 pm
Here’s the best advice you can get for the first few years: WHATEVER WORKS
posted by Emily on 4-17-2007 at 2:25 pm
Try to let things that were once gross be something to laugh at.
You are almost gauanteed to be barfed on, peed on, and pooped on.
Potentially all at once.
But be careful about laughing when it happens to your partner.
posted by jab on 4-17-2007 at 3:15 pm
Not a parent here, but my mother’s given me some good advice for when I do become one: Don’t try to be the best mommy or dad. You never will be. No one is the valedictorian of parenting–everyone gets overwhelmed and yells, and its easy to get burened trying to find the newest toy and instill the perfect values and raise the smartest kid. Not only will you drive yourself crazy, you’ll drive all the neighbors and sisters and brothers that you’re judging as bad parents and competing with to be better parents nuts as well. Everyone really is different, and the myth that parents have so much control over how smart and sucessful their kids will be is often just that–a myth. Kids aren’t just bundles of genes, but they’re not strictly the product of experiences and perfect parenting either. Read Steven Pinkers The Blank Slate, get over it and do your best. Not the best, not better than your neighbor, but the best. That’s all anyone can ask of you anyways.
Also, props to Larriann for saying the thing that does really matter in terms of schooling–parental involvement. I went to a vast myriad of wonderful and awful public schools–what was most important in my sucess was that my parents were always really supportive and encouraging of my desire to learn. They pushed me to do well, and I did. I go to an Ivy League school and know a lot of kids who went to top private and top public schools–they’re not any smarter, better prepared or more successful than those of us who went to the public schools you disparage. School vouchers don’t guarentee a good education any more than public schools do–even if kids are going to the best private school you can get them into, it won’t help at all if they’re not pushed to learn.
posted by c on 4-17-2007 at 4:35 pm
whoops–apologies for those typos. that ivy league education hasn’t kicked in yet, apparently. The second and third to last sentences of the first paragraph are meant to read: “Read Steven Pinker’s ‘The Blank Slate,’ get over it and do your best. Not the best, not better than your neighbor, but your best. “
posted by c on 4-17-2007 at 4:41 pm
No matter the quality of the school, if parents are not involved in their childrens education, everyone at the school suffers. So if your child’s school suffers, blame parents not the educational system.
For many, parenting is a pastime, not a full time job. For those people it is much easier to blame the education system for THEIR failings rather than take personal responsibilty for their child.
posted by Carla Hopkins on 4-17-2007 at 6:18 pm
Although I don’t have kids myself, and hopefully I won’t for a few more years, I feel I have special insighst (as I’m not yet 20 years old myself).
First, Patience is so important. Kids can be crazy and drive you up a wall, but they’re just kids. You can’t expect more from them. Also, if they’ve done something wrong its most likely because they didn’t know it was wrong. Its your job to correct them and explain in words they can understand the reason they were wrong.
Second, Your child is not the best, smartest, or best behaved. No matter what. And if someone tell you that your child did something wrong, they did. That person knows that you believe your child is better than others so they are already nervous telling you that something happened. They’re only trying to help… don’t just down their throat.
Third, be there for your kid. Kids need to feel secure. Tell the that them that they’re loved every day. And then tell them again. And again.
Fourth, be involved. Know their friends, their teachers, their role models.
Fifth, be aware of sibbling comparisons. Nothing can ruin a relationship with a family memeber more than a problem with a sister or brother.
Last, know when to say no. Even if it makes the kid mad. They won’t be mad for long, and it will benifit them in the end.
Also, public school can be the greatest thing ever. The kids come in contact with diverse groups of people, not just the rich kids from town.
thanks. and GOOD LUCK
posted by Amy on 4-17-2007 at 10:05 pm
Cid, you have NO idea how incredibly wrong you are. Obviously, you’re the product of your fancy, expensive education – you’ve been bred to think you’re better because you went to a private school.
I finished up at a public school in 2001, and instead of university, I went to what you Americans call ‘technical school’ or something like that. Essentially, you spend about $1000 a year, and you get certification in a chosen field. Four years, and you’ve got something that’s worth one year in a bachelor degree. I failed my second year and got a job instead. Four years later, I’m in a successful position in a multi-billion dollar company – Australia’s largest ISP. I’ve already been given a permanent position, and have been offered a chance to train up to be management.
Private schools only give you an edge because the stigma in the world is that private school kids are better educated. No, they’re not. They just have richer parents.
posted by Nerdfury on 4-18-2007 at 7:39 pm
Wow, I got really bored halfway through #3. I scrolled down and gave up. Makes Chris’ quote all the more meaningful.
posted by David on 4-18-2007 at 10:54 pm
If I had kids, I think I would tell them not to call other people fat.
Besides, if you listen to Chris’ advice not to listen to advice, aren’t you listening to his advice?
posted by Sandy on 4-19-2007 at 8:54 am