Will Treece
Adam Cadre’s Lyttle Lytton Contest
by Will Treece - June 17, 2010 - 9:14 AM

Thanks for the warm welcome, everybody! For my inaugural mental_floss post, I think I’ll just direct everyone to one of my all-time favorite places on the internet.

Most of you have probably heard of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, awarded annually to the worst potential first line of a novel. Here’s the 2009 winner:

“Folks say that if you listen real close at the height of the full moon, when the wind is blowin’ off Nantucket Sound from the nor’ east and the dogs are howlin’ for no earthly reason, you can hear the awful screams of the crew of the ‘Ellie May,’ a sturdy whaler Captained by John McTavish; for it was on just such a night when the rum was flowin’ and, Davey Jones be damned, big John brought his men on deck for the first of several screaming contests.”

It’s kind of funny, but very unwieldy. Cultural critic and interactive fiction pioneer Adam Cadre, however, has a solution: limit entries to 33 words or less. He calls it the Lyttle Lytton Contest. Here’s his example of the proper way to mangle the English language subtly and briefly:

“Jennifer stood there, quietly ovulating.”

Not only is he a great bad writer, Cadre is fantastic at explaining why Lyttle Lytton sentences work so perfectly:

“The non-action of ‘stood,’ the vagueness of ‘there,’ the involuntary process of ovulation treated as an activity, the inappropriateness of mentioning the volume of that non-activity, the uncomfortably gynecological detail of mentioning it at all — all combine to make a cringeworthy sentence. And since it’s only five words long, its impact is instant; you don’t have readers slogging through clause after clause after clause.”

You can find archived lists of contest winners at his website – I reread these every few months, and I can guarantee they’ll make you examine your own writing more closely. Enjoy!

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Comments (16)

  1. I’m sitting here, quietly ovulating, while I write this response. Fun post. Congratulations on completing your first one! And thanks for turning me on to a new way to waste time on the Internet.

    posted by Rachel on 6-17-2010 at 9:26 am

  2. Thus begins the flossings of Will Treece, who, though he may not be standing in the corner quietly ovulating, shall nevertheless give birth to wondrous, thought-provoking and challenging ideas and puzzles for us, the suckling masses, to feed on.

    Courage!

    posted by Mark on 6-17-2010 at 9:35 am

  3. Awesome post! I actually love to try to enter the BULWER Lytton every year with a couple of ‘Vile Pun’ entries.

    I’ve never been considered BAD enough to make it onto the list, but this year I have what – IMHO – I think is a fairly good groaner. I’d just be happy w/ a miscellaneous ‘Dis’honorable Mention… but am still waiting for the results! ;-(

    posted by Amy on 6-17-2010 at 9:44 am

  4. “…quietly ovulating.” You bastard, I just spit out my coffee all over my keyboard!!! That is the funniest thing I’ll read all year, I’m sure. And I’ll probably be stuck thinking about it all day. Welcome to the MF fold.

    posted by bubba on 6-17-2010 at 9:49 am

  5. God help us if we ever run into someone ovulating loudly.

    posted by Miss Cellania on 6-17-2010 at 10:18 am

  6. Thanks Miss Cellania, now I can’t stop laughing and actually work. Not that I was going to anyway!

    posted by Wendy on 6-17-2010 at 11:17 am

  7. I loved this sentence. I will use it today…

    How will I use it? I don’t know.

    @Miss Cellania
    Hahahaha, I know right!!!

    posted by Chrystani on 6-17-2010 at 11:46 am

  8. @Miss Cellania…

    My sentiments EGGSactly!

    posted by Amy on 6-17-2010 at 12:36 pm

  9. How did he know?? I was so quiet about it!

    posted by Jennifer on 6-17-2010 at 12:56 pm

  10. Could entirely depend on the context though. One of my favorite novels have the line “She sat there eating grapes and gestated carefully” or something along the lines. It involves a woman from a planet were people no longer bear their own young who gets pregnant. I can see that “Jennifer stood there, quietly ovulating.” could be a very powerful sentance in the right setting.

    posted by Angela on 6-17-2010 at 2:32 pm

  11. “God help us if we ever run into someone ovulating loudly.”

    Now that I’m menopausal I find that I don’t ovulate as quietly as I used to.
    >:|

    posted by Donna on 6-17-2010 at 2:52 pm

  12. So, I had not heard of this contest. It’s a fantastic, hilarious contest.

    One thing though: my name’s Litten.
    Bahahahah.

    posted by Cat on 6-17-2010 at 3:49 pm

  13. I think “loudly ovulating” would be even more cringe-inducing.

    posted by 8rustystaples on 6-17-2010 at 4:45 pm

  14. hahahahahaha thats gonna be stuck in mai young developing mind all day xP

    posted by cassy on 6-17-2010 at 7:44 pm

  15. I love this contest. I think my favorites include:

    “Fukutsuru died in 2005 but his frozen sperm lived on for people’s benefit.”
    “I really hope you like this book, because I wrote the whole thing totally naked!”
    “Gordon strove to be a nice pimp.”
    “Monica had exploded, and I had a mystery, and pieces of her pancreas, on my hands.”
    “John, surfing, said to his mother, surfing beside him, ‘How do you like surfing?’”
    “Critics are calling me a fat cat, viciously ignoring the fact that I’ve been working out.”
    “Anamaria had already gotten up obviously because there was no Anamaria in Anamaria’s bed.”

    And that’s just the best of the stuff I had in a file on my computer.

    posted by Sillstaw on 6-18-2010 at 12:30 am

  16. Ohhhh how my face hurts from laughing…

    posted by M on 6-18-2010 at 12:24 pm

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