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The only time a nickname has ever offended me was in kindergarten, when my teacher started calling me Jason the Mason. See, Jason the Mason was a brick-working pig from a book we were reading. I didn’t take kindly to being called a pig, so I broke down in tears. Now, with 15 more years of experience under my belt, I’ve learned that words really will never hurt me, so I was more excited than weepy when a friend turned me on to the drawbacks section of babynamer.com. Babynamer is a site run by the Oxygen network ostensibly for new parents, but I found it plenty interesting. Even though it’s got tons of information about every name, from origin to alternate spellings to namesakes, the highlight is the drawbacks, which lists the most creative ways to make fun of someone’s name. These lists can prepare children for all kinds of bullies, be they oddly creative (‘Caterer’ for ‘Kaitlyn’), cruel (the Mitch page is obviously ruthless) or remarkably intelligent (‘Anatomical John,’ a reference to famed anatomist John Hilton).
Because I know all the bullies who read our site want more ammo, here are some drawbacks for Mental Floss writers, courtesy of babynamer.
David- Crazy Davey, Dave the Slave
Becky- Becky the Techie, Beckalini
Chris Higgins- Rye Crisp, Chris Piss
Will- Will the Pill, Iron Will
Jason- Space Case Jase, Jaywalk
InternJason- InternSpace Case Jase, InternJaywalk
Sandy- Sandy-tized for your Protection, Sandy Beach
Maggie- Mag-a-Rag, Maggie who Brings her Lunch in a Baggy
Mangesh, Ransom and Miss Cellania all escaped without any drawbacks, but feel free to suggest some in the comments.
Comments (33)
Comment
This reminds me of the Saturday Night Live sketch with Nicholas Cage where he and a girl were trying to name their baby. Can’t seem to find a clip of it on the internet to share. But if you can, you should, it’s hilarious.
posted by Melissa on 8-4-2007 at 6:00 pm
Funny, I immediately thought of the episode of the Simpsons when Homer chose Bart’s name.
posted by Jack on 8-4-2007 at 6:05 pm
I was reminded of the British version of Queer as Folk. When Stuart’s son is born he asks his geek-ish friend to run a check on the suggested name of Alfred. The friend says it might be a bit dodgy because of the sitcom Alf but ultimately decides its a marvelous name since Alfred is the name of Batman’s butler.
If I had a kid I’d be just as concerned about pop culture references as odd nicknames. A co-worker named her kid Gavin. Every time she mentions him, the Love Boat theme starts playing in my head.
posted by Camille on 8-4-2007 at 6:38 pm
Mangesh- John Tesh
Handsome Ransom, altho that isn’t much of an insult…
posted by Rich on 8-4-2007 at 8:11 pm
Ransom Pants-’em
Mangesh- Ohmygosh
Hah. When I first looked up my name and saw “jiliferd” and “jilly vanilly” as drawbacks, I almost fell out of my chair.
posted by Gillian on 8-4-2007 at 8:54 pm
Oh, come on!! Some of the nicknames are so out there. And yet THE name that you just know everyone looked up to confirm… they list everything BUT the obvious.
Dick
In German, dick means thick and fat.
‘’Dick'’ is a slang term for a detective.
A British term for a detachable shirt front is ‘’dickey.'’
‘’Uncle Dick'’ is British rhyming slang for sick.
Uh-huh… and…? Aren’t we forgetting another drawback to naming your son Dick? Anyone? Bueller?
posted by captnkurt on 8-4-2007 at 11:31 pm
I got plenty of “handsome ransom” in elementary school, and heard a lot of people declare that they were “holding ransom for ransom.” Also, turns out you don’t even have to use another word to make fun of someone’s name — just say their name in an annoying, drawn-out and vaguely derogatory-sounding way, like “Raaaaaaansoooomm!”
That said, I don’t envy Mangesh his John Tesh.
posted by Ransom on 8-5-2007 at 7:57 am
So Ransom is your real name? I always thought it was just an ‘net handle. I can’t help but think about the character in the C.S. Lewis space trilogy when I see your name. Ever read that set? A bit dated, but a good read nonetheless.
Couldn’t help but look up my own list of family names; my Dad’s name (which I didn’t think was all that uncommon) isn’t even there. Funny how Dave shows several drawbacks, but David has none.
posted by Dave on 8-5-2007 at 9:56 am
I can’t find the YouTube Clip of the “Asswipe Johnson” SNL sketch Melissa mentioned, but here’s a link to the transcript:
snltranscripts.jt.org/92/92ababynames.phtml
posted by Jason on 8-5-2007 at 10:08 am
the sad thing about my name is that the drawbacks are a lot of the silly names my mom and dad called me as a kid… thats pretty pitiful
posted by ashley on 8-5-2007 at 12:40 pm
Well, the most popular in elementry school for me was…The Nina, the Pinta an the Santa Maria. Kinda of a mouthful but that’s what the kids favored. I never really took it a an insult though. I also got Nina Ballerina, again, not much of an insult. I did hear Neener-neener a lot too. Meh. They weren’t very creative.
posted by Nina on 8-5-2007 at 1:13 pm
Ah, my name, or pseudonym, is already a joke. Some on the net call me Missy, which can go with sissy or prissy but is already bad enough by itself.
Believe me, my real names, various married names, and professional pseudonyms ALL have jokes attached!
posted by Miss Cellania on 8-5-2007 at 4:15 pm
Something tells me (babynamer) that those InternJason drawbacks are fabricated by InternJason, not the website. Still, I’m going to use them.
posted by Spencer (Pants Her) on 8-5-2007 at 5:35 pm
haha, because im a girl, anytime i imagine a cute baby name, i immediately think of any sort of “nicknames” for said name
my name, unfortunately, has the whole annie banannie, fee fi, for fannie
and then the musical Annie
i had a jolly old fun with the name game as a child
posted by Annie on 8-5-2007 at 8:21 pm
Of course then there’s always puns on the last name. I got a lot more of those growing up. Now that I’m an adult I get “like the porn star?” or oh Sean-Michael like the wrestler! But as a kid I got a lot of jokes made out of my last name, like Spaghetti Gettys (cuz I was skinny) it doesn’t fit these days LOL
posted by Sean-Michael on 8-5-2007 at 9:54 pm
I know it’s not terribly derogatory or spiteful but try having the name Michael (or Mike) in the heyday of Life Cereal’s “Mikey Likes It” ad campaign. If I had a nickel for every time I heard “Mikey likes it!”, I would have had enough money to buy out Quaker Oats.
In hindsight it wasn’t a traumatic experience that left scars but it was intensely annoying in grade school.
posted by Mike on 8-6-2007 at 7:02 am
the site showed no drawbacks for HOPE…you’ve got to be kidding me! I sure didn’t make it thru childhood unscathed. And NO, I don’t know the POPE!..in case you were wondering
posted by Hope on 8-6-2007 at 7:48 am
The worst I got in elementary school was Davey Crockett, which I rather liked, so it ain’t no thang.
Just by looking up friends’ names, I found Jenna-talia to be quite hilarious
posted by David on 8-6-2007 at 8:20 am
So I was looking up my niece’s name to procrastinate at work, thinking that since her name is Jenna, Jenna Jameson would be the biggest drawback. I was very wrong. Turns out I think “Jenna-talia” is the worst afterall. And it also seems that Cody might endure “scrody” at some point. But something tells me kids are not nearly that clever.
posted by Sami on 8-6-2007 at 8:33 am
This is the best website ever! I ran all my potential babies’ names through, and so far there’s nothing too horrible. For my name, it lists Cinderella, which my brothers used as a nickname (more like the Disney-fied “Cindy-relly”), but never offended me.
For Cynthia, they do list “sin tía” which is Spanish for “without an aunt,” and, strangely, I have no aunts, so that one’s appropriate–though I’d love to meet the kid who’d come up with that one on the school yard and intend it as an insult. . . .
posted by Cynthia on 8-6-2007 at 9:21 am
Oh golly that was fun! I’m a Natalie, sometimes Nat…I’m not surprised to see Brat or Gnat (ha ha you’re a bug!) but I’m shocked to see Natty Gan, my second grade alias. (The Journey of Natty Gan was an awful Disney movie about a chick and her wolf hopping trains…I think) But Noodlie?!
posted by natlynn on 8-6-2007 at 10:01 am
In kindergarten and first grade, I went by Tony. If I had a nickel for every time I heard “Tony Balony ridin’ a pony”…
Shortly thereafter I switched to Anthony.
posted by Anthony on 8-6-2007 at 10:50 am
I don’t even need to look mine up. Whether referencing a toilet, or a certain client, my name has been through the muck enough, fer sure.
posted by John on 8-6-2007 at 11:02 am
Have to agree that it’s unlikely that anyone will come up with some of these nicknames. If someone called my six-year-old Mallory “Maelstrom”, I would truly be astonished (although on her bad days, it just might be appropriate).
posted by B on 8-6-2007 at 11:04 am
Thankfully, the kids I knew never got creative enough to come up with Neeter, Neeter, Peter eater. But it took me a while to stop answering every time my father yelled from his workshop, “I need a….”
posted by Anita on 8-6-2007 at 11:26 am
Yep, pretty much all the ones I heard as a kid - Watermelonie, Smellanie - but they didn’t have the one that I accidentally gave to a friend (who wasn’t clever enough to think it up himself) in my early 20’s - Melanoma.
posted by Melanie on 8-6-2007 at 11:30 am
I’m a Melissa who’s been called “Lizard” and also “Mel-anoma” and “Mel from Hell.”
posted by Melissa on 8-6-2007 at 1:51 pm
They missed the Maryellen, Scary-Smellin’ connection. That is my favorite way to refer to my sister-in-law. (We do get along well)
posted by n2y2 on 8-6-2007 at 1:54 pm
There are no listed drawbacks for Constance. Obviously they didn’t know the kids in my elementary school who called me “Constipation”.
Oh yeah…
That was fun.
posted by Connie on 8-6-2007 at 2:46 pm
I never had trouble with my name as a kid, other than there being too many Meagans with myriad spellings. I do sometimes go by Nutmeag now, but that works b/c I am a bit of a nut. :-)
My poor brother, Eric, on the other hand, did suffer a bit. Earache (which was on the list) was one of them, but more often Airhead. My personal favorite was one from my uncle: Eric from Kerrick (I always thought it was a town in nearby Oklahoma, but I’m not finding a listing for it).
My sister, Jessica, only got stuck with Messy Jessy, which was often appropriate.
posted by Meagan on 8-6-2007 at 10:51 pm
I was fairly fortunate in nickname-wise in school. I was always afraid somone would call me ‘heifer’ or something, but I guess I was too nice…or small. My friend used to call me Pepper, though, which I HATED. And apparently a teacher called out my name as ‘Hester’ during a roll call.
My main problem was my last name. Whenever a substitute does roll call in the morning (yet another reason I hate roll calls), 4 out of 5 times they’ll mispronounce it. The annoying thing about it is that it’s 3 letters long. argh.
posted by heather on 8-7-2007 at 2:08 am
stinky flesh mangesh
posted by katie on 8-7-2007 at 7:03 am
I was the only one who ever came up with Amberger in elementary school. I guess my classmates weren’t that creative. I thought it was obvious, but I wasn’t going to help them out.
My parents have always called me Am and Ambie. I still sign my name that way when emailing them.
Tru wasn’t even on the site.
posted by Tru on 8-7-2007 at 10:26 am