Doug Williams is a dear friend of mine, and he also happens to hold the Guinness World Record for Longest Nipple Hair. The paperwork arrived the other day: with his 5.07-inch-long nipple hair, he officially beats out Simon Mould of the UK, whose prize hair was 4.5 inches.
The measuring ceremony (pictured) took place this spring in Brooklyn, attracting the attention of The Brooklyn Paper:
It might seem excessive to bring in a medical doctor for a single hair, but the Guinness Book requires that the measurer is a licensed doctor with “standing in the community.” And that’s just one of many complex regulations imposed on the record-breaking event. Williams filled out pages of paperwork, the hair had to be measured three times and photographed, and it had to be wet during the process.
Since the picture doesn’t offer a clear view of the hair, here’s a list of items that are roughly the same size as Doug’s World Record achievement:
- A market squid’s giant axion (a nerve fiber controlling the squid’s escape mechanism)
- An elephant beetle
- The claw of a harpy eagle
Q&A and naming contest after the jump…Q&A with Doug Williams, Guinness World Record Holder of the Longest Nipple Hair…Read on for details on how Doug needs your help in naming this champion hair.
Doug, congratulations on surpassing Mr. Mould’s record-length nipple hair. Have you heard from him at all?
I haven’t heard from him, but if anyone knows where he is just have him get in touch with me so we can work it out and exchange techniques and common dreams.
Are there any other world records you want to break?
I’m open to anything. I’ll probably break some other record at some point. I don’t want to be chasing records, I’ll let them come to me.
Your nipple hair seems like a character. Has it appeared in any of your dreams?
I had anxiety dreams when I was right around the official nipple hair measuring–like throwing it on a BBQ, things like that.
How have your parents responded to all of this?
My parents are very supportive that someone from my family’s finally done something with his life.
You have a brother. Is there any rivalry with him over your accomplishment?
My brother Rob has grown a much longer beard than me now to compensate.
If you & your nipple hair could appear in any kind of commercial, what would it be?
Probably a series of PSAs to make the world a better place.
When it comes to interpreting our own lives, I think we tend to be eisegetes. But let me ask you this: what’s the message implicit in your 5.07-inch nipple hair?
I think the message is right out there, and it says be everything that you can be.
Who are your heroes?
Predecessors, previous record holders, Hank Aaron–I see myself as a Hank Aaron with nipple hair–it’s a pure record. As I’ve said before, I know that someone will come along who’ll be the Barry Bonds of nipple hair who’ll be juicing on Rogaine and I’m happy to be a natural man.
What are you reading currently?
I’m reading a book about salt. I like to eat salt and I like books with one word titles that say what they’re about.
What are your plans for the future?
To showcase my domination of the sport by continuing to break my own record in an annual nipple hair party/pig roast. I want to break my record every year.
**SPECIAL NAMING CONTEST**
The Longest Nipple Hair in the World needs a name! Doug hasn’t thought of one yet…So he’s asking for your contributions. The winner will receive a personal letter from Doug, along with an autographed photo of the nipple hair.
Comments (20)
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How about Flossie?
posted by Mimi on 9-17-2007 at 9:34 pm
Kenny.
posted by Lindsay D on 9-18-2007 at 6:33 am
How about Jimbo. Jimbo seems like a good name for the world’s longest nipple hair.
posted by Witty Nickname on 9-18-2007 at 7:14 am
Pardon my insensitivity, but how about, “Anybody Know Where I can Get a Life?”
posted by Doc on 9-18-2007 at 7:15 am
Doc, you obviously have never met Mr. Williams. He is a god among men.
posted by Sarah Paradise on 9-18-2007 at 8:08 am
Oh, and as for the name–for some reason, the very first thing that popped into my head was Princess Buttercup.
posted by Sarah Paradise on 9-18-2007 at 8:09 am
Viola.
Sounds almost like “violin” and that hair reminded me of a violin string.
By the way, how many categories are out there for the Guiness World Records???
posted by Sweet Pea on 9-18-2007 at 9:42 am
Since the longest nipple hair came from a hirsute man, I believe “A Hair Named Sue” would be appropriate.
posted by Adrienne on 9-18-2007 at 11:02 am
This guy is a hoot! Salt! lol
posted by Johnny Cat on 9-18-2007 at 11:44 am
Mr. Whipple!
posted by eeyore on 9-18-2007 at 12:09 pm
This scares me.
posted by Cedar on 9-18-2007 at 1:12 pm
so so gross
posted by Zewt on 9-18-2007 at 1:32 pm
oh man! i have a total of about ten nipple hairs, but i sometimes get one that grows freakishly long. it seems to have fallen out, but hopefully it’ll come back and i can go for the record. you can see a picture of my buddy, nippy, in the link.
posted by jesse on 9-18-2007 at 2:55 pm
Is it just me, or does Becky have the. . .oddest postings on this site?
posted by Michael on 9-18-2007 at 4:05 pm
1.)
Pemba’s Nipple Cord
after the sexiest african myth ever:
pemba-moves-to-earth-on-an-umbilical-cord
or
2.)
The Nipple Staircase after the Coil song/album Anal Staircase
###
TRAVERSE CITY
rRaucqh ON 4EVaH
Peace
peacE
pEACe
posted by Kevin on 9-18-2007 at 5:21 pm
“Only male lions have manes, which can be from a light tawny color, to a ruddy yellow, dark brown to almost jet black. The lion’s mane is thought to make the animal look bigger, and so frighten off any animals, like hyenas, that would want to attack the pride. It is also speculated by some scientists that the lion’s mane is a sexual cue to the females. It is discovered that females preferred male lions with fuller and darker manes. Unfortunately, the male lion cannot hunt for itself due to its mane; it does indeed make the lion look bigger, and so it cannot hide as well as the females in the grass, and becomes conspicuous to prey animals.’Just like other cats, and carnivores, lions have numerous thick whiskers, also known as vibrasse. These sensitive hairs help the lion to navigate around in the dark. The longest whiskers are on its upper lip, called the mystacial whiskers.”
It is for this reason that I vote we name Doug’s nipple hair (which I am proud to have touched) “Mr. Mystactic!”
posted by Deirdre on 9-18-2007 at 7:11 pm
i did some photoanalysis last night and the conclusion was that my nipple hair had only grown to 4.08 inches.
posted by jesse on 9-19-2007 at 8:55 am
Dang, The longest nipple hair I found is only 2.75 inches, but I did find two new moles that were hiding under my chest hair.
posted by Tdave on 9-20-2007 at 3:50 am
So who won?
posted by Adrienne on 10-1-2007 at 9:11 pm
The jury is still out…Updates soon!
posted by Becky on 10-3-2007 at 6:51 pm