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It’s been awhile since I’ve written about death or dying — like, four days — so I figured it was high time to tackle a subject I’ve long pondered myself: if you could have any kind of funeral, what would it be? Personally, I get serious willies when I think about what goes on in a big metal semi-airtight casket a few years or more down the line, and frankly, I don’t want any part of it. (If you do a google image search for “adipocere” [rather NSFW, btw], you’ll find lots of gross pictures of, for instance, recently-exhumed Civil War veterans or victims of the 1918 flu epidemic who look kinda like they were buried last week — and kinda melty too. Blecch!). On the other hand, cremation pollutes the atmosphere — so what to do? In the spirit of trying to keep an open mind, here are some unusual examples of people who thought outside of the pine box when it came to planning their funerals.
San Francisco’s Ghia Gallery has built their business selling people weird things to put their ashes in:
Among the gallery’s unusual wares are a huge chrome rhino’s head with a hollow horn for a loved one’s cremated remains and an urn made out of an old liquor cabinet that, when opened, plays “How Dry I Am.” There’s also funerary jewelry in silver, crystal and porcelain that allows survivors to wear a bit of the deceased around the neck or pinned to a blouse; a bronze reliquary cast from the fangs of prehistoric carnivores; lidded jars in raku and inlaid wood; a tall marble columbarium with room for a whole family’s remains; and a blinking 3-foot-high robotic sculpture with a comically tiny light-bulb head whose beaded skirt conceals a container for ashes. (From an article by Tessa DeCarlo and Susan Subtle Dintenfass.)
A woman interred at Woods Glendale Mortuary in Glendale, California was buried with a portable television tuned to her favorite soap operas. (Hopefully she used Energizer batteries.)
Some requests require special effort. Last summer, a Belmont, California mortician fulfilled a woman’s wish to be buried at sea in a hand-carved canoe. Full-body burial isn’t legal off California’s coast, so he and a colleague “put her in the back of a U-Haul truck and drove to Oregon,” he says. They rented a fishing boat, went 15 miles offshore, and pushed the canoe overboard. The price? About $4,000. That can be considerably less than the cost of a traditional funeral-parlour service and burial in certain areas of the country. (From an article by Carrie Dolan.)
Hunters can arrange to have Iowa-based Canuck’s Sportsman’s Memorials Incorporated place their ashes into shotgun shells and fire them into the woods. (Rather reminds me of Hunter Thompson’s funeral, in which his ashes were fired into the sky from a canon.)
You see lots of Civil War-era graves for amputated legs and arms — especially those lost in battle — but these bizarre ceremonies are pretty rare nowadays. One notable exception occurred in Giojosa Marea, Sicily in 1998:
An Italian man who had his left foot amputated gave it a funeral service before burying it in a coffin. Antonio Magistro, 56, of Giojosa Marea, Sicily, asked for the foot to be buried in his future grave at the city’s cemetery. He persuaded the surgeon to give him his foot back after the operation and then negotiated a deal with a local funeral director. Mr Magistro, along with his relatives, attended the short religious service which included a fanfare by the city’s band. The foot was then buried in a small coffin and the man’s name and date of birth embossed on the tombstone. Mr. Magistro said he hopes to join the foot in the grave “as late as I possibly can.” He had his foot amputated because of cancer. (Article.)
Finally, just to illustrate how much stranger “strange” funerals have gotten over the years — and how stuck in tradition the business of funerals has been — here’s what a funeral strange enough to merit a blurb in the February 21, 1912 New York Times looked like:
The airman Graham Glimour, who was killed last Saturday, had a strange funeral today … [he] expressed a wish that there by “no moaning or mourning at his funeral, and that everyone should be merry and bright.” In order to meet his wishes an automobile chassis was used instead of the ordinary hearse, and colored instead of white flowers were sent by the mourners, most of whom wore ordinary dress. Hundreds of villagers gazed with astonishment at the strange funeral procession.”
What’s your idea of a fun funeral?
I know it sounds kind of freaky, but the funerary jewelry is not a terrible idea. It´s almost the same as having the urn showcased on a mantlepiece except you get to carry it around with you. Although I don´t think I would actually wear it… Can you imagine it? “Nice earrings” and then “Thanks, they are my mother.” Creepy.
posted by GTT on 11-20-2007 at 10:17 am
While I prefer the idea of cremation over burial, there are a lot of “green” options for burial these days. Plain pine boxes, even cardboard boxes for coffins. And I’ve seen wicker and woven ones too. My grandma died recently, and I’ve been on a bit of a morbid streak. The wicker coffins are sort of cool looking.
And I like the jewish method of burial–no cremation, no ornamentation, just a white shroud and a plain pine box. Cremation creeps me out.
posted by Jenny on 11-20-2007 at 10:37 am
I personally want ALL usable bits removed, like corneas and kidneys, and then scatter my ashes on the hill where I got married. Funeral will need lots of booze.
Incidentally, I think it’s funny that you said adipocere is not suitable for work - I work in a medical library and it’s VERY suitable for my work!! haha
posted by Julie on 11-20-2007 at 10:40 am
Since the first time I heard it, when it first came out. I know it was my funeral song. Spirit in the Sky, by Norman Greenbaun. I have the CD put a side & my family knows that I want it played loud. I don’t want some nice dress on me. I want to wear jeans, a t-shirt and tennis shoes or flannel PJs. It’s called eternal rest and I want to be confortabe.
posted by Alf on 11-20-2007 at 10:41 am
Anyone heard of LifeGem? They cremate you and extract the crbon and put it in a diamond press and make diamonds out of you! It’s creepy and cool. I so totally want that. Check out their site. It’s kinda insane. But I really dig it.
:)
posted by QT314159 on 11-20-2007 at 11:05 am
EEEW.
You should have noted, NSBL. Not safe before lunch. ;)
There’s no way I want to end up looking like some of those rotten things. I agree with Julie, take what you can use and let me go down in flames. No wait…make that UP in flames.
Don’t really mind what they do with the ashes. But I would like a plot somewhere in a cemetary that my kids can visit if they want.
posted by mrs.djs on 11-20-2007 at 11:16 am
I want one of two things done with my body.
1) Take all the usable tissues (organs, bones, skin, etc…) and cremate the rest.
2) Donate my body to one of those cadaver farms where they teach future forensic scientists what happens to bodies in certain situations.
I would only want the second one if they find my parts aren’t viable (hopefully due to old age).
As for the service. I don’t want the weepy dour fare in a funeral home. Have a BBQ or go to a bar and have a couple drinks in my honor.
Bottom line though, once you are dead, it doesn’t really matter, because, well…you’re dead.
posted by Dusty on 11-20-2007 at 11:31 am
recycle the reusable bits
cremate me
scatter my ashes at falls park in sioux falls, sd
have dinner (preferrably a picnic, weather permitting)
play ‘in my life’ by the beatles
no crying.
posted by shelly on 11-20-2007 at 11:46 am
My wish, and I’m still not sure if it’s possible, is to let em take the parts that could be reused, cremate me, then encapsulate my ashes into fireworks and set me off in a big display while family, friends and loved ones get good and drunk.
posted by Amanda on 11-20-2007 at 12:02 pm
I told my wife to stuff me and prop me in my recliner with a book, but she said she doesn’t like to dust so that’s out. Still, I thought it would be a good way to mess with our dogs. Our cats probably wouldn’t notice.
Otherwise, I can’t say that I’ve given it much thought. When I was in grad school one of the emeritus profs passed away and left his body to the med school - local media picked up the story and ran some cool pieces about how he was ‘continuing to teach’ from beyond. I thought that was a pretty cool way to go out. The Dixieland traditions surrounding funerals are also neat. So, barring the taxidermy I suppose give me a jazz send-off to some sort of educational institution.
posted by Roger on 11-20-2007 at 12:13 pm
My husband and I share the plan “strip me for parts”….
posted by Betsy on 11-20-2007 at 12:14 pm
My few wishes…
1. Donate all useable organs. If other people can use ‘em, have at it! I’m certainly not going to need it!
2. I don’t care if I’m buried or cremated, but I want somewhere that people can go and remember me. Have me in an urn on the bookshelf… I don’t care. But being able to go and mourn has helped me heal when family has died in the past. I want to give that opportunity to others.
3. Have a party! Yeah, I’m dead… but (to sound cliché), celebrate my life, don’t mourn my death.
4. Drink booze. Good booze.
posted by Erin on 11-20-2007 at 12:19 pm
Dusty, I had forgotten about that cadaver farm idea - that’s a good one. You can always donate your body to a medical school for students as well.
My only request is that there be no grave marker. I think that the idea of someone visiting a cemetery (or a hunk of granite with my name on it, regardless of its location)to remember me is morbid. I say, use my body for science, cremate what’s left over, and toss the ashes into the Hudson River. If you want to remember me, instead of going to a cemetery, go to a favorite movie theater of mine to see a flick, go for a hike in the White Mountains, or sit on a bench in Central Park and people-watch for a while.
posted by JD on 11-20-2007 at 12:26 pm
I want “One Life Away” by M. Ward played, and I want it to be more of a party than a funeral.
I think the best way to remember someone is in small groups, so maybe the party could be in a big house, and people can split up amongst all the rooms and have lots of different conversations about their memories of me.
Oh, and I want my paintings hung all over the place at the party.
And if I have any pets when I die, they should be in attendance.
But hopefully, I will live to be old enough that my priorities will have changed by the time I die, and it will actually be much different than I’m picturing now. I mean, there could be 100 songs written in the next 60 years that would be more suitable than my current pick.
posted by Molly on 11-20-2007 at 12:47 pm
Organ donations (if anything’s usable), then I get buried. No coffins, though; I’d prefer to be wrapped in old newspapers, so that I’ll have something to read.
posted by Sillstaw on 11-20-2007 at 1:28 pm
I always liked the way Hunter S. Thompson was blown out of a cannon.
posted by Jared on 11-20-2007 at 2:00 pm
I think John Prine summed it up well for me.
Please don’t bury me
Down in the cold cold ground
I’d rather have them cut me up
And pass me all around
Throw my brain in a hurricane
And the blind can have my eyes
The deaf can take both of my ears
(If they don’t mind the size)
And please, don’t mope. Have a party. Remember the good times. Drink some good beer. Heck, there will probably be a keg or two of good homebrew left over when I kick.
posted by Ken on 11-20-2007 at 2:02 pm
I actually know somebody with that jewelry stuff. My friend’s brother was killed at the age of 13 in a car accident and although they buried most of the ashes, each surviving family member kept a small pinch of ashes in necklace pendants.
posted by Tami on 11-20-2007 at 2:04 pm
All of the above seem feasable. I work for a funeral home and we have had some very strange requests. We will carry through with them if they are allowed by law. It is true you are celebrating the life of the person that has passed away and should do for them exactly how they would have wanted it. This is why it is a good idea to make pre-arrangements for yourself. That way you have it down in writing with a funeral establishment what you would want done,
posted by mildred orrison on 11-20-2007 at 2:09 pm
I haven’t really thought about my own funeral, but my Dad has a great (slightly morbid) idea for when he eventually dies. He spent his adult life as an engineer in the Navy. He would like to be cremated after all his usable parts are harvested and then have his ashes scattered at sea. Ok, you would say normal, but how his ashes are to be scattered is very unusual. He would like to have the ship “blow tubes” (clean out their boilers) while the crew is in formation in white uniforms on the deck. I never said the man was normal. :-)
posted by Robin on 11-20-2007 at 3:00 pm
JD,
You’re right about the medical school bit. There is also that traveling exhibit where they preserve bodies to show the inner workings. Can’t remember what it is called.
Also, I remember watching a program one time where they detailed how they created the computer simmulation called The Visible Human Project. It was very interesting how they captured the photographs. The man was a convicted murder put to death in Texas who volunteered for the project.
As for some kind of memorial marker, I think planting a tree with your ashes is the way to go. You are giving back to nature and it will be there for a while.
posted by Dusty on 11-20-2007 at 3:10 pm
@dusty - the traveling exhibit is called “Body Worlds”
There’s this very good book by Mary Roach called “Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers.” It’s all about what happens to our bodies when we die- cremation, donation, crash-tests, and some historical examples. The one I like the best is this company that freeze-dries and pulverizes your body, basically turning it into compost, and then your family can plant a tree in you and put it wherever they want. I’d like my family to do that, after my organs have been donated.
posted by gibson8tor on 11-20-2007 at 4:41 pm
I actually work for a company that removes deceased persons from their homes. I have seen people who have been dead for a few hours to a few months. I have also seen autopsies and embalmings. After all of what I have seen, I say burn me. It’s less expensive, for the most part, and less invasive even on a dead body.
posted by Nicole on 11-20-2007 at 5:35 pm
1. Yes! Yay for all of you who plan to donate your organs! I plan to do likewise.
2. Play the song “Go Now” by the Moody Blues at the memorial service.
3. No flowers. Lots of colored balloons and the guests can suck on the helium and talk squeaky during the eulogy. Laughter, no crying.
4. Inscription on tombstone: “Runs with Scissors”
posted by Cyndi on 11-20-2007 at 5:53 pm
Stolen from Bill Bryson:
“If I die, tell my brother there’s $10,000 in a jar buried in his front yard.”
“Really?”
“No, but he’s a jerk and it’d serve him right.”
posted by Tim on 11-20-2007 at 7:20 pm
Ack! Those pallbearer clowns! If I ever saw that scene personally, my funeral would no longer be a hypothetical topic. I freakin’ hate clowns. Bunch of ghouls . . .
Anyhow, I would want my funeral to be a traditional Requiem Mass, one with all the Latin chants like the “Dies Irae” and “In Paradisum.”
I also am squicked out by what happens in air-tight coffins. I’d like to be buried, but not if the only option is being “preserved” like that. I want my remains to return to the earth naturally and quickly. Green burial is appealing.
posted by just_say_no_to_lutefisk on 11-20-2007 at 7:28 pm
I definitely agree with the composting idea from Stiff. I mean really, who cares what happens to their body once they are dead? Seriously, you’re dead already, it’s not as if you would know what was going on anyway.
So yes, take my organs, pulverize me, and make me into some compost, in which to plant a pretty little tree.
posted by Andrew on 11-20-2007 at 7:41 pm
Eternal Reefs can incorporate ashes into concrete reefs for fish habitat.
posted by E on 11-21-2007 at 8:26 am
I always told my best friend to bronze me and stick me on her front porch.
:)
posted by Stephi on 11-23-2007 at 11:38 am
Donate my whole body to science, to do with it what they will. Let med students carve it up, or forensic investigators do tests on it, or whatever. I’ll be done with the darned thing.
posted by Rinna on 12-2-2007 at 5:00 pm
In Houston, there is a Funeral Museum, and it’s AMAZING. My friend and I went there and picked out our dream coffins, and we sort of fought over the lobster coffin. Even better was the dream hearses. Hmmmmm….. I need to get back there soon.
posted by Sarah on 12-28-2007 at 4:03 pm