Biblical wine is wine. But is it a good thing or a bad thing?

In some passages, wine seems like a gift from God. In other passages, it’s portrayed as a wicked toxin:

“[wine] bites like a serpent, and stings like an adder. Your eyes will see strange things, and your mind utter perverse things.” (Proverbs 23:32-34).

To clear things up, I found the expert of all experts, a Christian oenophile named Daniel Whitfield who has made an astoundingly exhaustive study of every alcohol reference in Scripture Bible – all 247 of them.

Marijuana and the Bible, the negative and positive references to hooch, and what happened when Noah got drunk all after the jump…

On the negative side,

(I’m quoting Whitfeld’s findings here) there are 17 warnings against abusing alcohol, 19 examples of people abusing alcohol, 3 references to selecting leaders, and one verse advocating abstinence if drinking will cause a brother to stumble. Total negative references: 40, or 16%.

On the positive side,

there are 59 references to the commonly accepted practice of drinking wine (and strong drink) with meals, 27 references to the abundance of wine as an example of God’s blessing, 20 references to the loss of wine and strong drink as an example of God’s curse, 25 references to the use of wine in offerings and sacrifices, 9 references to wine being used as a gift, and 5 metaphorical references to wine as a basis for a favorable comparison. Total positive references: 145, or 59%.Neutral references make up the remaining 25 percent.

If I could add one observation to Whitfield’s study: There is also one reference to medicinal alcohol: “No longer drink only water, but use a little wine for the sake of your stomach and your frequent ailments (1 Timothy 5:23)

It comes down to the battle between the Bible’s gusto for life, and the Bible’s wariness of excess. Between its Epicureanism and Puritanism. You can find both themes in the Scriptures. The Epicurean side is best seen in Ecclesiastes:

“There is nothing better for a man than that he should eat and drink, and find enjoyment in his toil. This also, I saw, is from the hand of God.”

The key seems to be to enjoy wine as one of the many great things that God has provided us. But don’t enjoy it too much. Use what Anheuser-Busch public service announcements call “Responsible drinking.” Otherwise, bad things happen. For instance, after the Flood, Noah got sozzled and passed out naked. Noah’s son Ham walked in on him nude and presumably mocked him, and Noah cursed Ham’s descendants to slavery. So that didn’t turn out well.

Or else there’s the remarkable story of what happened when Lot – the one who fled Sodom – drank too much. Lot had escaped to a cave with his two daughters (his wife, as you know, had been turned into a pillar of salt). The daughters, thinking all other men in the world had died, got their father very, very drunk – and slept with him. Both got pregnant. Their incestuous offspring founded two nations – Moab and Amon – which became enemies of Israel.

Too much wine is an abomination. But a glass or two? That seems fine. Incidentally, I did an Internet search for marijuana and the Bible. As I suspected, someone has figured out a way to make the Bible seem in favor of pot-smoking. Not only does the website equalirghts4all quote Genesis 1:29 (“Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed which is upon the face of all the earth.…To you it will be for meat”), but it claims Moses’ holy anointing oil contained a high concentration of THC. This, as my high school hero Jeff Spicoli used to say, seems totally bogus.

And whatever I may think of creationism, I have to admit that the museum is spectacularly well done. There is a scale model of the ark. There are animatronic cave people and dinosaurs. There is a movie theater with sprinklers in the ceiling that go off during the flood scenes.

Here are five things I learned from my visit:

Dinosaurs on the ark, Biblical Astronomers, and why Inherit the Wind is unfair to Creationists, all after the jump…

1. Creationists are not idiots: If I had to guess, I’d say there’s no IQ difference between your average creationist and your average evolutionist. It’s just that the creationists’ faith is so strong, they’ll distort data to fit their literal view of Genesis.
2. The ark had baby dinosaurs?: The creationists I met had put a remarkable amount of thought into the logistics of Noah’s Ark. I bought a book called Noah’s Ark: A Feasibility Study, which spends 300 pages outlining the engineering. There are chapters on the ventilation system, on-board exercise for the animals and the myth of explosive manure gases. And how did they fit all those animals on the ark? The head of the museum told me that many of the big ones – like the dinosaurs – went on when they were younger to save room.
3. Moderation is a relative term: I thought that creationism was about as far to the literal fringe as I could go. Not so. Consider this: When I was at the Creation Museum, I met their resident astrophysicist.
   

   He told me about a group of people called Biblical Astronomers whom he considers an embarrassment to the creationist movement.

   The Biblical Astronomers believe the earth is the center of the universe and remains stationary because it says in Psalm 93:1 that the earth “shall never be moved.” The mainstream creationists believe the earth is young – but it does revolve around the sun.

4. There is an unexpected beauty and dignity in the creationist worldview. I’ll never abandon evolution – even if they found Noah’s page-a-day calendar on a pristinely preserved ark. But I did a thought experiment one day: I imagined what it would be like to be a creationist. I put myself in the mind of someone who believes the earth was formed 6000 years ago.And it was an amazing experience. Most notably, I felt more connected. If everyone on earth is descended from two identifiable people – Adam and Eve – then the “family of man” isn’t just a vague cliche. It’s true. The guy who sells me bananas at the deli on 81st street – he’s my cousin. The creationist mindset made me feel closer to my fellow humans. It made me want to invite strangers over to dinner. My goal is to keep that ‘we’re-all-family’ mindset without having to adopt the six-day-creation POV.
5. Inherit the Wind is kinda unfair to creationists. I heard this time and again from the creationists I met. They said the famous play-turned-Spencer-Tracy movie portrayed them unfairly. I rented it. And I have to say, they’ve got a point.William Jennings Bryan – a deeply religious three-time Democratic presidential nominee who was the prosecuting attorney for the anti-evolution folks – was turned into a total buffoon named Matthew Harrison Brady, played by Frederic March. Brady is a pot-bellied glutton. In one scene, he’s gorging on fried chicken out of a basket…in the courtroom. The film recreates the famous showdown over the Bible between the Bryan and the brilliant Chicago lawyer Clarence Darrow. It’s a good scene. But if you read the court transcript, it was actually a more interesting and subtle confrontation.

For instance, here’s the dialogue from the movie:

Darrow: Do you believe every word of the Bible is true?
Bryan: Yes. Every word is literally true.
And here’s the corresponding real exchange:

Darrow: Do you claim that everything in the Bible should be literally interpreted?
Bryan: I believe everything in the Bible should be accepted as it is given there. Some of the Bible is given illustratively; for instance, “Ye are the salt of the earth.” I would not insist that man was actually salt, or that he had flesh of salt, but it is used in the sense of salt as saving God’s people.

Like creationists today, he admits there is some figurative language in the Bible, even if most of it should be taken as literally true. Yes, I know there’s artistic license and all that. But it does seem odd to me that this movie – which is supposed to be a champion for the truth – distorted the truth so much. Why do that? Especially when you have reality on your side.

Like this column? Check out AJ’s terrific posts on Biblical Trivia and on hanging out with the Amish. Or just buy his new book here.

One of my first trips was to Amish country in Lancaster County. My wife and I drove down from New York (I’m proud to say that I have absolutely no urge to make a double entendre when we passed Intercourse, Pennsylvania, which I see as a great moral victory).
To be biblically honest, I was a little leery of going to Amish country – the Amish have been a go-to religious punchline for so long, sort of the Carrot Top or Jazzercise of American spirituality, and I didn’t want to fall into that trap. I didn’t want to seem like I was mocking them.

In the end, I’m glad I went. I learned a huge amount and got to experience the beauty of the Amish culture. Plus, I got to hear an Amish joke told by an actual Amish person, which was a pleasant surprise.

Here are five Amish facts I learned during my year:

• If you browse websites about the Amish, you’ll often see a lot of pictures of the backs of their heads. The Amish follow strictly the second commandment – you shall not make graven images. And they are also concerned with appearing vain. So they don’t like their faces photographed. They compromise by showing the back of their heads.

• Amish have beards in accordance with Leviticus, which forbids the shaving of the corners of your beard. But they do shave their moustaches. The moustache was thought to have military associations by the early Amish, who came over from Switzerland in the 18th century.

• The Amish do tell Amish jokes. My wife and I stayed at an Amish man’s house, and he told us one. (Note: Please lower your expectations. The Amish are working with some pretty tight constraints here). Okay, here goes:

The joke and more Amish facts after the jump…

Q: What happened when the Mennonite man married the Amish woman?
A: She drove him buggy.”

• The Amish perform a foot-washing ritual, in accordance with the New Testament’s John 13:5, which says “If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example…”

• Amish sports are the quietest sports in the world. Here’s what my wife and I saw as we were leaving Amish country.

“I spot a cluster of about 30 buggies. We pull over to see what’s happening. We have stumbled onto an Amish baseball game. Many discourage competitive sports. But here are 18 Amish teenage boys, their sleeves rolled up, their shirts and suspenders dark with sweat. Julie and I watch for a long time. These kids are good, but something is off about the game. I realize after a few minutes what it is: This is the quietest baseball game I’ve ever seen. No trash talk. No cheering from the parents in the stands. Near silence, except for the occasional crack of the bat. It is eerie and peaceful and beautiful.”

PS Thanks for all the great comments on my first post. You make me commit the sin of pride!

>>Click here to purchase AJ’s new book The Year of Living Bibilically: One Man’s Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible today.

My new book just came out, and

this time I wrestled with a tome that is shorter than Britannica, but arguably more complicated: The Bible.

The book is called THE YEAR OF LIVING BIBLICALLY: ONE MAN’S HUMBLE QUEST TO FOLLOW THE BIBLE AS LITERALLY AS POSSIBLE. It’s about how I spent a year trying to abide by all the rules in the Bible, from the famous (The Ten Commandments, love thy neighbor) all the way down to the often-ignored (don’t wear clothes made of mixed fibers, don’t shave your beard, stone adulterers).The year was fascinating and educational. Life-changing even. And I hope the book – which I tried to fill with equal parts reverence and irreverence – takes you along on that journey. I know it’s not biblical to boast, so please excuse me for this, but so far, it seems to have been embraced by both religious and secular readers: this month I’m on the cover of an evangelical Christian magazine, and I’m also featured in both Playboy and Penthouse. Hallelujah!

I’m going to be blogging throughout the week. I thought I’d start with just a few pieces of

My favorite biblical trivia

• I read dozens of different versions of the Bible in my year of living biblically. Jewish bibles. Christian bibles. A friend of mine sent me a Hip Hop Bible, in which the 23rd Psalm was rendered “The Lord is All That” (the traditional translation: The Lord is my shepherd.)

• It’s a good bet that, at some time or other in history, every single passage in the Bible has been taken as literal. Consider: In the third century, the scholar Origen is said to have interpreted literally Matthew 19:12 — “There are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven” — and castrated himself. Origen later became a preeminent theologian of his age – and an advocate of figurative interpretation.

• The most infamous typo in Bible history: The Wicked Bible from 1631. The problem? It omitted the word ‘not’ in Chapter 20, Verse 14 of Exodus, resulting in the commandment: “THOU SHALT COMMIT ADULTERY.” Which must have caused a few perplexed readers and dozens of unnecessary extra-marital affairs.

• Peter Bales, a 16th century Brit was famous for his microscopic writing, and produced a Bible the size of a walnut.

• The Red Sea is a mistranslation. The true translation is most likely The Sea of Reeds.

More tomorrow! Bless you all.