1. Pick your teeth, pick a lock

If you consistently find yourself locked out of your house, and you’re fanatical about dental hygiene, today is your lucky day. Meet the Oral-B Hummingbird. It flosses, it gyrates, it messages your gums. But most importantly, it can easily be converted into a remarkably effective, motorized lock-pick. With minimal effort, and a few dollars worth of supplies, a converted Hummingbird will pick just about any padlock in seconds.

First, you’ll need to dissect the Hummingbird. Break open the casing and swap out the AAA battery for a beefy 9-volt by melting a small hole in the bottom of battery shell. Next, lace the wires to the battery terminals, cut the tip off of your store-bought lock pick, and superglue it to the Hummingbird. Easy as pie.

So next time your dentist tells you that you need a root canal, don’t get a second opinion, just break into the office at night and swap out your dental records. Not only will you avoid painful, costly oral surgery, but after the medical malpractice lawsuit, you can just let your teeth rot and buy some shiny new dentures.

[Learn more at InventGeek.com]

2. Make free phone calls

Tired of paying for long distance? No worries. Just buy a box of Cap’n Crunch.

Believe it or not, in the early 1970s, that would have been an acceptable answer. That’s because, beginning in the mid-60s, Cap’n Crunch cereal came with a small plastic whistle that was easily modified to emit a tone at 2600 hertz—the exact frequency used by AT&T to indicate an available trunk line to route a new long distance phone call.

John Draper, a Vietnam War veteran, and lifetime “phreaker”, discovered the secret of the toy whistle with longtime friend Joe Engressia in 1971. Phreaking—a portmanteau of the words “phone” and “freak”—was a relatively new field at the time, and Draper and Engressia were on the cutting edge. By blowing the whistle, Draper, who later came to be known in phreaking circles by the pseudonyms Captain Crunch and Crunchman, was able disconnect one end of the trunk, allowing the end that was still connected to enter operator mode, thus circumventing the automated billing system. Through further experimentation, Draper was able to build a blue box, a small electronic device capable of reproducing many other tones used by the phone company.

Before long, Draper became a household name. In 1971 an article in Esquire, “The Secrets of the Little Blue Box,” detailed his phreaking exploits. The article also brought him to the attention of Steve Wozniak, who, along with Apple co-founder Steve Jobs, did a little phreaking of their own under Draper’s tutelage.

But all good things must come to an end. In 1972 Draper was arrested on toll fraud charges and sentenced to five years probation. Which just goes to show, if you play with little plastic whistles, eventually, you’re gonna get burned.

[Learn more at JetCityOrange.com]

3. Blow up your kitchen

If you’re an aspiring chemist (or current pyromaniac) this one’s for you. One would assume creating a volatile, highly flammable gas would, at very least, require a fully stocked laboratory and a PhD. In fact, it requires a bottle of Drano, some aluminum foil, and a glass bottle.

First, take a sheet of aluminum foil and stuff it into the bottom of a bottle. If you’re really particular about your diabolical experiments, tear the aluminum foil into small pieces instead of crumpling it. This creates more surface area, which speeds up the reaction. Simply pour the Drano over the chards of foil, and voila, hydrogen gas will begin to form.

The chemical reaction at hand is actually quite simple. Drano acts as a reducing agent. It’s primarily sodium hydroxide. Aluminum is the oxidizing agent. The protective aluminum oxide coating on the foil is dissolved by the sodium hydroxide forming a complex ion:

Al2O3 + 2NaOH + 3H2O ‡ 2Na+ + 2 [Al(OH)4]-

The exposed aluminum surface then reacts with water to form hydrogen:

2 Al + 6 H2O ‡ 2 Al(OH)3 + 3H2

You can capture the gas by sliding a balloon over the mouth of the bottle—think of it like a poor man’s Hindenburg. Just remember, an enormous amount of heat is generated during the reaction, so you’ll want to have a container of cool water on hand to neutralize the temperature (and probably an ambulance, too, just to be safe.)

[Learn more at ScienceDemonstrations.com; Image courtesy of Governing.com]

4. Hallucinate

If you’re bent on hallucinating this holiday season, but you can’t bring yourself to approach smelly Phish fans, look no further than your local garden supply store. For just a few dollars you can pick up a packet of morning glory seeds, and learn why the term “flower power” isn’t exclusive to hippies and anti-war protesters.

The morning glory flower, true to its name, blooms early in the morning, and dies quietly when the sun goes down. It’s known for its colorful funnel-shaped flowers, heart-shaped leaves, and its tiny black seeds, which, when ingested, elicit a mild hallucinogenic experience. Scientifically, this comes as no surprise. The active ingredient in the morning glory is d-lysergic acid amide, known commonly as LSA. It’s a chemical cousin of d-lysergic acid diethylamide, Sgt. Pepper’s favorite—LSD. Scientists estimate LSA is roughly 5 to 10 percent as potent as LSD, so you’ll probably need to scarf down a solid handful.

Aztec priests have used morning glory seeds for millennia in religious ceremonies to communicate with the gods, predict the future, and alleviate fear amongst the soon-to-be-sacrificed. It’s a veritable wonder drug! If you’re worried about jail time, well, you should be. The chemical ergine (contained in many species of morning glory) is illegal to posses in its purist form; however, the seeds are readily available in many gardening stores. So now you know why Martha Stewart is terminally happy.

[Learn more at Elephantos.com]

Evan Schiller is an occasional contributor to mental_floss, and the sole proprietor of Conventional Stupidity. His last article featured crazy Facebook groups.

1. Group Name:

“I feel bad when I see kids on a leash”
Description: In the old days, leashes were the domain of domesticated animals and the occasional dominatrix. Not anymore. Today’s parents simply strap a harness across their kid’s chest, grab the reins, and hope to keep their offspring on course. A suburban Iditarod. This group takes issue with the burgeoning child/leash phenomenon. They feel bad for the kids. You know who needs the sympathy? The leash. The only thing keeping some hyperactive little snot off the third-rail is a measly piece of nylon. That’s a great deal of pressure to put on an inanimate object. The group purports, “if I was put on a leash I would be scarred for life.” That’s a bit dramatic, and actually, scientifically flawed. Scarred for life is what happens when an unwieldy child runs into the middle of the road when he hears the ice cream truck coming. Truth be told, when one considers the next logical step in terms of child rearing – the taser – a leash seems like, well… child’s play.
Members: 4,142
Best Wall Post: “My mom used to attach this green slinky-like thing to both of our wrists when I was really little. I will never forgive her.”

2. Group Name:

“I cheated at ‘Book It!’ to get free pizza”
Description: This group is for those who participated in Pizza Hut’s “Book It!” reading program in elementary school and cheated the system to get free pizza. According to Pizza Hut’s website, “Book It! motivates children to read by rewarding their reading accomplishments with praise, recognition and pizza… Goals are based on reading ability. Number of books, number of pages, or number of minutes – they all work.” While the program purports remarkable success, including a whopping 22 million participants, this Facebook group, and others like it, reveal a much more sinister reality. Reading for the sake of reading has been usurped by pretending to read to get free pizza. And they say Americans are fat and stupid. Go figure.
Members: 113
Best Wall Post: “I remember one time I needed to read one more book so on the sheet I made up some book and when it came to the author I looked around the room and saw some civil war books and came up with the name ‘Abraham Wall Lee.’ It was such BS now that I look back on it, but that pizza was worth it.”

3. Group Name:

“The only reason I went to elementary school was to play Oregon Trail”
Description: In 1985, when Oregon Trail was released on floppy disk, the world changed forever. The days of learning about Manifest Destiny and real Oregon Trail were finally behind us. More important matters, like shooting buffalo and learning to ford virtual rivers, were quickly taking precedence. Rather than bother children with actual historical events, Oregon Trail brought some life’s most valuable lessons to light. For instance, according to the group, “typhoid and cholera really aren’t that big of a deal” and, “if you lose two family members, 3 oxen, and 400 bullets while fording the river, it is better than paying some Indian $5 to help.” And we ask, “Is our children learning?” The answer is decidedly “yes.”
Members: 9,864
Best Wall Post: “JIMMY’S GOT TYPHOID!”

4. Group Name:

‘I love it when bus drivers wave to each other’

Description: The most interesting part of this group is found its description, which reads like a lazily constructed haiku with little regard for syllabilic constraints:

every time
the driver give each other a little wave
and its amazing

The connection between bus drivers is magical. Like a pitcher’s ability to communicate with his catcher through a furtive nod and the faintest twitch of a finger, bus drivers too have a secret, unspoken code. If you’ve ever witnessed a bus driver selflessly make room for his comrade, waiting patiently as another bus merges into traffic, it becomes clear that bus drivers have attained nirvana. They are completely at peace, utterly gracious, brazenly benevolent. If bus drivers ruled the world there would be no war.
Members: 1,057
Best Wall Post: “…waving at bus drivers when not a bus driver is forbidden in the UK. you would die….seriously.”

5. Group Name:

“If this group reaches 15k people, Kevin and I will have a pinecone eat-off!”

Description: Once upon a time Facebook was only open to a select group of well-mannered college students. It was a tame, sterile place. “Poking” was considered risqué. But times have changed. And it has become increasingly apparent that Facebook is devolving into barbarism. It’s an open-source free-for-all, sullied by graffiti walls, super pokes, and groups like this one. The group, and the high-speed pinecone-eating contest it sponsors, is both a testament to this shift, and proof that society has officially lost its way. The rules of the eat-off state: “5 cones each, 30 minutes on the clock. First one to finish his lineup of cones is the victor (unless time runs out, then furthest along at time wins).” Sickening. Just sickening. Now if you’ll excuse me, Fear Factor is on.
Members: 1,450
Best Wall Post: “I don’t know who Kevin is, but anyone willing to eat pinecones deserves me to back them up!”

6. Group Name:

“Chairman Miaow & Herman Gerbils”
Description: There’s something to be said for irreverent puns. I’m not sure what, but decidedly, there is. If you haven’t yet found a connection between cuddly domesticated animals and sadistic, imperialist dictators, you just aren’t looking hard enough. This group is all about forging that all-important link. According to the group’s mantra, “you get extra points for the more amusing the animal and the more controversial the bastion of evil. And vice-versa.” Well, thank goodness. At first I thought there was no point to the whole charade.
Members: 18
Best Wall Post: “A little tenuous, but a fish/roman emperor searching for his father: Finding Nero?”

7. Group Name:

“Every Slinky I owned got Jacked Up at Some Point”
Description: Unfortunately, astute observations only go so far. The group’s premise is spot on, but they offer little by way of solutions. Make no mistake, the slinky is the tip of the iceberg. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in my humble opinion, a host of modern-day products are alive. If not, explain how my headphone wires spontaneously become a useless, bewildering muddle whenever I leave them unattended. The same thing happens to wires behind the TV, or a computer. They’re like unruly jungle vines. How can it be that wires, untouched for months, do this?
Members: 197
Best Wall Post: “Slinky + Escalator = Endless fun”

8. Group Name:

“Air Bud gave me false expectations about my dog’s basketball skills”
Description: Thanks to film and television, I’ve grown to despise my dog’s ineptitude. He’s mind-numbingly naïve. For instance, while my pooch is busy chasing his tail, as if it posed some real and present danger to his life, Lassie is off saving lives and making Timmy like the happiest kid on the face of the earth. But when Air Bud came along, my shame sunk to new lows. It took me the better part of my summer vacation in third grade to teach my dog to roll over. But Air Bud can dunk with his nose? That’s bulls*#t. Disney has been doing this for years. In fact, when you take a step back, real life is pretty terrible compared to a Disney movie. Coupled with the whole “Be Like Mike” charade, which convinced thousands of gullible children that Gatorade was the key to athletic greatness, Air Bud more or less ruined my relationship with my dog and destroyed my aspirations of making it to the NBA.
Members: 134
Best Wall Post: “I used to try and try when I was little to get my dog to play some b-ball. It never worked. Thanks so much, you smug little golden retriever.”

9. Group Name:

“1,000,000 Strong For Rudy Giuliani”

Description: They’ve got a ways to go.
Members: 4
Best Wall Post: N/A. Apparently, Rudy’s supporters are too busy with the recruitment effort to post comments on the wall. [Rudy has plenty of other Facebook groups. But this was obviously our favorite.]

10. Group Name:

“Bring Back Captain Planet to Stop Global Warming”
Description: Captain Planet can pretty much do anything. He can fly, he has super strength and the ability to blow hurricane force winds, he’s capable of telekinesis, and he can even change shape and transmute matter. The only thing he can’t do is tolerate ungodly carbon emissions. And who can blame him? The earth is falling apart. The children of the world need a hero, not a monotone former Vice President. Today’s children worship purple dinosaurs, and some sponge that lives in pineapple under the sea. What kind of perverted message does this send to young people? No one can live in a pineapple under the sea. And if they did, they’ll soon be extinct because Captain Planet is off the air.
Members: 7,555
Best Wall Post: “I didn’t realize ‘Heart’ was an element.”

If you feel compelled to join one of these groups, let us know which one. If you’d like to come clean about cheating at Book It! to get free pizza, we’ll support you. And stay tuned for a mental_floss Facebook application. For now, join our growing support group “I Read Mental Floss.”

Evan Schiller is an occasional contributor to mentalfloss.com. He recently started a blog called Conventional Stupidity.