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Believe it or not, we’re begging you to spoil the book for us. Heck, we’ll even give you a prize for it! You see, back when Seinfeld ended, we were certain that Jerry would ask Elaine to marry him. Instead he ended up in jail. Then when The Sopranos finished, we thought Tony would end up in jail. Instead he ordered food and listened to Journey. And then when Jay Z officially retired, we thought, this one’s easy—the guy’s retiring. Then he released another album. So now that the final Harry Potter book is coming out, we have no clue what’s going to happen.
That’s why we’re turning to you. mental_floss is holding a Harry Potter Spoiler Contest. Think Harry will convince Voldemort to settle their dispute in a massive game of Rock, Paper, Scissors? Do you think Hogwarts will cave in to desegregation laws and start allowing Muggles to attend classes? Will David Blaine make a cameo? Simply post your prediction to the comments below. The Winner (whoever makes us grin widest with the funnest, wildest, or most genuinely surprising ending) gets a copy of the hilarious book Milk, Eggs, Vodka, plus the mental_floss t-shirt of his/her choice. Oh, and we’ll have runner-up prizes too. So, Accio Endings already!
Comments (190)
Comment
I think that either Harry Potter or Dumbledore will die. I think Hermione and Ron will fall in love. I also predict that Voldemort won’t actually be destroyed because J.K.Rowling wants to leave it open to continue the series later in life when she decides she needs more money.
posted by Ginger on 7-11-2007 at 6:32 pm
I think that harry will die and Nevil will end up being the true super power wizzard to defeat voldermort.
posted by Luna on 7-11-2007 at 6:53 pm
My real guess? Neville will die and a bunch of other stuff will happen. What I think SHOULD happen?
Hmmm…
Harry, Ron, and Hermione will go to meet Voldemort in some quaint English town. Along the way, they will meet various characters, including one of Ron’s brothers, Hermione’s weird Muggle parents, that Quidditch guy from book #4 (Victor something-or-other, I think), a very small person who wants to be an opera singer but comes with Harry and friends instead, and possibly a group of Gwen Stefani look-alikes. In the quaint English village, Harry and Voldemort will battle for some time face to face. Eventually Voldemort will be defeated and everyone killed by him will miraculously appear, but Harry and his parents and everyone else will only have time for a very brief reunion before all of the previously dead people spontaneously become badgers and are promptly shooed away by local authorities. Harry and friends and dwarf will return to Hogwarts, where Harry will finish the term and turn down the Defense Against the Dark Arts teaching position that is offered to him, and will instead travel the globe looking for Voldemort’s old followers and the perfect chocolate souffle (I don’t know how to spell that; if that was wrong, I hope you know what I mean); the operatic dwarf will take the DATDA position instead. Ron and Hermione will get in an argument over who has smaller ears and will go their seperate ways, but by coincedence will both take up breeding Siamese cats when they’re in their mid-20s. The teachers at Hogwarts will all take a cruise to Hong Kong over summer vacation but will return to their jobs in the fall and things will go on as usual at Hogwarts, with the exceptions of the new DADTA dwarf, some badgers that found their way there, and a large live lobster that took up residence in the Great Hall sometime in Chapter 6. Unfortunately, due to a printing error, nearly 250 readers will not know about said lobster, as the entire chapter was printed in Egyptian Heirogyphics. Copies like this will be sold for lots of money on ebay, but that’s a different story entirely.
On another note:
Ginger, have you read book #6? Just checking.
posted by Pointy-Hatted Geek on 7-11-2007 at 7:00 pm
Oh my, that was long. Sorry. I guess I got a little carried away.
posted by Pointy-Hatted Geek on 7-11-2007 at 7:03 pm
I think Harry will ask Hermoine to marry him while they’re ordering food at a diner. Ron will get pissed and fight him. Because of this they’ll both go to jail where they’ll listen to Journey for months on end. And when Harry finally gets out, he’ll release an album about how hard it is in the slammer, and how he’s getting his life back in order.
posted by AbbyB on 7-11-2007 at 7:03 pm
Pointy-Hatted Geek:
I’ve read all of them but it’s been a while since I’ve read it. Why?
posted by Ginger on 7-11-2007 at 7:08 pm
I think that neville will be key, and that ultimately Harry will create a new school, or take over hogwarts as it is. and that snape will prove to be his long lost Daddie. or wait, was that star Wars?
Ginger needs to catch up.
posted by buttercup on 7-11-2007 at 7:10 pm
ok, clearly Ginger didn’t read book 6…
also, I think that JKR has more money than she could ever know what to do with, and is probably pretty darn bored of that little boy wizard.
Harry is toast. Hagrid is toast. Voldemort is toast. Nevile will step up to the plate and save the day. Hermione will free the house elves. Ron will become a pro quidditch player. Sirius will come back from the beyond and he and Lupin will come out as a couple. Seamus will become mayor of hogsmeade. Ginny will become a nun. Luna Lovegood will become minister of magic. Draco will go into Saint Mungo’s and come out a witch instead of a wizard.
posted by moonablaze on 7-11-2007 at 7:11 pm
Not reading anything here. No.
I scrolled to the bottom and changed the window height so I can’t see any comments.
In fact, I’m leaving the Internet until the book is out and I’ve read it.
Bye. :)
posted by Eric on 7-11-2007 at 7:34 pm
Oh, and for those thinking I’m crazy: the last book was spoiled for me 2 weeks before it came out.
I clicked on an innocent titled forum thread and there was a *big* picture of a certain page number with a certain sentence circled in red.
Ugh.. :P
posted by Eric on 7-11-2007 at 7:36 pm
Here’s what’s going to happen:
Ron + Hermione
Harry + Ginny
Dumbledore and Voldemort are actually the same person, Fight Club style. Now that “Dumbledore” is dead, “Voldemort” can have full power. A fight will ensue. Two possibilities for endings:
a. Harry kills “Voldemort” and then realizes his horrible, horrible mistake.
b. Voldemort tries to kill Harry, but Ron tries to save him and dies trying.
And that’s my prediction :)
posted by Lauren on 7-11-2007 at 8:00 pm
Harry will wake up to find that IT WAS ALL A DREAM!!!!!!
posted by Mel on 7-11-2007 at 8:14 pm
It’s decided that American reality TV is the cruelest form of modern competion, so our hero and villian do battle on various show. Voldemort is not smarter than a fifth grader, Harry in all actuality can’t dance, but in the end, they face off in the ultimate battle: The Singing Bee. Harry can’t remember all the words to “Karam Camelon”; Voldy wins.
posted by Heather on 7-11-2007 at 8:23 pm
voldemort will be killed by Harry and due to a freak accidentin the process, all the wizards will become muggles…and dragon alley will become a alternative lifestyle kind of street…
posted by subbu on 7-11-2007 at 8:25 pm
Dumbledore will come back with his new friends Jim Morrison, Elvis, and 2Pac Shakur…and the undead foursome will save Harry’s tail at the last minute!
posted by Beth on 7-11-2007 at 8:26 pm
Well now, if there are no Gwen Stefani look-alikes in the last book I’m going to be very disappointed. Pointy-Hatted Geek – you just set the bar too high for me.
posted by Zombie on 7-11-2007 at 8:28 pm
Well first of all, Sirius isn’t dead. He just went for a little stroll around the ministry, tickling ministry workers and so on.
Once he comes back, Harry, Ron, and Hermione are going to go on some valiant quest to kill ole Voldy, but not before they learn some life lessons like Not to put a wand in the microwave and that Dementor babies DO NOT MAKE GOOD PETS!
Skip to the final battle and while we think it’s getting quite sirius(i did in fact JUST make that kind of a joke) Draco kills daddy dearest while he screams I LOVE HERMIONE GRANGER! Naturally what’s a girl to do but profess her love to him.
In the end Harry lives, marries ginny and has lots of messy haired babies, Ron goes off and marries Loony Luna and has babies with the emotional range of a teaspoon. Lastly Hermione and Draco have pale bookworm children and everyone lives happily ever after.
Except for Snape, he *regretfully* drowned in his hair as he slept, apparently the grease got a bit too greasy.
:)
posted by Rachel on 7-11-2007 at 8:37 pm
Let’s see…we all know Dumbledore’s coming back, and Harry, Ron, and Hermione will go after the horcruxes (the remaining pieces of Voldmort’s soul). Snape will turn out to be good, and I’m guessing Neville Longbottom will play an important part in knocking the ol’ Dark Lord off for good. Keep in mind people, Rowling is smart enough to not kill a good franchise by running it on too long (see: Star Wars). Instead, she’ll finish this series, then start a new one about the first war with Voldemort. It makes perfect marketing, not to mention, writing sense. The characters are already halfway developed, people already identify with the younger versions of Dumbledore, Sirius, James potter, etc. I’m looking to an “early days” series for the continuation of Harry Potter!
posted by Will R on 7-11-2007 at 8:43 pm
Two words: Zombie Dumbledore.
posted by Maxine on 7-11-2007 at 9:10 pm
Will R: Funny thing is, that’s *exactly* what I told my brother I would do if I were JK (Prequel as opposed to sequal), and for the exact same reasons.
Now, on to the way I’d like to see Deathly Hallows end-
Harry learns how his father and friends did that whole “turning into animals thing”, and uses it to turn himself into a mosquito. He flies undetected into the cave where Voldemort, Osama, and that Cubs Fan (the one who caught the baseball) are all hiding from their respective haters. He bites all of them (twice for the Cubs fan), and they all contract a deadly case of Yellow Fever. After returning to Hogsmeade, he gets Hermoine sloshed and in a weak moment they jet off (er, broom off) to get married in Vegas. Naturally, Ron gets rattled that he’s lost his gal and challenges Harry to a wizards dual (ala Sword in the Stone). All sorts of hilarious hijinks ensue, including Ron tricking Harry into turning into a fourheaded centaur, which almost gets caught by a very resourceful and covetous Hagrid. Harry ends up winning when Ron turns into a weasel and gets eaten by Buckbeak (er, Witherwings), but by that time Hermoine has left Harry for Neville. Brokenhearted, Harry leaves for America and ends up running for governor of California on the “Wand in every pocket” platform.
posted by LinuXtreme on 7-11-2007 at 9:23 pm
um, Will, isn’t that EXACTLY what Lucas did with Star Wars?
posted by moonablaze on 7-11-2007 at 9:23 pm
Harry is going to find an ancient book; the Electric Kool-Aide Wizard Test, which will explain a long-lost spell, the Flower Vox. Harry will use the spell on Voldemort during the “final battle” and spread the “fury” of flower power upon the wizarding community! A little somethin’ somethin’ to celebrate the 40th anniversary of the Summer of Love.
posted by Edward on 7-11-2007 at 9:34 pm
Harry Potter is the last Horcrux, because when Volemort attacked him he left a bit of his power in Harry. So Harry Potter must die
posted by Graham on 7-11-2007 at 9:40 pm
The trio of Harry, Hermione and Ron will stumble upon a Gem of Retro that will have them all returned to the age we first saw them, and they will strive to employ this power to the rest of Hogwarts.
Then, with Dumbeldore fully restored to his Richard Harris goodness, we’ll start the series anew, and we can all experience the neatness of that first novel again. Only with newer pop references.
And Voldemort ends up being Snape after all.
posted by Johnny Cat on 7-11-2007 at 9:51 pm
All right. Hold on to your robes.
Hogwarts closes after the Dumbledore era. Harry and Ron set out across the European landscape searching for horcluxes. Ron and Harry are attacked at night by werewolf Lupin. Ron dies, Harry is maimed but survives. He awakes days later in a muggle hospital, and falls in love with a transexual nurse. Over the course of a few weeks, he has recurring nightmares involving eating gazelles and other people. He shacks up with the nurse.
Meanwhile, Malfoy, distraught by his failure to kill Dumbledore, goes blind, deaf, and dumb. Snape takes him back to Voldemort who is caught in bed with Malfoy’s mother. Voldemort kills Snape with a lamp. Malfoy becomes a prominant pinball player.
Ms. Weasley is hit by an errant muggle car. She deliriously wanders into Hermionie’s muggle parents home and sleeps there. She soon falls in love with Hermionie’s mother, but is soon taken out of her dreamlike stupor by realizing Ms. Granger doesn’t love her, and her entire perception of reality is shattered.
Harry is visited by a decomposing Ron. Ron urges him to kill himself and take the outside chance that Neville is the savior of wizard kind. Harry is skeptical.
Due to rampant incompetence, Fudge is retired but signs with the Los Angeles Dodgers and bats .312, but they lose the world series to the Tigers. Flavor Flav gets a reality show on VH1 about his search for a Minister of Magic.
Neville cannot hope to do any damage to Voldemort. So, he learns some spells and turns into Ted Nugent. Ginny helps him by transforming herself into Jean-Claude Van Damme. (No Chuck Norris).
More of Voldemort’s origins are revealed. He tried to get into art school but failed. He won over the wizard community with rabid ambition, and breaks ties with Stalin.
Harry transforms into the wolf and kills six muggles. Ron’s corpse implores him to take his own life.
The twins become gynecologists. They invent all sorts of frightening tools to perform their bizarre rituals with. Fred becomes addicted to pills.
Harry, while hiding from the authorities, finds Crab and Goyle. He encounters them, but they pretend to blow themselves up, leaving only an ear. Harry tracks them down to Malfoy’s house. Malfoy’s father performs unspeakable sexual acts upon them while inhaling an anonymous gas from his tank and cussing them out. Harry falls in love with Crab and Goyle and tries to save them.
Neville (the Nuge) and Ginny (Van Damme) defeat Voldemort after he admits that he killed Bill Wesley by dropping a piano on him. Nugent figures out Voldemort himself is a toon, and wants to destroy toon town for his own finacial gain. He is dipped and dies.
But what of Harry? He blows Malfoy’s father away. Crab and Goyle turn out to be the old farm hands and not lacking in brains or courage at all.
Harry is cured of his lycanthropy by a kindly old Max Von Snydow. He casts his werewolf traits into Father Karras, who kills himself.
Unfortunatly, Harry finds out Cho gave birth to his son. He confronts her, but Nuclear War starts. He casts away his past after Cho commits suicide, and wanders the desolate waste land with his son and all their belongings in a shopping cart, avoiding cannibals and trying to make it south before they freeze or starve.
As the book is released, the entire world looses its reason to live, and the world is sucked through a wormhole as a monotonous voice intones “daisy… daisy… give me your answer do….” Harry is reborn as a star baby who stares into the camera as the movie ends.
posted by Alex Kies on 7-11-2007 at 9:55 pm
Okay here we go. Prince Charles enters the train station because he has to keep his CO2 emmission down and bumbling ends up finding the secret track to Hogwarts. While there, he gets lost in the forest, far too absorbed in noting down all the new form of flora and fauna.
Fortunately, Camilla had been following him and ends up not for behind. She had been chatting up Heather Mills McCartney about the upcoming Spice Girls reunion. Both Camilla and Heather Mills stumble into Hogwarts as well.
Harry immediately falls for Heather Mills, while Hermione sneaks back into the Muggle world to put the moves on Paul McCartney. Harry and Heather dance under the “stars” (get it?) at night in front of a panel of judges. They earn a perfect 10 across the board.
Camilla, after performing her duties as a celebrity judge, decides to place Hogwarts under investigation for child endangerment and tax evasion.
Heather and Harry sneak out to the Muggle world and encourage the Spice Girls to give a benefit concert at Hogwarts to help pay off those back taxes. Elton John gets wind of this and wants to come along. Bono is eager to protect the delicate ecosystem surrounding Hogwarts and agrees to do the concert while secretly negociating to buy all the land and turn it into a sanctuary where eco-toursits can visit for 200 British pounds per day. He fights off the Disney Corp who decides this would actually be the perfect place for Euro-Disney!
Paul McCartney is asked to play at the benefit concert and he arrives with his new fiancee, Hermione.
Heather Mills and Harry Potter, both upset at the snuggling and snogging of Paul and Hermione, decide on the spot to get engaged as well.
Scary Spice falls in love with Voldemorte, and wouldn’t you know — with a little TLC he mends his ways and becomes a force of goodness.
Sporty Spice heads up the cheerleading squad for Quidditch matches.
Baby Spice has pity sex with Ron, but when he steps up to the plate and proposes to her afterwards, she agrees. Because, like, “why not?” you know?
Scary Spice is elected to forever guard the secret entrance at the train station, making her the world’s most important bouncer.
Posh Spice declined to take part in the reunion tour and slowly but surely fades from everyone’s memory.
Paul writes a gorgeous love song for Hermione which plays while the closing credits scroll. In silhouette, we see Harry and Heather, dancing around in the moonlight. By their non-verbal communication, we can see their relationship is doomed, doomed, doomed…. which will make for one hell of a sequel!!!!!
posted by Sadia Carone on 7-11-2007 at 9:59 pm
Harry will destroy all the Horcruxes, the most difficult being the red clown nose Voldmort used to disguise himself when he was a carny. In the final battle, a complex curse, Cheesy Musicalis, cast accidentally by Neville as he battles Bellatrix will cause everyone to break out into synchronized dance to classic British pop hits. Realizing the dead usefulness of “jump, jive, and wail,” Harry and Voldmort put their differences aside and begin touring with the Icecapades. Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione work together as couples’ counselors and Ginny, sickened by Harry’s pursuit of the perfect triple lutz triple toe loop, discovers her love for women, and begins dating Luna Lovegood.
At the 10 year Hogwarts reunion, those unruly teens find it’s as if no time has passed, and rekindle the glowing embers of their forgotten friendships into roaring Floo Network-esque fires.
posted by Mej on 7-11-2007 at 10:06 pm
i think shes gonna kill off both of them…Harry and Voldemort that is
posted by Stevie on 7-11-2007 at 10:13 pm
Harry destroys Voldemort and opens a Kwik-E-Mart…Ron marries Hermione and goes to work at the local nuclear power plant…Dumbledore counts his galleons in his portrait and mumbles ‘excellent’…
posted by donner on 7-11-2007 at 10:22 pm
Harry faces the ultimate dilemma:
Hermione is the final Horcrux.
He has no other choice.
Harry finds her studying in the Gryffindor common room. No one else is around. Her eyes are focused on the parchment in front of her and she’s oblivious to his movements. Her hands are moving furiously across the scroll.
He approaches her from behind.
With a shaky hand, his wand points to the back of her neck… the time has come.
“AVADA K—”
He’s unable to finish it.
At that exact same moment, Hermione had spun around and Harry saw what she had written down.
Harry screamed, “NO!”
———
What was written down?
J.K. Rowling is saving that for the newly announced Books 8 through 14.
(You think she’s letting this cash cow get away anytime soon…?)
posted by Hemant on 7-11-2007 at 11:17 pm
The ending’ll go something like this:
Harry: “Phew! There’s the snaky freak done in.”
Ginny: “who thought all it’d take was an act of love while fighting him”
Harry: Boy i’m sure tired out. My energies are sapped a la Frodo.
Ginny: U mean him and Sam…?
Sirius: Harry dude! good job man!
Dumbledore:
Harry: What’re you smiling about now? everything’s revealed already.
Dumbledore: That’s what u think.
Ginny: sheesh.
Sirius: So we were wondering if being all tired out you’d like to enjoy life on this side? come beyond the veil. It’s pretty chill.
plaintive lament: are we there yet?
Ginny: Ohmygod! i think that’s frodo!
off the ship he appears with a hot elf on each arm.
– guess where harry’s going?
and part 8 is taken care of.
posted by Meghna on 7-12-2007 at 12:58 am
Bill and Ted play Voldemort in a game of battleships and win and he like…shrivels up and melts away, wicked witch-style.
Sirius comes back and is all “harry come live with me” but is killed again, so Harry is force to move in with his Aunty and Uncle in Bel Air.
He whistles for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said “Fresh” and had a dice in the mirror.
If anything he says “this cab is rare…” but he thinks “naw forget it. YO HOLMES TO BEL AIR!”
posted by esso on 7-12-2007 at 1:26 am
I think Hermione will die. Ron will end up teaching at Hogwarts. Maybe Defense of the Dark Arts. Harry will eventually become the leader at Hogwarts.
posted by Christie on 7-12-2007 at 6:11 am
Harry will wake up and realize it was all a dream. He’s just a dorky high school kid with no friends!
posted by Barbara on 7-12-2007 at 6:13 am
Harry gets laid!!!
posted by Darryl on 7-12-2007 at 6:35 am
Harry & Voldemort battle and Harry prevails. Harry goes on to be the savior for Wizards, Witches, and Muggles everywhere. Voldemort is banished to the mortal world and he spends the remainer of his life trying to prove he’s still got it by solving the mental_floss quizzes.
posted by charlie on 7-12-2007 at 6:59 am
Neville saves the wizarding and muggle worlds from destruction at the hands of Voldemort and Harry becomes the new DADA professor.
posted by srah on 7-12-2007 at 7:23 am
Luna got it right.
Neville is the real one V-mort is after, the clue is in the order of the Phoeniz…nevilee and Harry have the same birthdate and the prophecy per the Trelawney’s mother was for Neville not Harry
posted by ATC on 7-12-2007 at 7:26 am
a. ron and hermione better makeout.
b. Neville will die
c. Harry and voldemort= i’m torn because I feel like they either both have to live or both have to die and I think they’re both going to die. And this depresses me a whole lot.
posted by Ashley on 7-12-2007 at 7:30 am
I think Harry will sacrifice his life to save his friends. Ron will become a Quittich coach and marry Hermione, who will teach Defense Against the Dark Arts. Neville and Ginny become a couple.
posted by cheri on 7-12-2007 at 7:52 am
Things get hectic in the seventh book when Professor Sinistra (the Astrology Professor we have yet to hear from) reveals that she is really Snapes long lost daughter Snap.
She tells him that she has watched him for years in hopes that he would recognize her. Snape denies the accusation but Snap reminds him of his love affair with Magelda Hoggleflop, a lady of the evening, who Snape fell madly in love with years before but left her when she turned out to be a Squib who liked to practice taxidermy on cats and singing in the local ladies of the evening choir in her spare time.
Snape and Snap embrace in a tearful embrace promising neve to leave each other again.
Hagrid gets a surprise when Buckbeak the hippogriff talks to him one morning when Hagrid is tending his pumpkin patch. Buckbeak, speaking in a voice that sounds much like the call of the dreaded Hootchie Kootchie bird, tells Hagrid of his undying love for him. In a tearful hug, Hagrid reveals how much he loves Buckbeak.
They make a plan to marry later that year, despite several strict wizarding laws that prohibit the marriage of man to beast. Buckbeak tells Hagrid that he doesn’t want to wear white. It wouldn’t be proper, he tells him.
Developments are also brewing with Ron and Hermione. After finally confessing their love, the two plan to elope soon and strengthen their bond in marriage. But Hermione has a dangerous secret to reveal before they can wed: Her name is really Hermes Granger.
Born a boy to parents who really wanted a girl, they have been dressing her like a girl for years. Both parents are plastic surgeons, not dentists. That was just a cover story. Hermione (or rather Hermes) waits patiently to hear what Ron has to say.
She doesn’t need to worry. Ron, to Hermiones amazment, reveals that his name is not really Ron. It is Ronnelle. Born the only girl in a family of boys, Rons parents had to keep his true gender a secret. He is the subject of a great prophecy: One day a girl will be born who will become Gilderoy Lockhearts wife.
Mr. Weasley, not wanting his daughter to marry an egotistical pansy, disguised her as a boy in hopes to keep her from fulfilling the prophecy. The two engage in a tearful embrace, professing their love for each other and start planning their wedding. Hermione wonders who gets to wear the wedding dress.
Harry goes to battle Voldemort with a secret weapon up his sleeve. He knows that Voldemort can’t stand anything having to do with Muggles so he plans to assult Voldemort with the most horrible Muggle thing imaginable: Barry Manilow music.
Armed with a stereo and several hours of Barry Manilow classic hits, Voldemort admits defeat and apologizes for all he’s done. When Harry asks him why he became so evil Voldemort explains that it wasn’t his fault.
Ever since he was a child, his father had told him that girls like bad boys. Voldemort tells Harry that he figured if he was a bad boy, an evil boy, he’d get all the girls he could ever want. Since he couldn’t ride a motorcycle (he wasn’t able to get his liscence) he decided to go on a killing spree instead.
Professor McGonnagal rushes out of the bushes, professing her love to Voldemort. She tells him that she’s always loved him, thats he finds bald men with no noses and red eyes very sexy. They want to marry straight away.
Harry conducts the tripple wedding and all three couples (Hermes and Ronnelle, Hagrid and Buckbeak, Voldemort and Minerva McGonnagal) have love in their eyes. Snape and Snap look on as witnesses.
After the wedding, Hermes asks Harry what he plans to do now.
Shyly, Harry looks around and makes sure that no one else is listening. “Well,” he says. “there’s something I’ve always dreamed of doing…”
“What is it?” Ronelle asks.
“It’s silly,” Harry tells them. “You’re going to laugh at me.”
“No, we’re not, honest!” Hermes says.
“I’ve always wanted….to be a dancer!” Harry says to his shocked friends. “I want to dance!”
Harry goes on to win awards and star in The Great Hogsmead Ballet Company winning starring roles and ends up dancing, and falling in love with, Gilderoy Lockheart.
The two plan to marry later this year.
posted by Jamieson Wolf on 7-12-2007 at 7:53 am
Having never read even one sentence of the series (though I must admit I like the books’ covers), my guess is as follows:
Potter did it in the study with a candlestick.
I’ll also add this: JK Rowling isn’t her real name, it’s actually Jig Klnorw, a perfect anagram!
posted by David on 7-12-2007 at 8:13 am
Hermione and Ron make some witchy love. (It involves a vibrating wand, don’t ask.) Hermione ends up pregnant. The baby is born over Hogwarts Spring Break. The baby is 1/2 giant & it turns out that Hagrid is the real dad! Ron drops out of school to work in his brother’s prank shop in Diagon Alley. Harry, sincere & dedicated to the end, tries to find a way to gather Horcruxes and revive Dumbledore. He battles various and sundry, while (good)Snape (and his evil IDENTICAL twin brother) take turns; one helping Harry and the other hurting him. Neville skulks through moving staircases stalking Harry, turns out he’s in love. All the while Neville is being stalked by Draco. In the end, Draco realizes he is only a such a bastard because he has had to remain in the closet all these years. Finally, Draco and Neville come together in rainbow-colored school robes & upon finding their love, decide to help Harry. Since it is Draco’s uptight and repressive Dad that can get them into the Dark Side to do battle, they use his power and influence to get to Voldemort. In the end, Voldemort is killed. Ron can’t hack it outside of Hogwarts and without Hermione, so he kills himself. The only remaining mystery, is whether he drank the butterbeer to excess accidentally or on purpose.
posted by Deirdre on 7-12-2007 at 8:15 am
I think Voldemort stumbles upon the Weasley’s joke shop and wants to become a partner. He opens a joke shop of his own and disowns the Death eaters. The Death Eaters aren’t sure what to do now so they go back to their normal lives. Harry and Ginny marry, Ron and Hermoine marry, and Neville and Luna marry. They all live happily ever after!
posted by greenety on 7-12-2007 at 8:24 am
I think that just as Harry is about to finish off ol’ Voldie, we’ll learn that Voldemort is actually Harry’s older brother, who, unloved by his parents, lived neglected and alone. Voldemort will prove his heritage by showing Harry the lighting shaped birthmark on his backside :-) the ugly, horrible truth behind Harry’s scar will be divulged in book eight, which is being co-authored by Stephen King.
posted by Marie on 7-12-2007 at 8:26 am
Harry, finally given the chance to vanquish the three men he hates most, will be overcome by guilt, nostalgia, and pity. Voldemort, Snape, and Malfoy will be spared and out of pure shock will fail to act as Harry slumps away. They will, however, forge ahead in their misdoings with confidence, Draco excluded as he doesn’t take to unpampered life outside of his manor very well. He flees and returns to Hogwarts to spend the rest of his days under the care of Argus Filch and Mrs. Norris who have been lonely since the crossing-over of Peeves.
Harry will realize the damage he did to the world by allowing Voldemort to survive but will not be emotionally ready to kill. He will withdrawl himself from the magical world and gradually become a permanent fixture in a seedy, Ukranian Hookah bar. Kudos to Dobby and Moaning Myrtle for being Harry’s only correspondents who are not so swamped in sappy sensuality that they fail to notice his opium abuse.
Planning an intervention is just not feasible for a ghost or house elf, so they decide instead to follow Harry’s example. Their weak self concepts prevent them from questioning his actions and they readily alter their lifestyles to match his, including his gradual decline in personal hygiene. After squandering his fortune on tye-dye, drugs, and televangelist scams Harry returns to the wizarding world as an international drug lord.
It is not long before nearly every non-evil wizard, witch, and creature become sapped and incompetent stoners, essentially untasty vegetables. Those not crippled by drug addiction become dissatisfied with their no-longer fresh relationships and become similarly apathetic.
With no notice taken of the countless horrible deeds performed by Voldemort and his deatheaters, the dark side of the world become bored and restless. There isn’t any fun in antagonizing when there is no response, retaliation, or at the least acknowlegement. Having lost their purpose, many fade out of existence. Others take up knitting and move to the suburbs. The rest become politicians in the muggle world for the simple pleasure of hassling someone, even if they aren’t magically aware.
R.A.B., Regulus A Black, will return from whereever he has been since he destroyed a couple of horcruxes and vanished. Once a commrad of Snape and also an avid dabbler in opiets, he invites his old buddy to share joints in his childhood home. They fall asleep together, Snape’s hair catching fire and starting the conflagration which ends in their deaths.
1983 years later a poor archeologist stumbles across a preserved acre or so of this dead culture and makes several innaccurate conclusions, a series of dry historical and scientific pamphlets, and earns millions after the completion of his museum for “Study of Ancient Sea Critters: The Missing Link Between Sea Cucumbers and the Modern Butterfly.” He discovers on his death bed the meaning of life and raspilly mutters, “42″ to a very ugly nurse with red eyes and slit-like nostrils…
posted by Karen on 7-12-2007 at 8:32 am
Because this is such a huge event, I’m sure the ending will incorporate all kinds of endings from everything else:
Harry and Hermoine find out that somehow they are brother and sister and that Voldemort is actually their father. Harry’s uncle gives him a magical ring but Voldemort is after the ring too and then some hobbits show up and make everything difficult. Harry reveals to Ron that he can see dead people, and that some don’t even know they are dead.
Then just as Harry is about the destroy the ring and stick a light saber through Voldemort, he wakes up next to Patrick Duffy and realizes that everything was just a dream.
posted by Beth on 7-12-2007 at 8:36 am
After spending 20+ chapters searching for horcruxes, Harry learns that he is the final horcrux and that Voldemort cannot be killed unless Harry dies.
Harry says, “Screw that!”, flys to Palm Springs and has his lightning bolt scar surgically removed by a plastic surgeon, thus destroying Voldemort.
The screen then cuts to black while Sinatra’s “I’ve Got You Under My Skin” plays in the background.
posted by Jason! on 7-12-2007 at 8:37 am
The final installment of the Harry Potter series will culminate in the largest battle royal cage match in known history, due to the yet to be revealed marriage of Vince McMahon and JK Rowling. Harry and Nevil will be the last two standing when a small, strange, spinning, black and white house plummets from the sky, landing on the combatants, leading to JK’s next endeavor in cliffhanger type books. “The Dorothy Gale Force” will hit the bookshelves and news stands worldwide in early 2008.
posted by DrCrappie on 7-12-2007 at 8:40 am
Snape and Malfoy take Harry to a strip –er, I mean “gentlemen’s”– club and get him trashed on mojitos. Then when he’s passed out they take incriminating photos of him.
He’s so embarassed, he enters rehab after issuing a contrite statement through his publicist.
posted by punkinsmom on 7-12-2007 at 8:41 am
Nearing the end, J.K. Rowling will realize that if she finishes the series she will lose her soap box and source of fame.
Accordingly, Harry will manage to defeat Voldemort only to have one of his friends…let’s say Ginny Weasley be revealed as an up and coming dark wizard. Then, dare we say it, _Harry Potter: The College Years_.
posted by David on 7-12-2007 at 8:45 am
The real trick is coming up with an ending that doesn’t sound like Harry Potter fanfiction. As a result, the ending of Deathly Hallows will definitely NOT contain:
– heterosexual sex
– homosexual sex
– interspecies sex
– pregnancy
– male pregnancy
– magical sex changes
– revelations about someone’s true nature, heritage, ancestry, or relationship to the existing characters
– Mary-Sue transfer students who hail from America, France, or Japan
– Harry or Draco falling in love with said transfer students
– Harry and Draco falling in love with one another
– Tolkien crossovers
– Gratuitous use of ellipses, semicolons, em-dashes, and other commonly misunderstood punctuation marks
What will actually happen? My money’s on Ginny dying to save Harry (and thus imbuing him with even more angst), but I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.
posted by Mary on 7-12-2007 at 8:57 am
Harry will ultimately defeat Voldemort but at the expense of Ron’s life (among others). He will be appointed new Minister of Black Arts and Magical Defense at Hogwarts but will consequently resign and leave the school in shame once he discovers that the name “Hogwarts” comes from the practice of British Hogs pleasuring themselves too often.
posted by Gangsteroflove7 on 7-12-2007 at 9:04 am
It will turn out that Snape is Dumbledore’s long lost love child. When Snape finds out that he killed Daddy, he will take on Voldy and save Harry from destroying himself, as Harry has just discovered that his scar is the last horcrux.
Ginny falls for Neville. Ron and Hermione have a little love child of their own. And Harry’s aunt is jailed for attempting to marry her own son.
posted by Laura on 7-12-2007 at 9:24 am
“You killed my father”
“I AM your father”
“No! It can’t be true… that’s impossible!”
C’mon, folks, it’s so obvious! ;)
posted by tona b. on 7-12-2007 at 9:28 am
Harry will wake up to find he’s Bob Newhart, living in Chicago, and a practicing psychiatrist. He will also find that Tom Poston, not Suzanne Pleshette is in bed with him, and he has three sons all named Darryl.
posted by Auntie Izzie on 7-12-2007 at 9:36 am
Harry, though not exactly Fred Astaire, has had a little dance experience through the Yule Ball and however much giggy him and Ginny get into at the Weasley Wedding in the summer. Voldemort on the other hand has been proven to have less than an entire soul inside him, so if any James Brown music or anything dating back past the 80’s will leave him with no interpretive moves whatsoever. Harry’s parents will rise from the dead with Godric Griffindor’s sward, giving harry a chance to kill Volde while he’s trying to shake his grove thing…
posted by Elvyra on 7-12-2007 at 9:42 am
Harry kills Voldemort (shocker) but not before he gets life-threateningly injured by Voldemort or Malfoy (Junior or Senior) in some bizarre about-to-fall-over-a-cliff sort of way. He also gets help from Gandolf the White (from the Lord of the Rings, of course) because he is a pretty awesome wizard and should have showed up in one of the past books anyway. It would be pretty sweet if Ron punched Harry in the face for one reason or another, hopefully because Harry and Ginny makeout in front of the entire Weasley family. Also, Kenneth Branagh comes back, not as Professor Gilderoy Lockhart, but rather Hamlet and recites the “To Be, or Not To Be” soliloquy.
In the end, Hogwart’s is partially detroyed by all of the mayhem, mostly because of the Weasley twins wanting to get out years of aggression from no one ever being able to tell them apart. Also, I am pretty sure that everyone is going to get arrested in the “muggle” world for killing all of the people that have died in all of the other Harry Potter books. Of course, Harry and Ron’s jail sentences will make for the much hoped-for follow-up series that many people are petitioning for JK to write. The new books will be very HBO’s OZ-esque.
posted by Megan on 7-12-2007 at 9:55 am
A battle occurs and everyone is at least seriously wounded. The fallout destroys the world as we know it. The camera shows Harry’s eyes closing slowly with a blackout… only to have him wake up in bed to an alarm clock playing “I’ve Got You, Babe.”
posted by Neil on 7-12-2007 at 9:56 am
my smart friend Steve says…
I think we’ll find out that Voldemort is Harry’s father. (Heavy breathing) “Harry…(more heavy breathing) …I am your father”
posted by Cheryl on 7-12-2007 at 10:10 am
Harry has to give up his powers to give Tom Riddle. Basically, he was born with no powers and then Neville (sp?) has to remove the scar. Right?
Eh, speculation. I’d also like Snape killed off by V, but that’s not my prediction! :)
posted by Gant on 7-12-2007 at 10:10 am
Hermoine dies then is somehow brought back to life.
posted by Marco on 7-12-2007 at 10:11 am
Okay, so we will discover that Harry Potter is the love child of Voldemort and Moaning Myrtle. His “parents” who died are really his adoptive parents. Dumbeldore is dead, but his ghost will come back and wreak havoc on everyone. He will eventually kill Voldemort, which will kill Harry because, well you know, it has to happen. Ronald and Hermione will get together (or maybe they already have, can’t remember). Snape, Malfoy, and all the other “bad guys” are going to open a finishing school at Azkaban. They will teach the fine art of slicking back the hair, very tricky to get it to stay put.
I can’t think of anymore, my head hurts
posted by Donna Ogden on 7-12-2007 at 10:13 am
harry discovers the true identity of voldemort, he was his mother , she had a transexual identity crisis, he is of course horrified to learn this and gradually turns to the dark side of his inner psyche. his head cannot take it …….
posted by joanie on 7-12-2007 at 10:22 am
I think Hagrid will die b/c it will be sad, but fans will survive.
I think Ginny may die b/c JKR likes to keep Harry cut off from familial ties.
I think Snape will do something to save Harry at the end and get killed for it.
Draco (and possibly Dudley) will have to team up with Harry to fight Voldemort.
I think Harry is the final Horcrux, and will have to let Voldemort kill him to save the world.
posted by Michelle on 7-12-2007 at 10:25 am
Harry dies on page 777 (US edition)
posted by W on 7-12-2007 at 10:26 am
Dumbledore lives! At long last the truth wills out and he, along with Minerva, step up to the Castle, as it were, and share the truth of their love child: Harry Potter! Harry revolts at having been deceived for so long and in so many ways. Snape, that question mark for these long years will reveal himself as simply a confused cross dresser intent upon using his talents for the highest bidder in order to pay a muggle doctor for his sex change.
Voldormort accidentally shift changes permanently into a snake, slithers into Harry’s room at the Leaky Cauldron to find him rip roaring drunk. They bemoan all of the painful memories they have both harbored for so long and merge into one being after homosexual sex.
Dumbledore et all rise to fight the new threat, “HarryMort” only to discover they are no match for him/them. They turn instead to Abba music to keep them passively in line until they can conjure some spell to undo the natural bond HarryMort share, and from the rest of the prophesy which foretold of wizard and world domination from their union.
The Wesley’s, Heroine, and all the other Motley Crew from Hogwarts create a Jones-Town like commune for all who wish to join, and commit mass suicide in a blaze of wizardly pain and agony – each destroying the next in quick succession that relies on perfect harmonious timing. One lives. He or She is now bent upon a mission of murderous rage against HarryMort to avenge all he/they have wrought.
Machiavellian plans are hatched by all alive. The one left alive wears a hooded cloak and contacts Hagrid for use of his magical creatures, only to discover Hagrid has duped them all and is really Voldermorts true father and has unmatched powers, even by Dumbledores standard.
Sibyll Trelawney gain has a prediction foisted upon her and tells of a darkness to come as none have ever known. Straight away the wizard world loses all light and the rest of the prophesy is unheard or untold as the void takes hold disturbing all order in their world.
We are left in suspenseful, perpetual nothingness closing the book upon the past. We are unable to move forward or backward and await book 8 which will reveal either total destruction as the world closes in upon itself extinguishing all life, or a revelation of light leading one side on in a continual struggle which parallels the muggle world of good versus evil.
posted by B Johnson on 7-12-2007 at 10:33 am
I believe that an ancient evil wizard, Coelacanth Cheney, will be discovered. hiding in a castle built of Nigerian Yellowcake, in an undisclosed location. His spells and machinations will be found to be causing the conflicts between Hogwarts and Voldemont. The Wizards and studnts of both schools will unite to ovethrow his power, and he will be banished to a SafeBox in Cuba. The United Schools will begin admitting qualified Muggles.
posted by Frank G. Andrews on 7-12-2007 at 10:50 am
The entire wizarding world will decide that volleyball is a far better game than quidditch. They will spend the whole year training. At the end of the year, instead of the typical Harry-Voldemort showdown, they will play volleyball with the Hogwarts people on one team and Voldemort and his death eaters on the other. We will discover that Neville Longbottom has a killer serve and Hermione is a pretty decent setter. It will be a very close game, of course, and will end when Dumbledore comes back and spikes the ball down. Dumbledore’s spike not only wins the game, but also knocks off Voldemort’s head. Harry goes into a violent rage because he is so mad about spending the whole game on the bench (he is the only one who could not adapt to volleyball).
He puts a spell on Snape, who actually was not a Voldemort supporter, that turns him permanently into a capybera(the world’s largest rodent). Snape the capybera is promptly eaten by Buckbeak and Harry is sent to Azkaban for causing Snape’s death.
posted by alcasabas on 7-12-2007 at 11:00 am
Harry will realize that he is Voldemort, like in Fight Club.
-or-
Harry will create an enormous army out of no where, with some incredibal spell that puts everygood wizard at his command. He then takes on Voldermeort’s army, which consist of thousands of Voldermort clones he created through a dark spell. When they meet on the battlefield, the whole thing is broken up by the cops, alla Monty Pyhton and the Search for the Holy Grail. Al the characters are booked, and their parents called.
posted by Jonathan on 7-12-2007 at 11:06 am
Ginger? Really? For real? Dumbledore will die? Have you read ANY of the books?
posted by Lourdes on 7-12-2007 at 11:16 am
Voldimort will slice off Harry’s hand and say “Harry, I am your father.”
posted by Vito on 7-12-2007 at 11:16 am
The last page:
It was down to the two, Voldemort and Harry. After all the meaningless annihilation, the senseless loss of life, the evaporation of Hogwarts and the reign of destruction on London, it was down to just these two. Harry and Voldemort stood facing each other like gunslingers from the old west.
“Potter you could have had everything,” Voldemort taunted him, “but you couldn’t resist keeping one foot in the muggle world.”
“Sometimes it’s not all that bad to keep one foot in the muggle world,” retorted Harry.
“You’ve lost everything,” said Voldemort, grinning, “I have your wand. I have my wand. And very soon you die, and I win.”
Voldemort raised both wands in both of his wrinkled hands and began the curse, “Avadra . . .”
Whereupon Harry pulled out his pistol and blew Voldemort’s head off.
Yes, sometimes it was not all that bad to keep one foot in the muggle world.
“Now, to find that plastic surgeon and do something about this damned scar,” thought Harry.
posted by Gerry Schulze on 7-12-2007 at 11:25 am
My money is on the following:
(please keep in mind I dont have a lot of money lol)
1. Ron gets into drugs in an effort to be cooler than his twin brothers, from feeling so inferior to Harry, and for not being able to bag Hermione. To stay in magic related careers he starts selling magic mushrooms and potions on the street guaranteed to make the pain go away. He developed a great admiration for his mentor Professor Snape, who helped him find the new Ron. He died his hair black, wears make up, and a long trench coat robe. Ron and Snape can be seen in an alley at Hogwarts nibbling on crackers.
2. Hermione, after some self reflection on her life, and after several trips to the doctor for Lexapro.. realizes that her whole adolecent life was a lie. Hanging out with two of the ugliest boys in school and having no real girls friends to count on. She realizes that she in fact is a lesbian and has been trying to avoid her feelings for Ginny, not Ron this whole time. All of these years she has befriended Ron with the hopes that she would become closer to Ginny. She tells Ginny her feelings and Ginny bitch slaps her- this turns Hermione on. Hermione starts stalking Ginny trying to use her vast knowledge of spells to make Ginny want to get “Jiggy” with her.
Mr. Weasly, recognizes Hermiones obsession with Ginny and creates a master plan to dress up in a Ginny like wig and a dress and have his way with Hermione (who’s underage). (He hasn’t gotten any in years, ever since his wife caught him with another fire crotch…)He figured Hermione, “Like a virgin”, wouldnt know the difference until it was too late..
However, Mr. Weasly, wig and all, is caught by his wife Molly, outside in the bushes with Hermione and Ron’s pet rat, Scabbers in a compromising position. (To a radio with music singing , “You and me baby aint nothing but mammals, so let’s do it like they do on the discovery channel”- Mrs. Weasly immediately calls the authorities as she has wanted a divorce for a long time. She’s been having a secret love affair with Percy, since he was little. This drove him away from the family for a few of the previous chapters. He hated his father, and couldnt live with them anymore.. knowing they made sweet magic love and his father was still in the picture.
You can hear Ms. Weasley know whistling to her favorite tune.. “To the left to the left, everything you own in a box to the left”
3. Dumbledore isn’t dead. He never dies. He’s like the Santa Clause for wizards. (I mean c’mon I know you’ve all thought about the resemblance.)
4. Harry realizes that all of these years of playing hide the salami with Hagrid .. and listening to “We are the World, we are the children” were the best times in his life. From living in the muggle world he remembers a man who had sweet dance moves and juice called Jesus. He decided to take Michael’s advice and “Just beat it” several times a day. Handicapping him from riding on a broomstick.. He also went looking for Professor McGonagal to just “THRILLHER” (get it)..He told her “Wanne be startin something” and”Don’t stop til you get enough” as he was always into older chicks.. They got pretty hot and heavy until this Billie Jean chick showed up claiming that Harry has been pimping her out.
5. Draco falls off his broom – causing a few of his front teeth to fall out. He has to get fake ones put in. He goes for the more dramatic dark look putting in fangs… After a few years he changes his name to Dracula and starts a whole new breed of crazies…
posted by Nicole on 7-12-2007 at 11:26 am
1. Ron gets into drugs in an effort to be cooler than his twin brothers, from feeling so inferior to Harry, and for not being able to bag Hermione. To stay in magic related careers he starts selling magic mushrooms and potions on the street guaranteed to make the pain go away. He developed a great admiration for his mentor Professor Snape, who helped him find the new Ron. He died his hair black, wears make up, and a long trench coat robe. Ron and Snape can be seen in an alley at Hogwarts nibbling on crackers.
2. Hermione, after some self reflection on her life, and after several trips to the doctor for Lexapro.. realizes that her whole adolecent life was a lie. Hanging out with two of the ugliest boys in school and having no real girls friends to count on. She realizes that she in fact is a lesbian and has been trying to avoid her feelings for Ginny, not Ron this whole time. All of these years she has befriended Ron with the hopes that she would become closer to Ginny. She tells Ginny her feelings and Ginny bitch slaps her- this turns Hermione on. Hermione starts stalking Ginny trying to use her vast knowledge of spells to make Ginny want to get “Jiggy” with her.
Mr. Weasly, recognizes Hermiones obsession with Ginny and creates a master plan to dress up in a Ginny like wig and a dress and have his way with Hermione (who’s underage). (He hasn’t gotten any in years, ever since his wife caught him with another fire crotch…)He figured Hermione, “Like a virgin”, wouldnt know the difference until it was too late..
However, Mr. Weasly, wig and all, is caught by his wife Molly, outside in the bushes with Hermione and Ron’s pet rat, Scabbers in a compromising position. (To a radio with music singing , “You and me baby aint nothing but mammals, so let’s do it like they do on the discovery channel”- Mrs. Weasly immediately calls the authorities as she has wanted a divorce for a long time. She’s been having a secret love affair with Percy, since he was little. This drove him away from the family for a few of the previous chapters. He hated his father, and couldnt live with them anymore.. knowing they made sweet magic love and his father was still in the picture.
You can hear Ms. Weasley know whistling to her favorite tune.. “To the left to the left, everything you own in a box to the left”
3. Dumbledore isn’t dead. He never dies. He’s like the Santa Clause for wizards. (I mean c’mon I know you’ve all thought about the resemblance.)
4. Harry realizes that all of these years of playing hide the salami with Hagrid .. and listening to “We are the World, we are the children” were the best times in his life. From living in the muggle world he remembers a man who had sweet dance moves and juice called Jesus. He decided to take Michael’s advice and “Just beat it” several times a day. Handicapping him from riding on a broomstick.. He also went looking for Professor McGonagal to just “THRILLHER” (get it)..He told her “Wanne be startin something” and”Don’t stop til you get enough” as he was always into older chicks.. They got pretty hot and heavy until this Billie Jean chick showed up claiming that Harry has been pimping her out.
5. Draco falls off his broom – causing a few of his front teeth to fall out. He has to get fake ones put in. He goes for the more dramatic dark look putting in fangs… After a few years he changes his name to Dracula and starts a whole new breed of crazies…
posted by Nicole on 7-12-2007 at 11:29 am
Fred and George infiltrate the death eaters, substituting trick wands for the real thing. In final showdown, Voldemort’s wand turns into a rubber chicken and he is promptly vanquished.
posted by Rance on 7-12-2007 at 11:38 am
After suffering the loss of Dumbledore, Sirius, and his parents, as well as several characters including Tonks and Remus who are not actually dead but have
been thoroughly OOC-ed and discarded, Harry will lapse farther into his fit of teenage angst.
Ron and Hermione, probably not yet getting it on because Hermione is waiting for her prince charming and Ron couldn’t sweep her of her feet unless he did some serious weight training, will soon realize what a loser and truly annoying person their best friend is. They will soon leave him, casting Harry further into the pits of fiery teenage-world-hating, further smashing not only his character but also the readers sympathy for him into the ground.
Draco Malfoy, who is not as much of a slimeball as we thought, will remain a vauge threat to whatever characters are left on Harry’s side, but for the most part he will have to do with random mentions here and there instead of the full blown screen time he is so used to.
Snape, who is also not as much of a slimeball as we thought, though he does need to was his hair, will continue on with his ‘i have a pact’ deal, proving to be much more of a threat than either of the Malfoys, one of which is in prison and the other cowering in his secondary-characterness. Now he has been revealed as working with the dark side and, more importantly, killing Dumbledore, he will no longer be working with the order, instead reluctantly rejoining the dark side, though he doesn’t seem to be too happy about it. Damn morals.
Beatrix Black will cackle wildly a little bit, and Narcissa will disavow her family’s muggle-hating ways and join the order of the phoenix, upon which she too will be discarded as another lame secondary character.
Fred and George will remain prank shop owners, serving little use but to pop in now and then and cheer people up, and Charlie and Bill will return in all their glory to be actual useful characters, despite how much time they’ll have to take off work. Fleur was proven in the 4th book to be useless, and she will remain that way.
Remus will pine away at the loss of Sirius, his leading role, and his character. he wont be of much use.
Harry will, somehow rounding up enough back up (back up to ‘the boy who lived’ means a house elf, a useless friend, and maybe or maybe not his wand) seek the rest of Voldemort’s soul, a search which will be routinely interrupted by those darn pesky death eaters. it’s almost like they don’t want Harry to kill Voldemort!
Goblin army at hand (you know there has to be a goblin army) the Weaslys will storm in to save Harry’s sorry ass once more. This will lead to bigger, greater battles and their sore lack of proper explosions.
There will be more vague, cliche and totally misplaced character development between Harry and Ginny.
In the End, more alternately lame and cliche things will happen, possibly a diplomatic solution to their disputes or Ginny’s sacrifice of her life to fuel Harry’s rage.
And Sirius lives. the more i say this, the more i feel it will happen. don’t burst my bubble.
posted by Maeve M on 7-12-2007 at 11:53 am
Based on the significance of the Phoenix as it related to Dumbledore, he is obviously NOT DEAD. Snape is a double agent, on Harry’s side and it not a bad guy. Finally, I think that there is a distinct possibility that Sirius Black is not dead either.
I think that the book will end with the death of BOTH Harry and Voldemort.
posted by Erin Morris on 7-12-2007 at 11:54 am
Dumbledore turns out not to have been dead – Snape’s avada kedavra curse at the end of book 6 malfunctions and turned into a transportation spell that zapped Dumbledore to Las Vegas (while leaving a shell of his body at Hogwarts; hence everyone thought he was dead), where he took up a job as an Elvis impersonator. Meanwhile, in the United States, it became apparent that the two cofounders of mental_floss, Mangesh and Will had been making their posts on the blog from England, and not the US as everyone had suspected before. It then became known that Mangesh had been masquerading as a short, squat witch by the name of Delores Umbridge, and Will, who is slightly taller had been disguised for the past few years as the most feared wizard of all times, Lord Voldemort (or known by some as Tom Marvolo Riddle). After these facts were revealed, several Mental Floss/Harry Potter enthusiasts lamented at the fact that their beloved magazine/blog was controlled by the most evil wizard and one of the most hated witches of all time. While the lamenting was going on, an Elvis Impersonator (Dumbledore in disguise, really) made his way to _floss headquarters, vanquished Lord Voldemort and Umbridge (aka Will and Mangesh), and then subsequently took over the magazine/blog. At first the Harry Potter/_Floss enthusiasts rejoiced for this merging of the worlds, but after the second issue produced by Dumbeldore, they realized that they would rather have Voldemort and Umbridge back and running the magazine, even if they were evil. While all this was happening, Harry Potter decided to form a wizarding world 4-H, and he, Ron, Hermione, Hagrid and Ginny ran the club peacefully, with the occasional visit from Luna Lovegood and Neville Longbottom as guest speakers.
The End.
posted by Lindsay D on 7-12-2007 at 11:55 am
in a bang-bang play voldemort kills harry and snape kills voldemort. snape takes over as headmaster at hogwarts.
posted by thestral on 7-12-2007 at 12:00 pm
Harry will awake..it’s all a dream, but it turns out he is not Harry, but Nancy Drew…who although was progressive for a girl growing up in the 30s…never liked all the pre-feminist glass ceilings.
Harry will awake..it’s all a dream, but it turns out he is not Harry, but GW Bush, living his dream of of being the Decider. The scar on his forehead isn’t a lightening bold — it’s a stylized W.
posted by Karen on 7-12-2007 at 12:02 pm
Simply put, Harry and Voldemort die simultaneously, and Harry becomes the first (and probably last) wizard to be ressurected from death by the power of a phoenix. My guess is Fawkes dies for good in order to ressurect Harry.
I think the last chapter MIGHT just be called “The Boy Who Lived…Again”.
Then there’s of course the requisite happily ending romances (Harry and Ginny/Ron and Hermione). Ron and Hermione have 7 children, and Harry and Ginny only one.
Draco Malfoy will die trying to stop Voldemort, as will Severus Snape, both being redeemed in death from their mistakes in life.
Luna Lovegood becomes editor-in-chief of the Daily Prophet.
Neville Longbottom, finally unlocking his true potential, is able to become either Minister of Magic or a teacher at Hogwarts.
Hagrid lives, and, true to Ron’s prediction, has world-record setting children with Madame Maxime.
OK, so they’re mostly serious guesses, bur I need these in writing somewhere so I can prove I think like JKR. ^_-
posted by Matt on 7-12-2007 at 12:04 pm
Harry discovers the force behind it all is a blond author named JK Rowling. He kills her and becomes a billionaire. Hermione marries him for his money, and she has Emma Watson killed off for wooden acting.
posted by Dawn on 7-12-2007 at 12:07 pm
the last chapter will begin with harry and voltomort just about ready to get into the end all beat all fight of the century…then just as the readers get to the “good stuff” there is a letter from Mrs. Rowling herself…
Dear readers, I am glad we were able to spend this many years together. I enjoyed having you read my work, and I am happy that I could help give the gift of reading to millions around the world. I have left this open so that you may end it whichever way you feel is right…love J.K. rowling…
to which fans all over the world, feeling cheated will all band together and burn their books just before boarding all the planes to england just to protest outside her door.
some will go into great deniles that the seventh was ever written and swear that the “real” seventh is comeing out soon. while rocking back in forth in the safety of libraries that had to be changed into ward for all the rabid fans.
After Months of threats and story retailation, Mrs. rowling with write number 8 just so her “fans” will leave her alone.
posted by Rookee on 7-12-2007 at 12:13 pm
Predictions Part I – I believe that Harry will live, Hermoine, Voldemort and Prof. McGonigal will die.
Predictions Part II – Harry and Draco will consummate their long term relationship. Mr. Weasley is caught hiding in the closet taking pictures of them while shoving Berties Every flavor jelly beans up his bum.
Hagrid turns out to be Voldemort’s brother Theo.
Ron is discovered by Hollywood and is cast in the 2nd Ginger Kids episode of “Southpark”.
posted by Sheldon Siegel on 7-12-2007 at 12:15 pm
In the final battle, when Harry & old Voldie are crossing wands, the mask comes off & it is revealed that Voldemort is Harry’s father. Dumbledore was actually a mentally unstable escapee from Azkaban, Neville & Luna are devious master-minds in cahoots with the Death Eaters & Professor Snape’s favourite colour is actually rose pink.
& also, the Weasley’s aren’t natural red-heads. They just keep up with the charade because it’s the only thing they’ve got going for them, what with no real money to speak of.
posted by Sarah Katherine on 7-12-2007 at 12:24 pm
I’ve never read the books and have only watched two and a half of the movies, but here goes nothing:
The one with the glasses-Harry- will break his glasses after a nasty fall and decide to get contacts.
The guy with the red hair will join an 80’s cover hair band, trash a couple of hotel rooms and OD on those weird tasting jelly beans.
The girl decides to toss her hat in for the presidential elections- Hillary gets mad at no longer being the only woman running. Potter girl mysteriously disappears.
posted by mantis on 7-12-2007 at 12:28 pm
Harry and Voldemort will realize that they share a lot of history and will become friends. Dumbledore will retire as headmaster and Voldemort will take his position and Harry will be a professor. But even though Voldemort and Harry are friends Voldemort will still be evil. They will have a relationship such as the relationship Magneto and Xavier have in X-Men.
posted by Erin on 7-12-2007 at 12:35 pm
Harry is tempted by Voldemort into joining Slytherin. In order to do so, however, he must slaughter all the new kids at Gryffindor. He proceeds to kill most of Hogwarts’ staff rather easily, with the exception of one guy who puts up a fight before dying, the oldest guy on the staff, and Harry’s former favorite teacher. (Can you tell I don’t read the books?) In attempting to kill his ex-favorite teacher, a fire spell causes Harry’s limbs to melt off, and the teacher runs off.
Meanwhile, Harry has gotten his girlfriend pregnant, and she delivers twins; she dies shortly thereafter. When a magic force-field surrounding Harry brings him to life, he subsequently destroys several items when he learns that she’s dead.
In the next seven books, Harry’s son will make out with his sister, see Harry’s favorite-ex-teacher get killed, discover that Harry’s his father, redeem him, get Harry to kill Voldemort (dying in the process), and the galaxy is saved.
posted by Sillstaw on 7-12-2007 at 12:54 pm
I think Voldemort will shock all by announcing that he is really Harry’s father. After Harry’s initial shock, and his exclamations of “noooo,” and “thats impossible” an epic battle will ensue. It will be revealed by Voldermort that Hermione is really Harry’s sister. In the fit of rage that results Harry will mortally wound Voldermort. Voldermort will repent for his transgressions, and Harry and him will reconcile seconds before Voldermort passes on. Harry will take him to the Homeland of Dobby and the house elves and put him in a funeral pyre. Then Harry, Hermione, Ron, and the surving students from Hogwarts will party with the house elves like ther is no tommorow.
posted by Ian Carolan on 7-12-2007 at 12:59 pm
Book 7 finds Harry engrossed in his search for the remaining 4 horcruxes, which are not, as we have suspected, personal items of the remaining 3 Hogwarts founders and Nagini the snake, but are actually Paris Hilton’s National Merit Scholarship, Michael Jackson’s real nose, any contestant who’s actually smarter than a fifth grader, and the WMDs.
He fails in his search for the other three, as they do not exist, but finds in a cave surrounded by magical potion a large crate marked “WMD.” He points his wand, chants the magic words “Wileyus Coyoteus!” and the crate explodes.
These are not the Weapons of Mass Destruction (as they, too, are mythical…) but “Weapons of Magical Destruction.” In unleashing their energy, Harry has inadvertently stripped all magical power from the wizarding world.
In the end, therefore, all of our characters are reduced to mere Muggles, and are therefore no longer interesting or worth writing about, as they go on about their staid lives drinking tea and shouting “Cheerio, Mate!” to each other in the pub.
The only two who can’t let go of the past and move on with their Muggle lives are Harry and Voldemort, who change their names to Criss Angel and David Blaine, respectively, and spend the rest of their lives obsessed by their rivalry to be known as the best magician, duking it out on cable tv, the streets of NYC and in Vegas casinos.
posted by FlyAway on 7-12-2007 at 1:00 pm
I have it on good authority that there will be an eighth book. In it, Harry is married to Hermione and they have three children. The title of course is Harry, Pater Familias.
posted by Ted Remington on 7-12-2007 at 1:01 pm
In the final book it will be revealed that Voldemort is a powerful wizard pedophile that has a long time burning crush on Harry. In their final duel Voldemort will come clean and profess his affection for Harry. Harry will be flattered and being of age he and Voldemort will walk hand in hand into the sunset.
posted by Echo5Juliet on 7-12-2007 at 1:07 pm
I just hope Arthur Weasley kicks somebody’s ass in this book, because I would really like to see that in the last movie. POW! I love you, Arthur.
posted by srah on 7-12-2007 at 1:09 pm
My prediction as far as to what is going on is that Mental_Floss will make a startling appearance and cause the upheaval of all magic when they explain just exactly how they get feathers to float by use of electromagnetic currents to send those puppies flying. Other bubble busting explanations regarding all of the mythical creatures will be discovered to be the result of industrial waste from all the failed potions the students of Hogwarts have dumped over the years causing the lands to have more unusual properties than most muggles would like to believe. So in a deft puff of logic, Hogwarts will shift it’s attentions to becoming the latest academic school for braniac editors so Mental Floss can produce more than 6 issues in a year, thus making business good for them, and many more happy subscribers. The end.
posted by Lance Lindquist on 7-12-2007 at 1:10 pm
Ron marries Yoko and the band breaks up.
posted by Dw on 7-12-2007 at 1:11 pm
Oho! I have been waiting for this!
okay let me see…
okay I think that Dumbledore is going to return as an Inferi named John and he will fight Harry along side with Voldemort, Snape, and Bon Scott. However!!! Harry won’t be alone! He will be accompinied by faithful crookshanks and Filch, who turn out to both be Professor McGonagall in discuise, so it really isn’t too fair is it? three to two…
Anyways they’ll all throw away there wands and proceed to kunf fu each other until…um… Voldemort remembers he forgot to lock the door at his house. Once he leaves, everyone agrees that it’s a little too cold out for their liking, and all go home.
Oh, Malfoy and Hermione die after Ron kills both of them for making out, then he goes to join Fred and George.
And Hagrid moves to live with that other Giant Lady.
posted by Oxhorn on 7-12-2007 at 1:14 pm
And Ginny and Neville join a band called the Fizzing Whizbees, but then Zonko’s(now belonging to Fred, George, and Ron) sues them, causing them to break up. They weren’t getting along to well anyways.
posted by Oxhorn on 7-12-2007 at 1:18 pm
All the major characters will move to New York, pair off, live in apartments, and hang out in a coffee shop. Their madcap antics will be the fodder for a sitcom, the beginning of which will feature the characters dancing in a fountain and twirling umbrellas. Rowling will kill all the characters off, however, when one of them says “All I really want to do is direct.”
posted by Fred on 7-12-2007 at 1:55 pm
Okay, so good versus evil, right, and everyone has these amazing powers.
So, here’s what we see: Giant war, everyone with powers is fighting for the side he or she thinks is right. In the process (a bit intentionally), all things wizardy are destroyed. Al the buildings, all the books, blown to bits by each size, as part o the battle. Pretty much everyone dies.
Snape, in a final dying spell, kills Lord V and sends Harry, Ron, and Hermione out into the muggle world, separated, with amnesia.
Then Rowlings drops the big bomb. She witnessed this all. This is not fiction. This is fact. This all actually happened, but, unfortunately, the Great War destroyed all evidence. Except her memory and three wizards who don’t know who they are.
Yet.
posted by Rose on 7-12-2007 at 1:56 pm
During the final battle (which takes place at Hogwarts, donchaknow) Ron’s wand breaks and an errant hex hits the flobberworms in Hagrid’s yard (flobberworm paddock?). The flobberworms grow to enormous size and eat everyone; the good, the bad, and the indifferent.
And now Jo Rowling can move on to another hero. (Adieu Harry – we love you!)
posted by 9 days to go! on 7-12-2007 at 2:19 pm
Harry will vanquish Voldemort and live happily ever after with Ginny. They, along with Ron and Hermione, will regale their grandchildren with stories of the good old days. The dementors, now jobless, will relentlessly visit every bookseller who broke the embargo and sold Book 7 before midnight on July 21.
posted by Judy on 7-12-2007 at 2:20 pm
Here’s my prediction.
Harry is going to get all bent out of shape (literally) of some happenings at Hogwarts. I think it will have something to do with unicorns with rainbow howler monkey riders invading the castle and everyone will be looking around going “jumpin Jehoshaphat on a pogo stick! What was that?!” Just then a king-foo jackalope will burst through the door scream and start jumping around at high speed, as he takes out the howler monkeys. then there will be a showdown between the jackalope and the lead monkey… the monkey will howl and charge, the jackalope will look at him and say “sooner or later you are going to have to get a shot” Monkey will reply in a whiny voice “I don’t wanna!!!”
Jackalope “I’ll buy you ice cream if you get the shot”
Monkey “What flavor?”
Jackalope “What ever you want”
Monkey “Okay I’ll go”
They walk out of the castle leaving everyone wondering what happened, and who will clean up the mess.
During all that harry gets turned into a pretzel, gets turned back, turns emo and goes after Voldemort, Leaving hogwarts in the care of a Haring.(A very smart haring mind you)
Harry will find Voldemort in an old rundown barn, (why is at always an old rundown barn?)
They will have a wee chat, which will end suddenly when Voldemort makes fun of Harry’s girl pants. They will have some sort of magical battle, with spells, curses, and all manner of water foul being thrown back and forth. During which time Harry learns that Voldemort is actually…… His father. He gets very up set a calls him a lire and proceeds to beat Voldemort with his own shoes. Suddenly the roof of the barn will be opened with a giant can-opener, and a giant purple pandaroo will look in and say “Oh shut up! Voldemort you need to let the past go, just because you couldn’t get a date doesn’t mean you have to act like this! And Harry, Look at you! you’re wearing girls pants for pete’s sake! and look at your hair! you look like you got in a fight with a lawnmower! You should both be ashamed!” At which point they will go their separate ways, harry stops being emo, and Voldemort stops killing and becomes an ice cream vendor. Harry goes back to Hogwarts, only to find that everyone has been turned into a fish.
posted by Jason on 7-12-2007 at 2:47 pm
The Order will cast a powerful love spell on Umbridge, who will then seduce Voldemort. Once Voldemort has love, both will be killed, but not before Voldemort and Umbridge try to kill everyone at Hogwarts. Snape will cry like a baby in Azkaban while students point and laugh. Hermione will get pregnant by Ron and name their son Harry. Neville will work for the Ministry of Magic.
posted by Brickfoot on 7-12-2007 at 2:57 pm
I think Harry will jump into a portal and die to save the earth in the first chapter but Hermione will use a spell to resurrect him from the dead. He’ll brood about being brought back from heaven for a good 5 or 10 chapters and will have lots of abusive sex with Draco. A random, unnoticed character will kill Ron and Hermione will be devastated and will try to destroy the world with magic. Then, JKR will get her butt sued off for stealing most of the plot of Buffy from seasons 5 and 6. This will cause millions of fans to buy Buffy dvds. Joss will earn millions! Under your Spell will go to the top of the charts!
My real guess? I have no idea. I’ve never read the books. ;)
posted by Rosalie on 7-12-2007 at 3:06 pm
As Harry goes out on his own to battle the evil one……Ron and Hermione are left together with nothing but their raging teenage lust and each other. In the heat of the moment they give in to tempation, but because they didn’t take The Magic of Safe Sex Course 101 at Hogwarts…..They are looking into Chidcare at Hogwarts.
Fast Forward 1 year: Harry found Voldermort and was captured by the Deatheaters. He becomes there prisioner and after months of torture gives in to the dark magic. Hagar comes to rescue Harry and Harry goes along with it so that he can be a spy. Once he returns home he starts to come out of his evil spell, then he see’s Ginny Weasley with her new guy and goes postal on everyone including Ron and Hermione. In the end Ron and Hermione die trying to protec their son Bart. Harry is about kill lil’ Bart but the spell only scars the child. Harry protects himself from the back fire but then Prof. Snape shows up and grabs the baby. As he wisks away with baby Bart, Snape tells Harry that he is really his father then he starts making weird breathing noises. ****Wait, wrong story! Oh well**** THE END
posted by lunarbabee on 7-12-2007 at 3:17 pm
Voldemort, Harry and the gang realize all of the baggage brought into the whole war-against-the-dark-arts thing and decide to clean themselves up, emotionally. During a tear-filled group therapy session, Harry reveals the secret that his famous lightning bolt scar is, in fact, drawn on by marker. Voldemort describes how the fact that he has no nose was the source of his wounded self-respect, his social awkwardness as a child, and ultimately, his famous killing spree, which he describes as “an angry, drunken mistake”. Caught up in the moment, Hermoine explodes in rage as she screams, “It’s HER-moyne, NOT her-MINE-ee!!!!” The group is taken aback by this new development. Ron is upset that he has no personal scars in his past, that he’s just annoying in general for no good reason, so he nods his head a lot and yells “yeah!”. The Death Eaters realize the musical and marketing potential they have, and form a very successful boy band. Dumbledore smiles down from above.
posted by Elisa on 7-12-2007 at 3:21 pm
Okay…Now that I read a few of the posts, I really regret the Star Wars Reference. I guess great minds think alike. That or there are very many of us that are ate up with Pop Culture.
posted by lunarbabee on 7-12-2007 at 3:23 pm
In the final book…
Harry will receive a challenge from Voldemort for a final duel on a barren, windswept sandy plain. Harry will teleport to the location of the duel where he stands face to face with Voldemort. Voldemort will remove his mask and reveal his true identity to Harry, Supreme Ayatollah Seyyed Ali Hossayni Khamenei.
Khamenei will explain, prior to the duel as is typical with British drama and overconfident Bond villians, that his purpose for attacking Harry and Hogwarts is an attempt to discover the secret location of Salman Rushdie.
Harry, in attempt to appease Voldemort/Khamenei teleports himself and Khamenei to Salman Rushdie’s exact location. They appear from a cloud of smoke in JK Rowling’s bedroom where they find Rowling and Rushdie in the middle of an unnatural act.
Harry and Khamenei combine their powers and annihilate Rowling and Rushdie from ever existence thereby ensuring the finality of the Harry Potter series and fulfilling Khamenei’s fatwah against Rushdie.
The annihilation of Rowling and her existence by Harry creates a space-time paradox that draws Harry, Hogwarts, all wizards, Khamenei and the entire middle east into a vortex casued by the tear a in space-time and disappear from creation.
Our children, freed from the intellectual bondage of Harry Potter, focus on math, science and philosophy and our world becomes a technologically advanced utopia devoid of conflict, war or religious strife.
posted by Echo5Juliet on 7-12-2007 at 3:29 pm
I just saw the new movie, and in it, it says that neither Harry or Voldemort can live while the other survives. Harry takes this to mean they have to fight each other to the death, but I have a feeling one (or both!) of them will just get hit by a car.
posted by Martha on 7-12-2007 at 3:30 pm
That’s brilliant, Eliza!
posted by Jason! on 7-12-2007 at 3:35 pm
I think Ron will be killed along with Hermoine. Harry loses his powers but lives , after killing Voldemort of course! Hagrid will also likely die.
posted by aBookworm on 7-12-2007 at 5:36 pm
As book seven opens, it is discovered that the Order has been operating under a false premise. The man they believed to be Albus Dumbledore was, in fact… Stubby Boardman, ex singer for The Hobgoblins! Clearly, then, Dumbledore is alive, a conclusion that is supported when he turns out to be an animagus who had been masquerading as Crookshanks.
Hogwarts reopens and Harry goes off to find the Horcruxes which, it turns out, Voldemort put a little more in than pieces of his soul. Taking a page out of Davy Jones’ book, he has divided up various organs and placed them in several magical artifacts which have been identified as a locket, diary, cup, ring, snake, and a sugar quill (apparently they were Ravenclaw’s favorites). Harry spends the year locating the Horcruxes (during which there are several angsty scenes culminating in Ron declaring his love for Hermione and Ginny getting so frustrated from 7 years of refusals that she forces Amortentia down Harry’s throat).
And so Voldemort turns up at Hogwarts for a final showdown. It is disastrous as it turns out there were SEVEN Horcruxes and no one realized that Voldemort made Ginny a horcrux when he possessed her in her first year. Unable to do the job himself, Harry begs Neville to do it. It turns out, however, that Neville is secretly in love with Ginny. When Harry learns of this, he kills her in a jealous rage and his anger is so powerful that Voldemort is blown to pieces (or the pieces that were still in him did).
…….
The screaming woke the nurses – the poor boy! Ever since Harry Potter’s parents were killed, he had been in a delicate mental state. As they ran to his bedside, he sat up and asked frantically, “Hermione! Ron! Where are they? What happened?”
The nurses shook their heads. “Poor boy. Another one of his dreams about his imaginary friends.”
posted by Lauren on 7-12-2007 at 5:53 pm
My prediction for Book 7 is that Harry and Voldemort find each other, quite unwillingly, on the same side. Who do they end up fighting together? Snape, of course.
The debate has always been this: which side is Snape really on? I say neither. Snape is in this for himself. He has been waiting for an opportunity to get his rival’s son (Harry) and the most powerful wizard of all time (Voldemort) together where one would conveniently kill the other off. Which dies first is irrelevant. The one left, weakened from the fight, would fall victim to Snape.
But something goes wrong, and his plan is discovered by both the boy-who-lived and he-who-must-not-be-named. For reasons of their own, self-preservation and a lust for power (respectively), Snape finds himself battling both together.
Snape will lose of course, as will Voldemort.
posted by Renee111 on 7-12-2007 at 6:09 pm
Harry dies choking on a Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Bean–Rotten Egg Flavor….sometimes “New Flavors” aren’t always the best idea…
posted by Sarah on 7-12-2007 at 6:15 pm
Suddenly, everyone was run over by a lorry.
The end.
(pace Michael O’Donoghue.)
posted by Muffy on 7-12-2007 at 6:46 pm
Harry will be charged with using steroids (bigger hat size was the clue). The investigation will reveal he was dipping his broomstick in “the clear”.
Hermoine will cash in on her fame with an MTV reality show (”Her/Hismoine”).
Dumbledore will be forced to undergo a complete overhaul after being found in violation of “No Child Left Behind”, leaving the school filled with overtested, overweight students, as well as their overbearing parents.
posted by Gewurz03 on 7-12-2007 at 8:05 pm
I honestly think that J.K. Rowling will leave the last ten pages blank and insert a small sound chip that plays Journey’s, “Don’t Stop Believin’”, so that children all over the world will “hold on to that feelin’” of joy while reading Harry Potter books.
posted by Leah on 7-12-2007 at 8:14 pm
I swear… Snape is going to declare his undying love for Trelawny, and the mental images of the pairing is going to cause Harry and Voldemort to join forces to smite them. Everyone will live in peace, praising the deaths of the worst couple ever.
posted by Meghan on 7-12-2007 at 8:23 pm
In the last chapter Harry will wake up in his broom cupboard being shaken by an agent with Child Protective Services. The walls will be covered in drawings and symbols of the magical world he has been living in for the past 6 years. He will be shipped of to the local hospital where he is suffering from malnutrition and dehydration. The Dursleys will be arrested and Harry will be sent off to live in an orphanage. There he will learn to live a life of crime and violence. Turtored by a boy 5 years older than him named Tom Riddle.
posted by amanda on 7-12-2007 at 9:56 pm
Ok, here’s my idea:
Harry will take out Voldemort, but only after Voldy kills Ginny. Harry is devestated and he becomes a drunk after he realized the prophecy is full-filled and he has no more reason to live. Fast-Foreword 20 yrs: Harry is working @ McDonalds and living with Ron and Hermione. Oh, and Harry also likes to walk through the local park on Sunday afternoons chatting with the snakes living in the bushes.
posted by Jacqui on 7-12-2007 at 11:43 pm
My guess: Harry and Voldy have a gigantic, chapter long ending duel that finished them BOTH off. Hogwarts will FINNALLY get a permanent Defense Againts Dark Arts teacher, everything will somehow work itself out thanks to no ultimate evil and Harry will postumously be a hero.
posted by heather on 7-12-2007 at 11:54 pm
Well, since it’s 1997…
Pressured by conservative religious groups, the United States demands that newly elected Prime Minister Tony Blair hand over all witches and wizards living in the U.K to stand trial, 16th century-style. Blair is throughly confused because he hasn’t had a briefing on the magical world yet and thinks America is playing an elaborate joke on him.
Playing along with the “joke”, Blair turns down the American ultimatum, but offers to extradite the Easter Bunny instead. This move angers both the U.S. and the Easter Bunny.
Meanwhile, in the magical world, Harry, Ron, Ginny, and Hermione are tracking down Voldemort. They kill him anticlimactically (four wizards in their prime against a septuagenarian, go figure) just as the combined forces of the U.S. and Easter Bunny rain down on Britain.
Protected by love (or something cushy like that) the foursome are the only survivors. As the final chapter ends, they begin a new task repopulating the U.K. and the magical world.
posted by Liffer on 7-13-2007 at 12:46 am
I can’t say for certain, but my gut feeling is that the path Harry is on will somehow lead to a show down with that dude we’re not supposed to name. Harry will kill him outright, but somehow all the dispelled magic from their fight will bring Nancy Drew and the Hardy boys down upon him and his pals and a fight to the death will go down with only Hermione surviving the battle. She will go on to become a veterinarian.
posted by David on 7-13-2007 at 12:56 am
Harry awakens nude in front of a horse being bombarded by flash bulbs… Then realises that all the magic in the world can’t undo his shitty performance in Equus.
posted by caz on 7-13-2007 at 1:34 am
I think that Harry and Voldemort will settle their “feud” with negotiations over tea, while death eaters and order members dance and celebrate. Harry and Voldemort with split England. To the right is Voldemorts domain and to the left is Harry’s. (just amagine how happy the muggles will be!)
posted by Meghan Glanville on 7-13-2007 at 6:06 am
In the end Harry will be in a nook under the stairs at his Dersley home looking at a castle snowglobe revealing he was autistic and it was all in his mind; a St. Elsewhere ending.
posted by Craig on 7-13-2007 at 8:07 am
Harry and Voldemort will meet face-to-face. Ron and Hermione will spend months trying to negotiate the size of the negotiating table. They’ll both realize they’ve both horribly understood each other and will get weepy and hug each other. Voldemort promises not to kill again and they’ll appear on Oprah.
posted by Maria on 7-13-2007 at 8:07 am
I think that Harry will live and Voldemort will die, but it requiers sacrifice on Harry’s part. I think one of the Weasleys are deff. going to die. Especially Ron and maybe Bill. Malfoy might become good at the end and be killed right after. Hagrid, I think, is also at serious (no pun intended) risk because he is so close to Harry and they are very good friends.
posted by Tejas D, on 7-13-2007 at 8:59 am
Harry will go back to Godrics Hollow, where he will run into Draco Malfoy. Malfoy ask to talk to him and confesses his undying love for Harry. All these years he has only been rude because of this.
Malfoy, Harry, Ron and Hermoine will set out together to find the horcruxes. They run into Voldemort, who once again tries to kill Harry, but Malfoy sacrifices his life for him, just like Harrys mother did. The spell bounces back on Voldemort again, just like last time.
posted by jules on 7-13-2007 at 9:59 am
I think Harry will wake from a dream and find himself married to Suzanne Pleshette. (Truely I am a HUGe fan and will be at the Barnes and Noble Midnight party next Friday)
posted by Mandie on 7-13-2007 at 10:04 am
Shoot to a modern day room, morning sun shining in, floor littered with In-n-Out burger wrappers and Monster energy drink cans. In the background you can hear the Grateful Dead softly singing the song Truckin’. Computer beeping, cell phone drops to the floor – pan up to very handsome 20’s something Harry’s face – sleeping – pan out to notice his face laying on an issue of Mental Floss on top of the computer keyboard. (I’m guessing there will be a bit of drool on the magazine which is almost more than I can bear to think of!!) Harry will jolt upright as his computer announces he has e-mail (more likely than not it’s the edition of Mental_Floss news). What a very vivid, strange, long dream it was……..I’m sure he will attribute this strange dream somewhat to the 6 monster drinks, 2 double doubles and mostly to his staying awake all night to read his newest issue of Mental Floss magazine, it’s a fact that too much brain activity makes you have long strange dreams.
posted by Rotten Robyn on 7-13-2007 at 12:40 pm
Probably a bit simple:
Harry Potter turns out to be gay.
And then everybody will reread the books in search for clues
posted by Dis on 7-13-2007 at 1:13 pm
Harry and Voldemort are locked in epic battle, and Voldemort ends up hexing Harry’s hand off. harry falls to the ground, and Voldemort says, “Hagrid never told you what happened to your father!” Harry replies, “He told me enough, he told me YOU killed him!” Voldemort says, “No Luke, I am your mother!!!” Everyone stops fighting and looks at him. Voldemort looks around, and relizes he said that out loud. “Shoot. No one was supposed to know about the sex change. NOOOO!!! My seceret has been reviled!!!!!” Voldemort flees in terror, never to arise again. Harry kisses Ginny, and the good side wins again. Harry is confused however, and goes to ask Remus what he meant. But he walks in on Remus and Sirius making out. Hary is more confused, then dies of an exploded nerve in his brain.
posted by Kayla on 7-13-2007 at 2:13 pm
Whoa! That list of facts was really interesting! LoL! I’ve never thought of that stuff before. Well… what I beleive will happen in the last book is that Harry doesn’t die. He defeats Voldemort in a “Bertie Botts every flavor bean” eating contest!!! Mu ha ha! By eating as many vomit, boger, and ear wax beans as possible! Lord Voldermort can’t possibly stomach such vulgar candy, but young Mr. Potter and his years of pranks and visits to Hogsmead, can stand its repulsing flavors and wins by a landslide!! Then they all live happily ever after and Voldermort goes to Azkaban forever.
posted by Kal-El on 7-13-2007 at 3:08 pm
well, obviously, the goverment would deem hogwarts to old to live safely in, and everyone has to go home. slowly all the witches and wizards die out. harry has to go back to the dursleys and lives as a jobless and homeless loser for the rest of his life.
posted by billy barnes on 7-13-2007 at 4:19 pm
Harry and Voldemort go mano a mano in a series of seven contests, including Battleship, Clue, electric football, and Twister. Harry wins, starts a rock band with Voldemort.
posted by Farruca on 7-14-2007 at 12:02 am
Harry wakes up one day in a white-painted room with four limbs tied down to the bed. Just before he has the time to realise what’s going on, a nurse walks in to send Harry his breakfast and a cupful of medication. RIght, this is a mental institution for the youngsters like Harry who’s been struggling with a split personality and incapability of handling reality. That’s why they put
Everything happening in HOgwarts are afterall just a dream.
posted by toratora on 7-14-2007 at 5:03 am
Harry, Ron and Hermione will dissipate into eternity when Hagrid falls on them in their pursuit of Voldemort. Voldemort will be revealed as a sweet and kind wizard who was under a spell as long as Harry was alive….. or……Harry will awaken to find that it was all a dream and he is still living with the dreary Dursleys.
posted by Rana on 7-14-2007 at 7:01 am
alright, there are a couple important factors to The End:
1. malfoy? not totally evil. (see failure)
2. harry? doesn’t know how to destroy horcruxes without the aid of giant snakes teeth.
3. hermione? knows nothing about horcruxes, is in love with ron.
4. ron? in love with hermione.
5. ginny? smokin’.
now, with these important plot points established:
the deathly hallows is obviously where the final showdown takes place (see every other book) so let’s just skip to that part. ron and hermione had awkward people sex, so when ron leaps in front of hermione, taking the full hit of an avada kedavra, she is distraught but also is pregnant and the child and hermione both are protected by love. malfoy shows up out of nowhere and can’t kill anyone, so an angry voldemort kills him. harry’s like, whoa, come on, what did he do? at least i sapped all your powers. and voldemort’s all, he got in my way. so harry makes some terrible pun in a serious voice and shouts “yippee kai yay, mother f—” as he sideways jumps and shoots spells rapidfire at voldemort with two wands (he picked up ron’s). voldemort inexplicably bursts into flames (and they’re in a cathedral, did i mention that? they are) and raises his arms to the side and looks up, becoming a jesus metaphor. harry looks up, realizes that he has turned voldemort into a jesus metaphor and himself into evil by performing various Unforgiveables, so he thinks “what the hell” and does a curse so that the people in the stained glass start crying tears of molten metal, and since all the death eaters were there, obviously, the tears cover them all and they are all trapped in… let’s call it iron. and since everyone knows that magic can’t go through iron, harry can’t do anything to them and they can’t do anything to harry. effectively having committed murder, harry turns the statue of jesus in the front of the cathedral into a horcrux of his own and magics all the death eaters and voldemort elsewhere. so there’s no damage in the cathedral, nobody really knows what happened, and harry is immortal (no longer with the capacity for love) but claims to have done so in order to always be able to take care of the wizarding community. in 200 years, nobody remembers voldemort and harry causes Armageddon. oh, but then the descendant of ron and hermione’s love child shows up and saves the day without turning evil. so the world is eventually saved by love. hooray! sort of.
posted by carlton on 7-14-2007 at 12:21 pm
Harry and Voldemort will discover that magic and witchcraft really don’t exist. They and Hogworts disappear in a flash and a cloud of steam, and we go back to discussing the finer points of the greatest entertainment of all time, The Three Stooges.
posted by Uncle Charley on 7-14-2007 at 4:43 pm
Harry beats Voldemort but loses his powers in the process. Harry still likes to fly so he becomes a pilot for Virgin Atlantic airlines.
Hermoine becomes headmistress at Hogwarts, marries Neville and makes him the new dark arts teacher.
The weasly twins Fred and George figure out how to domesticate the dementors and sell them to Muggle households as watch dogs/central air conditioning units.
Ron settles down as a used broom salesperson and marries the first person to sleep with him.
And all lived happy ever after.
posted by Jay Salmon on 7-14-2007 at 6:29 pm
My prediction may not make you smile, but I make it in real:
I predict that Mrs. Weasly will die, just like Lily did, and her death will be the catalyst that brings the Deatheaters to their destruction.
The Weasly twins will frustrate many Deatheaters on the way to their destruction by pure IRRITATION!! The jokes they sell will become weapons that Voldy will not be able to handle. And all because he had their Mum killed!!
Nevile will kill Belatrix – by accident!
The arch in the Department of Mysteries will reveal it’s meaning and that Dumblydoor will re-appear by HP’s side as a Phoenix. I also predict that that Dobby and even Gwap will help fight the Deatheaters.
Harry nor Voldy can “live while the other survives”…this means that they can NOT have a life! Once HP kills Voldy his scar will disapper and he will be able to LIVE a true life, one without fear or despair.
posted by Professor Alyeska on 7-14-2007 at 9:13 pm
The “lightning bolt” on Harry’s forehead turns out to be an “N” ….. standing for Neville. Neville is the true wizard from the prophecy who will defeat Voldenort. And doing so, he becomes Minister of Magic. Harry is unable to be happy without being the “star” wizard and goes over to the dark side and becomes the next dark wizard. Ginny Weasley in in love with Harry and will bear his twin children who are both leaders against the dark lord….oops…is this beginning to sound like Star Wars?
Rowling will have to go back and write episodes 1,2 and 3 and we will learn that the 7 books we now know are really episodes 4 to 10.
posted by Nancy on 7-15-2007 at 11:18 am
Maybe this will make you smile. Here’s my silly prediction:
The series ends with Harry having a food fight with Voldemort. It gets messy, as relish and Dijon mustard splatter across the room.
Amidst the struggle between good and evil, an Iron Chef type battle ensues where Voldemort threatens Harry with death by chocolate.
Harry concocts a coconut-cream pie and throws it in the face of his rival. To his surprise, the Dark Lord doesn’t get upset, but smiles, as it reminds him of his mother (who was stereotypically always in the kitchen).
Remembering the few happier moments of his youth, the feeling of love overwhelms him and causes his heart to shatter into a googolplex Reese’s Pieces.
Bottom line: Bad guy dies and the good guy is left to consume large amounts of delicious fatty food.
P.S. If Harry dies, there will be mention of HP Sauce and steak.
posted by Mary Shaw on 7-15-2007 at 1:02 pm
In the end it only mattered – who could eat the most hot dogs? Sure Voldemort was an adult, but Harry however did grow 6 feet, 7 inches over the summer. And sure, Voldemort did weigh more than Harry, but Harry compared to the rest of the other kids looked like a little plump baby sucking on a hotdog shaped pacifier.
But now, it all came down to this. Who could truely eat the most hotdogs? It was on, each shoving mouthful after mouthful of a little piggy down their throat. Harry, however was eating faster than Voldemort only because he heard his name being chanted, and he knew he had to play the hero today. However, Voldermort sensed that Harry was winning, so he killed Ron, who was just saying, ‘Harry’s got game, got fame, is really looking fine -.’
Now, it was on. Harry looked like he was finishing first, but Harry didn’t know that. Once his plate was cleared, he shattered that thing to bits and ate chunks of glass. After that, he began to eat the table cloth. Voldemort noticed Harry’s strange habit, and quit eating to watch the boy who lived turn into the boy who ate.
Harry didn’t stop there, but next he ate the grass around him, the chair he was sitting on, and next his own foot! Voldemort just stared.
Harry first ate his left leg, than his right, and finally was at his head, the last part he could eat. When that was gone, Voldemort thought he had won. But, Harry ended throwing himself up and he reappeared like magic.
So, Harry had come to finish the deed that he knew had to be done before the hotdog eating contest. ‘One must live while the other dies…’
So, Harry stood facing Voldemort and waited until Voldemort turned around to kill Harry.
posted by Allison on 7-15-2007 at 6:33 pm
Last chapter: Harry and Volemort are fighting to the death. At the same exact moment, both point their wands at each other and scream “AVADA CAD….”
Then…
Bob Newhart wakes up next to Suzanne Pleshette and says, “I had the weirdest dream!”
posted by Tim on 7-16-2007 at 10:36 am
Through some foolish notion of loyalty, Weasley ends up knocking Potter unconscious before the final battle; he is accused of being a Death Eater and runs off. During the final battle it is Draco Malfoy, after having been marked with the Dark Mark, who succeeds in killing Voldemort. Snape will play a large part in setting up this scheme, though his machinations do not become obvious until the very end; he is awarded an Order of Merlin, first class, and all charges against him are dropped. Ginny Weasley also proves to be a major player in the end.
posted by K. on 7-16-2007 at 11:31 am
Last scene:
I think Ron, Harry, Neville will be sitting in Dragon Diner in Hogsmeade. Hermoine will be running late becuase she can get the Thestral to come down. – Slowly, in walks Voldemort in a Wizards’s Only jacket and sits at the counter. – Harry orders Ollie Ott’s Every Flavor Onion Rings. – In walks Draco and the boys and they begin to play some tunes on the be gramophone. – In the corner is Filch and some 1st year Slytherins giggling. – Later, Voldemort gets up to go the bathroom – Harry plays a song by Weird Sister. The book ends with Hermoine coming though the door and someone wispering “scar”.
Cut to black
posted by Georgio on 7-16-2007 at 2:21 pm
ok, Ginger, Dumbledore dies….
I personally think that Hermione should go get a life, and Ron should stop being such a jerk about everything and go get some reading like the Idiots Guide For Quidditch and Harry should just ‘chillax’ and stop worrying so much!!!! He can’t save the world, well, I guess he can………
posted by Harry's girl on 7-16-2007 at 8:59 pm
Ha. Because you actually think J.K. Rowling wrote a seventh book?
Listen. Put yourself in her place. She has millions of diehard fans, most of whom will buy her book on release night. This is her last book, so there’s no need to even try anymore. Sure, the first few pages will look legitimate, but once you hit chapter 3 (The Queltchy Quicksand), she just starts writing stream-of-consciousness style. Y’know, whatever pops into her head.
“Ron and Hermoine totally do teh hot makeouts Harry’s sad boohoo OGNOES VOLDEMORT BWAHAHAHAHAHA YOUR GONNA DIE MUDBLOODS expellaramous!!!121 asdlkfjsad;lkjs dahwae sadpoihaehew;lkh ash;lsa;lkdha;jdlkf”
Rowling’s further dominance over the home keys continues for about five hundred pages until the final sentence where Harry says, “Dang too bad Ron and Hermione died, now my heart hurts almost as much as my scar!” THE END.
Well, either that or she’ll just copy-paste the entirety of Tolkien’s “The Hobbit”. Heck, it worked for the Chinese. (Google “Harry Potter and Leopard-Walk-Up-to-Dragon”)
And how will anyone know any better than to buy the book? Even those people who don’t purchase it on Day One will be hiding in their basement, away from the internet and television, desperately avoiding any hint of a spoiler to reach their virgin ears and eyes. They’ll have to read it for themselves, and by then it will be too late. Rowling will already be holed up in her castle, armed with soap to fight off all the angry, sweaty nerds who will undoubtedly try and kill her. Or at least convince her to write an eighth book.
posted by Steven Clontz on 7-16-2007 at 10:21 pm
Full on turf war. House against house. Ron and Hermoine will be injured and unable to help Harry when he and Voldemort meet in battle. Harry dies but not before seeing Neville kill Voldemort.
posted by Cbaca on 7-17-2007 at 6:55 am
I think Harry and Voldemort will kill each other at the exact same time, with help from Neville,Ron and Hermione(who will get marry, through eloping)
posted by Beka on 7-17-2007 at 4:35 pm
With Hogwarts closed for the year, Harry, Ron, and Hermione head out to find the remaining Horcruxes. In searching out and destroying the Horcruxes, Harry learns that his scar is in fact a horcrux. Needing help in releasing Voldermort’s little piece of soul from Harry’s brain he is forced to turn to Snape for help. It is now that Snape reveals that he was maddly in love with Harry’s mom and that Harry is really Snape and Lilly’s love child. Snape reveals himself to Harry asking him to join him in destroying Voldermort so that they can rule the wizarding world as father and son.
posted by Sabrinna on 7-17-2007 at 10:44 pm
Dumbledore’s grave is vandalized by some neighborhood thugs.
Voldemorte summons one too many spirits – of the alcoholic kind. He is found dead on the basement floor in a small pool of saliva and with an open bottle by his hand.
Harry turns emo and starts a goth-punk band. The other students at Hogwarts are annoyed by this and ignore him until he simply melds into the background.
Hermione develops self-image problems and is found puking in the bathrooms. She then writes a book about it, and becomes a multi-millionaire overnight. She is rumored to be attending wild parties and gets caught in possession of hard drugs. She goes in and out of rehab, and after several years hosts a dull talk show that many bored middle class citizens will watch for decades decades to come.
Ron realises he was molested as a little kid. He gives up magic and becomes an insurance salesman instead.
Oh and Snape? He’s really just a CIA agent who infiltrated Hogwarts to control the spread of free ideas and keep some damaging information about the government from reaching the Muggle world.
Hey, who said it has to be realistic?
posted by Daniel on 7-18-2007 at 9:22 am
With the minister of magic egging him on to turn to the dark side of magic, Harry will stand up to Voldemort in a duel.
It will be a stand off until Voldemort tells Harry ” I am your Father” and cuts offhis hand with a Light Saber.
posted by Laser Doc on 7-18-2007 at 12:26 pm
mad eye moody dies, so does hedwig
posted by anon on 7-18-2007 at 1:03 pm
Ok, here’s what will happen:
Harry, Ron, and Hermione will return to Hogwarts, a bit sad about Dumbledore, but life must go on. In fact, Dumbledore was simply playing a trick on the whole wizarding world concerning the dying thing (the old wiseguy) and at the beginning of school comes back. At first everyone, including McGonagall, who relished her power as headmistress, is more than a bit irked, but soon they all realize that Dumbledore is the next Jerry Seinfeld and should be on “Last Comic Standing”.
So the school year goes on, with all sorts of dark and suspicious events happening along the way, of course. Ron and Hermione eventually hook up, although they are constantly interrupted while snogging by Dobby, who worships Hermione and S.P.E.W.
Draco is, of course, thoroughly evil, yet he’s still too much of an ass to actually do anything evil. He still hates “Mudbloods”, but towards the end of the book those other haters decide they were being too harsh on those nice people so they throw a concert extravaganza titled “Live Mudblood” in order to “raise awareness”. They are all promptly sued for using “Mudblood”, which is politically incorrect, but they really did have good intentions. The headliner was, obviously, the Weird Sisters.
Hagrid and Madame Maxime have very cute giant babies who are fluent in both French and Grunt-speak and have fetishes for dragons, who they keep as pets.
Snape cannot decide if he should be good or evil, so instead decides to be gay. He and Lupin have at it.
Harry and Ginny continue their relationship, while she aids him in finding the remaining Horcruxes. This all culminates in a dark battle at the end, in which Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, the Order, a few others, and the wizard version of Bono all fight THAT-TERRIBLE-MAN-WHOSE-WE-MUST-NOT-SAY(voldemort)OH-MY-GOSH-I-JUST-SAID-IT. They are triumphant in the end, but there are still followers, because of course the world cannot be perfect.
The End
(Oh, and the wizard Bono writes a song about the whole thing, which turns into a multi-platinum hit in the wizarding world.)
posted by erin on 7-18-2007 at 3:03 pm
I think Harry will retrieve the horcruxes: Nagini the snake, Slytherins locket, and Hufflepuffs cup, and something from Ravenclaw. The diary and the ring have already been destroyed. I think Harry’s scar will turn out to have been a horcrux: which was used up (and thus no longer a horcrux once used) when Lord V restored himself with “enemy’s blood” in Goblet of Fire.
posted by afw on 7-18-2007 at 8:25 pm
Ok here it is,
This new book incorporates pop music. J.K. Rowling is thinking ahead to the movie…
The Death Eaters throw a party celebrating the return of Voldemort. They sing a version of Justin Timberlake’s “sexyback” titled “Voldemort’s back”. Sample lyric: “we’re bringing Voldemort back (yeah!) you other wizards don’t know where he’s at (yeah!)”.
Harry gets in a showdown with Voldemort, who actually took over the body of Britany Spears (and ya’ll wondered why she shaved her head and had to go into “rehab”…I would too if I were channeling a dark wizard.)
Harry falters in the fight, and Voldemort taunts, singing “Hit me Harry, one more time”.
Time for some help, so Harry breaks into Rihanna’s “S.O.S.”. The Hogwarts crew arrives, and they all defeat Lord Voldemort. And proceed to burst into a round of “We are the Champions”.
posted by Lauren on 7-18-2007 at 10:06 pm
And they all lived happily ever after.
The end.
posted by Jason! on 7-19-2007 at 12:03 pm
What about a Monty Python ending?
After 20+ chapters of searching for horcruxes and thwarting one another, Harry Potter, et al faces off against Voldemort and Company across an empty plain.
Just before the firefight starts, the police and Scholastic Corp. roll up and arrest everyone for leaking the book online.
The end.
…Or maybe a twist on the above?
Voldemort and Harry are dueling their final duel. Harry has learned a secret spell that can defeat Voldemort instantly, and uses it at a crucial moment in the fight… only to see it fail.
“Why didn’t it work?”, Harry gasps as Voldemort gloats over him.
“Easy,” says Voldemort. “I already knew what you were planning to do because I snuck a peek at the final chapter online…”
The end.
posted by Jason! on 7-19-2007 at 1:01 pm
At the wedding of Fleur and Bill, Ron will finally kiss Hermione, which provokes Fleur’s little sister, Gabrielle, to perform the imperius curse on Hermione and make her lie about her feelings and slap Ron. Ron is overpowered by Gabrielle’s feminine/veela wiles and falls deeply in love. Also because he’s stupid.
This causes tension within the trio, which Harry cannot overcome in order to feel truly happy and produce a patronus to fight off the mass of dementors which has been drawn to the wedding. But fortunately, Fred has just proposed to me and I have happiness out the wazoo which I utilize to save everyone’s souls.
Harry returns to where he thought godric’s hollow would be, but cannot see it because pettigrew (the secret-keeper) never told him where it was. However, he does find sirius’s flying motorcycle in the bushes. Score!
Harry continues Dumbledore’s tedious task of collecting and destroying all the horcruxes, which is easier than he expected thanks to Kreature’s vast knowledge of the Dark Lord’s doings coupled with his habit of talking aloud to himself, and also to the well-timed exclamation of the word “spoon” by a masked man in a blue suit complete with antennae.
Fred, George, and I battle Voldemort’s half-brother who is called the Riddler (after their father, Tom Riddle). It’s a violent, hilarious scene in which the Riddler ultimately explodes after a particularly tricky riddle. It was grass! (I lied about the legs)
Turns out Snape was in love with Harry’s mom, which explains the spiteful/protective feelings and also Dumbledore’s confidence in his loyalty. For how could he ever be loyal to the man who killed his only love!?
Harry kills Voldemort.
posted by Leslie on 7-19-2007 at 1:04 pm
Shenanigans. Lots and lots of shenanigans.
posted by Bill T. on 7-19-2007 at 1:24 pm
Col. Potter with Margaret’s nylons during erotic asphyxiation.
Or
Mr. Potter beats Harry to death with Harry Bailey’s Medal of Honor.
posted by Going Like Sixty on 7-19-2007 at 1:28 pm
My prediction focuses on Ron and Hermione’s budding relationship.
They will definitely date. Harry dies and this makes the young couple realize their own mortality – to cement themselves to each other (and Harry), they get married. But they argue constantly and Hermione often belittles Ron’s intelligence. He is extremely jealous and constantly brings up her old flame, Viktor Krum.
“Ron, I just wish you would take the trash out without me having to ask you five times.”
“Oh yeah? Why don’t you get Viktor Krum to take the trash out? He’s probably better at it than me anyway.”
Eventually he gets drunk on firewhisky at the Three Broomsticks and shags Madam Rosmerta on the bar top late at night after closing. Hermione had put a charm on little won-won so that if Ron ever used it with someone else, he would break out in hives (similar to the charm she put on the D.A. coins that spelled “sneak” in pimples on the tattletale’s face). So she finds out because, obviously, Ron breaks out in hives. They divorce. They remain the same circle since they are both in the Order of the Phoenix, but she will only refer to him as “Ronald” in a very icy tone.
She remarries former Gryffindor Quidditch star Oliver Wood, who is now the Michael Jordan of professional Quidditch. She eventually becomes Hogwarts Headmistress upon the death of McGonagall.
Ron, however, moves in with Fred and George as he can no longer afford his own place. He has a series of one-night stands and flings and eventually gets the disappearing disease (A wizarding STD) from one of his trysts and dies.
posted by Stacy on 7-19-2007 at 1:37 pm
Harry finally deposes Voldemort through a series of silly words and wandering subplots.
Harry feels empty afterwards, and realizes that he cannot truly destroy Voldemort, because Voldemort at this point isn’t so much a person as an idea. So he pledges to go on a door-to-door witchhunt (no pun intended) looking for death eaters.
posted by Alex on 7-19-2007 at 1:51 pm
I think harry Potter will have a split personlity, who will turn out to be a ghost, named Khazier Sosai (sp?)
Also They will be on earth the whole time, it will be the future and Harry Potters Enemy will end up being his dad.
And his Magic Wand is named RoseBud.
ok i’ve never seen a movie or read a book or that would have been more detailed or accurate.
posted by Eric Edgar on 7-19-2007 at 2:02 pm
hermoine dies
posted by Shark on 7-19-2007 at 2:10 pm
Harry will end up moving to the states, where he’ll enroll in, most likely given the practical nature of his wizarding abilities, a trade school or two-year practice focused community college program. Had he chosen to study wizarding theory, the liberal arts route may have been an option… though I digress.
This community college would most likely be located in one of the mid-western states because that is where all the children of wealthy/famous/abusive adoptive muggle parents for safety.
While at said community college, Harry will become enamored with a sweet local girl named Shirley. Shirley’s father drives trucks, her mother teaches at a local elementary school. Harry finds this charming.
Sometime between years 1 and 2 of his community college experience, Harry will accidentally “forget” to wrap his wand and will knock up Shirley. Shirley’s parents are upset at first, then they decide to support Harry and Shirley’s decision to have the child.
The book ends with Shirley in stirrups in the delivery room with Harry holding a video camera he checked out from the community college’s AV club (he is out-going President). After Shirley’s final push, the doctor quickly pulls up the baby to show the proud, unwed parents. Before the Doc has the baby high enough to see, however, it slips out of his hands, falls on the floor, and slides right out the door. Shirley passes out and falls off the bed resulting a pool of blood comedic in proportions to her head wound. Harry in an effort catch his not-bride, slips in the blood, and lands on top of his wand which managed to be resting perpendicular to the floor – an unfortunate wand-resting tradition among wizards in OB/GYN wards that positioned the wand perfectly for fitting in Harry’s backside right to where the sun don’t shine. Hermione, who gave up academics and has been supporting her dream of acting by working as a cross-dressing night club singer, runs to pick up Harry with her steroid-enhanced muscles. Unfortunately, s/he trips over Ron and sends them both into a large kiddie-pool full of chocolate pudding which may seem out of place but obviously now serves a purpose as a comedic device. Hagrid – who also came to support Harry – is so angry, a large vein in his forehead literally bursts all over the two nurses who had previously sought shelter from the all the bodily fluids that were now streaming across the room. In Hagrid’s last living breath, he looks up to the doctor and booms, “What Do you Call THIS!?”
The Dr. stammers backwards, shuffles his feet, and says, “The Aristocrats!”
posted by JMP on 7-19-2007 at 2:39 pm
On their way to fighting Voldemort, the kids get tired and eventually wind up renting a flat together in downtown Denver with Kreacher. The book will end in a pitch for a series that will run weekly on the WB. Ron and Hermine will enter into a long term relationship while Harry will play the swinging bachelor who continually manages to find his way back to Ginny a la Ross and Rachel. Voldemort makes an appearance in a special cliff hanger only to reveal that he is bringing their story to the stage and the cast is all former death eaters. Draco Malfroy will ironically play the part of Harry Potter while Neville plays Draco who in a rewrite turns out to be a bumbling buffoon. The show will be canceled after 5 seasons as the writing is horrible. This leads to a spin off called Harry loves Ginny in what will be the end of their show biz careers.
posted by Nathan on 7-19-2007 at 3:30 pm
Draco and Hermione have a secret love affair and she gets knocked up only to be expelled from Hogwarts. Ron drops out of school to take care of Hermoine and the coming baby. He works nights at the Quidditch accessory manufacturing plant. Harry is depressed since his friends have left and in a fit of manic depression, he kills Draco without provocation. This act forces him to acknowledge his deep dark side and he decides he must kill Voldermort only to become him. The narrative ends on that dark note and the characters continuing their lives as is, but now with a stronger, more youthful fear. The name Harry Potter is said to be never ever spoken again. Darkness falls over the land like never before, but life goes on.
Rowling ends the novel with this Postscript: “Since most of you are well over the recommended age reading level for this book, I would like to ask you to please go out and get a life! Seriously, you are probably in your 20’s or early 30’s, go have a beer and talk about GenXer stuff!!! I mean, you guys are reading children’s books that are as long as Tolstoy novels and that is just sad. ……Oh, and your D&D powers don’t work in the real world. Thank you for your hard earned cash. Tootles, J.K.”
posted by Jeffrey Foster on 7-19-2007 at 4:43 pm
Almost every other character in the story comes to a sticky end, and then Harry at the ripe old age of 17 discovers that Laser sailing is more interesting and complex than that Quidditch folferole and leaves Hogwarts to train to win the UK Laser spot in the 2012 Olympics. Thanks to his magical powers he can spot every windshift and easily beats all the muggles and the RYA select him as their candidate. Unfortunately in the medal race the judges rule that his magical insights count as outside assistance and disqualify him under Rule 41 thereby allowing a 64-year-old formerly British recently naturalized Virgin Islander to become the oldest person ever to win the Laser gold medal at the Olympics. Good triumphs over evil. Ron and Hermione finally hook up and name their first child Tillerman and life goes on.
posted by tillerman on 7-19-2007 at 5:05 pm
The last word of the book really will be scar. Here’s an excerpt:
“Voldemort raised his wand, red eyes flashing. ‘It ends here, Potter!’
As the green flash flew towards Harry, he felt a jerk and suddenly woke up, laying on the old, vomit covered couch in his parents’ basement in Aurora, circa 1973. His good friends Ron and Hermione lay passed out on the floor on top of one another. Ron was not wearing pants.
“Wow, what a gnarly acid trip!” Harry exclaimed. “SCAR!”
posted by Sean B on 7-19-2007 at 5:43 pm
I think that Voldemort will most likely retreat to the mountainous region of Pakistan where he will be holed up and release outdated pictures of him to the newspaper.
Harry’s approval ratings will continue to drop until he retires from wizardry and begins to pull some of the savings he’s accumulated from extorting Hogwarts. He will then marry Hillary Clinton and become the first first man.
As for Ron and Hermione, they will become the power couple of the century. They will move to the US where, Hermione’s over spending will be thrust into the main stream paparazzi media and she will get her own reality show about a rich UK housewife transplanting herself and hubby to the US. Ron will run for Governor of California and win.
posted by GSaar on 7-19-2007 at 5:54 pm
Hermione and Ron will die in eachothers arms, and at the end Harry will walk from their graves wondering why he, out of everyone in the world, was chosen.
posted by Will Breen on 7-19-2007 at 6:24 pm
Harry Potter is a Horcrux, therefore he has to die for Voldemort to die along with him.
So Harry dies first, Neville finishes Voldemort off.
Draco is still pussyfooting around with a major identity crisis, while Ron and Hermione fall in love and end up having brainiac red-headed children.
posted by marianne jette on 7-19-2007 at 6:51 pm
We will find out that Voldemort was in fact… Harry’s childhood sled.
Ron and Hermione are long lost twins and they will find that Snape is really their father.
Draco can see dead people.
posted by Ryan on 7-19-2007 at 9:12 pm
The leaked version will have an embedded mp3 of Madonna screaming furiously at downloaders for breaking all sorts of copyright laws and slouching in front of their screens.
She also reveals that this seventh book is just a decoy – there’s an eighth book coming out, by which point it will be utterly unrealistic for any of the current movie actors to reprise their roles as teenagers, thus leaving movie-going Harry Potter fans everywhere bitter and unsatisfied.
posted by ruach on 7-19-2007 at 9:51 pm
Dumbledore didn’t die, but polymorphed into the only thing that Voldemort would not suspect, a car. Harry meets the car early in book 7 but doesn’t make the connection; later it rams some Death Eaters, and drives him Ron and Hermione around for a while.
He cannot turn back for some reason. It falls in love with the Weasleys’ flying car.
posted by Brian Seward on 7-19-2007 at 10:58 pm
Harry will survive when Voldemort tries to kill him and it backfires, again. Ron and Hermione will keep trying for boys, but have nothing but daughters. The sword of Griffindor was intended to be the 6th Horcrux, and was recovered from Godric’s Hollow by Dumbledore after the attack. Rowena Ravenscroft’s wand will tell Hermione how to destroy the Horcrux within without also destroying the wand itself. It lies. Hagrid and Olympe will get married, but he will die before the birth of their only child. Arabella will use magic to try to save her brother, Argus – but will fail.
posted by DenverRedHead on 7-20-2007 at 12:01 am
And they all lived happily ever after.
The End.
posted by Sally on 7-20-2007 at 7:49 am
Harry will kill Voldemorte, graduate from high school, and then go to a mid-level wizarding college. He’ll marry young, get an entry level job doing data entry, and sit at a computer for the rest of his life. Typing on websites that ask you whats going to happen next in the Harry Potter series and reading wikipedia to feel better about going to work, because at least your learning something. Then his wife will divorce him because he used to be attractive but now he just wants to eat and sleep all day. Because he’s sad.
posted by Justin Turner on 7-20-2007 at 8:50 am
COUPLES
Harry and Ginny will get married.
Ron and Hermione will hook up but break up.
Bill and Fleur will break up (against Fleurs will).
Tonks and Lupin will hook up then die together.
DEATHS
Harry- almost positivly will die but both Harry and good ol’ Voldy will also die because the prophecy says so (basically both live or both die)
Order of the Pheonix- all dead except for mad-eye moody.
Ron- Dead
Hermione- Alive
Ginny- Alive next to Harry dead.
Snape- Most definetely killed by Voldemort (Snape is not evil guys admit it you know he had to kill Dumbledore because it was him or Dumbledore dead, Snapes not great but he is still on the winning team)
Wormtail- Dead
Percy- Dead
Twins(Fred and George)-Alive
Prof. Mcgonacall- Alive- she’ll try but she won’t get in Harry’s way.
Harry is a Horcrux
When Voldemort killed James he said that he would spare Lily’s life. I believe she knew the prophecy and couldn’t let it slide besides the fact she loved her son. He wanted harry dead so he wouldn’t need a horcrux but she stopped him with her death.
Hogwarts
will be open but only for harry’s use of Dumbledores portrait.
Have a nice day.
posted by MOLARICURLY on 7-20-2007 at 9:39 am
First of all, Dumbledore is not dead. He had the sorcerer’s (philosopher’s) stone for while that gave him some immunity from the killing curse (if in fact Snape) actually used it on him). He may have it still even though he told Harry that it was destroyed.
Second, Snape is a good guy. Dumbledore has said repeatedly that he trusts Snape implicitly. I think the argument they had was that Snape has afraid Dumbledore would not survive the curse. Also Snape did not want to be known as a traitor. One thing interesting about Snape is his animosity toward Harry. It was well-founded. Harry’s father was a bit of a**hole in his school years, and he singled Snape out for special punishment. James Potter senior was the BMOC and Snape the nerd. It was Snape that James shoved into the locker and gave wedgies to.
Now her is what will happen.
Voldermort will die again. Keith Obermen had an interesting take. His idea was that Harry’s scar was a hoxueos. That is why it throbbed so when Voldermort was nearby. I like that. Obermen also thinks Harry will not die but lose his magic powers. I like that as well. I think Snape will die trying to save Harry. Voldermort tries a sneak attack. Snape warns Harry and is killed for it. Harry has enough time to engage in a final battle.
Miscellaneous:
JKR as said for years that the last word in the last book was “scar”. I know she has backed off on this a bit but I think the word before scar is “no”.
Like most others, Neville Longbottom will turn out to be wizard of prodigious powers. JKR may even say that he will become one of greats of his generation. And eventually be headmaster.
Ron and Hermione do hook up.
Hermione is the “Best Girl of Hogwarts.
Sirius is dead and does not appear.
Hagrids’s dragon and Beatlebeak (Sp) make an appearances.
Hagrid dose not die.
Petunia is Lily’s sister, but despite what some think is not revealed to have any magical
Vernon Drusely has some secrets of his own. There was a method to his treatment of Harry.
posted by Frank ryan on 7-20-2007 at 10:24 am
Harry will do great battle with Voldermort, he will see Ron killed to protect Hermione, Neville will be gravely injured, along with many of his other friends such as Luna, and Hagrid… It will be a horrible battle, many dying on both sides… Then, Harry triumphs over Voldermort! As he surveys the destruction – the scene fades out…
Harry wakes up, the whole thing has been a dream, he has no powers, and there’s no such things as wizards… He just is back in his sucky life with his aunt, uncle, and cousin… Bummer!
posted by The Countess on 7-20-2007 at 1:18 pm
It will end a la Wizard of EarthSea.
posted by Debra on 7-20-2007 at 5:21 pm
As you all know, J.K. Rowlings wizard story comes in seven parts. In the first book, Voldemort tries to kill Harry. In the second book, Voldemorttries to kill Harry. In the third, J.K.R. shakes up things in a major way: Voldemorts “HELPER” tries to kill Harry. Book #4? Zap, we’re right back to Voldemort trying to kill Harry. And now its time for the big-screen version of book #5. It appears Volde has more nasty plans for Harry. I believe Harry is put on trial for several things. ! he stands accused of growing up so uncute that even pedophiles no longer download his photos. He also stands accused of having or possessing just 2 acting techniques: either standing around in opened-mouthed astonishment, or petulant outburst of anger! Although it hasn’t been confirmed, he and or J.K.R. stand accused of taking 7 books to get to the ending of a so-called saga that could have been knocked off in just 2 maybe 3 books, and relying on bogus suspense! Although its not against the law, he should also be accused of being a world famous celebrity who still can’t figure out how to get a date! He is represented by Voldemort who eventually becomes friends knowing that if Harry’s career comes to an end so does his. He points out the stupidity of “does Harry die in the 5th book of a 7 book series. Go figure! You see nothing or no-one else matters since all the weight of the outcome of the trial will decide everything! Take some prozac or valium and wait to see what happens next. You will nees it!
posted by John Brown on 7-21-2007 at 11:29 am
i read the book, and my school(Audubon ms in LA) is going to the kodak theatre this monday, and the ones who wrote an essay get a book signed by Rowling!!!!!! cant wait to get it! i already read it and i fell in love with it
posted by The outsider on 10-8-2007 at 7:00 pm
shisha is one of my favorite things to do.
Its very relaxing and gives you a nice buzzz
posted by hookahshisha on 3-3-2008 at 4:58 pm