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Because product-liability lawsuits are ever on the rise in the U.S. — as well as the awards given those litigious plaintiffs by juries, which averaged $1.8 million in 2005 — so too do the warning labels on our products grow more absurd. (Remember the iPod Shuffle’s “Do Not Eat” warning? The company still hasn’t admitted it was a joke.) Courtesy Forbes, here are some of the most laughable:
1. “Keep pet birds out of the kitchen when using this product.”
Product: Bialetti Casa Italiana’s nonstick pans
2. “Warning: This costume does not enable flight or super strength.”
Product: Frankel’s Costume Superman costumes
3. “Do not iron clothes on body.”
Product: Rowenta’s irons
4. “Do not use for personal hygiene.”
Product: Scrubbing Bubbles Fresh Brush
5. “This product moves when used.”
Product: Razor scooter
6. “Ask a doctor before use if you have difficulty urinating due to an enlarged prostate.”
Product: Midol Menstrual Complete
7. “Do Not Eat.”
Product: Apple’s iPod shuffle
(I can’t help but remember the SNL fake commercial for the “Nerf Crotchbat.” It’s themesong was “Crotchbat, crotchbat / Nerf plus crotch equals lots of fun!” and ended with narrator Phil Hartman intoning, “Nerf Crotchbat … not for use with crotch.”)
What are some of the silliest warnings you’ve seen?
Comments (64)
Comment
The first one on your list is actualy a good warning. If you over heat teflon it gives off a gas that will kill some birds.
posted by Colleen on 4-26-2007 at 11:55 am
I had a curling iron that warned not to enter it into any bodily orifice (when it was plugged-in of course… have-at-it if it wasn’t)
posted by Scarlett on 4-26-2007 at 11:56 am
That first one
“1. “Keep pet birds out of the kitchen when using this product.”
Product: Bialetti Casa Italiana’s nonstick pans”
is actually a good warning,
the fumes given off when non-stick surfaces burn are deadly to birds, but unfortunately not many people know that. Sadly there are many people, restaurants, and bars that keep pet birds in or near the kitchen area.
posted by Emily on 4-26-2007 at 11:57 am
TV commercials are getting bad with “Professional, Closed Course, Do Not Attempt” Jeez, people are stupid & Lawyers are greedy…
posted by Big John on 4-26-2007 at 11:59 am
The windshield sun-blockers that cover the entire screen and warn me to “Remove before driving”.
posted by Johnny Cat on 4-26-2007 at 12:00 pm
I don’t remember the exact wording, but on a bottle of Squirt soda: Warning! Do not open with bottle pointed towards eye.
posted by Jason! on 4-26-2007 at 12:11 pm
another SNL favorite: Happy Fun Ball……”Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball”
posted by Bryan on 4-26-2007 at 12:11 pm
I had a hair dryer once that reminded me to not “use while sleeping”.
posted by phoebe on 4-26-2007 at 12:11 pm
The packet of peanuts that states “Warning: May contain nuts”. I would hope so too!
posted by violet/riga on 4-26-2007 at 12:17 pm
A hairdryer warning that stated ‘do not use while showering’. Wet-dry-wet-dry-wet-dry. WTH
posted by JaneM on 4-26-2007 at 12:28 pm
The really scary part of all this is that each and every one of those things that are warned against were things that people actually tried, had bad stuff happen, and sued the mfg. Some of them are because people are stupid, some are because you can’t expect everyone to know everything.
posted by Alan Mayer on 4-26-2007 at 1:07 pm
I like the car commercials that don’t actually show the vehicle being driven, but still say “Professional driver on closed course.” Should I assume that if I were to buy the car I shouldn’t attempt to let it just sit there?
posted by Bill T. on 4-26-2007 at 1:09 pm
For some reason package inserts on sleeping medications like Ambien and Lunesta always list “drowsiness” as a side effect. I would hope so….
posted by Kathy on 4-26-2007 at 1:09 pm
There is always the classic: “Remove baby before folding” warning on strollers.
Or “Do not attempt to stop blade with your hands” in the chainsaw manual.
Or the really dumb one that now must be on packages of peanuts due to allergies: “Warning: may contain nuts” what else did they expect in it?
The one that has always confused me though was on Christmas lights when they saw “For indoor or outdoor use only”. What else is left?
posted by Erik on 4-26-2007 at 1:35 pm
Good job cutting that “average” number out of context. First, they said “median,” not “mean.” Forbes also put it into better context:
“In 2004, the median jury award in product-liability cases was $1.8 million, estimates the National Small Business Association, a lobbying group; plaintiffs’ success rate: 61%.”
Not exactly the most objective observer. Keep in mind there are NO state or national databases of jury verdicts and settlements. The numbers are always speculation. I can guarantee the median is actually $0, for all the valid cases not brought and all the cases dismissed or discontinued or settled for almost nothing before trial.
posted by anon on 4-26-2007 at 1:50 pm
A friend of mine used to wear a baseball cap made of hemp that read:
“Warning: Do not smoke this cap” in large letters
posted by Mean Joe on 4-26-2007 at 2:10 pm
I’m dating myself here, but at a record rental shop back when I was an undergrad:
“Do not store records in microwave oven.”
posted by Nevin ":-)" on 4-26-2007 at 3:01 pm
More pathetic than funny, but I remember my father telling me some 15-20 years ago when he was an industrial designer of household stoves, that he had to add all those warning labels for the American market saying the device could become… hot!
posted by teaPod on 4-26-2007 at 3:29 pm
Cofee! Warning!
“Hot cofee can cause severe burns” - No way! :)
“Not responsible for loose fitting lids” - Oh, damn!
“Coffe stains can be permanent” - Oh, really?
“Don’t drink coffee while driving” - Bad habit? :)
Don’t drink ever LOL
posted by Antilos on 4-26-2007 at 3:47 pm
“Food may be hot when heated.”
–microwaveable snack
posted by Joe on 4-26-2007 at 4:05 pm
Sadly, I know someone who tried to iron theair clothes while wearing them. “Warning:
May cause drowsiness.” -Nyquil
posted by Karen on 4-26-2007 at 6:11 pm
When you buy a wheelburrow (I know, only “hicks”)- Not for highway usage.
It really is hilariously sad when you think about the fact that it’s probably on there ‘cuz someone actually tried it!
posted by Sarah W on 4-26-2007 at 6:15 pm
I like the “results not typical” on ads. And which ads are they? The two biggest scams of all - get rich quick, and diet plans.
It’s especially funny when someone says, “I lost tons and tons of weight, on the old strict diet, and now we’re offering a new diet, that’s easier to stick to”.
Not that it makes much difference, I suppose. Statistics say that 95% of all people who start a diet this year will weigh more 5 years from now than those who don’t, no matter how motivated, no matter what diet. Even “bariatric surgery” is of questionable safety and efficacy.
The *sure* way to lose weight is to get careless with a chain saw, and lop off an arm or leg. Or get catch AIDS. Serious illness is pretty good at producing weight loss.
posted by Paul Ding on 4-26-2007 at 7:05 pm
I once bought a Sara Lee cheesecake that had “This Is The Bottom” stamped into the aluminum pan. I also saw a warning label on a Chinese motorcycle that advised “Do not operate after drinking wine.” I guess bourbon and beer are ok though.
posted by John on 4-26-2007 at 7:27 pm
My personal favorite was on a room air conditioner that I bought many years ago:
“Warning: Be sure air conditioner does not fall out of window. Maintain secure grip while installing and removing air conditioner.”
What did they expect?
“Hey, Steve, wanna give me a hand with this air conditioner?”
“OK, Sam, but how about a beer first?”
“Sure! But what do I do with the A/C? I’ve already got it half into the window.”
“Well, does it say anything on it about letting it fall out?”
“Ummmm…no….”
“OK, so let it fly.”
“OK….”
>
posted by --Mike on 4-27-2007 at 7:28 am
Don Novello (also known as Father Guido Sarducci) had an alter-ego named Lazlo Toth who penned a series of letters to politicians, celebrities and corporations. The letters and replies were published as the Lazlo Letters. In one he wrote the Mr. Bubble bubble bath manufacturer, asking why the box warned “KEEP FROM WATER”.
posted by Alice McGregor on 4-27-2007 at 8:08 am
I remember the SNL skits that were a series of advertisements for Happy Fun Ball with a huge list of warnings about bizarre stuff - it would explore when you looked at it the wrong way or something like that. Do Not Taunt Happy Fun Ball.
posted by Jennifer on 4-27-2007 at 8:11 am
Summers are HOT in Phoenix…I bought a folding cardboard sun shield for inside the windshield of my car to reduce the interior temperature while parked. The shade covered the inside of the windshield from top to bottom, side to side completely obscuring the view. Last on the list of directions, which I found to be humorous enough, was the warning: Do not drive with Auto-Shade in place.
posted by Rod on 4-27-2007 at 9:16 am
It was the “Nerf Nerf” that was “Not for use with crotch” at the end of the Nerf Crotchbat commercial.
Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball!
posted by Captain Pedantic on 4-27-2007 at 9:38 am
I once had a microwave food item and printed on the bottom was “Do not turn over” –great now what
posted by Lindsey on 4-27-2007 at 10:14 am
Do Not Taunt Happy Fun Ball!
posted by tru on 4-27-2007 at 10:17 am
The hair-dryer sleeping one …
my mom uses a hair-dryer when she sleeps. She props it up on a pillow and blows hot hair at her body to keep her warm. Apparently, the warning label didn’t do much good.
posted by Rebecka on 4-27-2007 at 11:27 am
not a warning exactly, but I have a CD case that says “this object becomes portable when carried”
posted by Korin on 4-27-2007 at 12:08 pm
Stupid, irrelevant question: Why are some names in blue and the others black?
posted by Rubik on 4-27-2007 at 12:51 pm
Poptarts - remove from package before toasting
hand sanitizer - for external use only
Suppository medication - unwrap before inserting
posted by Karen on 4-27-2007 at 1:03 pm
Rubik - the blue are hyperlinks to their website. The black didn’t enter one.
posted by Karen on 4-27-2007 at 1:40 pm
Click my name for a bunch of warnings written by physics students.
posted by Jason on 4-27-2007 at 2:18 pm
Although I believe they are just being funny, Leap Frog wine bottles have “open other end” printed on the bottom of their labels.
posted by elizabutt on 4-27-2007 at 2:36 pm
On the side of an old warplane in a museum there was a warning label.
“Do not reload in flight”
posted by pand0ra on 4-27-2007 at 3:57 pm
On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.”
On a Japanese food processor — “Not to be used for the other use.”
On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
On a Swedish chainsaw — “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”
posted by Rachel on 4-28-2007 at 9:32 am
I’ve got a bottle of Citrus Power spray cleaner — smells like oranges — that says in big letters on the label, “DO NOT DRINK”. Really?
posted by Dave on 4-28-2007 at 10:44 pm
Banana Boat Tear Free Baby sunblock: “As Mild As Water”
On the back: “As mild as water to baby’s eyes and skin”
Further down: “Avoid contact with eyes. If contact occurs, rinse thoroughly with water” and:
“Stop use and call doctor if irritation or rash occurs”
posted by Alli on 4-29-2007 at 5:26 pm
A warning on a stroller: “remove child before folding and storing.”
posted by Jen on 4-30-2007 at 8:26 am
John Smoltz (star MLB pitcher for you non-sportsfans) famously burned himself by trying to iron the shirt he was wearing.
posted by Erak on 4-30-2007 at 8:34 am
must be lost in translation but some Korean kitchen knives say “keep out of children”
or rubber bath mat ” do not iron”
posted by Sideshow on 5-2-2008 at 6:24 am
On a hair dryer: “Do not use while sleeping”
posted by huxley75 on 5-2-2008 at 7:04 am
Not exactly a warning but on a box of the anti-viral kleenex is says that it is against the law to use the tissue as anything other than a facial tissue.
posted by Stef on 5-2-2008 at 7:44 am
not so much a warning, but an example of how stupid the average consumer is and why those labels exist.
“ok, so you had the cargo van for two weeks at $350 a week, therefore, your total is $700 dollars.”
“oh, no, that can’t be right.”
*showing him the contract* “see here, it says “$350/week,” and since you had it from the tenth to the 24th that would constitute two weeks.”
“oh, i’m not paying that. when i called and asked if i could keep it another week, you guys said i could keep it for a month if i wanted.”
“well, sir, you can keep it for a year if you continue paying for it.”
“well, nobody told me i’d have to pay more money if i kept it longer.”
“…so you want a free week even though it goes against all the rules of common sense, not to mention that black and white print on the contract itself.”
“yes.”
also, kind of a moot point, but this 55+ gentleman also had a 21 year old asian wife that didn’t speak english. nothing like getting a woman shipped straight to you from an impoverished country.
i put my two weeks in on tuesday morning.
posted by ashley on 5-2-2008 at 9:18 am
Do not microwave phone to dry.(with microwave icon)
Motorola Krazr Manual
posted by Laffy_Taffy on 5-2-2008 at 9:55 am
Have any of you seen the ad for a pharmaceutical - I don’t know which one - but one of the side effects is a dramatic increase in gambling activity. That has to be the most bizaar side effect I’ve ever heard of.
posted by Joe on 5-2-2008 at 10:21 am
On a tube of preparation H - ‘Warning do not take orally’. I’d love to hear that doctor call - ‘aaa dah thsss stuh isn wahkin’
posted by Joe on 5-2-2008 at 10:24 am
Actually, for those who quoted the “may contain nuts” warning on peanuts - Peanuts are not nuts. They are legumes. Thus, people who are allergic to nuts can still have peanuts galore.
posted by Bekah on 5-2-2008 at 10:24 am
For those who mentioned the “May contain nuts” warning on peanut packages: Peanuts aren’t nuts. They’re actually legumes. Thus, people who are allergic to nuts can eat plenty of peanuts. Just an FYI.
posted by Bekah on 5-2-2008 at 10:29 am
on my son’s pacifier package: Warning may cause choking in small children.
posted by Christian on 5-2-2008 at 10:34 am
On the last car of the train that ships parts from the Thiokol plant in Utah to Kennedy Spcae Center in Florida - “Do Not Hump” - not sure I want to know the details behind that sign!
posted by kitty_inc on 5-2-2008 at 11:30 am
Sorry to spoil your silly urban legends, but teflon does NOT give off a gas that kills birds unless it is cooked to over 500 degrees. If that happens it will kill you as well. People, THINK, PLEASE!
posted by Mitchbert on 5-2-2008 at 11:33 am
I like the directions on weird items. Like gloves: Military puts instructions in each glove, “Insert one digit into each finger sleeve”. Like you plan to wear it wrong??
Another interesting instruction requests you to ” put one leg in each leg opening ” of a pair of underwear you receive from the military…like you plan to wear them on your head and get away with it? You know some one had to do all these things wrong in order for some dumb bunny to have to create al these warnings and instructions. That’s the funniest part!
posted by Nancy on 5-2-2008 at 12:38 pm
Any drug that will increase gambling will probably also increase promiscuity, as what it is doing is lowering your inhibition. One of the drugs for restless leg syndrome (and I believe a drug for bipolar disorder) is currently directly marketed in the US. My mom and I keep asking for these drugs, as the side effects of gambling and sex are soo much better, than say, rectal bleeding.
posted by Jo Ann on 5-2-2008 at 1:23 pm
Microwave popcorn that came tri-folded and wrapped in cellophane. You remove it from the plastic wrap and unfold it to see the instructions inside.
Step one: Remove cellophane wrapping. (Hmm… no way to get to the instructions without doing that first)
posted by n2y2 on 5-2-2008 at 1:26 pm
Warning:
Do not put calculator in back pocket…it may break.
posted by ahway on 5-2-2008 at 3:20 pm
Not a warning, but has anyone seen that commerical for I think it’s called Veramyst? It’s an allergy medication and at the end the announcer says “The way Veramyst works is not entirely understood.” Scary much? I understand there are mysteries in the universe but if I’m going to squirt it towards my brain I’d like to have a better mental grasp on it, instead of being able to liken my understanding of its power to how I felt about the toilet, as a child.
posted by Kim on 5-2-2008 at 4:21 pm
I bought a large ice chest that came with the warning “Do not put in dishwasher.” Contacts warn not to put in mouth. I thought that was silly until a friend of mine put her contact in her mouth to moisten it and then swallowed it.
posted by Judy on 5-2-2008 at 4:49 pm
@Mike,
My roommate in college dropped our AC out the window. She lived on the non-window side of the room and clearly didn’t know how to operate the thing. The window, not the AC. She opened the window with the AC in it and down it went.
We were pretty lucky that the sophomores below us didn’t have the usual entourage outside their window at that very moment!!!
posted by Nicole on 5-2-2008 at 6:25 pm
on a bottle of aspirin:
do not take if you are allergic to aspirin
posted by Ali on 5-2-2008 at 7:04 pm