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A truly useful article came up on 43 Folders this week: Jeff Bigler’s “tact filter” theory. The notion is basically that normal people (hereinafter “normals”) apply tact to what they say, so as not to offend; whereas nerds apply tact to what they hear, ex post facto. In practice, this means that normals communicate well with other normals, and nerds with nerds — but when you mix the two communication styles, nerds become frustrated and normals take offense. Here’s a sample from the original article:
When normal people talk to each other, both people usually apply the appropriate amount of tact to everything they say, and no one’s feelings get hurt. When nerds talk to each other, both people usually apply the appropriate amount of tact to everything they hear, and no one’s feelings get hurt. However, when normal people talk to nerds, the nerds often get frustrated because the normal people seem to be dodging the real issues and not saying what they really mean. Worse yet, when nerds talk to normal people, the normal people’s feelings often get hurt because the nerds don’t apply tact, assuming the normal person will take their blunt statements and apply whatever tact is necessary.
I work with a broad spectrum of nerds and normals on a daily basis. I’m pretty sure I’m on the normal end of the scale, unless I’m talking shop with known nerds in my field. It can be very liberating for me to drop the tact filter and “Go Nerd” on favorite nerd topics like aquaria, computers, office supplies, documentaries, etc. When working in a mixed team of nerds and normals, I often make statements multiple times, once in each style (usually I try “normal” first), and let the listener pick the one that fits. (Yes, this is the kind of high-priced Management Thinking I bring to my work….)
You can read the original article by Jeff Bigler (it’s short), then read a nicely-illustrated post on lonelysandwich. If this whole tact thing is news to you, read up on tact or perhaps buy the Tact Magnet.
So, do you fall towards the “nerd” or “normal” end of the spectrum? Do you constantly have to adjust your filter for a particular coworker, or perhaps your spouse? Are these questions totally tactless?
Comments (18)
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I’ve just discovered that I am officially a nerd! I am definitley tactless when I talk to people. Maybe that’s why I have trouble making friends around here….
posted by Marika on 9-27-2007 at 10:55 am
I think that I go both ways. When talking to my friends, I apply the tact filter to what I say. When I’m talking with my fellow engineers I, as you put it, “Go Nerd”. I like it. Let’s put it on a t-shirt.
posted by Lindsay D on 9-27-2007 at 11:44 am
i blame this on the “normals” inability to take things at face value :) just because i’m blunt doesn’t mean i don’t like you or disrespect you. it means i need you to understand something so i say it as plainly as possible so there’s no confusion. my tone is a better indicator of whether i’m being a jerk or not :)
luckily i work with a bunch of nerds and people that manage nerds, so it’s rarely an issue.
posted by Jared on 9-27-2007 at 11:48 am
Wow, I know someone like this . . . and he is a nerd (or geek, actually). I can go both ways. I’m blunt with my friends, because they’re used to me, but I’m perhaps too nice with people I don’t know so well.
posted by Meagan on 9-27-2007 at 12:19 pm
Well, I already own the tact magnet, so you might be able to guess which way I’d go.
I definitely apply more tact with people I don’t know as well, though. Those who know me know what I’m trying to say.
posted by Samantha on 9-27-2007 at 1:48 pm
Maybe those “tactless nerds” actually have Asperger’s syndrome, a form of autism in which highly intelligent people have problems in social interaction.
posted by chris on 9-27-2007 at 1:53 pm
i know know the exact problem. i am never seen to have tact because as i have been told that when i try to be tactful i often come off as flip or sarcastic.
and sometimes i recognise this when i am arguing with my boyfriend who just uses normal regularly but realises sometimes i don’t understand because i need it put a little more bluntly as opposed to making me wade through all the double meanings.
i just talk like this because i didn’t have a lot of appropriate social contact when i was young.
posted by Sue on 9-27-2007 at 2:16 pm
I’m more of a free-range weirdo who tends to the Nerd end of the spectrum. I simply do not have time for bullshit when talking to people. Listen to what I’m saying and god help you if I have to repeat myself.
This is why I’m not a teacher.
posted by Rachel on 9-27-2007 at 2:27 pm
oooh, i’m a BIG nerd. although, i CAN be tactful, i find it more entertaining to address “normals” as if they were “nerds” and watch them squirm.
posted by mri on 9-27-2007 at 2:43 pm
I’m not surprised by the article because I actually noticed this phenomenon of geek-to-geek and normal-to-normal conversations being different a long time ago. I AM a teacher (college), and while I am pretty plain-spoken, I know how to be diplomatic. The point made by Chris in comment #6 is well-taken. I often wonder if my Uebergeek husband has a mild case of Asperger’s (his sister has it for real). He’s the nicest person in the world, but he genuinely doesn’t grasp that certain topics shouldn’t be discussed with non-family members, or that it is inappropriate to talk about certain things in particular social situations. For example, he once wanted me to add a note to a sympathy card that we were sending to friends whose child was stillborn and tell them that we wanted to invite them to dinner sometime.
On the other hand, I know plenty of much more socially adept true geeks and geeky types, too.
posted by danwil on 9-27-2007 at 3:14 pm
I tend to exist neatly between both of these worlds. My father is an ubergeeky computer scientist who I’ve long suspected as a mild Asperger’s case. My older brother is a successful timeshare salesman. I grew up, in other words, with people at either end of the sociability spectrum. As a result, I tend to use a great deal of what your shrink would call “style flexing”: that is, I tend to alter my speech patterns to fit the style of my audience more than vice versa. While some people would say this means I’m a bit of a sheep, I see it more as taking the path of least resistance. I’ve had a lot of jobs in my day, occupying many diverse levels of the social strata, and I’ve rarely had trouble communicating effectively with anyone. It’s not something I think about consciously, simply an ingrained desire to be understood and to coexist harmoniously with others. While both the “normal” and “nerdy” styles have their advantages, there is usually little advantage to be gained from a situation where everyone else thinks you’re obnoxious or maladjusted.
posted by El Tigre on 9-27-2007 at 4:19 pm
I go for extreme tact. I have in-laws. I also have little children who must learn this art.
posted by Miss Cellania on 9-27-2007 at 4:20 pm
I’m naturally tactless, but I’ve learned to fake it to get by in business. I was raised in a family of “nerds” by this definition. Strangers are usually shocked by the things we say to each other but we don’t mind it at all because we know what we mean.
posted by Sara on 9-27-2007 at 5:54 pm
I think I probably lean more towards the “nerd” side, if only because I’m so sarcastic that every time I try to be tactful, people think I’m just being sarcastic again. Besides, who has time for saying anything but what you mean?
posted by Pointy-Hatted Geek on 9-27-2007 at 6:07 pm
You should try looking at the MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator)…the middle two of the four letters are communication styles. It’s more of a full personality style and communication type than anything to do with tact (although there are some that are purposely not tactful).
posted by Alana on 9-27-2007 at 8:08 pm
Great post but I believe it only really scratches the surface of the spectrum. I don’t really think that the far right could be considered normal. I myself would like to believe I live and free range between the two, but I think there’s something beyond normal. There’s a whole group of people who are both tactless in both thought and speech- I’d like to call them San Diegans.
posted by Jenks on 9-27-2007 at 8:21 pm
Definitly nerd, big time… If only I could use the Asperger’s syndrome excuse (I mean excuse not suffering from it of course). One thing tackless to say in the room and I’ll find it.
But what makes me a Nerd… I don’t care.
posted by Valerie on 9-28-2007 at 2:42 am
Wow, this makes me feel much better. I’m definitely one to apply a thick layer of tact to everything I say, and I am often miffed when certain types of people speak to me bluntly. I have developed the ability to apply tact to their words after the fact, but I am generally annoyed that the other person didn’t make any effort to apply tact to their own speech, as I did with mine.
However, this makes me feel much better, because now I know, the people who do this don’t mean anything by it, it’s just how they communicate. Interesting.
However I know some very non-nerdy people who have no tact, and are in fact quite callous, just because they don’t care about offending anyone. Guess that’s a whole other class.
posted by Molly on 9-28-2007 at 12:15 pm