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They might not win — heck, getting on the ballot is a victory for these candidates — but third-party presidential hopefuls are part of what keep America’s election cycle interesting. No, we’re not talking about the Greens, Libertarians or even the Constitution Party (fronting such luminaries as Jim Gilchrist, founder of the home-grown border patrol Minutemen Project). Today we’re more interested in the really little guys, like Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey, sole candidate from the Vampires, Witches and Pagans party. A Satanic vampire running on an “impale criminals” platform, perhaps the most surprising thing about him is that he’s run for office several times before — including once as a Republican in Florida. (His name back then? Rocky “Hurricane” Flash. He lost, perhaps because Floridians are a little touchy about the whole hurricane thing.) Here’s a little about what he stands for, in his own words:
“I have a 13 point plan that includes better benefits for farmers and veterans. I will also give more funding to our school system and fix the pot holes on our city streets. Not to mention the FACT that I will personally impale any and all wrong doers in the steps of the Governor’s mansion. If you are a child molester, rapist, drug dealer or terrorist you will be IMPALED!”
“Average Joe” Schriner is campaigning on the platform that he’s just like the rest of us — whatever that means. This is his third presidential election bid, and he and his family typically spend about three months on the road campaigning per election. Vermont’s Cris Ericson is currently organizing to run as a candidate in the Marijuana Party (I don’t think we need to explain their platform; it certainly doesn’t involve impaling anyone). Her Myspace page points out that “In your entire life, Democrats and Republicans have not made marijuana legal!”
Lest we forget, there’s also John Bowles of the American Nazi Party (notable among other positions we needn’t elaborate upon here, he advocates free college educations for all (white people) and shorter working hours (for white people)). On the other end of the political spectrum, Lanakila Washington and his Humanist Party press for nuclear disarmament, equal rights, clean energy and “making America a land of music, culture and education.” (I think “Make America a land of music” is one of the best platforms I’ve heard yet.)
There are plenty more — check out politics1.com — but honestly it’s hard enough keeping track of all the candidates who actually have a snowball’s chance of winning. Sometimes, though, the sideshow is more interesting than the main event.
These faux-candidates have nothing on the original original — Ron. Ron is many things to many people, but first and foremost, he is a rockin’ presidential candidate. Ron does have a unique style (and odor), but we at the Ronatarian Party feel that he is truly the future of a better United States of America. Ron in ‘08!
posted by Esteban Bittlestein on 6-26-2007 at 8:06 am
He’s no crazier, and probably less dangerous than Bush.
posted by Bassman on 6-26-2007 at 10:36 am
My favorite isn’t even running as an independent; he’s running as a Republican. His name is Saint Michael Jesus Archangel. Now this guy is nuts! Here’s a little excerpt about him from Politics1:
“This gadfly candidate — who also uses the name “Saint Michael Jesus the Archangel” (note: formerly named Philip Silva until he legally adopted the Archangel moniker in 1996) — appears rather delusional. “From the time I was a little boy I knew I was God and Michael the Archangel, but I didn’t dare tell anyone, not even anyone in my family because I knew that the devil, Satan, was going to try to murder Me, and indeed he did try, four separate times,” he explains. He says he’s a Vietnam War veteran who attempted suicide due to depression and paranoia. He also claims he later became a “a volunteer Secret Agent for the Central Intelligence Agency without pay.” A former janitor, he is a self-employed “writer” these days. As for politics, he describes himself as a “radical conservative Republican” who recognizes “the fact that America is an official Theocracy.” Archangel was arrested on attempted murder and other felony charges in March 2006. “As a matter of fact, he is crazy. Anyone in their right mind can see that,” said the Sheriff who arrested him.”
His website is littered with oddities and is enough to keep one entertained for hours.
posted by Anthony on 6-26-2007 at 10:51 am
Right-wingers are ‘reactionary’, Left-wingers are ‘radical’.
Anybody describing themselves otherwise need to get a dictionary, but I suspect the only book in their homes is TV Guide.
posted by Doc on 6-26-2007 at 12:11 pm
I think I’ll vote for Cthulhu instead. Why settle for a lesser evil…
posted by Jason! on 6-26-2007 at 3:24 pm
re: St. Michael Jesus the Archangel
I’m not able to link to it, but there’s an awesome picture of St. Michael Jesus at his website, where he’s posed with a sword and dagger.
The hilarious thing, though, is the photo is stamped with the Olan Mills logo.
He didn’t get a friend or spouse to take it at home. Oh, no. Some terrified Olan Mills employee had this freak come in with a sword and dagger.
posted by Jon H on 6-26-2007 at 9:12 pm
Hey! That guy is wearing my bath towel…. Really!!!
posted by sonicfrog on 6-26-2007 at 9:16 pm
I wouldn’t doubt that the Olan Mills employee knew the Archangel … he’s been a figure around town for years and years.
He used to have a tv show on cable access. For awhile, he decided he was a nudist, but they made him wear a robe on his show. I think I have it on tape somewhere.
When the movie “Michael” came out, he called the local theater (where I worked at the time) and asked if he could come and sign autographs in the lobby.
We declined, but he turned up anyway and stood in the lobby sort of surveying the crowd with pride.
Dunno if he’s still locked up …
posted by midlander on 7-2-2007 at 8:54 pm
Wow…as a pagan I’m a little shocked to see that
1. there’s a political party trying to claim to support the religion
and
2. they picked -that guy- to represent it
Seriously people….pagans aren’t all like that, most of us are normal.
posted by raelynx on 9-3-2008 at 2:44 pm
Raelynx: the post said he is a “satanic vampire”. People are always confusing us pagans with them… I personally do not want to be associated with that guy, or his “political party”.
posted by Anthea on 9-3-2008 at 4:47 pm