With a career catalog jam-packed with classics like Vertigo, Psycho, North by Northwest, The 39 Steps and dozens of others, Alfred Hitchcock is one of the most celebrated and revered film directors of all time. One of the great delights of Hitchcock is that he himself could have been a film character; incredibly dry, deadpan, dark and larger than life – both physically and in personality. These 11 quotations illustrate why Hitch was such a delight:

1. On how he paces his films:

“The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.”

2. On the act of watching television:

“Seeing a murder on television… can help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.”

3. On the bagpipes:

“I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equaled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig.”

4. On directing actors:

“When an actor comes to me and wants to discuss his character, I say, ‘It’s in the script.’ If he says, ‘But what’s my motivation?, ‘ I say, ‘Your salary.’”

5. On the role of television:

“One of television’s great contributions is that it brought murder back into the home, where it belongs.”

6. When asked by an actress whether her left or right profile was better:

“My dear, you’re sitting on your best profile.”

7. Hitchcock was famously terrified of police officers. But he also held onto another phobia:

“And then I’m frightened of eggs, worse than frightened; they revolt me. That white round thing without any holes, and when you break it, inside there’s that yellow thing, round, without any holes… Brr! Have you ever seen anything more revolting than an egg yolk breaking and spilling its yellow liquid? Blood is jolly, red. But egg yolk is yellow, revolting. I’ve never tasted it.”

8. On his penchant for casting blondes:

“Blondes make the best victims. They’re like virgin snow that shows up the bloody footprints.”

9. His response to a woman who complained to him that the shower scene in Psycho had caused her daughter to stop showering:

“Then, Madam, I suggest you have her dry cleaned.”

10. On his disappointment in a murder scene from the film Dial M For Murder:

“But there wasn’t enough gleam on the scissors, and a murder without gleaming scissors is like asparagus without the hollandaise sauce – tasteless.”

11. Describing a scene that any film fan would want to watch:

“If I were to make another picture in Australia today, I’d have a policeman hop into the pocket of a kangaroo and yell ‘Follow that car!’”

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The jokes themselves don’t make a lot of sense to modern day readers. For example:

Question:
The deflowered girl did not become pregnant. The undeflowered girl became pregnant. What is it?

Answer:
Auxiliary forces.

Zing!

Then again, a lot of modern jokes don’t make much more sense or elicit much laughter either. See, things really don’t change.

Check out the rest of the sidesplitting Babylonian’s open mic joke list at Discover Magazine.

1. Restaurant & Brewery

The Church Brew Works in Pittsburgh pays special homage to the former occupant of its location with a beer called Pious Monk.

2. Children’s Indoor Playland

Image credit: City-Data

Kids were actually encouraged to run and scream in the church after the South Williamsport (PA) Methodist Church was converted into an indoor maze of playgrounds, slides, climbing walls and video games.

3. A Thoroughly Modern Home

It takes a good deal of remodeling to turn God’s home into your own, but it can be done. The web is packed with examples of beautiful residences, like this $2.3 million example in Denver, that are barely recognizable as former houses of worship – at least until you take notice of the steepled roof or the very church-like shape of the windows and doors.

4. Bookstore

Image credit: Design Top News

It’s probably a safe bet that you’ll be able to find at least a few copies of the Bible at the Bookstore Selexyz Dominicanen in the Netherlands.

5. Fraternity House

Image credit: Rensselaer/Daria Robbins

The Phi Sigma Kappa fraternity house at the Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in Troy, New York, makes a convenient setting for all those hungover morning conversations with God promising to “never drink that much again.”

6. Entrepreneur Center

Image credit: TEDx Vasastan

Stockholm’s Entreprenörskyrkan, housed in a former Greek Orthodox Church, offers its own kind of heaven to small business startups: A fully furnished open-office environment that seeks “to have fun and play with ideas.”

7. Laser Tag Arena

The Williams Grove amusement park in Harrisburg, PA, converted a charming, antiquated old church into a venue for modern sci-fi violence.

8. Alien Nativity Scene

One of the ideas behind artist Matt Henderson’s alien nativity scene at a former church in Portland was to help people recognize “the terrestrial nature of Christ.”

9. Atheist Headquarters

Image credit: Smyrna-Vinings Patch

The empty Collins Spring Primitive Baptist Church in Atlanta needed someone to save it from the vandals and the wrecking ball. In stepped the Atlanta Freethought Society – an organization of atheists that uses the building as part of its mission to “provide a community for non-theists in the Metro Atlanta area through educational, advocacy and social activities.”

10. Winery

If you ever make it to the South River Vineyard in Shalersville, OH, please refrain from asking them if their production process includes turning water into wine. I’m sure they already get that 100 times a day.

11. Skatepark

Image credit: MATTKINGTHESKATER/Panoramio

Skaterham is an indoor skatepark that has been operating for more than a decade out of an abandoned church in Surrey, England.

What did we miss? What other church conversions have you seen?

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Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Many of the people following the GOP primary race may be wondering about the difference between a Political Action Committee (PAC) and a Super Political Action Committee (Super PAC). If that’s the case, this clip of Ted Koppel interviewing Stephen Colbert about his recent involvement in the South Carolina primary race will define just how silly and nebulous PACs and their powers are.

During the big tribute to him they somehow managed to leave out all mention of his great work in this Listerine commercial. Probably just an honest oversight:

Considering the film Wedding Crashers came out way back in 2005 it is somewhat shocking that the world’s first wedding crashing app is only now about to hit the market.

If Crash Corsage is successful, wedding ticket takers might become the next big nuptial trend. The app – which is apparently (but not 100% confirmed to be) real is designed to scour things like wedding websites to gather information on the time and place of weddings taking place in your area – but takes it even further by supplying bride and groom bios, background on their relationship, who is in the wedding party, etc.

Crash Corsage from EricSchlakmanDotCom on Vimeo.

What does everyone think? If this app is indeed real and offers reliable information, is this creepy or all in good fun?

(Via Buzzfeed)

Each of the six episodes is loaded with farcical dialog, police banter, and visual gags. Here are a few memorable moments from the show.

1. Detective Drebin and his boss Ed Hocken interview Sally Decker discussing a shooting at the bank where she works:

2. Drebin delivers one of the most revered and oft-quoted lines amongst comedy nerds:

3. Drebin and Hocken barge into the dressing room of an exotic dancer:

Mimi Du Jour: Is this some kind of bust?
Frank Drebin: Yes it’s very impressive, but we’d just like to ask you a few questions.

4. Sage advice from Frank Drebin:

“You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street or sticking your face in a fan.”

5. Drebin apologizes for harassing a recently widowed woman in her moment of grief:

“We’re sorry to bother you at such a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn’t dead then.”

6. Ted Olson from the Police Squad lab offers his scientific analysis of some forensic evidence:

“Well, we got the Coroner’s report on the depth of penetration of the bullet in Jim Johnson’s body. If the holdup man had been where Sally Decker said, the bullet should have penetrated deeper. Let me show you what we did. These guns are identical to the one that killed Jim Johnson. Watch carefully as I test-fire this gun into these videotapes of Barbara Walters interviews. As you can see, it completely destroys the Burt Reynolds interview, and everything from Bo Derek to Paul Newman. But only up to the point where Barbara asks him “Is it difficult to love?” Now, let me show you what happens when the gun is fired from 3-feet – which is the distance Sally claims the shots were fired from. Notice? Complete destruction, right up to the point where she asks Katherine Hepburn what kind of tree she’d like to be.”

7. One of Drebin’s many amazing pieces of narration:

“It took me two weeks to find Stella’s apartment. She had neglected to give me her address.”

8. Ed Hocken makes a sharp assessment as he looks at the geographic plotting of recent crimes on a city map:

“I have a hunch they’re concentrating right here.”

9. Drebin and Hocken discuss the evidence of a recent crime:

Frank Drebin: Is there a ransom note?
Ed Hocken: Yes, the butler found it. It was tied to this window and thrown into the rock garden. I sent the note to the lab. They’re demanding one million dollars.
Frank Drebin: Why would the lab demand a million dollars?

10. Detective Drebin’s tough talk gets to his Police Squad co-workers:

Frank Drebin: Now, we can’t let these vermin infest our city. We’ll have a rotten, scum-sucking cesspool.
Officer: (Gagging) Frank please, I’m trying to eat this tuna fish sandwich.
Frank Drebin: A rat-infested, worm-ridden festering boil.
Ed Hocken: Frank, cut it out would ya, I’m talking to my mother.

11. This sign:

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It seems that people can’t get enough of “The End is Near!” panic. The latest apocalypse to threaten us (but not really) is due later this year thanks to the Mayan calendar running out or restarting or falling off the wall or something like that – it really depends who is telling you about it.

Thankfully, Nick Offerman and Chris Pratt – who star as Ron Swanson and Andy Dwyer on Parks and Recreation – have constructed a hilarious end of days plan in twelve easy-to-follow steps. The list makes it apparent that political correctness and laws will be the first things to go in a post-apocalyptic world. So the easily offended should read this NSFW action agenda with extreme caution.

It begins with these obvious actions…

Fill the tub with water. For this tub, as well as the contents of your hot-water heater, will be your drinking supply. Fill the sinks with scotch—and cover, obviously.

…And continues on from there. Enjoy and stay safe.

Keyboard image via Shutterstock

Thanks to a recent declaration, residents of Sweden will be able to consider their file sharing habit a form of religious expression. Even though “copyright infringement remains illegal in Sweden,” the nation has bestowed official church status upon Missionary Church of Kopimism.

The Hollywood Reporter explains that the church, whose members are called Kopimi (sound it out phonetically), holds “information as holy and copying and file sharing as a sacred acts akin to prayer.”

The church’s website provides further details on its creation:

The Church of Kopimism have tried to become registered as a religious organisation by Kammarkollegiet for more than a year.

Since Kammarkollegiet has been strict with formalities, we had to apply three times, a happy Gustav Nipe – board chairman for the organisation – says. He continues, I think it might have something to do with the governmental organisations abiding by a very copyright friendly attitude, with a twisted view on copying.

For the Church of Kopimism, information is holy and copying is a sacrament. Information holds a value, in itself and in what it contains, and the value multiplies through copying. Therefore, copying is central for the organisation and its members.

Being recognized by the state of Sweden is a large step for all of kopimi. Hopefully, this is one step towards the day when we can live out our faith without fear of persecution, says Isak Gerson, spiritual leader of the Church of Kopimism.

The Church of Kopimism is a religious organization with roots from 2010. The organization formalizes a community that’s been well spread for a long time already. The community of kopimi requires no formal membership. You just have to feel a calling to worship what is the holiest of the holiest, information and copy. To do this, we organize kopyactings – religious services – where the kopimists share information with eachother through copying and remix.

Copy and seed.

Amen?