mental_floss magazine
SUBSCRIBE >
GIFT SUBSCRIPTIONS >
DIGITAL SUBSCRIPTIONS >
subscriber services >
I think it’s high time I incorporated a little Shakespeare into these Word Wrap posts. Here are a few lines from Hamlet (Polonius speaking to the Queen) I often quote when asked what I think the essence of humor is:
Therefore, since brevity is the soul of wit,
And tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes, I will be brief: your noble son is mad…
Yes, indubitably brevity is the soul of wit (and lingerie, according to Dorothy Parker, but that’s for a whole other post). Think about how short some of the funniest quips are:
- “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” - Groucho Marx
- “I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.” – Woody Allen
- “I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.” - Steven Wright
- “In Beverly Hills…they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.” – Woody Allen
- “If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.” - Dorothy Parker
- “Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it’s all over much too soon.” – Woody Allen
- “Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.” – Groucho Marx
By comparison, here’s a quip with a long setup:
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought– particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.” – Woody Allen
I used Woody because I used him in the shorter examples, too. Yes, he’s still a comic genius, but the lines he’ll always be remembered for are the short ones, in my humble opinion.
Have a favorite quip, witticism or quote you’re particularly fond of? Or do you want to show us how witty you can be with an original? It’s the interactive part of the Wrap folks! Lay ‘em on us.
Take my wife- Please.
Henny Youngman. Not my favorite, but it IS short!
posted by Miss Cellania on 9-7-2007 at 3:46 am
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it. - Steven Wright
posted by Tdave on 9-7-2007 at 4:13 am
‘The next best thing to knowing something is knowing where to find it.’
posted by dr. Gary Katz on 9-7-2007 at 4:53 am
As stated above Steven Wright was quite adept at the short quip. George Carlin, on the other hand, was the master of the long setup.
posted by gus on 9-7-2007 at 5:48 am
Oh, basically everything Dorothy Parker ever said…or anything that’s since been attributed to her.
posted by Becky Travis on 9-7-2007 at 5:51 am
“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend, inside a dog it’s too dark to read. Groucho Marx
posted by lordstoli on 9-7-2007 at 5:54 am
“My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people’s.”
Oscar Wilde
posted by Renacier on 9-7-2007 at 7:11 am
Thanks for that Miss C. I always thought Groucho invented that one!
posted by David on 9-7-2007 at 7:13 am
It’s always in the last place you look.
posted by Bassman on 9-7-2007 at 7:32 am
My apartment is infested with panda bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. - Mitch Hedberg
posted by Dusty on 9-7-2007 at 8:26 am
this list wouldn’t be complete without a quip (or three) from Steel Magnolia’s:
“If you don’t have anything nice to say about anyone, come sit next to me!”
“Time marches on honey, and pretty soon you realize is going straight across your face.”
“I’m not crazy M’lynn, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for the past 40 years!”
posted by mri on 9-7-2007 at 8:33 am
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” ~Redd Foxx
posted by BeckyJ on 9-7-2007 at 8:33 am
really anything by Oscar Wilde, but in honor of Friday and it’s happy hour:
“Work is the curse of the drinking classes.”
or
“I can resist anything but temptation.”
posted by Karen on 9-7-2007 at 8:53 am
Misc. short quips I like…
Mark Train:
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”
“Get your facts first and then you can distort them as much as you wish.”
“Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
Groucho Marx:
“Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.”
“A child of five could understand this! Quick, fetch me a child of five.”
“I’d horsewhip you if I had a horse”
Dorothy Parker:
“You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.”
“This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.”
Mitch Hedberg:
“I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”
“I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
“This shirt is dry-clean only, which means it’s dirty.”
posted by Jason! on 9-7-2007 at 9:10 am
“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”
-Mel Brooks
posted by gibson8tor on 9-7-2007 at 9:38 am
“It was a woman who led me to drink, but I never wrote to thank her.”
W.C. Fields
“I’d never be a member of a club that’d have me as a member.”
Groucho Marx
“Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a left.”
unk.
Have to excavate the archives for more - these are just a few I could remember off the top of my head…
posted by Doc on 9-7-2007 at 9:54 am
“I am a deeply superficial person.”
- Andy Warhol
posted by Keeker on 9-7-2007 at 10:30 am
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
posted by Betsy on 9-7-2007 at 10:32 am
Douglas Adams:
“Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.”
Mark Twain:
“Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.”
Groucho Marx:
“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception”
Bill Watterson (Calvin & Hobbes)
“I’m not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.”
William Shakespeare:
“I dote on his very absence.”
Irish Proverb:
“Many a time a man’s mouth broke his nose.”
Jess Original:
“I exercise in futility, I find you burn more calories beating your head against the wall!”
posted by Jess on 9-7-2007 at 10:49 am
This one is a little longer, and I may be paraphrasing a smidge but one of my faves is a Groucho Marx story from the film “Tristram Shandy”:
Groucho Marx once met a woman with 7 children. He asked her, “Why do you have 7 children?” She said, “Because I love my husband very much.” He told her, “I love my cigar, but I take it out now and again.”
It’s much funnier in the movie, I swear.
posted by fishchick on 9-7-2007 at 11:22 am
Mark Twain (for all us Californians!)
“The coldest winter I ever spent was summer in San Francisco.”
I heard Groucho Marx said this one too. He was interviewing a woman who had sixteen children. When he asked her why, she answered, “Well, I guess I just love my husband.” Groucho replied, “I love my cigar, too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.”
posted by Allison on 9-7-2007 at 11:28 am
Oscar Wilde:
“I am a man of very simple tastes……….I am always satisfied with the very best.”
posted by Russ Kowalski on 9-7-2007 at 12:26 pm
I was just going to quote the Mitch Hedberg one about dry cleaning… I love that guy.
So instead, I’ll do one of my originals. Notsomuch funny, but it’s short and sufficient. It applies to just about anything, but I apply it mainly to over-produced music, or an overload of trendy clothing:
“Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.”
Maybe someone else made it up, but I aint never heard it before me so I’ma call it my original.
posted by Molly on 9-7-2007 at 2:51 pm
Mark Twain:
“There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.”
Stephen Wright:
“Is it weird in here, or is it just me?”
And another from Stephen Wright that I swear he got from my dad:
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”
posted by Anita on 9-7-2007 at 3:46 pm
Oh…and an album review from the 80’s. I think it was in Rolling Stone:
Wham!: Ouch!
posted by Anita on 9-7-2007 at 3:48 pm
He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Winston Churchill
Be careful of reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain
What a splendid head, and yet no brain
Aesop
posted by Nathan on 9-7-2007 at 4:05 pm
Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker!
posted by sara on 9-7-2007 at 4:06 pm
Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I’d put arsenic in your morning coffee.
Churchill: Madam, if you were my wife, I’d drink it.
posted by kc on 9-7-2007 at 4:23 pm
I find the symmetry of the list in the original post aesthetically pleasing. Very feng shui.
I have a little bit of a grudge against Oscar Wilde. The man lived for his one-liners, so much so that it seemed to me that his plays just served as a vehicle for them. That said, the one-liners themselves are pretty good.
I also love Mitch Hedberg. But the only line I can think of off the top of my head is:
“I tried to walk into a Target store, but I missed.”
posted by Iris on 9-7-2007 at 6:38 pm
Does running late count as exercise?
posted by Colin on 9-7-2007 at 7:05 pm
kc - another famous Lady Nancy Astor - Winston Churchill exchange:
LNA - You sir, are drunk!
WC - Yes, I am. However, in the morning I shall be sober, while you will still be ugly.
posted by mri on 9-7-2007 at 7:08 pm
The Groucho remark about loving his cigar was from the quiz show You Bet Your Life. One of the cable networks reran some episodes a few years ago, and I got to see that one. I adore the Marx Brothers!
posted by Miss Cellania on 9-7-2007 at 7:11 pm
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin (or her writing partner, I can’t remember. Sorry.)
posted by Christine on 9-7-2007 at 8:20 pm
“There Are Three Kinds Of People Out There: Those Who Can Count And Those Who Can’t”…
posted by donner on 9-7-2007 at 9:20 pm
Arg, Donner was to quick for me! My middle school orchestra teacher used to say that a lot. Some of the ohter students never got it…
A variation I heard is
“There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don’t”
posted by heather on 9-8-2007 at 1:04 am
Scratch away the false tinsel of Hollywood and you’ll find the real tinsel underneath. - Oscar Lavant
I’ll admit that I can be immature, but I’m mature enough to admit it. - Me (Tdave)
I’ve put my foot in my mouth so many times I have athletes tongue. - Me
posted by Tdave on 9-8-2007 at 2:51 am
Correction: Oscar Levant (not Lavant)
posted by Tdave on 9-8-2007 at 2:59 am
“Why do today what you can’t put off until tomorrow”
“Every good deed starts with a good intention”
My daddy
posted by Amy on 9-8-2007 at 1:26 pm
I believe I’m growing skeptical of cynicism. - Chuck Lorre (tv producer)
It’s amazing how intimidated people can get when you don’t let them intimidate you. - Tdave
posted by Tdave on 9-10-2007 at 1:51 am
Murphy’s Law
posted by D. Levy on 9-10-2007 at 6:11 pm
If you must hold yourself up to your children as an object lesson, hold yourself up as a warning and not as an example - George Bernard Shaw
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead - Stan Laurel (?)
To err is human, to moo bovine - unk
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it’s limits - Albert Einstein
Hanlon’s Razor - Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
posted by mrdna on 9-10-2007 at 6:49 pm
“if you’ve got nothing to do, don’t do it here!” — my Dad (don’t know where he got it)
posted by brix v b on 9-12-2007 at 8:01 pm
“It’s not the ups and downs that make life difficult, it’s the jerks.” - Charles Chaplin
Keep Hands and Feet From Under Mower! - Lawnboy
posted by Tdave on 9-15-2007 at 2:51 am
“Experience is the comb life gives you after you’ve lost all your hair.”
Don’t know who said that one.
posted by Larissa on 9-17-2007 at 5:04 pm
Doc posted:
“Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a left.”
unk.
The next clause to this is:
” . . . and two Wrights make an airplane.”
Also, UKN.
posted by Oscar on 9-27-2007 at 3:02 pm