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Until yesterday, ‘I Read Mental Floss’ was our favorite Facebook Group. Then Evan Schiller showed us these.
1. Group Name:
“I feel bad when I see kids on a leash”
Description: In the old days, leashes were the domain of domesticated animals and the occasional dominatrix. Not anymore. Today’s parents simply strap a harness across their kid’s chest, grab the reins, and hope to keep their offspring on course. A suburban Iditarod. This group takes issue with the burgeoning child/leash phenomenon. They feel bad for the kids. You know who needs the sympathy? The leash. The only thing keeping some hyperactive little snot off the third-rail is a measly piece of nylon. That’s a great deal of pressure to put on an inanimate object. The group purports, “if I was put on a leash I would be scarred for life.” That’s a bit dramatic, and actually, scientifically flawed. Scarred for life is what happens when an unwieldy child runs into the middle of the road when he hears the ice cream truck coming. Truth be told, when one considers the next logical step in terms of child rearing – the taser – a leash seems like, well… child’s play.
Members: 4,142
Best Wall Post: “My mom used to attach this green slinky-like thing to both of our wrists when I was really little. I will never forgive her.”
2. Group Name:
“I cheated at ‘Book It!’ to get free pizza”
Description: This group is for those who participated in Pizza Hut’s “Book It!” reading program in elementary school and cheated the system to get free pizza. According to Pizza Hut’s website, “Book It! motivates children to read by rewarding their reading accomplishments with praise, recognition and pizza… Goals are based on reading ability. Number of books, number of pages, or number of minutes – they all work.” While the program purports remarkable success, including a whopping 22 million participants, this Facebook group, and others like it, reveal a much more sinister reality. Reading for the sake of reading has been usurped by pretending to read to get free pizza. And they say Americans are fat and stupid. Go figure.
Members: 113
Best Wall Post: “I remember one time I needed to read one more book so on the sheet I made up some book and when it came to the author I looked around the room and saw some civil war books and came up with the name ‘Abraham Wall Lee.’ It was such BS now that I look back on it, but that pizza was worth it.”
3. Group Name:
“The only reason I went to elementary school was to play Oregon Trail”
Description: In 1985, when Oregon Trail was released on floppy disk, the world changed forever. The days of learning about Manifest Destiny and real Oregon Trail were finally behind us. More important matters, like shooting buffalo and learning to ford virtual rivers, were quickly taking precedence. Rather than bother children with actual historical events, Oregon Trail brought some life’s most valuable lessons to light. For instance, according to the group, “typhoid and cholera really aren’t that big of a deal” and, “if you lose two family members, 3 oxen, and 400 bullets while fording the river, it is better than paying some Indian $5 to help.” And we ask, “Is our children learning?” The answer is decidedly “yes.”
Members: 9,864
Best Wall Post: “JIMMY’S GOT TYPHOID!”
4. Group Name:
‘I love it when bus drivers wave to each other’
Description: The most interesting part of this group is found its description, which reads like a lazily constructed haiku with little regard for syllabilic constraints:
every time
the driver give each other a little wave
and its amazing
The connection between bus drivers is magical. Like a pitcher’s ability to communicate with his catcher through a furtive nod and the faintest twitch of a finger, bus drivers too have a secret, unspoken code. If you’ve ever witnessed a bus driver selflessly make room for his comrade, waiting patiently as another bus merges into traffic, it becomes clear that bus drivers have attained nirvana. They are completely at peace, utterly gracious, brazenly benevolent. If bus drivers ruled the world there would be no war.
Members: 1,057
Best Wall Post: “…waving at bus drivers when not a bus driver is forbidden in the UK. you would die….seriously.”
5. Group Name:
“If this group reaches 15k people, Kevin and I will have a pinecone eat-off!”
Description: Once upon a time Facebook was only open to a select group of well-mannered college students. It was a tame, sterile place. “Poking” was considered risqué. But times have changed. And it has become increasingly apparent that Facebook is devolving into barbarism. It’s an open-source free-for-all, sullied by graffiti walls, super pokes, and groups like this one. The group, and the high-speed pinecone-eating contest it sponsors, is both a testament to this shift, and proof that society has officially lost its way. The rules of the eat-off state: “5 cones each, 30 minutes on the clock. First one to finish his lineup of cones is the victor (unless time runs out, then furthest along at time wins).” Sickening. Just sickening. Now if you’ll excuse me, Fear Factor is on.
Members: 1,450
Best Wall Post: “I don’t know who Kevin is, but anyone willing to eat pinecones deserves me to back them up!”
6. Group Name:
“Chairman Miaow & Herman Gerbils”
Description: There’s something to be said for irreverent puns. I’m not sure what, but decidedly, there is. If you haven’t yet found a connection between cuddly domesticated animals and sadistic, imperialist dictators, you just aren’t looking hard enough. This group is all about forging that all-important link. According to the group’s mantra, “you get extra points for the more amusing the animal and the more controversial the bastion of evil. And vice-versa.” Well, thank goodness. At first I thought there was no point to the whole charade.
Members: 18
Best Wall Post: “A little tenuous, but a fish/roman emperor searching for his father: Finding Nero?”
7. Group Name:
“Every Slinky I owned got Jacked Up at Some Point”
Description: Unfortunately, astute observations only go so far. The group’s premise is spot on, but they offer little by way of solutions. Make no mistake, the slinky is the tip of the iceberg. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in my humble opinion, a host of modern-day products are alive. If not, explain how my headphone wires spontaneously become a useless, bewildering muddle whenever I leave them unattended. The same thing happens to wires behind the TV, or a computer. They’re like unruly jungle vines. How can it be that wires, untouched for months, do this?
Members: 197
Best Wall Post: “Slinky + Escalator = Endless fun”
8. Group Name:
“Air Bud gave me false expectations about my dog’s basketball skills”
Description: Thanks to film and television, I’ve grown to despise my dog’s ineptitude. He’s mind-numbingly naïve. For instance, while my pooch is busy chasing his tail, as if it posed some real and present danger to his life, Lassie is off saving lives and making Timmy like the happiest kid on the face of the earth. But when Air Bud came along, my shame sunk to new lows. It took me the better part of my summer vacation in third grade to teach my dog to roll over. But Air Bud can dunk with his nose? That’s bulls*#t. Disney has been doing this for years. In fact, when you take a step back, real life is pretty terrible compared to a Disney movie. Coupled with the whole “Be Like Mike” charade, which convinced thousands of gullible children that Gatorade was the key to athletic greatness, Air Bud more or less ruined my relationship with my dog and destroyed my aspirations of making it to the NBA.
Members: 134
Best Wall Post: “I used to try and try when I was little to get my dog to play some b-ball. It never worked. Thanks so much, you smug little golden retriever.”
9. Group Name:
“1,000,000 Strong For Rudy Giuliani”
Description: They’ve got a ways to go.
Members: 4
Best Wall Post: N/A. Apparently, Rudy’s supporters are too busy with the recruitment effort to post comments on the wall. [Rudy has plenty of other Facebook groups. But this was obviously our favorite.]
10. Group Name:
“Bring Back Captain Planet to Stop Global Warming”
Description: Captain Planet can pretty much do anything. He can fly, he has super strength and the ability to blow hurricane force winds, he’s capable of telekinesis, and he can even change shape and transmute matter. The only thing he can’t do is tolerate ungodly carbon emissions. And who can blame him? The earth is falling apart. The children of the world need a hero, not a monotone former Vice President. Today’s children worship purple dinosaurs, and some sponge that lives in pineapple under the sea. What kind of perverted message does this send to young people? No one can live in a pineapple under the sea. And if they did, they’ll soon be extinct because Captain Planet is off the air.
Members: 7,555
Best Wall Post: “I didn’t realize ‘Heart’ was an element.”
If you feel compelled to join one of these groups, let us know which one. If you’d like to come clean about cheating at Book It! to get free pizza, we’ll support you. And stay tuned for a mental_floss Facebook application. For now, join our growing support group “I Read Mental Floss.”
Evan Schiller is an occasional contributor to mentalfloss.com. He recently started a blog called Conventional Stupidity.
I think the Oregon Trail has some of the best fan groups EVER. My favorite, of course, is “I just tried to ford the river but my f**kin’ oxen died,” which has been around as long as I’ve been on facebook, which is to say almost since the beginning. Many schools boast their own chapters of said group as well.
And as for the pine cone eat-off, i think there’s also a “if this group reaches 1 million, my girlfriend will let me have storm troopers at our wedding” which is also pretty darn awesome.
posted by kay on 11-20-2007 at 6:18 am
I feel bad when I see kids out tearing around a store or the mall BECAUSE they’re not on a leash… (maybe we can start a new group.) They’re lifesavers. Even small tots just barely walking can be gone so fast it’s heartstopping. And, you don’t have to be an inattentive parent to suddenly lose sight of your kid. Try keeping a toddler in the seat of the grocery cart while you try to also do your shopping and keep an eye on the 2nd one and keep them from annoying every other person in the store and not pull your hair out…all because you NEED groceries (to feed the little dears) and there’s no one to leave them with- try finding someone trustworthy enough to leave them with… (oh yeah, another topic). Anyway you get the point.
My just-barely-walking 1 year old neice had one- it was a cute fuzzy bear “backpack” with the bear in front. She loved it. With those 2 very active and mom pg with #3, it was indispensible. The only problem was that her big brother liked to put it on her and lead her around- so it got put on the ‘for Mom only’ shelf.
posted by anya on 11-20-2007 at 7:00 am
I was totally a kid on a leash. I wasn’t bad, I just tended to wander off. We went on a Disney Cruise when I was around two, and Goofy took the leash from my mom, sat down in the lobby, and held me in his lap until I fell asleep. Aww, cute right? But looking back, I can’t believe my parents let a giant puppet take me away.
posted by Katie B. on 11-20-2007 at 7:07 am
thanks good post.
posted by bedava ödev indir on 11-20-2007 at 7:37 am
You missed one - I, along with a whopping 32 other people, belong to the group “Bring Back the Trapper Keeper.” Because it’s important to have a cause.
posted by Roger on 11-20-2007 at 7:56 am
I too was a kid on a leash. It didn’t scar me for life, in fact, it probably saved my life a couple of times. My Dad didn’t call me the unguided missile for nothing. Believe me, I have the scars to prove it.
If I have children and they are anything like me, leashes will be used.
The people that object to kid leashes are probably the same ones who don’t leash their dog and then say, “Oh he’s friendly, he just wants to greet you” as their 100lb Rottweiler is sniffing your crotch. A head full of canines capable of crushing my skull sniffing my nether regions is not my idea of safe.
posted by Dusty on 11-20-2007 at 8:07 am
the “Sarika Growing” facebook group was a fan favorite for a minute. too bad everyone in the group was too lazy to contribute after 3 days.
Group Info Name: Sarika Growing
Type: Common Interest - Health & Wellness
Description: Open forum discussion, strategizing ways to make Sarika grow. Q/A from our group expert on excess growth, Arjun Gowda (nose).
Short Term Goal: 2″
Long Term Goal: 1 ft.
If we believe, it will happen.
posted by zap on 11-20-2007 at 8:24 am
As someone who jumped back into the college world as a “grown-up,” I love the Facebook group that I joined just for its name:
“I wish my homework was asexual so it would do itself.”
posted by Rose on 11-20-2007 at 8:27 am
The picture of the kitty with the gun is one of the cutest (yet slightly twisted) things I have ever seen.
posted by GTT on 11-20-2007 at 9:03 am
Best Wall Post: “My mom used to attach this green slinky-like thing to both of our wrists when I was really little. I will never forgive her.”
Sure the poster will…right about the time he/she has a three-year-old and a four-year-old of their own. :)
In seriousness, my mom had one for my brother and I, and I never minded it. It actually gave me more freedom than holding her hand the entire time. True, it was less freedom than not having any restraint, but my mom was never very into the “let-my-children-run-amok-in-public-places” thing. It wasn’t like she used it around the house or anything. That might have been considered excessive… :)
posted by cb on 11-20-2007 at 9:22 am
I like the Petition for Lice Checks in College Classrooms. That was always a delightful feeling.
posted by Jeremiah on 11-20-2007 at 9:27 am
Captain Planet was the most unintentionally hilarious cartoon of the 80’s, with it’s supervillains who just wanted to dump trash everywhere– sometimes for profit– but mostly for the sake of crapping on everyone.
And I don’t see why they had to make up some kind of ‘heart’ ring, there are more than four elements, there could be rings for each element on the periodic table! Then each episode could be about the massive amount of teamwork needed to summon the Captain and way more educational.
“I’m Joe, with the power of… Niacin!!”
posted by Andie on 11-20-2007 at 9:47 am
How could you leave off “I Cheated at Heads Up 7Up in Elementary School Anonymous” or ” I Will Go Slightly Out of My Way To Step On That Crunchy-looking Leaf”
posted by Meghan on 11-20-2007 at 9:57 am
I’m a double-major, and one of those majors is Equestrian Science. So yes, as someone who is majoring in horse, I feel I rightfully belong in the Facebook group “I chose a major I like, and one day I will be living in a cardboard box.” My parents are so proud.
posted by Katie B. on 11-20-2007 at 10:07 am
As the mother of a rambunctious 2 year old, I have a “leash”. Although as someone has already pointed out, they now make cute backpack type leashes. My son loves his little dog and wears it around the front (so he can hug the dog).
I don’t use it alot, but it sure helped alot last year at a community gathering. He could wander without the mommy death grip on his arm. Plus he had his pal the dog.
Even though I’ve only used it a handful of times, I think it was worth it!
posted by Beth on 11-20-2007 at 10:53 am
viva la revolution chairman miow!
posted by David on 11-20-2007 at 10:56 am
Andie-Niacin is not a periodic element. It is a vitamin (B3) that is ironically, good for the heart because it helps lower cholesterol levels. So maybe the heart ring’s power should be niacin. Preventing Pellegra the world over!
posted by Katie B. on 11-20-2007 at 11:35 am
There should be a group about rolling bookbags, which I am sure there is, but they need to be stopped.
They make this sound like a tiny, rolling drill infesting your brain. And they are a pure sign of the evil of the lazy folk.
However, some people may need them for medical reasons, and it is hard to tell medicinal folk from lazy folk, so the whole thing is for naught.
AGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
posted by scott on 11-20-2007 at 11:54 am
oh oregon trail
my cousin and i used to have these races where the rules were you could only buy bacon, beer, guns and an ox and then see how far you could go before everyone died.
such sadistic children we were
posted by cari on 11-20-2007 at 12:03 pm
My favorite facebook group: “Damn, it feels good to be a hamster”
posted by Kevin on 11-20-2007 at 12:53 pm
I’m going to join that bus driver group. Ironically, I had been contemplating the secret language of bus drivers a few days ago.
posted by Casey on 11-20-2007 at 2:02 pm
Thanks Katie B. If I spent less time watching cartoons I probably would’ve known that. :D
posted by Andie on 11-20-2007 at 2:25 pm
Whenever I see a twisted mass of wires I think of my favorite quote from Bosom Buddies — “It looks like R2D2 threw up.”
posted by Janix on 11-20-2007 at 2:34 pm
i was a kid on a leash. my mom got it for me right after i knocked over a mannequin and freaked out because i thought i killed someone. i think that leashes are great and someday when i have kids they will be leashed too.
posted by itsabecky on 11-20-2007 at 3:00 pm
Of my three kids (two born in the 60s and one in 1970, the only one I leashed was my son, who seriously would not have lived to grow up if I had not. The girls were way less inclined to dash headlong into traffic, but the little guy . . . oh my word! He was heedless (and only has become less so in his 40s) and didn’t seem to object very much. Now he has a son who is also rushing to and fro, and only the fact that they live way out in the boonies in rural Utah keeps them from having to leash him, too. If they bring him to the city, you can be sure he’s well tethered. Why risk it? I even have a leash for my cat so he can hang out on the lawn and watch the birds without me having to worry about him getting squashed by a truck. He’s fine with it, too.
posted by Dolly on 11-20-2007 at 5:47 pm
Out of these 10 I felt most compelled to join “Bring Back Captain Planet to Stop Global Warming.” So I went on facebook, found the group, and much to my chagrin, I read this at the bottom of the description:
“Note: This group was originally started as a joke. We had no idea people actually liked this show, nor did we have any aspirations of even keeping it around; yet alone allowing it to reach 4,000 members. Re-runs of the show aren’t played in the U.S. anymore, but after viewing how most of y’all are from Great Britain or some former territory of it…..we can assume that Captain Planet finally made it’s way over the great pond after 2 decades.”
Clearly the creators of this group are jerks and thus I am no longer joining.
posted by Kristen on 11-20-2007 at 6:02 pm
About the Captain Planet “Heart” thing. The other kids involved in forming Captain Planet all had cool powers like wind, water, earth, etc. I think heart was put in so they could avoid the other obvious choice which would have been “gas.”
posted by kelly p on 11-20-2007 at 7:17 pm
i am a proud member of the “i would go slightly out of my way to step on that crunchy-looking leaf” group! :)
posted by Leah on 11-20-2007 at 9:40 pm
What about “When I was your age, Pluto was a planet?” There’s a pretty good one there.
posted by Janel on 11-20-2007 at 10:16 pm
the slinky + escalator comment is from late comedian mitch hedberg
posted by jmh on 11-21-2007 at 12:25 am
Threadless.com sells a shirt that the slinky kids would definitely be interested in! It’s a very cool design that says “slinky + escalator=infinite fun.”
posted by Rodger on 11-21-2007 at 9:39 am
I’m gonna start a new group: “I only went to elementary (1972, grade 6) school to listen to Black Sabbath on the Reading Centre headphones”. Ah, the memories!
I was a mother of twin boys and the leashes saves their lives, though perhaps not my shoulder joints.
posted by kimberley on 11-21-2007 at 10:40 am
“If There Really Were a Goblin King…He Would Hang Out in My Room Every Night”
“FPICA: Flagrant Pimp Idolization is Corrupting America”
“I Secretly Race People Places”
“Gene Wilder Transcends”
“8th Graders need to back off 9th grade guys especially other peoples BF’S”
“Whoopi Goldberg Has No Eyebrows”
posted by katiedert on 11-21-2007 at 11:38 am
This is the group description for “Gene Wilder Transcends”–
There are actors. There is Gene Wilder.
Gene Wilder is not an actor.
Gene Wilder is not humorous.
Gene Wilder is not talented.
Gene Wilder has no affirmative predicate.
Gene Wilder is.
Gene Wilder transcends.
*An Æolian harp is played, slowly fading into sounds of rain and birdsong*
posted by katiedert on 11-21-2007 at 11:39 am
My Mom voyaged from Fort Lewis, WA to Japan in 1952 when my Dad was rotated out of the Korean Conflict.
At that time she only had, John and Chuck but was preggers with Janet. She used leashes for both boys, (4ish and 2ish). One day in response to criticism from other wives she unleashed Chuck, he went straight for the railing and started climbing, a merchant seaman grabbed his overalls yoke just in time.
They stopped the carping and she never let them off leash when above deck again.
In 1961, now with six kids she flew our brood to Germany to meet up with Dad, the youngest got leashes and the older ones got assigned to “watch over” us pikers.
We were some of the best behaved kids in the service but only when we got old enough to grok Mom And Dad’s tone of voice.
posted by Richard Dietzel on 11-21-2007 at 4:11 pm
I had a leash b/c of my extreme ability to lose myself in stores. (J.C. Penny was shut down for 1 1/2 hours to find me in a clothing rack) I liked the leash b/c I could play “doggie” and embarass my mom at the same time.
posted by Heather on 11-21-2007 at 6:38 pm
Live Science’s website has an interesting website on how knots form…..interesting to apply to the whole messed-up slinky thing…..
posted by Amanda on 11-21-2007 at 8:57 pm
Rose, I love that group! My favorite twist on it: I wish my homeword was sexy so I would do it.
Scott, all of my friends have invited me to join the rolly bag groups with good reason: I am a proud rolly-bag addict.
As for my personal favorite, this one is for all the Harry Potter fans:
“Neville Longbottom is a BAMF”
This group includes many (true) jokes roughly based off of Chuck Norris. My favorite gem?
When Harry and Ginny’s children were conceived, Ginny was thinking about Neville. So was Harry.
Good times on Facebook…
posted by Allison on 11-22-2007 at 6:08 am
I have a friend who used to drive buses. His bus-trainer-generalissimo specially instructed him and his fellow drivers to wave at each other. It’s just part of proper bus drive etiquette. If you don’t, you’re a jerk, sorta like walking right by someone you know on the street without acknowledging his or her presence. BTW my former bus driver friend is on a facebook, and is a member of the group.
posted by Bob on 11-23-2007 at 10:11 pm
My parents went beyond the “child on a leash”. When I was a toddler in Massachusetts, my mother staked me out in the yard on a leash. She did this because we lived two blocks from a swamp. To this day, she talks about the night a little boy was lost in that swamp. She could hear him crying for help, but no one could find him in the swamp. I think he died there.
I do not feel I was scarred by this at all. In fact, I used a harness for my children, though I didn’t stake them out in the yard. Of course, I don’t live two blocks from a swamp either.
posted by Beth on 11-27-2007 at 7:59 am
One of my favorite groups is “When I found out the Disney “D” Was a “D”, it blew my mind”.
I’m a proud member. When I was little I honestly thought the D was a magical little character and not a D. Sad, I know
posted by Pam on 11-27-2007 at 12:06 pm
A very hilarious Facebook group obviously referring to those strange teens that are called “emo”: “I wish my grass was emo so it would cut itself.”
Another hilarious one that I, being the large nerd that I am, thought was very side-splitting is: “If I were an enzyme, I would be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.” :)
Yet another great group: “Feeny…Feeny…Fee-hee-hee-heeny….” celebrating the great man that is/was Mr. Feeny from “Boy Meets World.”
Another: “My Knowledge of Hockey Comes from Watching “The Mighty Ducks.”
I will search for more as well:)
posted by Kristi Marie on 11-28-2007 at 7:00 pm
What about “For every 940,000 people who join this group, one will be mauled by a bear”? That group is great.
posted by Alex on 11-29-2007 at 1:25 am
I recently found a pink harness thing with a leash attached and when I inquired to what it is my mom told me “oh it was a little leash I used to put on you to walk you around” like it was no big deal.
posted by vicky on 2-6-2008 at 6:57 pm
Ahhh…I do love Facebook!
One of my favorite groups is “No, I haven’t read that great literary classic–But I’ve seen the Wishbone!”
And some of the best groups in my network…”Oregon Trail Kept Me From Dropping Out of Elementary School” and “The Keeter Center is an Evil Sanctuary Created By The Devil and Martha Stewart” (the Keeter Center is our school’s hotel and restaurant. Very nice and professionally run, great if you’re staying or eating there, but hell if you’re a student worker. In fact, the nickname for it is “Keeter Hell”)
posted by Kate on 2-22-2008 at 10:47 pm
I like “I’m glad Pluto’s no longer a planet - it makes Gustov Holst’s Planets Suite complete.”
posted by Sarah on 3-8-2008 at 9:06 pm
I have many favorite facebook groups!
“When I was your age, video games were a bunch of random ass pixels”
“Back in my day, video games were amazing”
“I judge you when you use poor grammar.”
And many others!
posted by Jenni Robinson on 3-13-2008 at 7:13 pm
PS…This place is amazing. This trumps “Big Brain Academy” on Nintendo DS any day
Also:
“I think patterns on scantrons are suspicious”
“Writing Papers Single Spaced First Makes My Double Spaced Result Climactic.”
I think we all need to friend each other on Facebook:
jr521206@mycia.net
posted by Jenni Robinson on 3-13-2008 at 7:17 pm
I was elated to see Captain Planet on this list and then distraught to see the subsequent, but predictable, bashing of Heart. In mere moments I will be creating a new group which I will name “Heart got a bad rap” (or something along those lines). Please come join me if you too recognize the unrealized potential Heart truly wielded.
posted by tarradawn on 4-13-2008 at 11:45 pm
I thought I had to add one of my favorite groups to your list, even though it’s about 6 months later…ready? Here it is: “Every time you write paralell fifths, Bach kills a kitten” I LOVE this group!
posted by Gwen on 5-2-2008 at 3:48 am
maybe it’s lame but i didn’t cheat on the book it thing. what was the point? i figured it was a pretty fair trade to get a free pizza for what i was doing already. lol
posted by Sue on 5-27-2008 at 9:10 pm