So, we are flying back to Beijing, my wife, me, the two girls, and my mom who is coming to visit us for a couple of weeks. The flight is mercifully half empty and we spread out for the long flight, girls confiedently dosed with Dramamine. My watch alarm is set so I remember to give girls second dose in aout 7 hours.

Midflight Mom starts to feel ill (a hangover made worse by cabin air I suspect) and spreads out across some empty seats. My watch alarm goes off for the next dose of Dramamine but both girls are sounds asleep. I make the fatefull decision to let them sleep. Sometime thereafter the younger daughter wakes up having wet herself rather severely (who knows why). How severly? Imagine standing in the aisle of a 777 holding a seat cushion literally dripping urine into the aisle. The flight attendants are angles, bag up the offended cushion and steal a dry one from an empty seat. We change younger daughter into dry clothes.

Now older daughter wakes up vomiting violently from air sickness. In case you don’t know, once the vomiting starts you can’t dose Dramamine effectively. You just have to ride it out. So we spend the last 3-4 hours of the flight with older daughter wretching on a regular basis.

To recap, Mom is sick with a hangover (I suspect) lounging across multiple seats. Younger daughter has decided to test whether a seat cushion can truly be used as a floatation device by peeing all over it. Older daughter is quickly running through the entire supply of air sickness bags.

Just before landing a flight attendant walked back from first class with an unopened bottle of champaign. She presents it to me and my wife telling us “this is for you once you get home. You’ve earned it!”.

I’ll take snakes any day over that.

1. My Dad is the king of “stand in that parking spot while I get the car.” So, often, my sister and I get to play the petite (if chubby, in my case) blonde lady in distress about to be gunned over by some jerk in a 4×4. (To those who say parking is first come, first served: I saw the spot first, and already served myself to it. Go park somewhere else.) And here’s the deal, my Dad won’t back down. So basically, it’s a choice between a random unknown angry 4×4 man and known angry father.

Recently, my incredibly adorable 17 year old sis was holding a spot for my Dad at a trendy restaurant near the local mall. This is one of those restaurants that probabaly should have valet parking, but doesn’t. People often park their Mercedes/Lexuses/BMWs/Ferarris/Cadillacs etc along the curb and in the prime parking spots in a mad testosteronefest to prove who has the most flashy car, leaving the back spaces for those poor saps (like us) there on a special occasion driving Chevys. My Sis was standing in the spot, waiting for my Dad to pull around when a little old couple pulled in in an Escalade and litterally did not slow down as they rushed into the spot that she was holding, resulting in a scream-fest not between my sister and the couple, but between my Dad and my sister as she yelled at him for placing her in harms way and he yelled at her for causing him to lose both spots.

Meanwhile, Mr and Mrs Escalade slipped inside unhindered, and we spend the rest of what should have been an enjoyable night in a frosty family face-off. Thanks for ruining my birthday, Mr. Escalade man. XP

2. On the campus of the state university I attended school at, to say that parking is sparse is an understatement. Making things worse, all of the close parking on campus is faculty parking, and faculty parking is NEVER full (And, incidentally, there is nothing like the road rage experienced when you see a professor park in a student spot in the rare instance that the student spot is closer than the available faculty spaces. That’s just asking to be hit.) Because of the limited amount of student space there are several distinct parking techniques developed by the student populace:

1. Lot Stalking:

In order to perfect parking lot stalking, one must have at least one hour available before classes get out. Cruise around the parking lot until you see a student with keys heading to the lot, follow this person to their vehicle, immediately put on your turn signal to stop from being cut off by someone stalking your spot from the opposite side of the row. Your chances of a successful stalk drastically increase if you know what time the classes before your realease students.
Variations on Lot Stalking: Ride Sharing, Asking for Directions.
Downsides to Lot-Stalking: Spot-Stealers, Commuters who are just taking something out to their cars, and dorm dwellers who intentionally wander through the parking lots to confuse and annoy commuters because they hate being stalked by them (it’s a vicious cycle).

2. Ride Sharing

Pull up to the curb in the lot that you wish to park in with your windows down. Wait for someone with Keys to walk out of a building, pull up next to them and offer them a ride to their parking space if they’ll let you have their spot. Benefits are obvious, you give someone a hand with their crippling bookbag, and they give you the spot. Win-win.
Variations on Ride Sharing: Friend Swapping.
Downsides to Ride Sharing: Eventually, you get labeled as that creepy person bothering commuters. You are the only person dorm-dwellers hate more than lot-stalkers. Plus, remember those stranger-danger videos you watched in Kindergarden? Also, you’re still not immune to spot stealers.

3. Asking for Directions

As in Ride sharing above, you roll your window down and ask someone with keys if they’re leaving. If so, you then ask which row they are parked in. You then beat them to the row, turn on your blinker and wait for them to arrive.
Downsides: If someone lies to you, then you’ve basically just wasted a LOT of time. Plus you get almost creepy Ride-Share status, and those Spot stealers can still get you.

4. Spot Stealing

Look for a car with their blinker on as someone pulls out and pull up on the opposite side. As the car pulling out from the spot is still blocking the car with the blinker on, quickly inch up such that the blinker-car cannot angle themselves into the spot. Rush into the spot if you are angled in such a way that you can. If not, have a glaring contest with Blinker-car until someone backs down. After all, they don’t need to get their term paper in in the next five minutes.
Disadvantages: Bad Karma, Keyed cars, busted windows and ending up working on a group project with the guy whose spot you stole. Oops.

5. Visitor Faking

You can get away with visitor faking for free if you are going to be on campus either less than one hour or until after the lot closes that night. To visitor-fake take your parking decal off of your rear view mirror, then park in a visitor lot.
Downsides: If you misjudge the amount of time you’re spending on campus then you get stuck paying anywhere from $1 to $6 for parking, which really sucks if you only cary credit cards… Visitor lots also sometimes fill up.

6. Faculty faking

Remove your parking decal. Park in a faculty spot in a giant effort to say “I’m sticking it to the man!”
disadvantages: This only works once per quarter, as subsequent parking will earn you a $50 ticket per parking escapade. Also, taking your decal down is essential as, if you leave it up, you will get the $50 ticket with no warning at all.

7. Friend Swapping

If you are lucky enough to have a friend that leaves campus as you arrive, arrange to meet them at a predetermined location. Drive them to their car, take their spot.
Downsides: The odds of you having a friend that needs to leave campus exactly when you arrive are very, very slim.